hope’s outpost

Project life post coming soon. I picked up my pics today. I hate when some don’t come out well. 😦 I always print just enough pics for a layout. In the meantime…

beachPic from my April trip to the beach.

The computer repair people have had my computer for a week. No phone call updates. They are going to be in a for shock tomorrow when I just show up during my lunch break. Fireworks!

Tomorrow I’m going to make myself go to a Y I’ve never been to. I really want to lose 5-7 lbs. Today was a major fail. I had a cheap red velvet cupcake. :/

Gamble all i got, no plan B

I don’t know where to begin. I’ll start here: I broke my laptop. I was already having the cooling fan problems. Then I dropped it on the ground. I’m probably taking it to the shop tomorrow.

I can’t do a long entry on this thing so..

  • I’m currently at the beach. Loving the beach & the weather. Rockin’ the maxi dress. 🙂
  • I don’t have the house! I thought I did. How naive. Just because I paid my deposit doesn’t mean I have it for sure. I get to see the house Saturday morning. I hope I get to know something definite on Saturday. I’m ready to sign.
  • this thing is so hard to do an entry on. Argh!
  • wow I got my first child free attack. I have to blog about this later. Apparently I don’t have a life cause I don’t have kids. Lol. she should see what I have to deal with. She already knows that at minimum I have social anxiety so that makes her comments foolish.

i can’t type on this thing anymore. I hope I get the house…if I don’t already have it. And I hope I can get my laptop fixed.

pink champagne

Good news! I got my pics. Project Life entry coming up next.



Oh well. The beach trip was fun. The best part was the pool!!!!! I was so in love with the hotel’s pool. I wanna go back. It was heated to 87 degrees…unlike the Y. They lie about their water temperature.  I wish there was a pool where I live. I would be there as soon as it opened. I love being in the water. LOVE IT…but I still don’t have a strong desire to learn how to swim. I’ll stick to “water aerobics”.

great pool
great pool

That was the first time I was ever in a pool by myself. 🙂 🙂 So peaceful. I mostly jogged back and forth in 4 1/2 feet of water. I can’t run well without the water. It is a long story. It has to do with my feet issues and probably my scoliosis. To be able to get a run in everyday would be great but I need to find a Y where that would be possible. I guess I could get up at 5AM ….I would just feel so awkward because there’s a lifeguard there. I would have to get over that first.

I did make one friend at the beach:

Random beach pic:


letting my past go past


When I said I was making a mix CD for a road trip, I had no idea it would occur so soon! Unbelievable. I’m here at the beach and not even concerned about the beach. That’s because it is about 50 degrees. That’s cold to me.  Uh, no I’m not off work! This is very much a working “vacation”. I am working more here than I could would at home. I’m trying to catch up.

(That picture was taken from the balcony.)

It was silly to come to the beach. I realize that now. But when I booked the hotel I was thinking, “Why pay that much for a local hotel when I can go to my second favorite hotel at the beach for a lower price”? This is semi-off season. Still it was very impulsive and dumb! Go ahead and laugh. I give you permission. 🙂

Yes I ran away. I felt like jumping out of my skin. I couldn’t take another second of him being there all day while I attempted to concentrate. All I could think of was getting out of my skin. So I went to the library for 2 hours. I got a lot of work done but I also booked the hotel. I thought about suicide again. How much should a person fight? When do you give up?

I asked for clarity on this trip even though I knew my main goal was going to be work. Then I listened to the song that give me brief clarity on my past birthday. “Living in the Moment” by Jason Mraz. Cue the cheesy music. Laugh at me again. 😉 I randomly put that song on my mix CD Saturday night because it came up on shuffle. As I was driving to the beach, Living In the Moment came on. I listened to it on repeat a few times. I swear I hope this song helps me again.

I’m going to print the lyrics out and put it in my office (the dining room) and hope for the best. At this point I don’t know what else to do. Jason Mraz summed up every self help book and psychobabble in one song. Buddha bless him. It is definitely easier said than done.

Living in the Moment by Jason Mraz

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free
I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about some things
That will not happen to me
So I just let go of what I know I don’t know
And I know I’ll only do this by
Living in the moment
Living our life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
Living in the moment
I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done
I let my past go past
And now I’m having more fun
I’m letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyoneA
nd if I fall asleep
I know you’ll be the one who’ll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I can’t walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I’d been searching for
But I spun around and searched no more
By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home

I’m at the beach until 11AM on Friday. Tomorrow (Thursday) I hope I get a chance to get in the pool if I can get there first. Then I’m working like a madman. For lunch I’m walking 10 blocks to my favorite breakfast place on the beach. Then back to work. If I’m not too tired, that is when I will walk on the beach and then more work! I will be caffeinated. I don’t have time to be sleepy tomorrow. Lots to do.

More pics from the beach later. Oh yeah, I guess no beach for my birthday! ha. I will probably go to my mom’s instead. I would go camping but I don’t know how to make a tent. Plus I don’t have a tent.

None the wiser

Today is the first day of summer school and I haven’t checked the syllabus yet. I hope it isn’t scary. Scary can be just a mid-term & final to determine the grade. Or grading heavily based on participation. Or group work (oh god). Or essay tests only. Or too many true & false questions. Why am I scaring myself?

I just wanted to blog to say: I WON! I won THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS by Danielle LaPorte! Click the link to read about the book. I can’t wait to get it. I rarely enter giveaways because I never know about them in time but I saw a link on Twitter and decided to enter. I thought I had no chance. YAY! 🙂 Thank you.

I did it again. But this is the last time I swear (unless it goes well). I signed up for 10 yoga classes. It was only $50. That is a bargain. The only yoga class I really hated and didn’t follow through on was the class where the instructor made people stand in a rectangle. Chances of that happening again is slim. So I’m looking forward to it. I wonder how many people will be there. It is a little different because it is at my workplace. I’m not really worried about knowing someone there because we have a huge workplace and while I may recognize a face but I doubt I actually know someone.

Yes knowing someone = bad. LOL.
My beach vacation was awesome. 4 nights at the beach. What wasn’t great was that I was sick for 3 days after I got back. But I’m feeling better now. I had a lot of time to think. It was just me, the beach, and Jason Mraz (his music, not him).

I let one thing I was clutching onto go. If I wasn’t at the beach, I probably would have cried or been depressed about it but I was at peace. I made the decision while staring at the ocean one night. I must have stood in the same spot for about 20 minutes. The cold water on my feet. And I just thought. The ocean gives me clarity.

It was so fun mixing my own drinks! Too bad the drinks are filled with calories. I think I have a new hobby. 🙂 A hobby I will only practice once a week at the most. I don’t have any rum left…only vodka so I can’t make much now without going to the liquor store. hehehe. Me. Going into a liquor store?? LOL. I never would have thought. You have to try the Bikini Martini. It is so good.

I also wrote and read a lot. I’m going to post some of my favorite quotes and a review of one book soon.

Oh, I had the chance to see “Girls“. I can see why people hate the show but I think if I had seen the season opener, I probably would have liked it more. One question: Do people really have this much sex? I guess people asked the same thing about Sex & the City. Anyhow, it wasn’t great but it was watchable. I need to see the premiere before I judge. What intrigued me is that the “girls” weren’t movie star attractive. (No offense). But the writing has to be there too, obviously. I haven’t read anything on it recently but I’m guessing this series won’t last long. I watched Veep too but while I got it (I think), I didn’t really like it. I’ve seen stuff like that before. I’m over it. There is better stuff on network TV (30 Rock, Parks & Rec).

M & M – my dwarf african frogs are doing great. I really think they should have a bigger home but a.) I don’t have room and b.) I’m scared to move them from one home to another. “A” isn’t a big deal. I can give them more space but they won’t be in the same room I’m in. “B” is a huge deal. I can’t find any info on how to move the frogs. I know how to clean fish tanks and move fish. But frogs hop! So um, I’m scared.

African Dwarf frogs are shy. 😉 They need and want places to hide. All they have is one plant. It isn’t a good hiding spot. I want to give them that…after all I get it but they need a bigger home. If they are so shy, why do people recommend they get two? Sometimes M & M get into fights. I can’t help but think they are frustrated by being in such a small place. One of them seems less shy than the other. I’m guessing that the female is the less shy one. She seems to seek out the other frog.

Sharing a small place with no place to hide does not sound fun. I’ve been there. I’ve got to come up with something.

This was supposed to be a short entry. Oh well.

easy and breezy

I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done. I let my past go past. And now I’m having more fun.

I had an epiphany while staring at the beach Wednesday night. I was all alone. And I got it. Sometimes it sucks saying bye but it is the right thing to do. But this entry isn’t about that. This post is about pics and videos of my beach vacation.

Thursday morning beach vid:

so good!

This is the first Bikini Martini I made. Sweet, fruity and awesome! I had 3 throughout the week.

Hotel #1. I had a better experience at this hotel this year than last year. Everything was pretty good (besides the nonworking TV remote haha). Oh, and I was on the very top floor. Floor 8. Score! 😉

Hotel #2 – 3 nights

My only complaint was the lukewarm water in the shower. Not a problem last year so…



my new African Dwarf Frogs!

They are known as M & M. Buying african dwarf frogs from the beach store probably wasn’t the smartest idea. But hey, they are doing great. M & M are very active. I have a lot to learn about them. I brought them some food from the pet store and they gobbled it up. I hope I didn’t overfeed. Like I said: lots to learn about my new buddies. 🙂

Another video. Play spot the bird!

from the balcony

I may post more pics but I think that is all.


With peace in my mind. I got peace in my heart. Got peace in my soul. Wherever I’m going, I’m already home. I’m living in the moment

when I’m alone

The beach trip was great and relaxing. I’m not feeling extra “chatty” because I found out a family member just died but I want to post the pics.

I didn’t expect too much from the trip considering how sick I was before I left. However, I did new things and the suite was great. They call them apartments and yes they are! One new thing was just eating at an authentic Greek restaurant. I ate every bite. The other new thing was randomly going to a concert. It was so cool. I don’t do things like that. I plan stuff. But I heard this cover band as we were walking back to the hotel: Motor Psychic and they uh, rocked. So I went out to the “field” and listened to the remainder of the concert. They played Zeppelin, Hendrix etc. They refused to play “free bird” (<—one of my favorite songs of all time) despite people begging for it. That must get tired.

Okay, here are some pics:

3d art

I was way too excited to see those mannequins. 🙂 I love taking pics of fashion. Love it. I’m glad maxi dresses are “in” because I love wearing them to the beach and to work. The dresses being “in” make them easier to find, it isn’t about other people’s opinion.


I loved the curtains!

view from balcony

I have tons of pics of the ocean. But it gets a little repetitive. I didn’t take as many pics as usual so this is all I have. Oh yeah, I found my iPod. Silly things, silly me.

what a way to start

….a vacation.

I’m sick. I guess. (TMI ALERT). I can’t eat or drink much of anything which is okay. I’ve had an upset stomach since Saturday. I went to Walgreens and was feeling dizzy and seeing black or things were getting fuzzy. And oh yeah, I have my period. uh. fuck. yeah.

I’m still leaving for the beach today. Be back on Friday. If I feel sick, I will probably be on the computer posting pics in this blog, while in the hotel. 🙂 As long as I don’t eat, I should be okay and I don’t have much of an appetite so I don’t feel like that will be an issue. I will be fine sitting on the balcony looking at the beach if I have to. I just wanted to walk the boardwalk A LOT and walk/sit on the beach.

I should be gone by now but I felt like crap this morning. I’m waiting on my laundry to dry.

I will have a great time. repeat 5X.

Lay Me Down

(I typed this entry earlier this morning. I’m posting it after being net free all day. I didn’t get much done for being net free. Sigh.)
I had to go to the library during my “off” weekend to get books for the beach. Yes I have books at home I haven’t touched. And I am in the middle of reading two books but that makes no difference. I have to get books for this special occasion. I checked out 4 books. One on American slavery because everyone knows that is a great beach book topic. And the other 3 are on TRAVELING. Yes, my favorite type of books: travel guides. One isn’t a guide but it is better. It is about women traveling alone. (A Journey of One’s Own, Uncommon Advice for the Independent Woman Traveler) Ah, yes!

Of course I got the 2011 edition of Fodor’s Mexico and I also got a 2010 edition of the Caribbean. I don’t have much of a desire to go there before Mexico but I need options. What if there is a great deal on a Caribbean vacation say for March/April 2012? Yeah, you read that date right. I’m tired of always waiting so it will be Mexico or someplace next year. I feel like I have to get out of the country. But if I can’t, San Francisco or Austin will do. If it isn’t Mexico, it has to cost significantly less. I’m convinced that I can go to Mexico with $2000.

If I’m at my current job, I can only go for a week. So wherever I’m going in early Spring will be quick. I know most people wouldn’t want to even try to go to Mexico for 3-4 nights, but I’m up for it. I’m not trying to travel the entire country. I know exactly where I want to go. I’m picking a spot and visiting a few places there. It will be sort of like going to New York. I know people who go to New York City for one night and I think that’s nuts. 😉 I need an extra night there to recover and take it all in. Everybody’s different.

School is one of the issues I’m concerned about. Well concerned is the wrong word. I’d rather go to Mexico or even Ocean City, Maryland* before I take a bunch of classes….or even one class. I kind of want a break after this past Spring. School or Mexico? Hmmmmmmmm. I have to think about that one long and hard.

*Nothing against Ocean City. It’s just that I live near there so that is no Austin, TX or San Francisco. However, I haven’t been to Maryland in over a decade. (sad but true) I’ve been through there and very, very close several times while in DC.

Abilify update:

With Abilify I can feel my depression or my um, I don’t know what it is. It is this all-encompassing feeling of either: I don’t want to do anything or I don’t know what to do. There is also the people issue. I have to constantly remind myself certain things. One day I will blog about it.

I don’t know. Abilify is great if you have a hard time getting out of bed….if you sleep away your weekends…and weekday afternoons. It is great but other feelings come to surface. I’ll blog about that later too. As of right now, I can’t imagine my life without it. I had no energy. I was sleeping my life away.

Oh well, I’m going to try not to delve into my “beach books” too much. I leave on Tuesday and this is my first EVER 3 night/4 days vacation. It almost feels real. And hey, I am going to the 30th best beach in the whole world according to Trip Advisor. I think it is #4 or #5 in the United States. From everything I’ve heard about the other beaches it should be at least #2. I love this beach. I really do. I feel blessed to have found it.