A sermon to white and black America

A few quotes from Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Michael Eric Dyson.

Too many yellow Negroes deny light privilege the way many of you deny white privilege. We are as blind to our perks as you are to yours…Too many light folk just don’t want to admit what we all know to be the case. And I’m not speaking of light guilt, our color-struck version of white guilt. I mean owning up to the benefits and advantages of being light-skinned. We make up the same reasons why we should be spared reckoning with shade and tone as you give for not addressing whiteness and privilege.

Nothing annoys me more (okay, slight exaggeration coming) then when people don’t acknowledge their privilege.

Our being color-struck isn’t the only sign that we’ve imitated whiteness. We’ve also emulated and adopted your coarse reactions to class and sexual identity. Many of us have joined the unfortunate assualt on gay folk…Although we deny it, the same kind of people who opposed interracial marriage oppose same same sex marriage too. Black folk have blindly followed a path of prejudice that earlier ended with us as victims.


….Poor whites seem to say, “At least there’s a  nigger beneath me.” And it’s a way for poor whites to be of value to richer whites, especially when poor whites agree that black folks are the soure of their trouble.

The truth hurts.

This book is good. Not great, but it is the best book Dyson has ever written, IMHO. I love that he made it personal. I could have typed out many more quotes, but these are the ones that stood out most to me.

Putting my defenses up

I finished reading  A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold. Every parent should read this book. Hell, everyone should read this book (but especially parents). There’s so much information on how to spot a depressed or suicidal kid.

I could relate to a lot of it. I grew up depressed. Despite suffering through years of bullying, I didn’t want to kill myself until my early twenties, but I did often wish I was never born during the bullying years. (Is that a big difference?) I would write about that a lot in my personal and online journal.

I have so many quotes from the book I want to share, but I can’t.

Here’s one:

Bullying, however severe, is not an excuse for physical retaliation or violence, much less mass murder. But I do believe Dylan was bullied, and that along with many other factors, and perhaps in combination with them, bullying probably did play some role in what he did. Given Dylan’s temperament and core personality traits, it’s easy to understand why being bullied would have been especially hurtful to him…He was extremely self-conscious and critical of himself. (Relentless self-criticism is, incidentally, another sign of depression)…This sense of himself would have been badly eroded with each (bullying) incident.

I don’t know how schools are dealing with bullying these days. I don’t have kids. I don’t know anything about what goes on in schools. When I was in school, the teachers knew I was being severely bullied. Looking back, it would have been impossible for the school to just make it ALL stop. I hope things are much better for kids today. And I hope they aren’t getting told the BS about all kids being bullied.

Radical opinion alert: (avert your eyes) – I do believe that physical retaliation or violence is a natural want when being bullied. Emotional pain hurts. WTF are you supposed to do? I took it for over a decade, with NO RETALIATION and look at me now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the book: The mother of Dylan Keblod doesn’t dwell on bullying, but it did affect her son’s depression so she does mention it.

I’m in awe of Sue Klebold. I think she’s an awesome person and shame on anyone for blaming her for what her son did. Those people also need to read this book.

A tremendous amount of research has been done on the effects of peer harassment, and there is unquestionably a correlation between bullying and brain health disorders that stretches all the way into adulthood*. A Duke University study found that, compared with kids who weren’t bullied, those who were had FOUR times the prevelence of agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, and panic disorder as adults.

*No shit.

There is also a strong association between bullying and depression and suicide. Both being a victim and bullying others is related to high risks of depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. Researchers at Yale found that victims of bullying were two to nine times more likely to report suicidal thoughts than other children.

I’ll stop quoting now. I cannot recommend this book enough. I cried so much while reading it. I don’t know how she managed to get through it all. Well, she did have social support. That helps A LOT. I admire her strength. Bless Sue Klebold and her family.

Floored by love

Today was a good day. 🙂


Sometimes I just want to scream “I’m not the one who made personal ‘blogging’ up! This is what people did. All kinds of people…it seemed like everyone was doing it.” And now no one does it. Well there are a few of us. (Hi!) I miss the online diaries days so much.  I miss the people. I miss the community. I hate calling this a blog.

Why are you talking about you? Who cares about you? Who are you? This is so funny to me. Hello? Anyway, now people just tweet, use instagram, and facebook INSTEAD of personal blogging. They are still doing the same thing but just in a cooler format.

Why am I ranting about this? I’m reading How to Blog for Profit (Without Selling Your Soul) by Ruth Soukup. I’m exactly 44% through. It is a great, informative, book but it isn’t what I’m trying to do. Reading this book just makes it clearer. I’m not a writer. I don’t have a desire to write a personal blog for an audience. That would be selling my soul.

However, I am interested in fan sites. I have done so many over the years (about 10). I had the first ever Aaliyah (RIP) fan site on the net. It wasn’t very good because I didn’t know what I was doing but I got so many hits. So…I enjoy doing fan sites and it takes a lot of time. Maybe I could get money for it? It isn’t easy for me to go out and get a part time job so why not treat the fan site as a part time job?

The domain I want is actually available. I’m in no rush because I think it will be there for a while. For now, I’m just going to update my fansite-ish blog on wordpress.com.  I had stopped for a few months because the musician was too busy for me but I will slowly get back into it. And instead of a typical “fan site” which is more like a website than a blog,  I may just keep doing it in a blog format and see what happens.

My point is I’m glad I started reading this book. At first I was trying to think of ways I could blog for profit. I came up empty. I don’t do DIY projects. I don’t cook. I don’t have a profitable talent.  She doesn’t mention fan sites. I’m not sure why…..They get a lot of hits. People go there daily for news. But then again most people don’t do fan sites in a blog format. I’m going to do it though!

Perhaps I will dedicate one hour a day to my nonprofit fan site/blog and see what happens. Anyway, I am breaking all the how to blog for profit rules in this one post. LOL.

I would definitely recommend this book to people who want to make a profit out of blogging. It was written in 2013 so it is up to date.

Hard Knocks

My uncle is dying of cancer. I think my dog has a tumor. These thoughts are always in the back of my mind these days. It just sucks. There is not much more to say other than I’m profoundly sad…and this really sucks. It is like nothing else really matters.


I know that blogging about politics would turn people off. But I can’t blog without sharing MY TRUTH. I know it will turn people off but whatever. It wasn’t even that radical. Fine. I would vote for Obama and Romney. I like them equally. 😉 That’s why I always laugh when people say “be yourself”. Uh, not me. I’m envious of people who can pull that off though.


What I needed to hear while growing up:

I told her it would likely go on and she’d have to survive it. That she’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it, and if she wasn’t able to do that, then her whole life would be shit, forever and ever and ever. I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything.

-Cheryl Strayed

What is more truer than that?


I feel so strongly about the injustice of the American justice system but I don’t know what I can do. Maybe the author offers solutions, I don’t know because I’m only 60% through the book. The only thing I know to do is to recommend people to read The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander.

  • If you have ever wondered why people plead guilty to crimes they did not commit.
  • If you have a ounce of curiosity of how the “others” live.
  • If you want to understand the underclass mentality.
  • If you didn’t know carrying any amount of marijuana is a felony in some states
  • If you want to know what it is like to live once you get out of prison (and why would anyone go back???)
  • If you want to know why so many black and brown men have prison records.
  • If you want to know the truth behind the “War on Drugs”.
  • If the words “white criminal” make you pause or if you find the words confounding. (be honest!).

Is the author preaching to the choir? We need regular curious people to read this book. I have always wanted to do something to help people once they get out of prison (it is in the archive somewhere). I hope she offers plausible solutions besides just call your politician. I would say that this is the last time I will mention this book, but I’m not sure. I’m passionate about this topic.

Injustice Anywhere Is a Threat to Justice Everywhere


I’m pretty sure I could never read a book about what happened at Virginia Tech. I could and would read a profile on the killer but that’s it. (psych major). It’s too close. I still can’t believe it happened. My eyes were blood shot for a week. I kept the newspaper in my car for months. It started to yellow and eventually I threw it away. I don’t think I ever read it. Denial is the best way to describe it.

I remember Columbine. I remember seeing all the victims pictures in the paper and crying. I’d just graduated from high school the year before. It was heart breaking.

(The following is a spoiler for people interested in the book – Columbine by Dave Cullen):

Eric Harris and Dylan Keblod. Eric was a psychopath. I’ve read a lot about adult psychopaths but to read about one so young is…chilling. There isn’t a cure. That is the scary part. Another thing I found interesting is that he stopped taking Zoloft 2-3 weeks before the murders. Was it working too well? I know he could not have been cured but did he feel something? Maybe less homicidal?

Dylan was not a psychopath. He was severely depressed and suicidal. Without his friendship with Eric, I think he would have just killed himself. I don’t know why he didn’t kill himself. He wanted to die at least a year before Eric ever came up with the murder plan. Dylan was a romantic. Maybe that gave him a glimmer of hope. Or maybe he was just too scared.

Something else that jumped out is the fact that they were arrested before. I didn’t know that (or I had forgotten). Doesn’t that ring bells anymore? Is it normal for teenagers to get arrested? A part of life? Their parents punished them. I’m not into blaming the parents for this…just pointing out there was some kind of warning signs. It boggles my mind that the parents thought everything was “okay” with their kids.

I can’t reiterate enough that I do not blame the parents for what happened on that awful day. People want to have someone to blame and the parents are alive. These days Dylan’s parents support suicide prevention. While Eric’s parents haven’t said anything to the media. (Eric’s house is where the guns and bombs were stored so I can understand why they would go into hiding. Eric’s room was in the basement. My guess is that his parents gave him privacy and never went into his room. I’m sure other parents do this too…)

Eric went through psychiatric care which does nothing for a psychopath. Maybe what happened at Columbine could have been prevented but Eric was a lost cause. He would have done a mass murder elsewhere. I think – I know Dylan could have been “saved”. Without Eric, he never would have done this. He never would have gone through all the plans, buying weapons etc. He even turned Eric in before he just seemed to give up on his self.

All of this is from reading their journal entries and psychologists. This isn’t just my opinion, by the way.

And the one thing that made me angry is how the one teacher that died could have been saved. He was conscious for at least 3 hours after getting shot. That will break your heart. What happened was bad enough but how does the family deal with that?

you make me feel

Depression is settling in again. I guess I’m only allowed a little window of the good life. I can tell because doing the little things take so much energy. I get overwhelmed easily. But I guess I am due a life of gloom and an early death…

According to this fascinating book I just read: The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work I knew most of the things already. I read the results of psychology studies as much as I can. However, it is nice to have it all in one book. It isn’t just about work. I think all managers should read it but it is for everyone.

I feel like such a geek for loving this book so much. It talks about the science of happiness. It describes and gives the results of research studies. Psychology people will love this book.

What I don’t like is the part where the author goes over the scientific fact that you must have social relationships. Yes I know it is true. Do you want me to just shoot myself in the head now? I mean, why bother with anything? Why even try yoga? I’m just going to be miserable since I don’t have friends/social support. thanks a bunch! 🙂 I know anyone writing a book on happiness has to point this out because it is true.

That is why I always say that social anxiety is one of the worst things to have. But I’m not allowed to say that since I have it. People would ask, “What about —-?” I would ask, “Do you have friends? Can you talk?” That is going to make any situation you have to deal with a hell of a lot easier. But once again, I’m not allowed to say this.
Like I tweeted, I missed my yoga class by about 10-20 minutes. 😦 My GPS is broke. I can’t get anywhere without my GPS…besides work and the library. lol. So I was late but it was nice to actually see the place. I couldn’t get much of a vibe but at least I’m less likely to get lost again. I paid for 3 classes. That is all I plan on taking unless I think this place offers something no other place can. Who knows? They have a free class once a month and I would love to do that forever.

(Yoga is not the cheapest thing to do regularly. So after this I might consider taking the discounted yogalates class at work when it starts back up again.)

I thought visiting the place would lessen my anxiety but it didn’t. I didn’t want to take Thursday’s class because the only thing offered to newbies like me is Iyengar yoga. It seems a little intimidating for a brand new person. I wanted to go to Tuesday’s class (Vinyasa flow yoga) because it seems more my style. It focuses more on breathing and relaxation. That is what I want from yoga. But I am going* to the the Iyenger class tomorrow after work. I hope it isn’t as scary as it could be with the use of props! I see the purpose of it. It builds strength of the mind. I could use that! 😉

*Hopefully I make it. I’m going without a GPS. ::gasp!:: It took me over an hour to get home. I was beyond lost. Ugh, I hated life pre-GPS. LOL.


It is 4PM on NYE and I’m so tired but I’m always tired. I’m in a hotel room, 15 miles from where I live. I feel like I should be out doing something. It is 50 degrees outside after all. I didn’t even need a coat but I’ll probably stay in. I’m taking my mom out to eat tomorrow. That’s enough of an outing for a weekend. Heh. She wants to go out for dinner. I hope it isn’t crowded. I LOVE breakfast food so if it were up to me I’d go around 10AM. But it’s her choice.

I interrupt this journal break to speak about two things. I’ll start with the one thing that freaks me out the most: money. FUCK, I brought a 4G Wireless thingy for my laptop! School starts in a week. My dial-up connection was out. It’s not the ISP but the phone line. Verizon spent a couple of hours putting the phone line back up. Yep, it fell for no apparent reason (?) again. And it is still not working. Fine. I told them to come back next week. But I forgot that I’m on a phone schedule at work (even if I don’t actually get on the phone) so I can’t leave work to let him in. That means no internet in time for classes.

(Verizon 4G network zips, but all that data will cost you)

I didn’t want to give up dial-up. I used to say that I was the only person in America still using it but I’ve learned that one reason um, poorer nations have great Wi-fi is due to the call center jobs they have…Duh, that makes sense. So I was the only person on Earth with dial-up…Who knows what the Martians are using?

The worst thing about the 4G thing is…where do I begin? It is LIMITED. Why am I paying $60 a month for limited internet access? HUH? I only get 5GBs a month. Um, hello I grew up on the net. I was on the net when only geeks were on. I was on Prodigy and Compuserv. I know what a list-serv is. Do I seem like a person that would only use 5GBs a month???

With dial up, it took forever but it was cheap and I had NO LIMITS. So now I’m paying much more and I can do less. I’m not a genius but that doesn’t make sense to me. Wow, who knew dial-up was so good. I’m glad my mom has the regular wireless internet from Comcast. NO LIMITS… I was desperate. The worst thing is the cost. I had to pay $150 for the gadget. I get a $50 rebate so $100. Whatev. Then I have to pay two months up front in less than a week! That is a lot of money (to me). FUCK. Do you think I would have booked this hotel or done anything AT ALL this month if I knew I was going to buy this?? NO.

I refuse to believe I’m stuck with this. For now I kinda am. But it costs $175 to terminate the contract so once I’ve had it for a while, I can cancel it and get something better suited for me. I knew I should not have gone in that store. I knew it!

Oh, I was supposed to review it. I used it last night. It’s um fast…I guess. It isn’t fastest than regular Wi-Fi. I obviously don’t care about speed so that doesn’t mean much to me. I was cut knocked off twice (after about 2 straight hours on). Once I jumped up suddenly and bumped the computer. The other time I was doing nothing and got disconnected. So far that is a minor annoyance. As long as I can get back on if I’m doing something important like paying a bill, I’m fine. I’m monitoring my usage which will take time to get used to. I doubt school will require too much usage.

Verizon Wireless 4G LTE

I’m still thinking about dropping another class. Speaking of school, I still haven’t gotten my check from the class I paid for and dropped a week later. I’ll give them one more week. I think I’m going to just to OT out of the wazoo until it is gone. (Rumors say February-ish). I was being a little carefree because I was doing OT. Well guess what? ALL THAT IS GONE and then some. 😦

The second thing:

I have found the best organization book. Okay I’ve only read 2 other books on this subject because I haven’t had a HUGE clutter problem until recently – within the last 2-3 years. ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life RELAX! I’m not saying you have ADD. It doesn’t matter. This is the only book that says, “It is okay to clean in spurts when you feel like it”. I’m not an expert on organization books but I am a self help fiend. Most of those books frown down on when you FEEL LIKE IT. If you wait until you feel like it, you’re never going to do it. Um, no. I am a night person and that is when I get the urge to just start doing chores I normally hate.

Unfortunately that isn’t working for me. I have a day job. So doing anything at 11PM (when I have the most energy – LOL!) isn’t feasible. Anyhow, it is nice to read a book that doesn’t make you feel like a bad person because of how you are. If you are having issues with clutter and nothing else has worked maybe you should browse it the library or bookstore. Eventually I’ll post stuff I found helpful in the book.

BTW, I’m never staying in this hotel again. Maybe it is a NYE thing but I have never heard such a rowdy crowd. They slam their doors instead of just shutting it constantly and I dunno, maybe the walls are too thin? Never again. Sigh.

I know what’s ailing me

How did I miss the whole filibuster thing? I worked 2 hours of OT on Friday afternoon. Missed everything. Ugh, is CSPAN going to repeat the thing? I wish I could watch on the internet. But dial-up and streaming videos don’t go together well.

I think I’m going to work as long as I can on this Friday too. What else is there to do on a Friday night? 😉

It is so cold inside my house. Brrr! Another reason to work overtime. And no my NYE plans are not canceled. Unfortunately instead of 2 nights, I will probably do one. The hotel isn’t expensive but I don’t know how to justify spending the money. I’m sure I can somehow though. I used to go to my mom’s on some NYE (to avoid my firework neighbors) but then I realized how selfish that was. What if she had plans but didn’t want to say NO to me? It is NYE after all. I don’t celebrate. In fact, I hate it. I’ve had so many bad NYE’s memories…including the suicidal one. So I just need to get away.

I haven’t booked the hotel because I can’t decide on the number of nights. It’s not like the fireworks start on NYE. In fact I’ve already heard some. It will only get worse. Noise scares me in irrational ways. I react to noise like a person who is scared of snakes might react to seeing on snake on TV.

Speaking of fears…My therapist totally thinks I have PTSD. DUH!!!!!! I don’t need a doctorate. I live with myself. Since this fear is chronic and I relive it DAILY, it has no option but to be labeled PTSD. But forget the label. It is only important because the book is soooo awesome!! (The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms I almost LOL’d when my therapist pulled the book off her bookshelf. I was not expecting that at all. Anyone with a severe phobia has to get this book. I wasn’t able to complete all the exercises on my own but my therapist easily helped me.

I just hope I can tame the fear. I’m taking it slowly.

Ugh, I had to do something public today. NOT public speaking. I would die before that. But still…The comments from coworkers bothered me. I did it in the past with a ‘nice’ group 2 years ago. I didn’t freak out as much but today AHHHHHHHHH! I hope I don’t do it tomorrow. I couldn’t think. Tears (not a lot) were streaming down my face. I was super clumsy. Just another day in my life.

I really wish people could control their months because I’m sure they would if they could, right? I mean that would be NICE. 🙂

Talkarhea is what they have….and no desire to get rid of it.

Go Ravens!! I bleed purple.

How incredibly selfish!

Another passage on suicide:

…I told him I was writing a book about suicide, and this, as is not uncommonly the case, seemed to unbell the cat. A short silence followed. Then he said, with the remarkable certainty of someone whose thin understanding of suicide is belied by 30 years of private practice:

I was suicidal once, when I was 18. But I decided I couldn’t commit suicide because it would be so terrible for my family and friends. I certainly couldn’t now. I’m a doctor. Think what it would be like for my patients. How incredibly selfish!

A slight sense of moral superiority hung in the air…Then I reminded his friend that I had tried years earlier to kill myself, and nearly died in the attempt, but did not consider it either a selfish or non-selfish thing to have done. It was simply the end of what I could bear, the last afternoon of having to imagine waking up the next morning only to start all over again.

It was the final outcome of a bad disease, a disease I would never get the better. No amount of love from or for other people – and there was a lot – could help…There wasn’t much of me left anymore, anyway, and I thought my death would free up the wasted energies and well-meant efforts that were being wasted on my behalf.

from Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison

I’ve finished the book. I highly recommend it to inquisitive folks. I learned a lot about the history of suicide. Regarding the passage above, if my mom committed suicide I would think “How could she do this TO ME?” (among others things of course) I would go through that stage but I think understanding the depth of suicide helps with realizing that it has nothing to do with me/anyone else.

The main thing that bothers me after reading this book is how ambivalent doctors can be. That’s disturbing…They are supposed to help.
Today was a loooooooong day. I may blog about it one day.

Psychiatric hospitalization

Psychiatric hospitalization is generally both frightening and reassuring to suicidal patients. It continues to carry a heavy stigma and to create personal, economic, and professional difficulties for many individuals. And as we have seen, it does not prevent all suicides…Hospitalization is too often seen by both patients and their doctors as a symbolic defeat or as the treatment of last resort, rather than as an occasional necessity for a serious problem. These beliefs, which tend not to accompany decisions to hospitalize people who have other medical conditions, are pervasive and dangerous, and they stand in the way of good clinical care.

William Stryon, who described his hospitalization for suicidal depression as a ‘way station, a purgatory’ strongly regretted his doctor’s reluctance to admit him to a psychiatric ward:

Many psychiatrists, who simply don’t seem to be able to comprehend the nature and depth of the anguish their patients are undergoing, maintain their stubborn allegiance to pharmaceuticals in the belief that eventually the pills will kick in, the patient will respond, and the somber surroundings of the hospital will be avoided.

From Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison
I’ve found a lot of quotes/passages in this book that I’ve wanted to blog about but I thought I would post this since it is on topic with my most recent posts. I can’t afford a hospital stay. How low can one go? Personal, economic and professional difficulties??? Uh….But if I could get a guarantee of normality by going to a hospital, I’d do it in a second. I know through just my life experiences that guarantees are a joke. Nothing is really guaranteed. I do find it disturbing that Styron doesn’t think doctors know the depth of their patients pain. WHAT? Isn’t that what they deal with all day? Hmmm. I know when I’m feeling suicidal (or anything), I’m not good at articulating it. I can write about it. But if you ask me, I’m “fine”.

And most people know that if you talk too much about suicide, that is a guaranteed hospital stay. I’ve lied to counselors and doctors about wanting to kill myself. I didn’t want to be hospitalized.

I have the utmost respect for people living with schizophrenia and manic depression. I don’t know if I could survive that. To get up every day – especially for the people who are extremely aware – and just getting through the day…I cannot imagine that. Fight on! You are strong.

(Perhaps the above paragraph is worded incorrectly but I’m out of it and hope what I mean comes across).

Perhaps I shouldn’t be reading this book now. Kay Redfield Jamison’s other book: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness literally changed my life. I can’t say that about many books. I made a semi major decision based on her book. I don’t want to divulge what decision that was at this time.
My computer “broke” yesterday. I was my own geek squad and manage to fix it myself!! I’m so thankful for that. *Whew* Crisis averted. Microsoft = 😦 One day I may get a Mac desktop but I’m not an apple fan due to my iPod experience. I returned that thing within a week of getting it. But maybe if I got a Mac and a iPod, I could be living happily in Apple world. Maybe I should find out exactly what a iPad does. But if I can’t do dial up with it, then it is pointless. LOL.

What I did on Black Friday:


It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I know people would be like “You should be happy to be able to make extra money” blah blah. But money has never motivated me. Even if I was normal, I would not be making anywhere near 6 figures because my goals are not aligned with money. Anyhow, I’m glad I worked. I somehow managed to get a lot of sleep on Thanksgiving. I did not eat turkey, btw. I don’t get the turkey thing at all. Why do people eat it only 1 day a year if it sooooo good? That doesn’t make sense to me but then again most stuff doesn’t.

Stop the tangent.

Yes, I’m talking to myself. I manage to not buy anything but I’m thinking of getting some gloves from Amazon. They are on sale, a nice brand, lined etc. I do need gloves.

Who cares? I’m working tomorrow too but not for 6 long hours. heh. I’m paying my tuition on Tuesday after work. Some with cash and some with a (temporary) 0% interest check. That is why I’m doing OT. All of my money is going to the tuition and books.

No matter how much sleep I get I’m always so tired.