I want to let go

**********BREAKING NEWS********* Yes, this is like cable news when some of the stories really aren’t breaking news. But here goes: I’ve joined a Bible study group! AND I have a “new” Bible. It is an online Bible study group. It’s Lisa Marie’s God & Glam group. (Google it if you are interested). No, I’m not a Christian, but I want to read the Bible again. I haven’t seriously read it since I was maybe 12 years old? One reason I decided to join Lisa Marie’s group is because she’s not reading the Bible in order. I’ve tried that, and I’m not interested in that.

I didn’t buy a new Bible for this. I was planning on it. Something told me to ask my mom if she had an extra Bible. She had a brand new in the box Bible!! I think it was mine from when I was a teenager. Someone probably gave it to me as a gift, and I never opened it. LOL. How sad. Anyway, it is gorgeous, black and bonded leather. It is the NKJV (New King James Verison) study Bible.

I really want an English Standard Version Journaling Bible because I’ve never read an English Standard version. I’ve been eyeing one on Amazon. I might ask for it for my birthday, but my bday is 5 months away. I never wait that long for something I really want. I will probably just buy it for myself.

I’ve been harsh on Christians and Bible believers in the past. I used to judge them as not smart. I know that’s bad and unfair.  This was when I was a teenager. I still have judgments against Christians. I’m trying to stop judging them. I think the main issue for me is that I don’t believe everything in the Bible. I see it as Greek mythology. I love Greek mythology, but I know it’s not real.

Eventually, I plan on doing my own research into Christianity and God. And I will come to my own conclusion. I will probably have a ton of books to read, so I’m not doing it right now. Right now I’m making a reading list.

In conclusion, I’m beginning to study the Bible. I’m taking it slow. I don’t know if God really exists in that way.  I don’t know if I believe in the whole Adam and Eve story and a bunch of those stories. I’m doing my own research starting in 2018.

Abilify update: I’ve been off Abilify for 6 whole days. Gasp! I’m trying not to worry. Oh, and my doctor appointment in December has been canceled. My doctor is recovering from an injury.  So now I won’t be able to see him until February. The good thing is that if I get really depressed again, I think I have enough Abilify to last until then. However, I don’t want to go back on Abilify. EVER! But I can’t walk around being depressed until February.

Anytime I feel a hint of sadness, tiredness or I don’t feel like working, I’m trying to tell myself it’s not because I’m not on Abilify. This is just how I feel sometimes. I think. (??)

Totally bummed the tax bill passed. 😦

Thou shall not worship

I have so many things I haven’t been blogging about it. I guess I should just begin at today instead of going back.

I had my first taste of eggnog. I don’t know if this is only a Christmas thing or Thanksgiving and Xmas but um, I like. That may be the only thing good about the holidays? Why do people act like you can only get it near this time of year? Surely that can’t be true, can it? Anyhow, I only had a very little since it was my mom’s. I may be buying my own bottle. 🙂

On a message board someone asked, “Why do you hate the holidays”? Most people said because of family obligations. God, I would hate that too. I don’t do any family stuff (besides exchanging gifts with the immediate family). I think the main reason why I dislike this time of year is the crowds. I can escape the mall crowds by not going to the mall but even the grocery store gets more crowded. Other than that I just put the holidays on IGNORE. Or at least I try. I really hate New Year’s too for different reasons. I won’t get into that now…

In good news, the lady who placed the $125 Avon order, ordered again ($98 this time!). And she plans to order again. It is good news because I thought I really fucked up. I think she just really likes Avon and can’t find another rep. That’s the spirit. I guess I’m just thankful that her order is covering costs. She helps me not lose money when ordering brochures.
On Monday my coworker invited me to church (AGAIN). I used the football excuse last time so this time I just went. It was on a Friday night. And most Fridays nights I just do homework and laundry so I don’t feel like I’m losing too much time. But this is so inauthentic (and uh, I missed a really cool Veteran’s Day college Bball game). I feel this conflict within me but am I really losing anything? I felt resentful afterwards as I was walking to the parking lot. This is partly due to me messing up by leaving my cell phone at home. So when I got to the church we couldn’t meet up! UGH. I thought about leaving early several times. But I was in the middle of the row and even though others did it, I didn’t feel comfortable making people get up.

Christianity and what I believe do have things in common, of course. BUT THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. Um, I don’t believe in worshiping a god. Yep, that is kinda huge. No one will ever be able to convert me because I just don’t believe in that little part of Christianity. I listen to the sermons and 90% of it is about worshiping so WTF am I doing there?

Generally Buddhism does not believe in a personal God or a divine being, it does not have worship, praying to, or praising of a divine being (although some sects do.) It offers no form of redemption, forgiveness, no heavenly hope, or a final judgment to those practicing its system. Buddhism is a moral philosophy, an ethical way to live for the here and now of this world to gain the ultimate state. It has more in common with humanism and atheism than its original religion Hinduism it separated from. But Buddhism is not atheism just because they don’t believe in a personal God. It is more like pantheism, there is a impersonal force the void which is the ultimate.

If we ever did something outside the church, I think I am ready to tell her that I don’t believe in worshiping a god. I will use Buddhism as my belief system (which is true…but I’m not a practicing Buddhist). I don’t want to bring it up at work because then everyone will hear. When I rarely talk at work it feels like public speaking because everyone can hear what you say. Recently we had to move our desks closer to one another. GAG. That is actually causing me a lot of grief right now but that is a whole ‘nother entry.

Anyway, I think I feel okay with saying, “I just don’t believe in worshiping a god”. I just need a chance to say it…She did say long ago that she did not want to offend me. SIGH. I’m not offended. I watch Christian programs from time to time. It’s not like there are a ton of eastern religious stuff on where I live. But it is different to go out of one’s way to go to a church when one does not believe.

I did listen to the sermon and once again I got the same message: I SHOULD QUIT MY JOB. haha. I always seem to get that message. Too bad I have nothing (skills, people etc.) to fall back on. Bummer. That will not be happening. Plus I’m hoping I will be working from home soon. Patience. Just hang on. This is hard. Struggling. lol.

The whole thing was really socially awkward. I was sitting by myself in a church. I took a beta blocker before to calm my nerves and I did notice that I was able to relax my face more but as soon as a person looked at me, I would tense up. Sigh.

I have a ton to do today. Gotta go.

The Sick In The Head Song

Colds aren’t curable. Taking antibiotics for a cold can end up hurting you. I always wondered why people went to the doctor for a cold. Now I know why! Because doctors wrongly prescribed things and people think they work. ??? NEWSFLASH: Going to a doctor does not help with a common cold. It’s a cold. Um…..I swear Never ask me if I’m to the doctor for a cold. I will suddenly be able to talk. (This has nothing to do with kids and colds. It is probably different for them.) Sorry, it is a pet peeve of mine.

Here’s webmd since I’m not a reliable source. No, I don’t have a cold but ugh, I can feel PMS coming on. It sucks soooooooooooo much. If I could just be alone in the country (heh), I could deal with it. But knowing that other people can be affected by MY irritability makes it 100x worst.

I should be keeping track of this in my paper journal but I’m not tracking it for a doctor. I can tell because things that I can usually overlook aren’t overlooked. No matter how hard I try…..This just sucks. Unfortunately PMS seems to last for 7 days+ for me. Cramps are nothing (to me) compared to the PMS symptoms. I already have enough mental ish to deal with.

Okay, I’m done. It’s day 1 so I had to get that out.

I’m supposed to be blogging about a church invite. She is a Christian. I’m not. However, I am open minded. (I did recently say that I thought most preachers are full of crap but that doesn’t mean their message is bad). I do occasionally listen to Christian ministers on TV. I’ve always been interested in religion. Judiasm mystifies me. Don’t ask me why of all religions that I am so into trying to “get” that.

Asking a non-Christian to go to a Baptist church is kinda weird….no? The only thing I can think of is that church is the one thing she does outside of work so why not invite a person? But she doesn’t know that I’m not a Christian for a reason. I don’t believe in a God. or Jesus. or any savior.

In fact, where I live you are considered evil or a devil if you say you aren’t Christian. So maybe it is my fault for not coming right out and saying it. I did tell her that “I’m not religious”. I think I led her to believe that I’m agnostic. I guess she doesn’t know that I’m an atheist. If she weren’t a coworker…If I didn’t know that she would tell the other coworkers what I said…then I would have no problems telling her. I’m not ashamed of it. But do you really want to be known as a devil at work?

When two people found out I was familiar with Buddhism, they freaked out! “Does she believe in God?” They did some research on the Google machine 😉 and came to the conclusion that “they” believe in a God but not like Christians do. ?????


I just don’t feel it is right to judge someone for not wanting to go to church OF ALL PLACES with you. It’s CHURCH. I don’t believe in that particular faith. Church is the last place I would go. I would rather go to a library or museum. And then she asks me these questions in front of other coworkers. So now they know that I have “no religion”. I also turned her church invite down. I didn’t really. If I were being 100% honest like I am most of the time I would have said, “NO”. Instead I said “maybe”. See, I’m learning to lie social skills slowly. But the others heard and they said stuff. I don’t know exactly what. I was listening to my iPod. I know they were being assholes about it. (NOT the one who asked me but the other coworkers).

As far as religion goes I do study Buddhism but I will probably never call myself one. The biggest difference between Buddhism and Christianity is the whole savior thing. And asking a God for forgiveness is not good enough. etc. But there are a lot of similarities. I have a hard time getting over the savior thing though.

Also, on the weekends I like to hibernate. This isn’t a religious thing. This is an introvert, loner thing. I don’t think I could ever commit to going to church every week. That is simply too much people/social stuff. If I worked at home then going to a church once a week wouldn’t seem so bad. I do need some stimulation. LOL.

Is this a bitchy entry? I probably didn’t get my point across. I just wanted to get this out. And no, this woman I would not consider a friend because she tells my coworkers things I say. We go weeks without talking so we are merely acquaintances. I can’t be friends with someone I can’t trust. If I ever have a friend, I’m pretty sure it won’t be a coworker due to gossip.

faux Christianity

Since they are mentioning stuff I blog about, I may as well blog to my coworkers. They mentioned the law today. (re: my entry titled “All is well?”) so here is an open rant to you all.

Where do I begin? The faux Christianity? How calling someone crazy at work is harassment (LOOK IT UP!)?

How can someone call themselves a Christian when they do things daily to irritate people? I know America is full of faux Christians but these people are evangelical Christians. They go to church and preach to others. That isn’t “my parents are Christian so uh, I guess I am but I don’t pray or go to church or know much about Jesus Christ or the bible”. Oops, did I go there? I sorta get those people because they don’t preach and they are everywhere.  I don’t judge them because they don’t go on about how others need Christ. Blah blah.

I just don’t understand how someone can publicly preach at work and then intentionally try to piss a person off? How is that Christian? It is faux Christianity. It is the height of hypocrisy. And then they say, “God knows my heart.” Well I’m not god (gasp!) and I can know part of your heart enjoys pissing people off. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFHHHHHHHHHHHHH. God knows your intentions. That we can agree on.

At work one of the evangelical Christians said, “It is easy to NOT be Christian.” ROFL. Are they fucking serious? Christianity to me seems like the easiest religion ever. All you have to do is get baptized and ask for forgiveness every time you shit on someone. Oh, that is sooooooooooo hard. And you have to choose which part of the bible you believe. (Being gay is wrong, nothing is wrong with gossiping. Hmm, is slavery okay? Etc.)

She was trying to say by not being Christian, you can do drugs etc without thinking about it. I’m not a Christian. I don’t have pre-martial sex (lol), drink alcohol, do drugs or intentionally piss people off. When I do something wrong, I don’t ask a God forgiveness I feel horrible and ashamed.  I have no problems with people being Christian but now I understand why some have such a negative view of it. Before these two, I thought who cares if someone wants to believe in Jesus. It has nothing to do with me. But hearing this lame crap every day, UGH. I now am leery of Christianity . I understand why some atheists get so pissed at them. I’m only mad at these two at work. Lol. Otherwise I don’t care. Well I don’t like the mix of church and state.

This isn’t a bash Christianity post. If you think so, read it again. j/k. I had to get this out. I’m so frustrated by stuff going on at work.


Did I mention that repeatedly calling someone crazy and psycho can get your ass fired?! Ask a lawyer. Or read your ethics manual. Now I wish I had reported them. But they know, they no longer do it out loud after doing it daily. So someone got to them or they read the harassment rules. Too bad someone has to tell these Christians, not to call someone crazy. I wanna be Christian. It would make my life so much easier.

way of life

To study the buddha way is to study the self.
To study the self is to forget the self.
To forget the self is to be actualized by myriad things.

-Dogen Zenji

Sometimes I wish I could believe in the Christianity thing. There is one Buddhist ‘place’ around here…but only ONE. It seems excellent. In the back of my mind I can’t help but think, “what if this fails?” I won’t have another option. This is the place for the study of Buddhism. I don’t believe one must go to a church/temple to practice a religion. However, I really want to get the meditation thing down. I do meditate…or I’ve tried and I don’t get the same results as people who are dedicated to it. So I think going to the Buddhist group may help.


I don’t feel comfortable around strangers, or in small groups….etc

I can talk myself into well, try at least one time. I can do that but the perfectionist in me wants to go twice a month and I will feel like I’ve failed if I can’t go back. To be honest, if I felt the need to go to a Christian church, if it didn’t work out once, I probably wouldn’t try another church. And if I were a Christian, I probably wouldn’t feel the need to go to a church. I can read the bible and watch Joyce Meyer at home…the thing with Buddhism is meditation. Hmmm

Anyhow, they have few groups. I’m trying to figure which one is best. I’m definitely not going to one that involves discussion on the first time I go. 🙂 That would be too much. I would runaway. Too much. Too much.

I’ve studied Buddhism for years. It is the only ‘religion’* that rings true for me. There isn’t a god. It is all about what you think & do. I practiced all day at work on Friday and it went well. But when I left work, I was my normal easily irritated self. We got some semi-bad news @ work, I was able to let go. But as soon as I was driving in my car, it hit me. What I really wanted to happen is not happening. I dunno…I just feel let down.

*I don’t consider Buddhism a  religion at all. It is a way of life. The only way for me.

I have to get going. Laundry, dishes etc.

Here is my one hotel picture from NYE. It is simple but I would love to have a set up like that in my house….minus the carpet.

best nye ever

thou shall quote the bible

I don’t know what’s going on w/ Kelly (ex-model, real housewives of nyc) but for some reason people are finding my site by searching for Kelly. I’ll find out after I post and take a nap.

Their throat is an open tomb… whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness (Proverbs 3:13-14)

I have never really considered myself a Christian. When I was younger and naive, I might have for a year or so. However, I have read the entire Bible. I’ve read sets of encyclopedias so this isn’t weird. I can’t quote that many bible verses…probably 3. LOL.

These ppl (twitter speak sorry) @ work are over the top. This may make me sound like a total narc…as if I give a damn. But I think I’ve driven these people to CHURCH!! Seriously. One woman who never went (but always considered herself a christian) is now going multiple times a week. heh.

a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends -Proverbs 16:28

Here’s the theory: No, it isn’t all about me. BUT they do feel bad about how they treat me so they overcompensate by doing godly deeds. ::cough:: I have been sitting there for a year. They never talked about charity, god, religion until recently.

Okay here is the real theory:

They see me as the devil.


You would have to be there to get it b/c I suck (and hate) explaining things. They know they “made” me snap on more than one occasion. Made is in quotes because of course it didn’t have to happen. Anyhow, how can a good person not feel bad for bullying someone??? So they talk about church and god. um, I’m not impressed or convinced of anything. I don’t care.

I’m a little worried about tomorrow ALERT: FRIDAY IS COMING. DON’T FUCK W/ME. I’VE BEEN SILENTLY PUTTING UP WITH YOUR SHIT ALL WEEK. I could feel myself coming undone a little today. It usually starts on Thursdays. I’m going to try to get up as much as I can but most days I don’t even have to make phone calls so getting up = not working. Tomorrow I do happen to have to make a call or too and I will go to a quiet room to do so.

A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts” (Proverbs 18:7-8).

Why can’t I just work from a laptop like some of the others do? I’m willing to use my home one until I can buy one. I could get sooooooooo much done if I could work where I sneak to make calls. And the chairs are so comfortable. 🙂
No the work situation isn’t just about gossip…I wish! 😦 Although D aka tattle tale aka Christian did tell TWO people who were my acquantences that I didn’t like them. I hate to even think about it. It isn’t true. SHE IS LYING and therefore hurting my rep. I did try to speak to one of these people. She barely spoke and didn’t smile. They believed HER. Why does she have this power to destroy my work relationships. People blindly believe as if she couldn’t lie.

::sniff:: thanks a lot. I quote again:

a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends -Proverbs 16:28

bad things happen when mowing

Oh dear. Why did I show interest? And I was sweating from mowing the lawn. I know who Jesus Christ is. I’ve read the bible (all the way through). The bible is interesting and it has good stories. But to me, believing in God would be like believing in superman. No one is going to save me. I believe that no one is forgiving me for my sins. I can’t harm someone, pray to a god and start over. I have to do the work. I have to do the ‘right thing’ from the beginning. I do occasionally pray to Buddha or the universe. However, I know there is no magic.

There was a group of Jehovah Witnesses. One man talked to me while I was finishing up the yard work. He told me things I already knew. I showed a bit of interest when he said the bible study was FREE. Well it could’ve been interpreted as interest but really it was “wow, they do private bible study for free??”. LOL. It is interesting but I would never feel comfortable to do one on one bible study. No freaking way. Unless I was serious. Now if I had kids, maybe. I would raise my kids as Buddhist but I would want them to know about Christ also.

Since it is just me and my cat, no thank you. We were in the front yard. I felt like the neighbors were thinking, “She should get to know Jesus”. Hee 🙂 Why can’t a Buddhist knock on my door? Now that I would LOVE.

The other “bad” thing that happened was a coworker was part of the Jehovah Witness group! ACK! We spoke. She looked familiar and I wondered why she was staring at me from afar as the guy was talking to me. I thought, “why isn’t she knocking on other people’s doors?” Anyway we used to work in the same department. She thought I was still in that department which I think is weird because that department is so small and I’ve been gone for 11 months! I do feel a bit uncomfortable with someone from work knowing where I live but it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would.
I was watching some older eps of “Jon & Kate plus Eight”. Jon is so funny. I watched the show in the beginning when Kate first had the sextuplets and then I skipped about 4 seasons. I had no idea that I had missed about 4 years of shows until I watched some of the marathon yesterday on TLC. The show isn’t as interesting to me now. Watching the family go on trips is exhausting. I would rather see them interact with other kids which probably won’t happen. The parents would have to sign consent forms etc.

Jon said, “Don’t fall because I’m not taking you to the doctor” to one of the girls. I say that to my cat all the time! Does this mean that I’m not a bad mom? 🙂 I laughed so much at that. My cat is like a mixture of a dog and a toddler. I couldn’t do what they do. I can see how it would break someone. They were looking at houses in Virginia. They should move (if they are still together). VA is in the center of the east coast and isn’t as cold and snowy as PA. It’s not a bad place to live and it might take some of the pressure off. Although I doubt they would move if the sextuplets are in school.

I didn’t mean to rant about that show. Gotta go.

Never thought I would recommended someone move to Virginia. Oh how things change when you grow up.