take a chance on life again

Random: I’m glad I’m done with Facebook. I just gave it up cold turkey. It used to be that when I was at work I would think, “I can’t wait to get out of here and blow off some steam on Facebook”. It would be what I would do to relax. Now I don’t even miss it. I use Twitter for “everything” now. It takes a lot less time and some days I don’t even log on. I get most of my news from there. (Sports news and real news). I like Twitter. I hope it doesn’t go away like Myspace did. I’m surprised there are still so many people on Facebook. I would think something new would have come along by now…

I freaking moved!! Sorta. I’m living at my mom’s now. It is so weird because I didn’t have any idea that I would be “moving” this weekend. It was my mom’s plan/idea. I sorta feel duped but I like actually semi-living. I’m not nauseous all the time. I have my clothes on hangers (what a concept!). I have more cable channels than anyone could possibly want…and that is without HBO etc. I don’t ever plan on having this kind of cable when I move.

Anyhow, that’s the good. The bad is well, bad. I still have to take my cat to the animal shelter. And there is a chance they won’t even take her. SIGH. Monday after work I’m going to the vet to get her records. I’m just so stressed over this. She IS my kid. This sucks. How will she ever possibly understand? (Don’t laugh). I didn’t do this because I didn’t love you. I just can’t be around her throwing up anymore. And once I found out that that is normal (for some cats), I knew it was over. I was throwing up, she was throwing up.

I know this sounds silly to some…but I don’t want her to think she is a bad kitty or that I didn’t love her like crazy. 😦 😦 😦 😦

…And to make matters worse. I won’t be putting my house on the market until late December. Think Xmas. So I semi-moved out, but I’m not saving much money from the move because the bills there aren’t stopping. I will cancel some things in December. I will start sending extra money to the mortgage company at the end of this month. I hope we have overtime available because I will be doing that 3 out of 4 Saturdays a month starting next Saturday (if it is available).

Just so I can say that I have something saved for my townhouse, I have $85 saved for that. haha. I’m supposed to be focused on selling my house NOT saving for the townhouse so that is about right. I have a looooooong way to go.

Tomorrow I might drive around to look at my wishlist townhouses. While driving around Northern VA, I noticed how close some of the townhomes were so I want to see what my “dream” ones look like. Of course I want to scope out the neighborhood too. These homes have everything I want on the INSIDE but now I want to know about the outside.

I have to act like I’m in school too. I keep forgetting. I guess being apathetic is kinda a good thing. You can “move” and give up your cat without batting an eyelash.


I keep putting move in quotations for the obvious reasons and all of my furniture is still there. Most of my stuff is still there actually. I only have what I need for the most part.

If you aren’t helping….

I don’t know why I’m even going to take the mid-terms next week. I was going to finish all my study guides tonight. Get everything organized. But when I come home I hear this noise. It sounded like a regular electric heater (the ones that heat the whole house). But I don’t have one of those. I asked my cat, “What is that noise?” Keep in mind that my house is really tiny. Anyhow my cat didn’t answer. She looked nonchalant. Then she gave me the “give me my treats look!”

Then I walked around and saw the water on the floor. Oh, the water heater burst. It is spraying water everywhere. Great! I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m an animal whisperer. I could tell that my cat thought, “Once mom comes, the water will stop”. But it lasted for SIX MORE HOURS! I got the WTF look from my cat several times. I went to sleep for two hours. I know she was thinking, “What the hell is wrong with her?”

I got hit by a depression episode yesterday. I did call the warranty people . Then they call the plumber. Of course the plumber’s office is closed. In the past I would have any plumber come out. But I’d just read my warranty for the first time in 2 years and they say they MIGHT replace the water heater. Well I’m not going to jeopardize that by calling Joe the plumber because then it is void.

20 minutes ago the city came out to shut the water off. I called before. I said, “I need my water turned off”. It was the emergency line. She put me on hold. I eventually hung up. Once again my lack of social skills failed me. I didn’t say the right thing. Or I didn’t say it the right way. I gave up. After my nap, I realized water running my house sucks so many I should try the city line again.

This time I said, “My water heater burst. Can you turn my water of?” OH, that is the way it’s done. ::roll eyes:: My house is soaked. I’m too depressed to really care. Oh and I don’t have any water. Whatever.

I need a fucking break. I shouldn’t go in to work at all tomorrow but of course, I feel like I have to go to work. I don’t suck up to anyone. There is no one on my side so I can’t take a break. I have to be superwoman. Blah.

I’m only upset because this pretty much ruins any study plan. I will have to work on Saturday to make up time for waiting for the plumber tomorrow.

Oh great, now I hear more water leaking even though the water supply has been turned off. ROFL. And I don’t give a damn. Too funny. WTF?

I was going to blog about how I hate how people with support systems and social skills harshly judge me. With any kind of support, my house wouldn’t have gotten as wet. I would have HELP and water. Yet these $#%^ judge me???????????? Pick on someone your own size. You have HELP. I’m not done with this.

Don’t think

Why is Entourage in syndication? And why did I have to find it? I’ve spent the past two Saturdays vegging out at 8PM and watching the Entourage marathon on VH1. They leave the word “shit” in after a certain time. Anyhow, I’ve been missing college football and SNL over Entourage repeats. Missing football is inexcusable. And Anne Hathaway (love her) was on SNL last night*. I missed 90% of it because I couldn’t take my eyes off Entourage. I used to think the show was overrated but good. 30 Rock is better and wittier…but now I find myself laughing hysterically at Jeremy Piven’s (Ari Gold) character. And Kevin Connolly (E) is the best actor on the show. He has the perfect reactions. IMO, he is the heart of the show. Compared to the other 3 in the ‘entourage’ he should win an Oscar. No offense meant. 🙂 I think he will be nominated one day.

*No I don’t have one of those fancy DVR/Tivo thingies.

Why am I talking about TV when my blood pressure is 135 (over something) NOT 130 like I previously posted. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Who cares? I want to die right? Is it the job or is the general/social anxiety catching up with me? My BP in June was normal so maybe it is nothing. I don’t know

I’m also considering checking myself into an inpatient behavioral health facility. It would do wonders for this blog. I haven’t checked my stats in months because it was depressing but I bet I would get hits then. I know someone at work is reading (Hi!). Checking into a psych ward is easier than making friends, dating, maintaining my own business etc. Easy is the wrong word. However, I sorta know the steps. I can’t do it now. I’m supposed to start school in January. So let’s say I really want to do this, I would do it in the fall of 2011.

Woah, let me back up. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? Because what if this is really a chance to be normal? What if I could possibly have a regular life??? I don’t want to believe this is possible. I don’t even know what I’d do…besides have a really good time visiting Mexico. (Yes Mexico would have to be delayed).

The bad thing is missing work and paying for it. If I do it I have to do it while I have health insurance. Inpatient would be $1800 max for one stay. I don’t think there is a limit. If someone needed 120 days for a serious physical/mental illness, it would still be $1800. That is with insurance and not including taxes, btw. I have no idea how the outpatient thing works. I know it has to be 6 hours a day. That would work better for me but would it cost more? And could I still work a few hours a day and get short term disability?

I know these answers aren’t hard to find but I dunno…If I have a chance at a normal life, I think I should go for it. But the cost is high. I’m not just talking about money. There will also be pressure. I would tell as few people as possible. But what if it doesn’t work? What if my insurance company only gives me X number of days/hours? What if I lose my job after the stay? (Yes I know that is illegal but I’m not that naïve). I find it bothersome that EVERY person at my job that has ever taken short term leave, has NOT come back. These are only people I know about…oh wait, one woman with cancer did come back to work. But the people with the hush-hush illnesses just disappeared.

I’m writing about this in my paper journal also. These are just initial thoughts. I may never do it. Or maybe I will see if going to my counselor more frequently will help? My SA is too severe for just meds and talking to a psychologist but what if there is something I’m missing?

The thought of being normal is so overwhelming. And I hate to say my cat is also a factor but she is. My cat doesn’t even like me. LOL. She doesn’t like other cats either so I don’t take it too personally. Sometimes she is sweet. I think she is bitter about being dropped off at the animal shelter when she was 2 years old. She stayed there for over 4 months. Then I adopted her. I’ve been bitten and scratched a few times. She is so much like me. Well I don’t bite humans because I’m scared of them but I totally would if I could. (?)

Oh the cat issue is that I cannot take her to the vet or ANYWHERE. She will not allow anyone to pick her up. So if I were to do inpatient care, I have no idea what I’d do with her. The only option I know is trapping her. But since I can’t get her to the vet, she won’t have her rabies shot. (She is an indoor cat). Isn’t that illegal? FUCK.

Main issues:

1. cost ($)/making less money
2. missing work
3. cat
4. do I have to tell my mom? (If inpatient – YES – there would be no way around that one)
5. if it doesn’t work, I wasted money and could have gone to Mexico instead

I’m soooo not over it.

Why am I even posting now? Cuz I don’t have my paper journal with me. I’m not going to B&N again. This would only happen to me. Only me. No one else. ROFL.

So my cat punched me and I think my face looks like a human punched me. My lip is dark and a little swollen. At least it stopped bleeding. Then I couldn’t find clean socks. See, this is why I don’t go out unless I have to. It is too much work.

I went to the book store. I had fun browsing the books. I copied the isbn’s of about 9 books that I would like to own. I also brought a résumé and cover letter book called The Only Resume and Cover Letter Book You’ll Ever Need: 600 Resumes for All Industries 600 Cover Letters for Every Situation 150 Positions from Entry Level to CEO. It comes with a CD-ROM which will make it easy to do my résumé again. I lost my beloved resume on my old computer 3-4 years ago. I have new things to add to it so why not start when I have a job?

Of course the book is cheaper on Amazon which makes me wonder why anyone goes to a bookstore…unless you need it NOW…which I didn’t. I hate going into stores and not buying anything. That was the main reason I didn’t want to go to B&N. Or it could have been any store. At least I love books and I know I’m not going to spend money on anything other than a reference book.

This is getting wordy. I had the intent of going into the store and just browsing. But I went to the career section and saw the best resume book ever. I had to have it. Plus, I feel anxious about leaving the store without buying anything (thief!). So what happens when I leave? The store alarm -not too loud like some stores- goes off. This has happened to me tons because I do tend to buy electronics and they never scan it right. No big deal, right?

That’s what I thought. However, the security guard scanned the book. It wasn’t the book. I put my purse through. It wasn’t the purse. IT WAS SOMETHING ON ME. Thank god, I didn’t bring a sweater like I normally would to an air conditioned space. I just had on a t-shirt and jeans so they know I didn’t steal anything.

Conclusion: Hell no, I’m not going back in there 3 more times in 3 weeks. The same security guard will be there. And of course I’m not sure he knows I didn’t steal anything. I could have had something in my pocket…like a bookmark? or something really, really small. I did have my keys in my pocket. Funny thing is that I did that because I didn’t want to open my purse to make it look like I was stealing something. I also had a metal necklace on…Does that? oh whatever.

Only I could write 500 words of nonsense about going to a bookstore. I mean WTF?

Fuck it.

walked a mile in my shoes

Sometimes I wish Virginia wasn’t in the news for silly political stuff. Of course it is all over MSNBC and Fox (I assume CNN also). Then  Jon Stewart did a whole segment on it. He went to college in VA. I really believe that is the only reason he sometimes goes on these VA rants. Not that the Commonwealth doesn’t deserve the negativity. Hey, at least the governor signed the green energy bill. That is the only good thing I can say for now.

I turn the TV now…I think it has something to do with me not watching local news so when I see it nationally, I scream (sometimes out loud) “PLEASE STOP!” Sorry someone is doing a “VA is for Haters” piece on MSNBC. *groan*. I already turned the channel. Yes I laugh @ the “VA is for Lovers” thing all the time because it is dumb and it gives anti-gay people an opportunity to put stupid bumper stickers on their cars. But I do love the logo.

dumb and stupid. how scholarly of me.


I walked a mile today. Outside. Today is “walk day” or  something so I did that. It was almost 90 degrees but I didn’t really feel it until the end. I was planning on doing it since last week but I was so glad it was today. I sooo needed to get out of the office right at that moment. Sigh. Perfect timing.

CX invited me to a dance class. (not really only dance but I can’t say the name due to search engines). I had to say no because I still don’t have clearance from a doctor to take any classes. Who knew that anxiety and sleeping problems would cause me to have to get a doctor’s note. And I don’t have a doctor so….To flip the convo, I told her I was taking yoga soon. But I still need a doctor’s note so…My counselor thinks it is absurd that a person with anxiety NEEDS a dr’s note. If anyone needs yoga, it would be a person with anxiety.

I hope she doesn’t mention it soon because I’m not going to volunteer that I need a dr’s permission. It is rare for a young and seemingly healthy person to need a dr’s clearance. I’m a bad liar. I don’t even try to lie, I suck so bad at it. That is probably one reason I don’t have friends. *Unwilling to lie* lol.

I need to figure out this yoga crap soon. I was thinking about just getting a DVD. I could tell CX that. That isn’t a lie….


It is currently 89 degrees in my house. I lived through one summer here w/no AC at all but now I’m having fits. 🙂 I get up to start things and just get delirious. I can’t do anything. *whine* Seriously I do have AC. Got a window unit. It only works with a remote!!! ROFL. Who makes anything like that? I think they should be required by law to put that on the box because I would NEVER EVER buy anything that needed a remote.

I blame my cat. I had the remote in the window sill throughout the winter. Occasionally my cat would play on or near the sill…..But shouldn’t it have fallen straight down?? I’ve looked everywhere. My cat does take things and runaway but she can’t carry a remote!

Anyway, I ordered a new one today and I can’t get it soon enough. I have my doubts about getting it because the man didn’t spell my name or city right. And I only gave him the street address once so here’s hoping that I actually get it soon.


89 degrees, deliriously yours

the show

Oh, Kansas……….& The Big East. lol

Wondering whether I should go to church, work (just to catch up – no pay), shopping or just stay home tomorrow. The church sermon is about racial segregation in the 1950s. Interesting and it is free but I can’t get over how social church is*. Is there anything left sacred? Everything is social and that is why I don’t do anything!!!! If I go to the service and not talk, I will be perceived as rude BY SOME. A few may see shyness but that isn’t the norm.

*To be fair I have only been to a meeting and seen what it looks like after a service. Vibe = too friendly.

I do care what others think. I don’t want to be rude to people so I just don’t go. It isn’t like I feel the need to go to church so this isn’t “woe is me. I can’t even go to church…unless I want a new group of people to hate me.” 🙂

End of discussion. I’m going to work & I may go shopping. I need something to drink but I really want to check out the organization section of an outlet store. My house has been turned upside down because I got my used love seat, sofa and ottoman today. The ottoman is much bigger than I expected so as of now, it is leaning against the wall.

my cat has a sofa

That’s the big sofa…in my cat’s room. The previous owners put the plastic on. I’m probably going to leave it on. I was led to believe the furniture looked completely different. I like it. I love flower prints. I wear them too. lol. However, I would never get anything light because I’m messy & clumsy. Plus I love pets so…

My love seat is in the living room. (What a tragedy to break up furniture family.) It isn’t against a wall which I consider a non-traditional victory. I will probably never sit on the sofas…while I’m living here. #1 I hate the plasticky noise. Yes I know that can be dealt with but still…One day this might be my main living room furniture or in a guest room. (Guests? What guests? Only animals allowed).

Everything is in the wrong room. My bookshelf is bookless… Tomorrow I’m going to work, gym, & a store or two. No church. Now, I’m going to take a much needed watching basketball break and watch season 3 of “Big Love” on DVD. (rental). I adored season one and I can’t remember if I saw all of season  2.

I quit!

To all my coworkers: yes you finally won! Congratulations. Must be nice to be a winner and to have a normal life.

I’m not going to fake it. I’m bitter. Practically everyone but me can work at McDonald’s. Not that want to but they CAN. (Yes, I had tried years ago. Not much has changed. In fact, things have gradually gotten worse).

I’m fed up with people because they don’t get it. I’ve already stated my piece on why people annoy the hell out of me. (They have no desire to get it and assume everyone is like them). So that’s that. They have more resources, and I don’t. Let’s move on.

I don’t have much to say…except I really, really wish my manager was there today. OF ALL DAYS. ugh. She is not helpful. (sorry). She is typical not getting it/don’t want to hear it, person. Thanks!

The good thing is if I quit on Monday, I get health insurance until the end of the month. If I had quit today like, I would have NO health insurance. Having health insurance for that 30 days probably won’t help much because I’m not planning on going to a doctor. Well actually I plan to load up on meds and not take them…saving them in case I ever want to attempt to be normal again.

So yeah, 30 days will help with that. At this point, I don’t see me working shortly. If I didn’t have a house, I would move to some place warm and be homeless. But the mortgage….who cares, right? Would I go to jail? Despite what some may think, I do want to do the right thing.

So moving to another state is not an option RIGHT NOW. If I lose my house, then I’m ready to go! I know this sounds crazy, but I think I will miss my cat so much. She won’t let me pick her up…or anyone pick her up so she would be left. I would probably have to have animal control set a trap.

O God, I’m crying again. Over my cat! Okay. Breathe. Don’t think about the cat. You’ve cried enough over a situation you’ve hated.

Okay so now I’m off to figure out how to quit. Never done it before. Normally, I would give a two-week notice but not in these circumstances.

Have a great weekend. lol.

you blues

Hit the bottom and bounce back up.
The lowest low is only a beginning.
These are the words many people said to me.
But in a crowd you lose humanity.
Scared of the future that comes from the past.
When I think back I see that this could never last.

-you blues by Juliana Hatfield

I wanted to bitch and complain…and I just might. I wanted to talk about how my cat doesn’t get along with other cats and how I don’t judge her for it. Then I woke up, cleared my brain and I realized that my cat wasn’t a human being but still!

How about I just do the ending? Here goes:

When I have a bad experience around a group of people, I don’t want to be around them. Them = groups of people. This is why I’m never going to get a business off the ground because I’m always thinking, “I’m soooooo done with people.” Why would I want to go to a church filled with people after being around them for 40+ hours?? At this point I am still going to church in two weeks but I’m not looking forward to it. Cuz I’m done!

My life is a record on repeat. I’m sick of other people saying I don’t make them comfortable. ROFL. Welcome to my life. Sorry, you have to catch me on a good day for me to feel bad for you. Haha.

I have to go into my little story: I tried breathing and it backfired. Why can everyone else breathe but me? *whine* I just want to breathe! Why is everything I do misinterpreted? EVERYTHING! No, I will not try to make you feel comfortable by being, uh normal?? WTF is wrong with “them”? Do they seriously think I’m going out of my way to be ME? (tense, neurotic etc.)


Just let me breathe. Please. I’m done! DONE!


Tiger Woods & Buddhism: It was always said that Tiger had such good concentration because his father would throw chairs while he was playing golf. Now I’m wondering if he is/was just a really good at meditation. I’m selfishly glad that he mentioned that he moved away from Buddhism during the last few (uh-huh) years. Tiger is so private and a control freak (takes one to know one) that he will probably never mention this tidbit again. I’m just really curious…and jealous.

I rarely hear any Westerns say “I’m Buddhist.” I assume it is common in the East. Most Westerns say, “I’m studying Buddhism”, right? If I can achieve Buddhism, I can do anything!

Gotta go. My cat is getting impatient and I have to go to the library. Then pancakes! woohoo. 😉


I want to meet all these perfect people. I would never do that. Um, how do you know? Have you ever even been in a similar situation?

I’m blogging about a sad local story. The president of the SPCA (where I adopted my cat) left her dog in the car. The dog had a stroke and later died. 😦 He was 16 years old.

You should hear the outrage! But do they even know the whole story? Or are they just interested in making themselves feel better for one second by trashing someone? I sincerely hope she doesn’t get fired.

The SPCA woman occasionally brought her dog to work when she would get her house clean. That particular morning her husband put the dog in the backseat. He did not tell his wife. The dog was 16. He was a senior dog. He would SLEEP in the car. She went back to the car around lunchtime. She saw her dog having a stroke and rushed him to the hospital. 😦 The vets tried everything…

Her baby died. Please don’t take her job away. And let’s say she just forgot – which I can believe because a 16 year old dog is extremely old and I don’t know what condition he was in. He may have always slept in the car like some kids do. I just think about my 11/12 year old dog and how she sleeps more and sometimes breathes heavily.

I am probably the most forgetful person under 30 on the planet, so I NEVER judge an ‘I forgot’. I forget everything. Recently I left my cat outside while I fell asleep. Sometimes she is so quiet, I don’t know where she is 24/7. I thought she was in another room. And then suddenly, I realized at 11:45PM that she was on the screened in porch. She loves being outside at night. (She also loves to look at lightning and fireworks, in case you were wondering). I’m not a perfect pet owner. I would like to believe I do the best I can.

RIP Rusty. Your family loved you. I know you are so thankful for the years you had with them and you know that your human mom would never intentionally hurt you. I hope other people will see that too.

FWIW, I just found out the dog was deaf and blind,

Never been biked

I’m trying to watch High School Musical 3 or 2 or whatever. But the music is horrible. I LOVE musicals. Moulin Rouge is my favorite musical. RENT is my Broadway play of choice. Maybe I would be more into it if I knew what was going on. I just wanted to check it out because I have a major crush on Vanessa Hudgens. But this music…damn. I thought I might want the soundtrack but I don’t even want one song. Well I tried.



I almost had an orgasm at the hardware store. I’ve never had a orgasm and never think about wanting one.* But I screamed out when that man was showing me how great those shears were. 🙂 He laughed at my excitement. The shears have EXPENDABLE handles. Hello, who wouldn’t just die over that?

*I’m sorta scared that if I had one, I would want more. I seriously doubt it but anything is possible.

So tomorrow I’m going to work those shears. I’ll be getting up early. It is supposed to feel like 100 degrees. blah. One day I’m going to get a weed eater but I refuse to get one with the string. Those things scare me. My mom has one. I won’t get near it. There are string-less ones but they are more expensive and the only one I’ve seen is on an infomercial. heh.

Something I’ve decided to get is a bike. I have NEVER had a bike in my life. A tricycle yes but for some reason my dad never took the training wheels off. Maybe because we moved somewhere where we couldn’t ride?? I don’t know. I am weary about learning to ride a bike at 29 but when I get it I’m either going to practice at my mom’s house or early in the morning at a park. If I can’t master it. I will take it back to the store. I want that to be my new exercise.

I’ll probably buy a helmet too since I have no idea how to ride a bike. 🙂 This won’t be happening soon because money doesn’t grow on trees like some people ::cough my mom cough:: think. Most of the bikes under $120 have a low rating on Amazon. I have no idea why. I’ll research it when I’m ready to buy a bike. I wish I could get a kids bike but my legs are too long. I do wear kids clothes (size 12-14 girls in shorts, thank you very much!) sometimes. I got some cool shorts for a dollar. Most of the time I wear junior, women clothes. I’m not cheap, just savvy. 😉
In bad news, my cat bite me this morning and drew blood! I don’t want to hear anything about cat scratch bacteria. If I die from it FINE. I haven’t been to a medical doctor in 8 years so there could be numerous things wrong with me. Other than ulcers and maybe Lyme disease, I think I’m fine. (I’m not joking about either. I had a tick on me for years…is that gross?)

Turning from High School Music. I’m going to take a nap while watching the US Open (is there a rain delay? – hope not, what round are they on? so confused.) and probably fall asleep. Then back to studying for the rest of the night.