Don’t be shy girl, so they like you

(‘weekly’ & knitting at the bottom of this post)

I really get it now. Working only 40 hours a week is a luxury. To be able to do that is a privilege – especially these days. I also realize why I hate holidays. It creates obligation and I like freedom. I don’t want to have to fake shit on certain days.

I went to the knitting class. It was somewhat of a waste of time. I have the skills, I’m just a slow knitter which is frustrating because I do everything else fast.  Problem# 1: I was the only one in the class.  There was one “teacher” and she had a friend (also a knitter) with her.

I don’t know where to begin. The knitting part or social issues? I was only semi-taught one new thing. #fail. The social thing is what really got me.

We in the fiber arts are chatty.

Oh fuck off on telling me how different I am. I have been around social people enough. They are CONSTANTLY telling me how weird/bad I am. I don’t need it from another person as long as I live. I get it. You need to talk. I don’t. It’s really that simple. I’m the most introverted introvert you’ll ever meet.

The friend said several times that she didn’t want me to feel excluded. Well I’m not social so I don’t feel that way. What is the point of explaining it? I won’t even waste my time right now. I’ll just say I haven’t gotten that many ‘how dare you be so quiet’ references in a loooooong time. (And that is only because I haven’t been stuck around new people for 3 hours in a long time.)

People. Social people. Must. Live. With. Them.

They make me want to tear my hair out. Btw, if you don’t want to exclude someone you might begin by not constantly pointing out how quiet the person is. Just a thought.

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Weekly

Music for the week: Lucy Hale,  Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, Miranda Lambert, LP, Sarah McLachlan, Colbie Calliat, Edwin McCain.

RIP Casey Kasem. I listened to his show every single week once I discovered it. Now I don’t even listen to music on the radio anymore.

TV for the week: NBA playoffs, Switched at Birth, Pretty Little Liars

I skipped all of the game on Tuesday night due to Eric Cantor losing the primary. I was amazed, in shock. I watched the news all night. I was hoping the Heat would make this a series but it doesn’t look like it. Bummer. I want more NBA games! I haven’t watched a second of the World Cup yet. That will probably change today.

Movie of the week: none. I may watch Philomena today…or save it for next week. I’m not eager to watch it. Obvs.

Books of the week#GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso

Knitting projects of the week: I was hoping to have my hat from knitting class but I didn’t finish it. I do have some works in progress to share. WARNING: I am really into fuzzy/frizzy yarn right now. One day I’m sure I will hate this yarn…probably soon.

cowl
cowl

I have a long way to go on this Out of this World Cowl. This yarn isn’t the easiest to work with. I would not recommend it to to a total beginner.  I just noticed that it looks like it has yarn coming out the side…no that is just the sloppy way I took the photo.

And here is a complete tragedy:

scarf...is it dead?
scarf…is it dead?

I got so far with it. More than 50% done….I hate traveling with my projects. I took this scarf everywhere. This morning I noticed a half of row came off the needle. (!!!) A more experienced knitter would know how to fix this but I have no clue so I’ll probably just throw it away. 😦 Or I may just frog it (rip it out). I dunno. I loved how warm this scarf felt. I may try to fix it. I already had plans to wear this scarf when it gets cold.

Finally here is my child sized hat:

hat for a kid
hat for a kid

I know it looks strange because it is on 4 double pointed needles. I’m about to start working on the crown of the hat. This is a mixture of patterns. I’m kind of making it up as I go. I don’t know whether it will be good enough to give to a kid. I have made mistakes with it but it could be wearable? If I give it to someone, it will be free so whatevs. I have never been so envious of a hat before. It is sooooooooooooo warm. I put my hand on the inside and feel the warmth. LOL.  It is 80% acrylic and 20% wool. Normally I wouldn’t make an off-white hat for me because white shows dirt so easily. That is why I made it child sized so someone else could have it if it turns out okay. But if I had made this in an adult size, I would keep it for myself. That is how warm it is. I cannot wait to make one for me in a different color.

One more thing from knitting class:

You are brave to learn knitting from the internet.

Um, what exactly does that mean? How else would I learn? No one in my family knits. I only know of one person who knits and she hates people (I totally get her) so I wouldn’t dream of asking her to show me anything. Oooh! Another person in the fiber arts community who isn’t all that chatty. She talks more than me though.

Anyway I have to do my “How I taught myself how to knit post”. I will probably do it on my week off from work but I don’t feel like I have all things covered. For example, I don’t know exactly how to tell someone how to learn circular knitting on your own. I have used about 10 resources and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I will probably post something and then update it as I go.

Gotta go. I feel crappy. I have already studied today. I’m going to take some pain medication, then a nap and see what happens then….knitting, reading or studying? Decisions. #MyLifeIsSoToughOnSundays (no work. woohoo!)

Oh! P.S. Here is new yarn from my stash. JoAnn’s had a 5 for $15 sale. I couldn’t resist so I brought these skeins:

yarn stash overflowing
yarn stash overflowing

mostly acrylic. I see gloves, hats, and scarves in my future.

here I am in my shame spiral

I have found something else I’m not good at: showing apartments. LOL. What a shocker. I’m going to be blunt: As a asocial person, I find many social people to be very needy. I roll my eyes when they complain about a cashier not smiling at them. Really???! These people need problems.

I try to understand them but some of their complaints I find insignificant. I’m so sorry Sue didn’t smile at you. AT LEAST YOU CAN TALK or whatevs. It drives me nuts. I’m sure they would find some of the same things I complain about silly because they have no idea what it is like to be asocial in this world.

And I have problems understanding why they need everyone to be nice. I just want people to do their job…and not be cruel. Social versus asocial. We live in different worlds. Sometimes we must come together. Well they rarely have to come to us. We must go to them. We must assimilate.

/end rant

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So I only showed my apartment to two people. One man, one woman. The woman was very easy to talk to. There weren’t many awkward moments. (Anything with be having to talk will be a little awkward). BUT then what I feared would happen happened. My neighbor came home as she was leaving. She talked to her AFTER I left  for who knows how long.(She wanted to know about guest parking and since I never had guests, I didn’t have good enough answers for her). So who knows what was said. I know my neighbor called me crazy or something. I never did anything besides rarely staying there and not talking.  Well that ends that. Thanks a lot!  Shocking that I have never heard from her again. She seemed really interested.

My neighbor didn’t get to poison the other guy. He wants to give me a decision over the weekend. Fine. Whatever. I would just pay for the apartment to avoid all this if I could afford it. I don’t know what to do. I did just re-post the aid with June rent free.

I’ve just had it. I wish I could find a company that would find someone for me. I know I would have to pay but I’d do anything to get rid of that apartment.

The apartment isn’t the only thing bugging me but it is a huge issue because I can’t afford it. Obvs.

I’m so overwhelmed. My week off from work starts June 10. I can’t wait. It would be nice if my apartment was rented by then but if not I would get more time to show it. A park is 3 minutes away from where I now live and I haven’t been there yet. I’m dying to go. If no one wants to see the apartment on either Saturday or Sunday, I’m going.

It isn’t like I wasn’t going “crazy” in the apartment. I was staying in motels because my hypervigilance was causing major freak outs. I expect some people to see me moving on as a choice. No. No. No.

BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!

/end rant for real this time

asocial in a social world part II

Intrusion

Intrusive – characterized by intrusion b: intruding where one is not welcome or invited

My therapist wants me to look at people and smile. Do unto others as you want them to do to you, right? Well that is exactly what I do. I think everybody does it. A person who is ‘rude’ to you doesn’t care if they get treated that way. That is what they WANT. I put rude in quotes because what I consider rude and what others consider rude is completely different. I don’t care if someone speaks to me, smile, holds the door open etc. And I’m mystified when people actually complain about this.

Rude to me is talking/laughing about someone within earshot, total disregard for a person’s feelings and walking by someone AND PUTTING THEIR HEAD DOWN while walking by. I just look in a general direction. I don’t physically move my head and dismiss you. I agree this is weird to get in a hissy about. I think it comes from my mom. She would always complain about it while I was growing up. That is one of the few things I picked up from my mom. LOL.

So looking at a person/staring is wrong for me to do. Do I want other people to do it to me? No. So how can I do it to others? I have a conscious. People can tell me that ‘other people don’t care’. blah. blah. I just can’t be so intrusive. I don’t want to invade your world without permission. It’s being nosy.

This is the strange part. The part that makes me so “crazy”.

Staring at someone is intrusive. There. Standing behind me and looking at me while I’m working = intrusive. (Unless there is a reason for it, of course). Celebs would agree with me but since I’m not a celeb this makes me a bitch, right? I don’t care. All throughout high school and even NOW people staring at me equal something bad. During school, they would laugh at my cheap outfits, my hair, or just my looks in general. That is the past. That was high school…Um, why is it still happening now?

For some reason, it seems to happen most often in fast food places. I’m not sure why. Recently, I was waiting for my food. These girls/women (I didn’t turn around) were laughing at me. This happens often when I go out. Maybe I look strange. I do have an odd gait, I’ve been told. But only people @ work make fun of my walk. This makes me feel like I’m really not human.

So that is why I consider people staring at me intrusive. I can’t make a face without someone judging it. Once I was listening to a morning show and reacting. Another person thought it was about her. HELLO? I have earphones on.

I don’t know how to change my feeling about intrusion. (therapy – ha). When people look at me, bad things happen. My therapist says I don’t have to change my reactions. Uh, I guess I’m very dramatic with facial expressions. I think I’m so used to being alone and being able to look however I want without judgment. Suddenly I’m out there, and these people are judging me (incorrectly most of the time).

Staring = looking @ someone w/o any intention of speaking, or looking just to look etc.

asocial in a social world part I

I’ve been so busy. Normally I would have erased my previous post the next day. LOL. Skip the first part to read about me having a kid at 40 years old.
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Asocial : not social: as a: rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction

I’ll try to explain something. I know people with social anxiety will get it. But I think people who have been emotionally abused or are highly sensitive can get this too. I don’t know how this will go. The average person will just think “she’s crazy”. That’s one reason I don’t open up to people. Only 1% of the reason.

Someone in my department asked me to go to lunch. We are going next week. This wasn’t the first time she asked. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time. Once we agreed not to go. The other times we “forgot”. I should be happy to possibly have ONE friendly face @ work. But I’m not because people are complicated. It is too hard to keep up a social charade. I don’t have enough energy to be anyone other than myself. I can’t. keep. any. act. up. (cannot reiterate enough). I also can’t lie. I suck at it. And I naturally tell the truth.

Here’s the problem with people I see daily. work or wherever I would go daily.

1. Before anything even happens, I’m thinking “ugh, I have to speak to her everyday.” This isn’t about a conversation. Saying hi FIRST is extremely hard for me. And I never say bye. Speaking is assuming YOU care. Why should you care about me when we aren’t friends? I know most people do it naturally. They smile, speak and ask “How are you?” without giving a damn. I have not gotten that concept down. If I ask how you are, it is because I want to know details about whatever ‘it’ is.

This is a problem because I dread this shit. I don’t even bother faking it for one day because I know I’m not doing it daily. This is partially social anxiety thing plus being emotionally fucked with in the past.

2. I don’t do small talk. I know a lot of people HATE it. But guess what they can do it! It just doesn’t click in my brain to talk about random stuff I don’t care about. This is probably why I will never have friends. (BTW, I’m open to one close friend not friends). okay so like I’m supposed to talk about the like weather? Are you serious? I want to know your thoughts on soul mates or what your favorite music is. I’d even talk religion or politics….as long as the other person is open minded enough to not be offended. I’m considered radical where I live.

The walls I have around me are made of steel. I would rather you hate me…and you do 🙂 before I open myself up to you.

I’m ending part I. I will probably post part II this weekend if I can break away from studying. It is about intrusion.
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This is completely random. I have no desire to have a kid right now. none. In fact I say, “Thank god I don’t have kids” at least 5 times a week. I’m 29 years old. I’ve decided that at 40, I will made a decision about ‘having’ a child. I would have to have my dream house and be content with life. I’m too much of a pessimist to believe that will happen. To me that is a dream…a possible dream.

There are many problems with this: I don’t want to bring a kid into the world. There are enough kids in America who desperately need homes. There is no desire for me to have a mini-me. And I don’t want to spread my genes. Seriously.

That leads to two more dilemmas.

*Morally (FOR ME – I’M NOT JUDGING OTHERS), I don’t believe in bringing a child into the world without a male role model. I don’t have male friends so….and no there is no male in my family to do this. I have no moral problems with being a single parent or being a gay family but there must be a male figure in my kid’s life. A constant person. A person I can trust and count on.

*I want a potty trained kid. Thanks. Okay that isn’t the problem. The problem is who would give me a child? I could have sex with someone (no thank you) and have a kid, but ME passing through the adoption process?? LOL. I’m serious about the potty trained part. I don’t know how old the kid would have to be…I know nothing about kids or babies.

Therefore, at 40 I will probably not have my one adopted kid. Too many problems. But I’m making the kid decision in 11 years. I just want the world to know.