here’s to never growing up

toby and ezra
toby and ezra

My guinea pigs are so spoiled. Well not compared to the guinea pigs on youtube. They have bigger cages and more toys. That’s why I don’t allow my pigs to watch youtube. Anyway, I’m happy to find out the local pet store is cheaper than Wal-Mart and Petsmart. I had to go there on Tuesday because I ran out of hay. What a pleasant surprise. I wanted to buy everything! Self control…

The guinea pigs are doing well. I can tell their whistles apart. They are sweet and I love them. Awww. /end softness

No chest pains since my last entry. YAY. I thought the pain was back for good. Going wheat free and NFL free at the same time was not a good idea. Why won’t other people stop watching their favorite sport despite steroids, injuries or whatever? Because it is a part of our identity. We identify as a Ravens fan or a football fan. How do you give up a part of yourself? My therapist would not think me giving up football is a good idea. She doesn’t know yet because I don’t see her often. More about this later.

As far as going wheat free, it is so much easier when you live alone and you aren’t going out to eat. But on Saturday I’m running errands with my mom. Hopefully she won’t want to stop to eat because I can’t each much of anything at her favorite places.


I finally put my foot down: No more selling Avon! Thank Buddha. Well I am still selling until the end of September. I cannot wait to call and tell them to shove it! If they ask why I’m quitting I’ll just say because of the new-ish minimum order rule. (It’s been there for over a year) But what I really want to say is because of their horrible service. I have been charged the wrong price for things so many times (always more). They don’t send free gifts when they are supposed to. Items are on back order way too often. etc. etc.

I’m so done. Plus I’m not meant to be an Avon rep.  If my customers understood that I am losing money every month and not making any, maybe they would act differently. They aren’t horrible but considering I’m doing it for free…ARGH! So done. Over it. I have wanted to quit for a while but I didn’t really want to let them down. Then one customer changed her mind about something she ordered and that was it! 😉 ha.


Music for the week: Jessica Mauboy, Janelle Monáe,  John Mayer,  John Legend, Tara MacLean, Jaheim, Ariana Grande, Jillette Johnson, The Civil Wars, Phillip Phillips, Keith Urban, Sheryl Crow

I forgot that so much new music comes out this time of year. I love it! 🙂

TV for the week: Grey’s Anatomy (I’m Christina minus the marriage part and the career ambition), Big Brother 15 , US Open

Movie of the week:  none

Books of the weekBully: A True Story Of High School Revenge by Jim Schutze,  Five Days at Memorial Life and Death in a Storm-Ravaged Hospital by Sheri Fink

Goals for next week: I’m off for three days next week! Halleluiah! I will spend one of those days working off the clock. Well I hope it isn’t ALL day. I need to clean up, mow the lawn, put my closet rack together and other boring things. I would love to go to the gym on a weekday morning. I’ve had a $10 Macy’s gift card since December. Maybe I will use that. Macy’s is my favorite store but I rarely go because it is not the cheapest place to shop and I don’t need anything there. I can always go somewhere cheaper (Ross) to get stuff I may need/want. I could use towels and/or kitchen stuff.

I just meant to post “weekly” but I have a lot of things I want to blog about. Until next time. Thanks for reading!

Anywhere I Lay My Head

Just because I work at home doesn’t mean…….

  • all my problems disappear
  • I don’t get PMS
  • work doesn’t stress me out
  • work is easy/fun
  • I want to “go” to work each day
  • I’ll be joyful (haha)

Etc. I think one person in particular doesn’t get it. She has a hard time getting things she doesn’t relate to. Her job is different. She has next to zero accountability. I would love a job like that since my job is the exact opposite. Sometimes I feel like I’m a doctor, because every mistake could blow up in my face. We have to be accountable for every. single. thing.

That causes STRESS. Working at home does not cure that. This morning was a total stress fest but by afternoon things calmed down a bit. I was productive today but I wanted to scream. It was just one of those days. It starts out well and then all shit hits the fan.

And then Avon….OMG. I have to erase my phone # off of everything. I don’t have time for this. I feel bad because someone ordered and I can’t get in contact with her. She wrote her email address sloppily. Even though I HATE calling people, I called her to get her email address. Guess what? It still didn’t go through. FUCK. I don’t care.

I’m done with new potential customers. This is my fault. I guess I really do need to take down almost everything (one thing I can’t take down) related to me and Avon. If people would email me, there would not be as much of a problem. But of course they call even though they have my email address. Sigh. Normal people. 😉 EMAIL. EMAIL. EMAIL.

Yes I’m stressed out over all this. Now someone who is related to one of my customers isn’t getting her order. Ugh, how am I going to get out of this?

Right now I don’t care much about Toastmasters. You know asking me to do public speaking is like asking me to do job interviews. That may be a bad analogy. My point is, it is easy for me to do scary FUN stuff. But public speaking? I have no interest in it. It sounds like torture. Torture myself during my free time???

Just because I went to yoga classes doesn’t mean it was easy for me, it was something I wanted to do at that time. Of all people, I would think a counselor would understand this. Fun scary things are easier to do then something I have zero interest in.

Should I have to explain that? See, this is my problem. I have no patience for what I think people ought to know.

Need to get ready for bed.

Another world

Since I received my Kindle something strange has happened. I’m reading again! Well I never really stopped but I have read THREE books in 2012….so far.  I haven’t read that much since high school. I love the comfort of being still and just holding the Kindle with one hand. So relaxing. Also it is easier to read anytime, anywhere. Love it. Love it. Love it.

The only thing I don’t like is the non-renewal of library books. Okay fine don’t let us renew but can we keep the book for 21 days instead of 14? The problem is with the “holds”. I already had a book checked out and then a popular book that I had a hold on became available last night so I had to grab it…or risk not getting it for a while. So now I have to read two books in 14 days. That doesn’t seem like a bad problem to have. But I really hate starting a book and not being able to finish. So I will be doing a lot of reading for the next two weeks.

When school starts back up (in Mid-May) I know I won’t read for enjoyment as much. I already have it planned out how I will use my Kindle as a study aid. I will type my notes (as I always do) and then place the notes on my kindle so I can study anywhere. So I better enjoying my  leisure reading now. It won’t last.

To reiterate – I love how I read like I’m a teenager again. You know how you feel a hobby isn’t what it used to be? That is how I felt with reading. I never stopped loving it but I would do other things (like surf the net) over reading.


AVON (All I have been doing is cleaning my house, working, reading and Avon). So I met with the woman I mentioned in my  last entry, OMG. She put the F in friendly.Needless to say that I didn’t match up to her. I’m sure I came off standoffish. SIGH.

I was tired from working all day and in shock when she asked me to sit down. I had no idea we were going to uh, TALK. I just thought I would hand her the brochure and leave. Well no. She was so excited. Don’t get me wrong, I loooooove seeing people passionate about something…even Avon. It makes me happy. But I was so  not prepared for her. 😉

I don’t know if she will order. She wanted one of  everything. So she may…Of course I may have turned off with my “shyness”. Then came the questions:

Are you married?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Do you go out? (to clubs, I guess)

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! no. no and no. Dear god, please don’t make me talk about that. I have no desire to do any of those things. I’m in love with music, sports (sometimes) and my Kindle. That is all I need.

She was watching Kim and  Koutney Take New York which gave her extra points in my book. 🙂 That reminds me that I am at  least two episodes behind. I need to catch the marathon at the right time.

If she orders, I will be shocked. She seems really interested in selling. I wouldn’t mind getting her set up with that.

I have two consistent customers. One spends about $200 a month on Avon. The other anywhere from $10 – $20 a month. I’m fine with that.

So this pretty much covers what I have been doing. Oh yeah, tonight I may cook chicken parmarsen again, using the same recipe. I do want to try different things but I really love how it came out so why not do it at least once more?

send the pain below

ARGH! Avon frenzy. FUCK. Okay, why don’t I just stop selling it? Because every time I plan to, someone calls or gives me a big order. I’m so unorganized. And I don’t care about Avon – LOL- as much as others do. So why am I selling it? Why am I doing anything in my life? Nothing is what I want. Things just fall into my lap and I just do it (or avoid it). Sigh.

Tomorrow I’m meeting this new woman. I’m giving her a few brochures. The problem is I told her AFTER noon. She thought I said “around noon“. So what do I do? Go at noon and be about 15 minutes late back to work from lunch or wait until I get off? ^$%^ I hate this. If I had her email, I would just email her but I’m not calling. I talked to her more than I’ve talked to anyone other than my mom on the phone today. SO…

Gotta decide that. I probably won’t decide it until I get to work. Then she wants me to leave some brochures at a popular high school! OMG. If these students order, I hope they email me. I. don’t. do. phones. well. ^&%# Am I in over my head or what?

Expletive. Expletive. I need to get organized and take Avon seriously. 🙂 I think this is just until Valentine’s Day so *whew*, not a long term thing.



The same thing that JNx did to me is happening to her son. And just like JNx did the person is lying about it. Karma or coincidence? I believe in karma, some people don’t. But I see it every single day. Some people have faith in God. I have faith in karma. I couldn’t believe it. Isn’t that weird? What she did to me is happening to her son………………… WOW. Interesting.

Does she put the two together? I bet the answer is NO. rofl. Gotta love people.


I’m slightly overwhelmed. I did do one whole hour of OT on Monday. Woohoo! Overtime will probably be done in February so I’m just doing a few hours. I wanted to stay today but I was sort of fed up with work (not the people).


I had sweets and high fructose corn syrup today. Not soda but close enough. Yum! 😉


I have to post some Kindle anecdote every time I blog. Someone got a Kindle for Christmas and only used it once and put it back in the box! That’s abuse. I was outraged when I heard this but what can I do? Is there a kindle abuse number? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mention what happened to my kindle. Don’t worry, it is still working. 😉 But I hit it on something and the screen is 100% fine but there is a scratch on the bottom part. It is too close to the screen. Trust me, I am worried. I can’t live without a kindle now. If it were to break, I would get a new one ASAP.

My kindle was a gift. I do not have the receipt. As far as I know it is in the trash. So I don’t know if I would get the discount that other people with Kindle problems have.

Typing that out breaks my heart. I love my kindle. I want him to be mine and safe forever (or for at least 3 years).

I did not intentionally abuse him! Please don’t report me.

What do YOU prefer?

I’m always asking people what they want. Sometimes I don’t have a preference. Other times I just want to people please. sigh. I’m used to the other person KNOWING what they want..and not having a problem stating it.

The point of this ramble is that I may have lost an Avon customer due to the above and my social ineptness. Did I stare/look at her the wrong way? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I make the wrong decision? Should I have smiled?

Will she give me another chance? Did I ruin something again? It’s not everyday that I get a $125 order. I kind of wanted another chance. LOL.

Who said, “All is well that ends well”? 😉 Whatever.

I’m watching the Ravens/Steelers game. I’m not mentally here. (the norm)

I think I’m in love with Gabourey Sidibe. It is not because I saw Tower Heist this weekend. Or that I loved the movie Precious. It is because I read something she said and had what Oprah would call a light bulb moment.

People always ask me, ‘You have so much confidence. Where did that come from?’ It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. I wear colors that I really like, I wear makeup that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps. It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see.

I’m not going to start wearing make up or anything. heh. But what she said really resonated with me because she really does carry herself that way. Her self confidence is not fake. Just watch one of her interviews and you will see it is 100% real. This women inspires me. I’ve never followed her before. I didn’t even know her age or anything about her life. I was just checking sports scores on Yahoo and her name was trending so I clicked on it. And now I’m obsessed.

Another quote I loved from the interview:

I hate yoga so much. Like, if yoga was a person, I’d stab them.

ROFL! I’m a yoga person but I totally get that statement. haha.

Goodnight And Go

I just got a $100 Avon order!!! When she confirmed it for the 3rd time, I jumped up and down. The semi-bad news is that the day before I wrote my Avon entry, they decided to stop referring customers to people like me. People like me are people who don’t have big orders and a lot of customers. Now they are only referring customers to people who average $400 worth of Avon a month. LOL. So that counts me out. I will not be receiving any more voicemails from people saying, “Can you be my Avon rep?”

I am excited about the order…not because I want to excel at Avon but it is my biggest order EVER. 🙂 🙂 Like WOW. hehe.
Ugh, change is happening at work. “People hate change”. I hear that so much. ugh. I just wish I had a warning. It is less overwhelming that way. My old boss knew to tell me about changes well in advance. Don’t just drop something on me, or I may freak out. The good news is that soon I may WILL be working at home. Some people will be going home in January. Since I’m relatively new, I may not get the chance until the end of 2012 or the beginning of 2013.

I’m slightly concerned because I have NO IDEA where I will be living. But worrying about that is pointless. I would have much more room, if I had my townhouse by then. I barely have enough room for an office at my mom’s house. I definitely don’t have a whole room. I have a tiny spot where a desk can fit in my bedroom.

I really have to get out more. I wanted to leave my house because I disliked being there. But my mom’s house is comfy and she has great internet.:) So there is less incentive to go out. Plus I’m in school. etc. This weekend I will go to my house and throw some stuff out. Then I have to deliver Avon. The next weekend, I want to make a commitment to go to an 8:00AM yoga class.

I worked overtime for two weeks in a row. I’m taking two weeks off. I’m going to make it count.

Speaking of getting out, a coworker asked me to go to a gospel concert on a SUNDAY. Hello???! Sunday = football. Actually Saturday does too but I have to get stuff done on one day so I’m willing to miss some college football games even though I love college football much more than the NFL. I like to stay in on Sundays because I have to ramp myself up for Monday. That has nothing to do with the football season.

I felt bad turning her down but between it being Sunday, football being on, and not really loving gospel music (it is okay) – it felt right to say no. I was being true to myself. I need to tell her one day that I’m not really open to the whole Christian thing. I so don’t want to go there. I’m open minded. I watch Christian TV shows. I read about Christianity but I’M NOT A BELIEVER in that.

How can she hear me if I’m not saying it? How do you say, “I don’t believe in Jesus”. Where I live, you don’t say that or think it. I don’t live in one of those cool places where anything goes.

when do I call my feelings on their bluff

Someone described having social anxiety as being frozen. And that is exactly what it is like for me. I try to breathe but I can’t. Well it depends on the situation. For example at work, the more talking there is, the easier it is for me to breathe. I don’t feel as paranoid. It is sort of like I feel invisible…or as part of the group. But when a few people are there (or it is eerily quiet), I have had to get up to take deep breaths. Of course I can’t always get up so I’m not breathing correctly. That’s where the tension comes in.

Someone on the internet said they have no idea how social anxiety looks and for me sometimes I can appear like I’m losing my mind or that I’m on drugs. (I have never tried drugs…I don’t even take my medicine every single day. Should I admit that?) I just wanted to say, “Give the person a break. She may not be doing coke or whatever. Having social anxiety makes you appear weird”. I’ve been there. When I take my beta blocker in the morning, the symptoms are less severe. Sometimes I THINK I appear normal. That does not last all day. And I don’t take what I should because I can’t tolerate being tired at work.

This isn’t supposed to be about medicine. Just reading posts from people who don’t have SA speak about it is interesting. At least It made me blog about something other than my cat. 😦

This Avon thing is turning into a disaster. Yes that is an exaggeration. Avon made this stupid rule (lol) that all orders must be at least $50 to earn a profit. No big deal. I’m not selling Avon for profit. If I am, I’m failing. Anyhow, another thing they did was charge about $6.00 shipping on every order. That is what I think turned people off. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal but all the little costs PLUS the no profit on every order turns people off.

So people are dropping from selling Avon like flies. And now I have people contacting ME. Yes me!! And I’m not even living in that area anymore. Oops.

I did ignore one call. Well she called twice. I responded to the second one. I went to her house and dropped off a brochure. No chatting, just a drop off and a “thanks”. Then a second women called. I delayed calling her back for a day but I did call back. And it was only because she is in a wheelchair*. She can get out but it is much easier for people to come to her. I left her a message. And she called me back but I’m scared to listen to her voicemail. :/

*I don’t mean to sound crass.

I may listen to it tonight…nah, if I want to sleep well I should probably listen tomorrow morning. I told her to leave me her address and a good time to drop the book off. She sorta knows what she wants. I just hope I can drop it off and leave rather than her ordering right on the spot. I’m not used to strangers ordering. I don’t have order forms or receipts anymore. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

As soon as the lady from work stops ordering, I am planning to stop with the Avon thing. But she has been ordering once a month and I’m the only rep she has. etc. etc.

I’m not really into it. And I’m losing money (especially with the new rules. I lose at least $12 a month – and that is without ordering brochures.). How dumb is all this? It is all on me but I wish they would stop giving out my info. It makes sense to stop selling. And that is what most people did but I’m still here. Now I feel like quitting because of all of these new people contacting me.

I’m going to try to not let my anxiety get the best of me and call people back. Sometimes I’m just busy (with school, taking my mom on business trips, yoga etc.) but other times I’m just scared. Plus I’m not motivated to sell Avon but maybe that can change. I’m not sure.