Making up the moves as I go

Great news…for now. Why can’t I believe in myself more? This is about the part-time job. I got the go-ahead to go and work as much as I want! Scary. I did enough auditing correctly so they feel I can work without feedback. Oh god.  I used to work a lot when I was doing something different than auditing others. But auditing is hard, and I’m so scared, so it takes me hours to do very few things. PLUS, I still have to maintain 95% accuracy. It may as well be 100%. What’s the difference? I can only get one thing wrong…maybe.

High expectations. I’m just going to take my time and ask questions. I need the money, so I’m going to work my ass off.

I really need to workout more. Or change my eating habits. Or both. I gained 9 pounds in exactly one year. 😦 I know this because I weighed myself on September 17 of last year. I’m not that obsessed about it. Obviously (or maybe I would do something about it). I don’t know how much Depo-Provera adds to the weight gain. I don’t think it has much effect.

Anyway, I’ve been walking about 1.5 miles at the park every single day for almost 3 weeks. According to my phone, I walk about 3 miles per hour which isn’t that fast, but not slow at all. Apparently, that has no effect. I haven’t lost weight. Hmmm. It could be the Depo. I probably need to get back on my treadmill regularly. And I’m going to start back up doing the 15-minute workout during my lunch break. I like it because it has cardio and weightlifting.

Speaking of Depo-Provera. No bleeding. I’m so ecstatic about it. Well, I’m hesitantly happy. Anything could change. If I never get my period again, would the Depo be worth it? YES!!! But only because I work from home. I can’t imagine bleeding for 3 months straight and working outside the home. That would’ve been a pain in the ass. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend Depo to others. Only to people who don’t have to work outside the home because the side effects can be wild.

I also can’t imagine being in a sexual relationship while being on Depo. I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about that. So just say NO to Depo unless you don’t have to work outside the house and are not in a sexual relationship. I can’t speak on the other side effects like hair loss and mood swings.

Speaking of sexual relationships or the lack thereof, I watched 45 minutes of the Emmys (the middle part), and I was half asleep, but I heard a winner go up and say something like LGBTA. Holla! He gave asexuals a shout out on primetime TV. I almost jumped out of bed. lol.  Of course, most people have no clue what the “A” stands for. Whatevs. He said it! Thank you. 🙂

Well, I should be working my ass off or studying for my course. That’s my life these days. And I’m mostly thankful.

Been trying to hide it

UPDATE: I have an in-person interview on Thursday. WHHHHHHHHHHHHY? Why couldn’t the phone interview be enough? Well, I will be studying for this interview like crazy. Help me!!!


The job interview. I hate interviews. I don’t talk. I often go days without talking to a human. So interviews are tough for me. At least, it was on the telephone. OMG, I would have failed miserably in person.I suck. But there is a chance it didn’t go that bad. I tried to emphasize that I haven’t missed a day of work in 4 years.  (And that was when I was working from home at my mom’s house and she didn’t go to work and was annoying the hell out of me so I just called in because I knew I wouldn’ t get anything done). Really I have probably only missed one day in TEN YEARS, but I can’t remember. Well, one day I went home early. Whatever. The point is that I’m reliable.

Even though I abhor customer service*, (LOL), I think I did okay with those questions. But some of her questions stumped me. Sigh.  It could take one to three weeks to find out how it went. That’s a long wait. And there’s another thing: training may take place during the day in another city. haha. I can’t take time off from my job to train for a part-time job. WTF? Please let that be a rumor.

*but I will do it to the best of my ability if I get the job


You know I don’t have a typical life when the most exciting thing is how excited I am about finally getting to use my Erin Condren planner this weekend. I’m so excited! Total yayness. And yes, I will be sharing on the blog like people give a shit. 😉 I will also share on Snapchat (kat3x5). hahaha


My OB/GYN sent me a letter about setting up an appointment. Um, I haven’t had sex. I don’t plan on having sex. Why do I need to have a painful pap smear*? I don’t think so. I might have one in 4 years, but definitely not in September. I don’t voluntarily do painful things for no reason. I’m the queen of avoidance. Besides, if I’m NOT having sex, why do I need a pap smear? I don’t.

(*Not that painful for people who have had sex. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.)

Being asexual has a few benefits. 😉 No STDs, no worries of pregnancy, no annual pap smears, no sex drama, and many more things. Not that all asexuals are virgins or don’t have sex. “We” are all different. I put the word we in quotes because I don’t feel like a part of the asexual community. Recently I’ve been toying with the idea of identifying as queer, but that probably won’t last. I hate labels. I don’t even like being identified as a woman. I’m just me. Don’t box me in! Other people consider me queer, though.

Queer is anything that exists outside of the dominant narrative,” Cleo Anderson, a 26-year-old intern at GLAAD, a prominent gay rights group, told USA TODAY Network. Anderson identifies with the term.

“Queer means that you are one of those letters (LGBT), but you could be all of those letters and not knowing is OK,” she said.

Minorities seem to identify with the term in particular because it also can be used to convey the nuances of race and culture and how that intersects with an individual’s gender identity and sexual orientation, she said.

That reminds me that I always leave off the Q in LGBT. However, I leave off the A on purpose because I don’t feel like asexuals are accepted in the LGBT community. Not that they are trying to be mean or intolerant. I’m not saying that at all. One day I might get into it. Not now. It’s complicated.

Btw, people who have sex (95% of people?), will say sex is the best and everyone should do it. But they don’t know what’s best for everyone.


Hillary is spending a lot of money on campaign ads here. That is the bad part about living in a swing state. But I’d rather live in a swing state than in a state where I feel like my vote doesn’t matter, but I hate the ads. It is way too early for this crap. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a  ton of Trump ads soon. Woofreakinghoo!

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Christina Aguilera, Demi Lovato, Kanye West, Madonna, Prince, Years & Years

Is Christina Aguilera coming out with a new album? If it sounds like “Change”, I hope so! I don’t keep up with her much anymore, but this song gave me life this week.

TV of the week:  Pretty Little Liars, basketball

This is the first year in 18 years, I have NOT watched the premiere of Big Brother on TV. How nuts is that? I had to stay off Twitter. I am planning on watching it on Amazon if they ever add it. That is how I plan to watch the whole season. I’m sure I will see a spoiler somewhere. BB is easy to spoil.

Movie of the week: Psycho (for the 200th time)

Books of the week: I finished  Me Before You by Jojo Moyes. I thought it was going to be too romantic, but no, it was REAL. I loved this book. It was one of the best books I’ve read this year. Wow is all I can say. Great book. I love the mini-lessons in the book like living for someone else’s love is a bad idea. Anything could happen. 50% of marriages end in divorce. That statistic doesn’t include people who don’t even get married.

I won’t finish Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-free Productivity (page 48) by David Allen in time. I’m going back on the waitlist. I want to be able to do the exercises so I can’t rush it. Loving I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn’t) Making the Journey from What Will People Think? To I Am Enough by Brene Brown (page 92). I will try to finish that before it is due on Tuesday. I still haven’t started The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins.

Plans for the Weekend: My mom and I are doing summer cleaning. We already cleaned the bedroom. Now I have a place for my treadmill. I don’t have to keep taking it down and putting it back up. Awesome. This Saturday we are cleaning the living room. It is so hard to keep the living room clean because I live in there. I sleep, eat, and work in my living room. Plus, my dog is always there too. He likes to make a mess.

Next week, I will go back to my planner updates. Fun times. 🙂 Have a nice weekend.

Time to be your 21

I deleted my online profile. She asked me if I was seeing someone. I said no and then she wanted to start texting. OMG. I sorta freaked out. :/ I gave it more than 24 hours before I decided to give up. She might be looking for someone to date. So I figured the best thing to do was to delete my profile before we exchanged numbers. Once numbers are exchanged the pressure is on. I have enough pressure from work.

Dating to me implies sex. Is that a wrong assumption? I hate the whole idea of sex.  I’ve already blogged about this before so there is no point in rehashing.

For the above reason, I can never date. Well I could date an asexual person like me but ugh, I don’t even want to go there. It isn’t appealing to me….at all. Sex or no sex, I have too much going on to date or even think about it. But it is possible that one day I won’t feel like I’m struggling through life everyday.

So when my therapist asks me about dating, I want to scream YOU DON’T GET IT. Even if I wanted to date I couldn’t because that means sex! Unfortunately that is how it is. Why are you asking me about dating? You think I want to have sex??! Well I don’t. Do I have to spell it out for you? Apparently so…

No sex. No dating. The end.

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Weekly:

Music for the week:  Zee Avi, Jillette Johnson, Alexz Johnson, Sara Bareilles, Jay Z, Matt Nathanson, Justin Timberlake (in the car), Ciara

TV for the week: Dexter, Scandal (I gave this show a chance. It is too Law & Order-ish for me. And I’m not crazy about Kerry Washington in this. The only plus is that it takes place in D.C. but even that can’t save the show. Perhaps it gets better later but I will never know). Big Brother 15 (rooting for Helen or McCrae to win).

Movie of the week: None. I really want to see Fruitvale Station but it isn’t playing here. 😦

Books of the week: Buddha Standard Time: Awakening to the Infinite Possibilities of Now by Surya Das and Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

Goals for next week:  Work: to be more productive than last week. Frustrating. Sigh. But I did improve slightly this week so there’s hope. Go to the gym 3 times next week.

I am definitely going to the gym tomorrow or Sunday. I will probably go to the one at work. I hope it is empty so I can do weights and cardio.

I’m coming out

Me: I’m not gay but I’m not straight either. Um, I’m not heterosexual.

Her: What? What do you mean by that?

Me: I’m asexual.

Her: Oh. You are just you!

ROFL. Can I really expect a straight normal person to know what asexuality is? NOPE*. ‘Her’ is my therapist. I guess I wanted some ideas on how to say “I’m asexual” to LGBT people. But I won’t get it from her. 😉 Anyhow, I came up with “I’m definitely not straight but I don’t really know how to identify“. Ugh, is that okay? That is too long for me to say. Fuck it. I’m asexual. Get it?

(*I also had to explain to her what LGBT meant! oh dear I say it fast like it is a word. Doesn’t everyone?).

No. I could just say “I’m not straight” or “I’m questioning”. LIES! But if I have to identify as asexual, I’m not going to the LGBT pride fest in September. I don’t feel comfortable…and I still feel like it shouldn’t matter. However, at a pride rally (if I were a friendly normal person) someone would probably ask.

This so wouldn’t matter if I weren’t going but I just want to see what it feels like. See if I feel somewhat ‘normal’ there. I would do anything to feel or BE normal…even if just for an hour. That is probably my ultimate dream. Yes, I’m placing a lot of pressure on the event and on myself. I feel like this is my only chance.

So that’s that. (?)

Oh and Tina Fey‘s character on 30 Rock is a good example of an asexual. Aren’t they smart, well rounded, cute and sexy? 😉

I’m having my ultrasound next Tuesday. I’m bummed because I have to miss half a day of training at work. This will be my only miss. We just started with training and I feel like I can catch up because there is a lot of review going on. I will tell my manager and trainer that this will be my only miss – unless I have an ulcer or something is so wrong with my gallbladder that it must be removed NOW. Otherwise I will wait until I can take time off in October.

I was shocked that the doctor’s office even called me back to schedule the ultrasound. My other PCP would not have called and that is why I only went there once and switched to another doctor. It took them a week to call but at least they called. I just wish I wasn’t missing any work and that I could eat before my appointment.

I brought a how-to jewelry making DVD from Ebay. I’m half watching it now. This is sort of like my porn. I get more turned on by music though. Wire jewelry making is hot. Whew.

Oh and that sexy women post isn’t happening. I’m totally into MEN right now. Oooh, but one day I was channel surfing and saw Jwoww on TV and….jaw dropping.

wow
awesome

You’re welcome. 🙂 Am I a hypocrite because I resent when men think of women as pieces of meat? I don’t think so but I won’t get into that right now. I come at it from not just looks but also personality. I saw Jwoww (sp?) give an interview a couple of years ago and she blew me away. Forget it. It’s complicated. Basically looks alone do not turn me on AT ALL.
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I’m supposed to be moving my stuff today. AGAIN. This is the second try. I’m nervous. I hope it works out. :/

Hook Me Up

Graphic and TMI post:

I called in sick today. It was NAUSEA. Okay, plus I knew the appliance guy was coming to fix my fridge. Plus I could not sleep last night. Plus my cat kept waking me up several times after 4AM. I’m not really tired. (thanks Abilify?) but that’s not the point. I had so much trouble calling in due to the nausea. I couldn’t talk. Plus my Nauzene pills (OTC med) were in the car so I had nothing. I was so sick I was throwing up. RARE for me. This ish is getting serious. I guess it would be dramatic to wonder if I have a serious physical problem. Whatever. I can’t call in sick for the rest of the year.

We only get ONE sick period (2 days straight) a year. I could take off tomorrow too but I feel bad since I’m off next week. I wish we had sick days but people were abusing that so…I just want to feel much better tomorrow.

I do feel better now. Maybe because my fridge is working!!! I promise to keep it well and respect it. 🙂 I went out and brought some food like a college kid. It’s unhealthy but it is just for this week. I think I’m going to accept that I will always eat some frozen food junk. I wish it didn’t have so much sodium. The sodium is going to kill me.

—————–
I would like to say that I’ve been studying all day but I haven’t. I did go outside and study a little. Hey, I learned something…I think. Anyway, I was scanning my bookmarks and found a journal I had forgotten about. It is a blog by an asexual woman. (probably easy to find on google since there aren’t that many out there). And one thing that surprised me is that she came out. Um, she tells people.

I don’t see being asexual as anyone’s business although I applaud anyone for being true to themselves. Coming out is authentic for her. For me it would be TMI. It could be because I don’t have friends, only acquaintances. Who would come out of anything for them? I surely wouldn’t tell my mom. TMI. And who cares about what you are NOT doing? LOL.

Tim Gunn is a sexy asexual. I’m not making light of his suicidal attempt (see link) I guess it would be good if more celebs came out. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

The only thing that bothers me is when people don’t believe in it. There will always be a group of ‘those people’. Maybe it makes them feel better to believe that no one is asexual. I call it close minded BS. Some (most?) asexual people have romantic relationships. And no romantic does not equal sex to an asexual.

I hope I haven’t said anything wrong. The last thing I want to do is define asexual wrong.

what about your friends?

I worked 10 hours today. No overtime. I have the “too tired to sleep” feeling.

I cannot believe what is happening. Well, yes I can. I think my window AC is on the outs. And guess what? This weekend will be the hottest weekend of the summer. 105 degrees, not counting humidity. I don’t live in Arizona. There is no such thing as dry heat here. This is east coast hot. This can’t be happening. I find it strange that every time I leave (concert vacation and I house sat for my mom recently) the noise gets worse. I’m not blaming anyone…but if people shot guns for fun in your neighborhood, you might be suspicious too. Did I ever mention the guy staring into my window? My blinds were shut. It was daytime so he couldn’t see inside. I think he was just mocking me. He sat as close as he could without being on my property. But I digress…ugh, please don’t go out. AC wahhhhhhhhhhhhh
————–

I have finals this week. I’m sooo not ready. wahhhhhhhh. woe is me. I have an “A” average in both classes, I cannot fuck up on the final. I just lost my motivation somewhere…
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I’ve always had trouble making friends, probably because I am so different, and I thought it would get better as I got older because people usually mature with age (or so my naive, 14-year-old self once believed). To my disappointment, it has only gotten worse. No one wants to share anything with you unless you’re their husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, or otherwise fuck buddy. It’s like I’m unimportant because I’m not interested in sex. I feel like many people treat me as a second-class homosapien, a creature of lesser humanity. Because, after all, from what people have said to me, humans are sexual beings. And if I’m not sexual, what does that make me?

This subject distresses me because I really desire close, nonromantic, nonsexual relationships with even one individual. But that’s extremely rare in this society, if it exists at all. So I’ve somewhat accepted that my life will probably be spent in solitude, with no one to love me for who I am without wanting to touch me in certain ways or stick their cock inside me.

Yeah I know it is wrong to post quotes off message boards. If it were in a blog, I would link it. And if I ever start posting there, I won’t do it. You know how someone expresses exactly what you feel? So, why bother typing it out. ROFL. (No, it wouldn’t bother me if someone did that to me – unless they were being mean spirited or somehow knew my real name and posted it with the post).

ANYHOW, the above is how I’ve been feeling lately. But it is true…how many asexual people are out there? And then you would have to click with the person. I don’t feel the need for friends but I have to do something or my therapist will kill me. Friends at work are so out. I just can’t do the office politics. Hate the gossiping etc.

It would be nice to TRY something new. To see how much the rejection hurts. (Presumptive? yes!) The last person I had so much in common with “rejected” me softly and I was out of it for a week so…I’m not sure it is worth it. (This guy was insensitive but we had a lot in common which is rare). But I think I’m up for trying. I don’t know why it has to be a male. Maybe because I haven’t had a male friend since I was 8?? Normally I stay clear of men (sexist!) because of the whole “they only look at females as sexual objects” notion I have in my mind.

I hate being judged. ESPECIALLY AS A SEXUAL BEING….when I’m so not. Men make me nervous. This won’t be the last entry on this. This is just the beginning.

Btw, I normally don’t think about asexuality a lot. It’s not how I identify but then again, I also don’t identify as female or as my ethnicity. I just see myself as a person. That’s it.

Little more personal (raw)

(I guess I have to preface this entry even though I don’t think anyone is reading. Um, if you are a normal person –lol- you will be fine. Seriously, I won’t put the P word in the tags so people won’t find it that way.)

OMG. Someone is going to get it for not telling me how much a pap fucking smear hurts! If I would have known that was going to happen (the test), I would never have gone to the doctor in the first place. And if I had to go to the doctor for some reason, I would have had stomach problems all day. ANXIETY. Serious stomach problems. I would not have slept at all.

No, I’m not having sex with a guy. C’mon! And the only woman I wish I could fuck (hah) is currently incarcerated. But she will get out and she will show all of you! I’m asexual, bitches.

(Yes Lindsay. Ignore the cigarette and lighter and admire that picture for its art. I love black and white photos. And look how they perfectly capture her wanting to escape being photographed. Ah, a lovely photo. My attraction to her is off and on. But she’s still the only one though…).

For the record, I’m still hurting right now. But don’t worry you social/sexual human beings or I should say just women. I’m pretty sure it won’t hurt you as much. FUCK.

Yes I cried. Not over Lindsay but the damn fucking pain.

No I don’t know when I’m supposed to get a pap. No I don’t know when my last period was. No I don’t know what size clothing I wear. When you are dealing with heavy mental shit, crap like that sorta falls by the wayside.

Seriously if I were having sex with a female, would I have to get a pap yearly?? My doctor who I actually liked (FWIW ) said I only “have to” get one once every 3 years. Uh-huh. That’s a great reason not to have sex. LOL. STDs is reason enough for me. And the grossness. Etc.

And another question: If they do pap smears in a regular doctor’s office, then what the fuck do OB-GYNs do? (Besides maternity stuff). I’m clueless. I know about Zoloft not this stuff.

Anyway, other than that shit, I think it went okay. My blood pressure is great. She said I was too thin but I gained 3 pounds in 2 months! I know why. Because when my dad was here for a month, I mostly ate processed food and some fast food.

She ran some tests. I really wanted to know if I have anemia and I have no idea if she tested for test. She said thyroid test (?) which may cover anemia. Once I told her my cat had anemia, I thought for sure she would draw my blood. No, I didn’t tell her about my cat’s condition but I do think we have it.

I’m definitely not going to the dentist after this experience unless I can be put under in a non-threatening way. I have no idea how anesthesia works at a dental office. I know they rarely use it but I would not consider going to someone who wouldn’t consider that an option.

Oh well. I have a lot of work to do. I’m sure Lindsay is doing fine.