hurt people tend to hurt people

ups and downs.

I didn’t know the twinkie thing was so serious. 😦 I grew up eating those things. I haven’t had one in about maybe 5 years or so. If I saw one now, I would totally buy it and eat it.

I haven’t signed a lease yet! That recently occurred to me. So legally it isn’t my apartment…as of right now. This brings me anxiety and a sense of relief. What if something happens – they discover I own a house  – and they take the apartment back?  However, I did pay for them to hold the townhouse until December 15th. Does that mean anything? I don’t think they have cashed the check as of today.

At first I was fine with my current living situation but now things are hitting the fan where I live so I want out. I’m living in about 200 square feet which never bothered me before but this on top of TRYING to work. scream! I need my own place. I’ve been living on my own since I was about 20 (counting dorm rooms). I’ve always said I could never live with anyone and this is sooooo true. But I’m trying to make it work. I have always been this way: Anything that negatively effects my ability to work must die. (except social anxiety which I can’t seem to get rid of).

The only sense of relief from not getting the apartment would be that I wouldn’t have to pay all those bills. That reminds me, I still have to cut off water/gas/electricity to the house. I’m still paying all that.  Anyhow, I can’t take this anymore. I’m done. Everything was fine when it was a normal roommate situation. Then things changed recently. Three people at the house 24/7….ROFL. Buddha, help me! If I weren’t working at home this would not be a huge deal at all. Uncomfortable? Yes. But not I-have-to-get-out-of-here type of deal.

End of that story.

Oh yeah, I did chat with a financial counselor for free. He left me feeling the same, I guess. He did say that my credit will only (?) be bad for a year or two for giving up the house (legally giving up the house – never missed a mortgage payment!) I find that hard to believe. Only 2 years to rebuild my credit??? Gosh, I hope so. I’m not counting on that. I’m sad about my credit going to hell. 😦 I’ve been so good and now this? I guess this is the price I must pay. I feel like I’ve already paid for it but apparently the universe feels differently.


There are so many movies I want to see but now that I’m being Miss frugal, I can’t see half of them. I will try to see at least one…maybe two. Well it just isn’t about the money, moving takes a lot of time too. Maybe getting out and seeing a movie would be a great escape. This is a partial list of most of the movies I’m interested in:

  • On the Road
  • Lincoln
  • Anna Karenina
  • Breaking Dawn 2 (Damn for someone saying the movie was excellent. The book was so bad/boring I couldn’t finish reading it but that doesn’t mean the movie sucks).
  • Rust and Bone
  • Armour
  • Django Unchained (leaning towards waiting for the DVD)
  • The Collection

Which one will I see? I dunno. Probably Lincoln.

I have decided not to buy much of anything for the apartment until after I move. I have budgeted (using that term loosely) a certain amount for the new place. I know I need tables: end tables, coffee tables CHEAP tables. Since my mom agreed to buy my bedding – thanks mom! – I took that money and brought my frogs and fish a new place. They will have to share a 5 gallon tank. Right now the frogs are in a 2.5 gallon tank. And the betta fish is in a 1 gallon tank. No more. I will keep them together. I brought them this: Marineland Eclipse Acrylic Aquarium System.

2 five gallon tanks

I’ve had my frogs since my birthday (May 2012) and my fish since maybe June? I hope they like their new shared home. As long as no one hogs the food, everything should be fine. With the filter running, this aquarium is supposed to be easy to keep clean. That is what I need. Anything to make life easier. Yes, I’ve been stressing over my frogs.

Back to the furniture thing – Oh dear, I’m so obsessed with this table thing. I need tables because without them everything would go on the floor. ROFL. I can’t have enough small tables. I’m thinking about going to Ross tomorrow. I just need stuff that is already put together. I wish I could afford furniture from Crate and Barrel. I went by there and window shopped. They have an $800 assembled bookshelf that I really want. I will stop by Ross and see if they have anything. Their inventory changes constantly. It is probably smart to go there every week. Sometimes they have no furniture, then the next time I go I see the best stuff.

Oh yes, I can ramble more but I’ll stop.


When I was living in an apartment, I used to sleep in my car at night to escape the noise. When I wasn’t in my car, I was too afraid to move in my apartment. I would just sit still. I still do that today sometimes. Due to the noise, I brought a house in one week. I didn’t dream of having a house. I wanted to like living in apartments. But the noise was too much.  Years before I brought the house, the noise drove me to a motel room with a knife. I wrote a short suicide note and I was going to kill myself. I was too much of a coward so I’m still here.

Noise anxiety has ruined my life. If anyone wants to see how it manifests: here it is. It can take over your life.

I thought I had paid enough for buying a house in a week. I paid my dues. Or maybe not. Now I may be “short selling” my house. I have great credit. What will that do to it? I don’t have much. Good credit was something I had. Even if it doesn’t mess up my credit, will I be able to buy a house anytime soon? I’m paying big time just because I got sick of being paralyzed and sleeping in my car.

Now what? I would love to be able to live in an apartment. But since I work at home, that is so fucking scary. I’m stuck there for 8+ hours a day. I can’t runaway from the noise. I could lose my job easily that way. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to rent a house.

I’m screwed. Stuck. All due to……???

I may not be able to short sell. That could be a good thing because then I won’t have to worry about the not being able to buy a house/credit thing. But I would be out of a LOT of money. I may not be able to finish school in the fall. Registration starts soon. I need to know.

With all this being said, I didn’t know selling a house was so expensive, I will be spending the next 2-3 days packing up everything in my house. I won’t be moving it yet though.

Update: A short sell will remain on my credit for 7 years HOWEVER, since I’m not behind on my mortgage payments I could still purchase a house if I had the down payment, income requirements etc. {source}. Right now I don’t have the down payment so heh. :/

Another Update: I think I’m going to just take a HUGE financial hit instead of doing a short sale. As in, no $$ left after the regular sale and max out my credit cards. What a price to pay.

Update #3 – Nah, I’m going to try to get approved for the short sale. I could get denied and then I’ll have to take the hit.


On to happier topics: My kids. Now I get why people post pics of their kids and stuff. LOL. I brought another betta fish. I feel guilty. Was it selfish? Was it the right thing to do or was I was so desperate for a fish? This is why I could never have kids. If buying a fish makes me question everything, I could never get through the adoption process. Anyhow, I brought Storm. He is gorgeous. He is a half moon betta which basically means he has this beautiful tail.

Unlike my last betta, this fish eats so I think he’ll live. I’m surprised my other fish lasted 3 weeks without eating anything. Here is a pic of Storm:


I put way too many rocks in the aquarium. I brought a 10lb bag of rocks and went a little nuts. The rocks make it harder to clean and it means less water for the fish. What was I thinking? He likes to hide in his fish cave. I have a few live plants in there but the big one is fake.

Guess what? I also have video of Storm!

I moved my frogs into a 2.5 gallon tank. This time they didn’t almost drown. I won’t feel good about the move until they have been in there for 24 hours. You won’t believe this but I also have video of my two frogs: M & M.

All the green plants are real plants. I think they like this new home. 🙂