When I was living in an apartment, I used to sleep in my car at night to escape the noise. When I wasn’t in my car, I was too afraid to move in my apartment. I would just sit still. I still do that today sometimes. Due to the noise, I brought a house in one week. I didn’t dream of having a house. I wanted to like living in apartments. But the noise was too much.  Years before I brought the house, the noise drove me to a motel room with a knife. I wrote a short suicide note and I was going to kill myself. I was too much of a coward so I’m still here.

Noise anxiety has ruined my life. If anyone wants to see how it manifests: here it is. It can take over your life.

I thought I had paid enough for buying a house in a week. I paid my dues. Or maybe not. Now I may be “short selling” my house. I have great credit. What will that do to it? I don’t have much. Good credit was something I had. Even if it doesn’t mess up my credit, will I be able to buy a house anytime soon? I’m paying big time just because I got sick of being paralyzed and sleeping in my car.

Now what? I would love to be able to live in an apartment. But since I work at home, that is so fucking scary. I’m stuck there for 8+ hours a day. I can’t runaway from the noise. I could lose my job easily that way. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to rent a house.

I’m screwed. Stuck. All due to……???

I may not be able to short sell. That could be a good thing because then I won’t have to worry about the not being able to buy a house/credit thing. But I would be out of a LOT of money. I may not be able to finish school in the fall. Registration starts soon. I need to know.

With all this being said, I didn’t know selling a house was so expensive, I will be spending the next 2-3 days packing up everything in my house. I won’t be moving it yet though.

Update: A short sell will remain on my credit for 7 years HOWEVER, since I’m not behind on my mortgage payments I could still purchase a house if I had the down payment, income requirements etc. {source}. Right now I don’t have the down payment so heh. :/

Another Update: I think I’m going to just take a HUGE financial hit instead of doing a short sale. As in, no $$ left after the regular sale and max out my credit cards. What a price to pay.

Update #3 – Nah, I’m going to try to get approved for the short sale. I could get denied and then I’ll have to take the hit.


On to happier topics: My kids. Now I get why people post pics of their kids and stuff. LOL. I brought another betta fish. I feel guilty. Was it selfish? Was it the right thing to do or was I was so desperate for a fish? This is why I could never have kids. If buying a fish makes me question everything, I could never get through the adoption process. Anyhow, I brought Storm. He is gorgeous. He is a half moon betta which basically means he has this beautiful tail.

Unlike my last betta, this fish eats so I think he’ll live. I’m surprised my other fish lasted 3 weeks without eating anything. Here is a pic of Storm:


I put way too many rocks in the aquarium. I brought a 10lb bag of rocks and went a little nuts. The rocks make it harder to clean and it means less water for the fish. What was I thinking? He likes to hide in his fish cave. I have a few live plants in there but the big one is fake.

Guess what? I also have video of Storm!

I moved my frogs into a 2.5 gallon tank. This time they didn’t almost drown. I won’t feel good about the move until they have been in there for 24 hours. You won’t believe this but I also have video of my two frogs: M & M.

All the green plants are real plants. I think they like this new home. 🙂

Love on the Rocks

Since I’ve posted my last entry, I’ve thought of hundreds of reasons why I shouldn’t ever consider adopting. I know this blog is full of my rants (because that is when I’m most motivated to post) but I like my life this way. Or should I say I prefer my life this way. (?)


Meet the newest member of my family: SKY


Sky is a male betta fish. That is the container he came home in.

This is his new home. It is a 2.5 gallon aquarium. It came with nothing. No rocks. Nothing but a filter. So I had to buy rocks, plants and ‘toys’.

Sky’s new home

The blue plant is fake obviously. The other plant is a real aqua plant (floating on top). I’m going to buy more aquatic plants the next time I go to the pet store. I think most bettas would want more hiding places.

Sky in his new home:

Happy Sky?

I also have video of Sky!! 😉

He definitely needs more of something. I need to get him a cave to hide in. The plants are more for me 🙂 but Bettas love to hide and swim through plants also. I really wanted to put my aquatic frogs in there too but I chickened out. They are doing fine where they are now so why even risk it? Bettas get along fine with african dwarf frogs.

I grew up with fish (and snails, a guinea pig & ants). I can’t believe how much I’ve forgotten. I feel like I’m starting over again. I hope I can keep Sky and M & M alive. I don’t have room for any more fish. I want to get silver dollar fish once I move into a house. I’ve been reading about them and they seem perfect for me plus I love the way they look.

I want two of those in a 5 or 10 gallon aquarium. Yes, I’m a fish geek. I don’t like cleaning out their tanks though. (does anyone???). I currently have 1 fish, 2 frogs, and 1 fifteen year old dog. I’m done…for now. I’m geekily happy about going to the pet store after yoga on Thursday. I’m going to buy all my water buddies brine shrimp (a treat). And I’m going to buy another aquatic plant.

I will be a nervous wreck when I have to clean the aquarium. It brings back childhood memories of when my fish would die after a water change. 😦 😦