Before you tear it apart

Happy Asexual Awareness Week! (Yes, I made the following graphic…lol)

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I’ve been sick forever with these allergies. But today was really bad, and I don’t get it. I’m using the $149 air purifier. I took allergy medicine this morning. It definitely affected my work production today. I don’t need help with anything making me slow. Right now, I can barely breathe. Whatever. I might come back to this later.

I’m going to link to my tarot website. It is about 80% done. It had a makeover. I might leave this link up for 10 hours or 10 days. It definitely won’t be forever. The most will probably be 2 weeks. HERE IS THE LINK. 🙂 All readers of this blog can use the code SWT65 to receive 65% off any reading. No limits and you don’t have to join my monthly newsletter to get that code.

I think I’m moving on November 10. No, nothing is really prepared. Sigh. This is probably my most stressful move. I’ve moved a lot since I graduated college. None of the moves were really stressful. It sucks because I can’t pack because I’m not feeling well.

Here are my most recent blood pressure readings:

  • 157/92 October 20  1:30 PM (!!!!!!!)
  • 142/93 October 20  1:35 PM
  • 140/95 October 21 1:45 pm
  • 146/97 October 21  6:30 pm
  • 142/97 October 21 6:34 pm
  • 136/86 October 23  5PM 
  • 146/77 October 24  8pm 
  • 129/79 October 24  8:30 pm (after meditation)
  • 132/80 October 25 6:10 pm

As you can see, my readings have been higher since I last posted. The only low reading was after a short meditation. I was listening to Sarah Jenks talk about the full moon in Taurus, and she led a 4-5 minute meditation, and I stopped what I was doing and did it. Then I decided to take my BP again, and it was lower! That’s great, but not necessarily real. I could meditate every morning, and by the afternoon, I’m pretty sure my BP would not be lower. But I will test that theory.  I did meditate this morning. Kind of. My dog is messing up my meditation time. He used to let me have my morning time. ARGH!! Anyway, my BP this evening was 132/80.

I’m so glad someone won that damn lottery. Andrew S. (a radio personality) once said: “The lottery is a tax on the stupid and the poor.” I don’t like calling people stupid. But it is a tax on the poor. I know so many poor people who can barely afford to pay their bills, but they will play the lottery. They play every day, so occasionally they win. The people I know win 3 to 4 times a year, but they don’t make all the money back. So they are either getting even or losing money.

It boggles my mind that people actually believe they are going to win. I wish I were that um, naive? I’m much more pragmatic. I’m not saying I’ve never played the lottery. I’ve bought scratch-offs. I’ve probably put about $28 over my lifetime in the lottery. I played once online, and $20 was the minimum amount to play, so that’s why that number is kind of high.

I can’t breathe. *Whine* I need to work on my website, so I’m going to end this soon. UPDATE: I couldn’t breathe last night so I finally decided to try the diffuser again. I had it on all night. I put peppermint and eucalyptus in it. It worked. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep without it. I have it on now. AMEN! Essential oils work for colds and allergies. Thank the universe!

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Jess Glynne, Ariana Grande, Jason Mraz, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Matt Nathanson, Joan Osborne, Miranda Lambert, Britney Spears

TV of the week:  Nashville, The Sinner, basketball

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: Dirty John,  All In With Chris Hayes, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Bear Brook, Mentally Chill, The Lowe Post

Books of the week: 

Plans for the Weekend: Packing and maybe working overtime at my day job. I hope I feel better so I can get stuff done. I also need to feel better so I can record 8 more YouTube videos for my tarot biz. I was off on Tuesday, and I didn’t record anything due to OTHER PEOPLE TAKING OVER MY TIME (meant to yell), but even if I were home, I couldn’t have recorded because I couldn’t fucking breathe.

Anyway…thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

 

Not having a meltdown

I’ve been taking my blood pressure on two monitors. I had an older one and I recently ordered a new one because it had better ratings. Both of them say the same thing, so both of these are decent monitors: Fanry Blood Pressure Monitor and the HoMedics Blood Pressure Monitor.

Here are my BP readings for the last couple of days:

  • 147/84 – October 13 HoMedics 11 am
  • 127/91 – October 14  HoMedics 7 am
  • 126/80  – October 14  Fanry 5:45 pm
  • 127/84  – October 14 HoMedics 5:50 pm
  • 125/72 – October 15  Fanry 6:40 PM

So I think my blood pressure is fine. I only had one high reading and that was the first time I used the HoMedics one in about 2 years. My dog was bothering me. My mom was here. etc. Since the two monitors pretty much match, I’m not going to keep doing it twice. I think what happened at the screening is that I was REALLY stressed. I was anxious.

I will probably keep monitoring it, but I’m not worried at all. I went to the doctor in September and it was 130/80.

I wish I could say my allergies were doing okay. It was so bad on Saturday night, I couldn’t breathe so I had to go to my mom’s house to sleep! I would have gone to a hotel if I had money and didn’t have a dog. I like hotels (most of the time). Yes, I’m still using the air purifier and it is helping a little, but not enough.

I’m worried about how much my electricity will cost by having the machine at full speed. Ugh. This sucks. I’m so glad I’m moving soon because I can’t keep living like this. AND the cold air from the purifier is “forcing” me to use my little heater to keep warm, so yes, the electric bill will be higher. 😦

I did my goals/priorities for the rest of the year (and beyond really). Guess what? Tarot didn’t show up in the top 5! That was shocking to me. My top 5 priorities are:

  1. Work (day job only)
  2. Health
  3. Finances
  4. Spirituality
  5. Hobbies

I might break this down more in my next entry. I had my dog on the list, but that is obvious right? Of course, my dog is a priority. I don’t feel I have to list him, but I guess I could remove hobbies and put my dog on the list.

It’s getting late. I’m going to get in the bed and focus on one of my hobbies for a while: reading! See ya later. 🙂

Don’t think

Why is Entourage in syndication? And why did I have to find it? I’ve spent the past two Saturdays vegging out at 8PM and watching the Entourage marathon on VH1. They leave the word “shit” in after a certain time. Anyhow, I’ve been missing college football and SNL over Entourage repeats. Missing football is inexcusable. And Anne Hathaway (love her) was on SNL last night*. I missed 90% of it because I couldn’t take my eyes off Entourage. I used to think the show was overrated but good. 30 Rock is better and wittier…but now I find myself laughing hysterically at Jeremy Piven’s (Ari Gold) character. And Kevin Connolly (E) is the best actor on the show. He has the perfect reactions. IMO, he is the heart of the show. Compared to the other 3 in the ‘entourage’ he should win an Oscar. No offense meant. 🙂 I think he will be nominated one day.

*No I don’t have one of those fancy DVR/Tivo thingies.

Why am I talking about TV when my blood pressure is 135 (over something) NOT 130 like I previously posted. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Who cares? I want to die right? Is it the job or is the general/social anxiety catching up with me? My BP in June was normal so maybe it is nothing. I don’t know

I’m also considering checking myself into an inpatient behavioral health facility. It would do wonders for this blog. I haven’t checked my stats in months because it was depressing but I bet I would get hits then. I know someone at work is reading (Hi!). Checking into a psych ward is easier than making friends, dating, maintaining my own business etc. Easy is the wrong word. However, I sorta know the steps. I can’t do it now. I’m supposed to start school in January. So let’s say I really want to do this, I would do it in the fall of 2011.

Woah, let me back up. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? Because what if this is really a chance to be normal? What if I could possibly have a regular life??? I don’t want to believe this is possible. I don’t even know what I’d do…besides have a really good time visiting Mexico. (Yes Mexico would have to be delayed).

The bad thing is missing work and paying for it. If I do it I have to do it while I have health insurance. Inpatient would be $1800 max for one stay. I don’t think there is a limit. If someone needed 120 days for a serious physical/mental illness, it would still be $1800. That is with insurance and not including taxes, btw. I have no idea how the outpatient thing works. I know it has to be 6 hours a day. That would work better for me but would it cost more? And could I still work a few hours a day and get short term disability?

I know these answers aren’t hard to find but I dunno…If I have a chance at a normal life, I think I should go for it. But the cost is high. I’m not just talking about money. There will also be pressure. I would tell as few people as possible. But what if it doesn’t work? What if my insurance company only gives me X number of days/hours? What if I lose my job after the stay? (Yes I know that is illegal but I’m not that naïve). I find it bothersome that EVERY person at my job that has ever taken short term leave, has NOT come back. These are only people I know about…oh wait, one woman with cancer did come back to work. But the people with the hush-hush illnesses just disappeared.

I’m writing about this in my paper journal also. These are just initial thoughts. I may never do it. Or maybe I will see if going to my counselor more frequently will help? My SA is too severe for just meds and talking to a psychologist but what if there is something I’m missing?

The thought of being normal is so overwhelming. And I hate to say my cat is also a factor but she is. My cat doesn’t even like me. LOL. She doesn’t like other cats either so I don’t take it too personally. Sometimes she is sweet. I think she is bitter about being dropped off at the animal shelter when she was 2 years old. She stayed there for over 4 months. Then I adopted her. I’ve been bitten and scratched a few times. She is so much like me. Well I don’t bite humans because I’m scared of them but I totally would if I could. (?)

Oh the cat issue is that I cannot take her to the vet or ANYWHERE. She will not allow anyone to pick her up. So if I were to do inpatient care, I have no idea what I’d do with her. The only option I know is trapping her. But since I can’t get her to the vet, she won’t have her rabies shot. (She is an indoor cat). Isn’t that illegal? FUCK.

Main issues:

1. cost ($)/making less money
2. missing work
3. cat
4. do I have to tell my mom? (If inpatient – YES – there would be no way around that one)
5. if it doesn’t work, I wasted money and could have gone to Mexico instead