I dance on my own

I don’t know exactly how affirmative action works, but the people staunchly against it… How many of them got jobs because of their relatives? Or got into college or got that internship because of someone they knew? Hell yeah, I’m bitter. I never got shit from anyone because I don’t know anyone. Bottom of the totem pole.

I always thought affirmative action should be economically based. HOWEVER, like I said I don’t know much about how AA works. I’m saying flat out that I’m ignorant about most of it. So don’t slam me for the economic statement. (A lot of people I admire thinks it shouldn’t be economically based).

People suck.  That statement has nothing to do with affirmative action. They just suck. I have to say this at least every few months. Sometimes – most of the time – people piss me off. Just when I feel safe, someone triggers me. I can’t say more because if the person is reading this (HIGHLY unlikely), they will keep doing it and my life will be hell.

Not much going on this weekend. On Saturday,  I’m working a little over half a day. On Sunday, I’m going shopping at Target. If I go to the gym, it will be Sunday after Target. I’m definitely going to spend some time reading outside since it will be so warm. (Well, warm for December. 75 degrees).

This week I…

Music of the week:  Maria Mena, Courtney Barnett, Jessie Ware, Chris Stapleton, Ellie Goulding, A Great Big World, Demi Lovato, Alessia Cara

song of the week: Maria Mena – I Don’t Wanna See You With Her

What does Maria have to do to make it big in the United States? Nice voice, great lyrics. Sigh. She is finally using her voice better on her recordings. Her new album is album of the year material. It could be her best album.

TV of the week: Pretty Little Liars, basketball

I have a serious issue. Serious. I’m afraid to watch my teams play basketball. When I watch, they lose. I’m jinxing them. It’s all my fault! I’m being dramatic here. Obvs. But for the first time, I feel like I’m really jinxing my teams so I haven’t been watching much of the end of basketball games recently. Yes, I know that is nuts.

I’m also addicted to news. But that has been going on for years. Not a new issue.

Movie of the week:  The One I Love I love Elisabeth Moss. The movie? Not so much. It was okay.

Books of the week:  I have so many books to read!  I kind of went nuts checking books out from the library and now I have so many to read in a short period of time. I may not finish all of them. I did finish Rising Strong by Brene Brown and  The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn Saks. I recommend both.

If you are a person with mental illness, the challenge is to find the life that’s right for you. But in truth, isn’t that the challenge for all us, mentally ill or not?

– Elyn Saks (simply brilliant)

Currently reading:

These are the books I plan to finish before the end of the year. I hope I don’t get any more books off my hold list.

Planner update:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
plans of the week

I should be more cynical

The next time someone says, “I don’t have time for that” in a condescending way, I’m just going to say “Yeah, that is why I don’t wear makeup” or “that is why I don’t have kids”. It’s true. I have no interest in those things and I would rather spend my time doing something else. They can do whatever with their time. I don’t care.

This is silly, but there are people who say “I don’t have time for ‘pretty planning’. Btw, I don’t consider what I do pretty planning because it isn’t that pretty. I use my planner to keep me organized. I write down my to-dos first and then on the weekend, I’ll take 30 minutes and decorate the page. 30 whole minutes! Anyway, these same people spend god knows how long putting on makeup or doing (fill in the blank), yet they claim they don’t have time for something.

Please. It’s all about priorities. I prioritize fun stuff. I could take the time to put on makeup, but I don’t care about it. Makeup is probably fun for some people. I have to do something fun everyday to destress.  (More than one thing whenever possible). I don’t even think about it or plan it. It is necessary.

Anyway, decorating my planner is fun and very relaxing. It’s called a hobby. HOBBY. What a concept! People do stuff they like for fun? WOW. If it ever stops being fun, I’ll stop. Obvs.

Oops. I think that was a rant? Is that allowed? Damn, I keep breaking the rules. 😉

Looks like I’m also working on Xmas. None of this overtime is written in stone. So I shouldn’t celebrate too much. But I am a little excited. With any extra money, I’m going to get my car fixed and I might go to Asheville for my vacation in May. That is still up in the air.

Looking forward to my cheat day on Thursday. I’m buying food in advance tomorrow. 🙂

This week I…

Music of the week:  Ellie Goulding, Justin Bieber, Alessia Cara, Sam Smith, Alanis Morissette, A Great Big World, Borns, The Weeknd

song of the week: Alessia Cara – I’m Yours

TV of the week:  Lost (season 6), basketball, news as usual

I have to stop leaving my TV on cable news before going to sleep. I keep doing it. I wake up to breaking news at 3AM.

Movies of the week:  none.

Books of the week:  I finished reading I Feel Like Going On: Life, Game & Glory by Ray Lewis and Daniel Paisner. Good book. Not too much football talk for nonfans. Quick read. It was nice reliving the football seasons. It made me miss football. #BoycottFootball because it kills people. Anyhow, I’m a huge Ray Lewis fan. (Baltimore, baby!)

Working on finishing these 3 library books:

Planner update:  

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

I’m going to eat dinner, work late and then watch college basketball. Tonight won’t be a late night like most Friday nights. Gotta work in the morning.

 

I know what it looks like from the outside

I’m going to stop acting like I’ve already been diagnosed with cancer. What a novel concept! The waiting is the hardest part. I will find out soon enough (early next week – maybe Monday??). I know most people with cancer don’t have symptoms and I only have one (pain). The pain could be due to something else. I just hope that I can get a concrete diagnosis after the ultrasound and mammogram. I don’t want to have to keep going back. I’m taking 2 hours off on Monday to go to the doctor. I don’t want to keep taking time off.

Thanks for any good vibes. I’m terrified of getting a mammogram. I’m scared of the (possible?) pain. I have a feeling the people who say mammograms don’t hurt say the same about pap smears.

I have a bad feeling about all this, but I’m not assuming anything.

Yes, I know some people will judge me for my posts.  (OMG! She is like being totally dramatic!) Those are the same people that judged me before…about social anxiety or not having sex or not being social or whatever. I don’t care. Obvs. 😉 It’s amazing that these people who claim not to judge or gossip, judge and gossip. Well, it isn’t that shocking. People are people. Sorry for the semi-rant. Continuing…

I’ve been thinking about my life as one might do when they think they may get a bad diagnosis. I think I did okay considering all factors. The one thing I wish I had done more is travel. But I do consider it a big win that I left the United States. That was my dream since I turned 15. At one point I thought college might be a way to live overseas by studying abroad. LOL. I had to put some of the cost of school on my credit card so that didn’t work out. After that didn’t happen, I thought I would never get an opportunity to leave.

There are plenty more places I want to go, but I think I did okay with what I have (financially, mentally etc.). I have also been to a lot of concerts. This is so not what normal people think about when they think of their lives. I KNOW, but everyone has different definitions of living.

I loved a lot of animals. 🙂 People? ehhh, not so much. ROFL.

I would like to do a few more things. But right now I’m trying not to think of specific things. If you had a year to live what would you do? That is a hard question. Is money a factor? It would be for me. So I don’t know the answer.

————————

This week I…

Music of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen, Maddie & Tae, Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Tori Kelly, Nina Simone, Joss Stone

Song of the week: Rachel Platten – Fight Song

TV of the week: Big Brother, Curb Your Enthusiasm, U.S Open

Re: Big Brother – Go, Steve, Go! I would love for him to win. I support the socially awkward. 😉 I think he is playing the second best game. I thought him intentionally losing all those comps was stupid, but he knew what he was doing. Vanessa is the best player this season. I wouldn’t mind her winning or John. Anyone but Austin.

Movies of the week:  I watched 50 minutes of Dear White People. Bleh. It wasn’t interesting enough. I might watch Wild this weekend even though I hated the book.

Books of the week:  I didn’t get a chance to read that much. I’ve been working long hours. Still reading The Power of 100! Kickstart Your Dreams, Build Momentum, and Discover Unlimited Possibility by Shaun King  and  Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross (55% through) by Craig Seymour and Maybe Someday (on page 185) by Colleen Hoover. I would love to know where I got the idea to read this book. It is not what I normally read. It is borderline romance.

I brought Soul Shifts: Transformative Wisdom for Creating a Life of Authentic Awakening, Emotional Freedom, &  Practical Spirituality by Dr. Barbara De Angelis (WHY ARE TITLES SO LONG THESE DAYS???) It was on sale for 1.99 so I grabbed it. I know it’s crazy, but I’m thinking about starting this one tonight. Not sure. I’m living wild and crazy…with all these books. I heard her on the Hay House radio app. After listening to her for 30 mins, I decided I wanted this book.

I also brought a Wayne Dyer (RIP) 3-book collection. It was on sale for 1.99 also. I read most of one of the books. The others are new to me. Great deals. I don’t know how long they will last. I just know many books are on sale for 1.99 as of Friday.

Planner update:

plans of the week
plans of the week

This weekend I want to mow the lawn, clean and read. In that order. No working this weekend. YAY. 🙂 I really need to read if I want to finish my library books. Most of them are on hold so I can’t renew them.

Oh yeah, CHEAT DAY tomorrow (Saturday)! I haven’t lost a pound in a week so why not? I’m stuck at 125. I may not lose anymore and that’s fine with me. I only have two more weeks of Nutrisystem food left. 😦

I see behind the mask

By now, everyone has seen the Kristen Stewart quote, but I’m still going to post it because this is what I’ve been saying for years:

I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.

I could not agree more. I know some people NEED the label of gay or straight but some people don’t. I need a label for a few things but in general, I don’t like labels. I don’t feel the need to label myself “asexual”, but some people need to know there is a name for it. People think there is something wrong with them. Imagine being the only one is attracted to the same gender or the only one with no sexual attraction. That would make a person feel very strange, but just knowing there is a name and there are other people like you makes things a little better.

If I ever have sex (DOUBTFUL), I will definitely experiment. I won’t tie myself down to only men or women. For now, I feel no need for it. I think I’m asexual as they come. No need to do the deed. 🙂

I’m stuck between 127 and 128 pounds. I’m going to Red Lobster a week from today. I will have a slight cheat day. The only cheating I will do involves eating the salad and bread. The main dish will still be healthy and under 300 calories. However, if I’m still stuck at 128 in a week, I may do a full on cheat day next Friday. 😉 I’ll eat whatever I want.  What a concept! That can be dangerous at Red Lobster.

Next week will be busy. Full of non-fun things. I will be studying for a test to keep my certification. I’m taking the test in September. I think I’m taking it September 26th, but I might move it up a week. I get to take the test at home. I’m going to drop my dog off at doggy daycare for the day even though he probably won’t bug me too much. He may have to go outside and the test is timed (3.5 hours). Most people say they finished the test way before time was up. I hope I can say the same.

This week I…

Music of the week: Tori Kelly, Rico Love, Natalie Imbruglia, Joss Stone, John Mayer, Jennifer Pena, Bea Miller, Nina Simone

Song of the week: Laura Welsh – Hardest Part (Live)

Watched: Big Brother, Dexter

Movies of the week:  none

Books of the week:

I finished Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Wow. This book will be required reading in schools. It deserves a series of entries. There is so much to say. “Wow” about sums it up for this small spot. I will listen to it again (I have the audiobook. I have to return the library book). It is a very short book, btw. Quick read…unless you are trying to read a million books at once. President Obama is reading the book this summer.  Smart man. 😉

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty on page 246

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeon I don’t think this book is for me…right now. It seems to be for people with social demands.  I kind of have one person I need to set boundaries with.

The Tapping Solution A Revolutionary System for Stress-Free Living by Nick Ortner Science pretty much says tapping is BS. But I’m giving it a chance. I did it twice and I still have social anxiety. :/ It did relax me, though. Sort of like meditation. This is perfect to do before bed. Tapping is supposed to help with physical and mental pain. I’m definitely skeptical.

Planner update:

plans of the week
plans of the week

you can call it sabotage

I should be relieved after the meeting with my manager but now I am more fearful than ever! She was just going over the first half of the year. NOW is the problem. &%$# I just hate living in this fear. But at least I have my job and I know what can/will happen in the future. (not good). Fuck. She knows I have been a good worker for several years. She knows they are after me.  She made that clear without directly saying it. She can’t say it. She basically told me to do what I am already doing: control what I can control. But it is too late…They came after me quickly and all at once.

Too damn late. Well, I have to go back to not worrying too much about it. Easier said than done but I’ve done it in the past so I can do it now. It’s hard to get work done when you’re working in fear. It’s hard to live when you’re living in fear. I’m overthinking and overanalyzing. Not good.

Thanks for any and all good vibes. 🙂

—————

This week I…

Music of the week:  Tori Kelly, Bea Miller, Broods, Florence + the Machine, Paramore,  Shelby Lynne, Crystal Lewis, Ed Sheeran

Song of the week: Johnnyswim – Over

Johnnyswim is a duo. The female singer is the daughter of Donna Summer. Please listen. You’ll fall in love.

Watched: Big Brother, Dexter, James Holmes trial

In less than a week, the republican debate will be on! Exciting times. Trump or no Trump. I love politics (except when it hurts people). I’m only bummed because the republicans have cut back on their debates. I’m not sure what the democrats are doing debate wise. I think they thought it would just be Hilary for the win. Since that is no longer the case, they need to think about debates. I’ll be watching.

Speaking of politics and TV, unfortunately, I was right about MSNBC. Three more shows are gone. I only really liked Alex’s show, but I won’t be watching anymore. Their daytime stuff is becoming unwatchable. I know this will make me sound like a bad mom, BUT I leave my TV on (mute) for my dog. He looooves watching TV. lol. He really gets into it. The problem occurs when an animal comes on the screen. He starts running toward the TV and barking. That sucks if I’m sleeping so I have to remember to turn the TV off before I sleep. I often forget.

I have to do an entry on politics. That always goes over well. 😉 For now, I just want to say: Some Bernie Sanders supporters are getting on my nerves and don’t sleep on Martin O’Malley (MARYLAND in the house). I don’t support anyone running as of right now. I’m sure I will change my mind later on. I just don’t care enough right now. Too early plus I’m a little cynical about politics at the moment.

Movies of the week:  I started watching a transgender documentary but just wasn’t into it.

Books of the week: I finished Something Must Be Done About Prince Edward County: A Family, a Virginia Town, a Civil Rights Battle by Kristen Green. Good to average book. Read it if you’re interested in how the schools being integrated (or not) affected blacks.

I’m juggling 3 books right now. Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross by Craig Seymour. I’m not a Luther fan, but people have recommended this book. I love reading books about musicians. I never knew the stuff about David Bowie or Bette Midler. Fascinating. So far I feel like I have a lot in common with Luther.

Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates. So many great quotes. I might have to share some next week. I’m listening to it on Audible while I read it on my kindle. This is a great way to experience a book. I love the way Coates says “Baltimore”.

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty  So far there is a lot of kid talk. I have no idea what this book is about. I’m going in 100% blind. Hopefully the main focus is the adults. I love reading about teens/young adults* but kids in kindergarten? No. I will give it a decent chance before giving up.

*If I ever write a book it will be about a teen or college student with social anxiety. Write what you know.

Guess what I plan on doing this weekend? Lots of reading. Yay.

I just wanna yell

Two days after I downloaded Ta-Nehisi Coates’ new book from Audible, the library offers an ebook version of it! argh! And it was available. WTF is wrong with people? Read the damn book. Are people not paying attention???  To be fair, at last count 17 people were waiting for the 3D version of the book at my local library. So everyone isn’t sleeping. Anyway, I’m glad it was available. 🙂 Now I (temporarily) have two versions. Some people read the book and listen to the Audible version at the same time. I have never tried that, but I think I will with some of this book. Just to see how it goes…

Geeking out on books. Yes!

——–

I have a perfect example of how “doing your best” is not always enough. But I don’t want to share because I don’t know who reads and I don’t want anyone to figure out who I’m talking about. It is sort of obvious. I’ll try:

Someone is sick. O is trying her best to take care of this person. The best is all she has. But guess what? It isn’t good enough. The person needs more help. More resources. Doing your best isn’t always good enough. I think passing this lie around is part of the problem. People really think if they do their best then they are doing the right thing. Uh, no. Please stop with the doing your best BS. I do my best at lots of things. Guess what? Not good enough. I’m reminded daily.

Sometimes people have options. When doing your best is not enough, please look into getting help or other resources.

I had to get that off my chest. I could’ve said a ton more. Too bad I can’t talk any sense to O. I’ve tried. Didn’t work. I’m done. I just want to scream: JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST, DOESN’T MAKE IT RIGHT. Too bad someone is not getting the best care because this person truly believes if she does her best then that is enough. She has a record of this type of thinking, btw. The lies we tell…

————-

Speaking of lies…I’m so annoyed at females right now. They were told in the very early 1900s that they needed to shave their underarms for hygiene reasons. What a joke. In 2015, women are still shaving their armpits. Some of them actually believe it is for hygiene reasons!!! Well then: why don’t men have to shave? This all started due to strapless dresses and what MEN WANT. Simple as that.

Again: What a fucking joke. Okay, I’m being selfish because I don’t shave. I have no desire to and I want that to be okay. What women do for men. It’s a shame. I know almost every female would say they shave because they want to. Sure. And I know men and women reading this are going “gross” so I’ll stop. 😉

————–

I go to the doctor tomorrow for a checkup. I haven’t had a checkup in 3 years. I hope she doesn’t ask the sex questions. Everyone isn’t into sex. yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh! I have the perfect quote for this. I just read it last night.

I lived for the love of music. Maybe that’s why when everyone was forming couples and falling in love, when romance was all around me, I missed out. I was distracted. My life was in the headphones. It might have been lonely in there, but I had no choice. By then, music was an obsession. It still is.

-Luther Vandross (1990)

It is hard to believe there is something out there better than music. Love that quote because it is nice knowing other people out there get it. Other people are crazy passionate about music too. Music = life.

Just waiting for me to fail

I think it is time for me to start looking for another job. 😦 I didn’t want this to happen now. I need to keep this job until at least June 2016. I’m not quitting. (At least I don’t think so. Time will tell….)  They will have to “let me go”.  The more I think about it, the more I should apply for other jobs NOW. My mind is spinning. How do you answer the “Why were you fired” question during interviews? Lie?  Sigh, I don’t want to think about it. I can’t say the WHY of all this for obvious reasons. It sucks. I guess the plan for now is just to be frugal. I dunno. And keep selling stuff for extra income.

Despite what is going on, I’m still off next week. I wish I could stay in all week. lol. Never gonna happen. Here’s the plan for the week:

Monday: stay in and clean/organize, post any eBay auctions

Tuesday: laundromat, donate clothes to LGBT shop and take other clothes to the consignment shop

Wednesday: take my dog to the park or go to my favorite park alone. Haven’t decided. I would do both, but I like to get to parks early (9-ish) so I can’t do both.

Thursday: I’m dropping my dog off to get groomed then I will head to the gym for a spin class.

Friday: stay in. Maybe mow the front yard? Not sure.

Nothing exciting. I’m going to be worrying about losing my job. I won’t let it take over my week, but I will be checking my work email to see whether my manager emails me for a meeting. This sucks. Have I said how much this sucks? And no one fully understands the issue so I have no one to talk to about it. You have to work there to understand.

I’ve decided not to donate clothes to The Junior League at this time. I may save those clothes for later or I may just give everything to the LGBT store. I wanted to support The JL because it is a good cause, but I don’t want to make all those stops.

I still haven’t cancelled my gym membership. The truth is when I have to mow the lawn (takes TWO hours), I don’t feel the need to go the gym. I can burn 600+ calories mowing my lawn. So why go to the gym?  I usually take two days to mow my lawn so that is two days of exercise. I used to hate mowing my lawn until I realized how many calories it burned. But when it gets cooler, I’m going to want to go to the gym for a class or two. So for now, I’m thinking about keeping my membership. Some of it depends on my class experience on Thursday. If it REALLY sucks, I will probably ask the front desk how I go about canceling my membership.

This week I…

Music of the week: Tori Kelly, Juanes, Leslie Grace, Tamia, Demi Lovato, Raquel Sofia, Nina Simone, Florence + the Machine

Video of the week – another Tori Kelly song. “It Should’ve Been Us” (Live)

Watched: Chasing Life, The Fosters, Big Brother, Wimbledon

I’m rooting for Serena and Federer. Unfortunately, I won’t get to see Serena play tomorrow because I’ll be out running errands. Can’t wait for the US Open. One day I’m going to New York for that.

Movies of the week: Captivated: The Trials of Pamela Smart (documentary)

Books of the week:  I finished reading Yes Please by Amy Poehler. Good book. I was pleasantly surprised. A better book is Not Fade Away: A Memoir of Senses Lost and Found by Rebecca Alexander. I’m going to finish that this weekend. If you like memoirs at all, you’ll love that book.

I just started reading Something Must Be Done About Prince Edward County: A Family, a Virginia Town, a Civil Rights Battle by Kristen Green. (long title – whew!)

Planner update:

plans of the  week
plans of the week

Now I’m going to make a mix CD of Tori Kelly’s music and read. I might get some cleaning in there too.  #TypicalFridayNight.