I just ran out of band aids

The kids being out of school for spring break is soooooooooooo much worse than I thought it would be. I didn’t expect my neighbor on the right to have his kid(s) at home too. And they are young, loud, and obnoxious. I didn’t get much sleep last night. They probably went to bed at around 1AM. Who lets a 5 year old stay up that late and run up and down the stairs and bang stuff? Them. Another thing that bothers me is,  they aren’t teaching their kids about respecting others. I bet these kids will grow up to be bad neighbors.

FUCK.

Hours after I typed the above, I relapsed. But here’s the thing: I won’t be able to afford to relapse anymore. This is a time when having friends would be awesome. HAHA. Yes I booked a hotel for two nights. I justified it in my mind because I knew this was the only way I could work. “All I wanna do is my work”, I say in my best whiny voice. I’m way behind.

So obviously this can’t continue. (for $$ reasons). I love staying in hotels and would gladly do it if I could afford it. I could have done so much with this money. 😦 There is no point in crying about that now. The real issue is WTF am I going to do in the summer? Everyone else but me is looking forward to the summer. I’m worried about how often the boy(s) will be there. I can’t sleep. I don’t eat. I barely get any work done….

More on this later. I’m really concerned about the money issue. I CAN’T AFFORD THIS ANYMORE.

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The following was supposed to be its own entry. I’ll do a shortened version of this topic:

I cried in therapy for the first time in over a year. Thinking about my past is never pleasant. Those motherfuckers robbed me of my life. They won! I don’t know what they are doing now but it probably involves 2.5 kids so in America’s eyes – they won.

If anyone should be an anti-bullying activist, it should be me. It was every single day. It ruined me. It made me, ME. All you see and read is because of their abuse. I just want people to take it seriously because bullying/teasing killed me. I’m dead.

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I just got back from the pool. The water was cold! I jogged around for about 20 minutes. I’m going to take a nap now….because I can.

guess it’s funnier from where you’re standing

I’m in such big trouble! Um, not really. This is me being dramatic. (Shocking). I have my monthly therapy appointment on Tuesday…..and OMG. I have just sucked! Look at my blog. I went to the beach for Buddha’s sake. Wow, what do I say? haha. Obviously I’m going to tell the truth but I can’t believe it has been a month and ZERO progress. I regressed. This appointment will be interesting. I should keep up with when my appointments are. If I hadn’t gotten the voicemail, I would have missed it.

I did stay at my apartment on a Thursday night which was huge to me considering what happened the last time I was there on a Thursday. Nothing bad happened this past Thursday. So the new motto is: Something bad can happen any day. You never know….

How is that for being optimistic?

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I wanted to go to a new-to-me water aerobics class today. I got up at 5:30AM. Worked a little. Then went to the Y. Only two people were in the water so I thought, “even if there is no class, I get to walk/jog in the water”. I opened the door to the pool and I kept seeing “6FT”. I’m looking around for the shallow part of the pool…Um, there wasn’t a shallow part. Unless you call 6 feet shallow. The pool was 6-9 feet. LOL. I would have drowned! I can’t do anything in that kind of water. Too bad because it looked really nice.

Their facility is really nice. They even give you towels (!!). I got lost a few times. The major drawback is no parking. Well it was a pleasant visit. I doubt I go back since I can’t get in the water and if I want to sleep in, there would be no place to park. I did get on the treadmill for 15 minutes because I wanted to do something while I was there.

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I know I’m supposed to be in apartment rehab but I have at least two trips already planned. One is paid for. *Slap me with a splintered ruler*. A hotel at the beach where I usually stay sent me an email saying one night for $48! I didn’t believe it. An oceanfront hotel SUITE for $48??? The only catch is you have to stay during April and not on the weekends. Well who has 2 days off  in April? Moi. So I booked it. That means no John Mayer concert for sure but I’m somewhat okay with that. 😉

The second place I want to go is camping in a “cabin” for my birthday (in May). I haven’t paid for that yet. I put cabin in quotes because it looks just like a house to me. This trip would be special because my dog gets to go! I have never taken my dog anywhere. Does that make me a bad mom? She’s about 16 years old and she has never been on vacation 😦 I think this will be so fun.

I haven’t paid for that yet because I have so many other things to pay for.  I might need a new laptop. Major bummer. Something is wrong with my cooling fan. Best Buy wants to ship it out for 2 weeks. I’m trying to find someone who can fix it without it being shipped away. I work on my laptop 30% of the time. I sort of need it. I definitely need 4 new tires before I go to the beach so I better get on that ASAP.

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Project Life geek alert!

I combined my 2012 pages with what I have so far for 2013 into one binder. Holy Moly! It is heavy and awkward now. I can see why some people need two or three binders for *one* year. Geez. I won’t be carrying it around. That’s for sure. But I like having everything in one album. It also motivates me to take more photos, journal more etc.  I have so many pictures for March. I have to narrow it down.

To everyone who got the Blush edition and/or Jade edition of Project Life from HSN….I secretly hate you. But I would never tell you that to your face. 🙂  I want something shiny and new too! If the Cinnamon or Rain edition were offered, I would have brought a kit. 😦 As of right now I’m considering buying Cinnamon when it is released in May and use it right away. For 2014, I will probably buy Rain and use a mixture of everything I have. I don’t yearn for my pages to color coordinate so that will work for me.

Since I can’t find anyone to swap with, I’m planning on selling a mixture of the core kits in June on Ebay: (Cherry, turquoise, wellington*, & cinnamon*). It will have anywhere from 200-300 cards. I’m sure someone will LOVE this. I wish more people would do this. I want a mixture! I would kill for a mix of clementine, olive, and seafoam.

*I don’t have wellington yet but I asked for it for my birthday. Obviously I don’t have cinnamon because it hasn’t been released. I’m assuming there will be some cards I won’t use.

blowin’ smoke

I’ve been doing bad with my stay at home rehabilitation. I kind of have an excuse. It’s a long explanation but basically my grandmother is in the hospital….I still could be at home if I really wanted to be there though. I am going back tomorrow afternoon. I am making myself go. I am very nervous/scared. Thursday night is when  my neighbor to the left went nuts. I haven’t been there on a Thursday night since.

Next week scares me more. The kids are home for spring break. ::FREAK OUT:: That will be a test. No, a final freaking exam. An all essay final exam. A verbal exam. No, even worse – a job interview. ACJKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I don’t expect people to get it. I’m already being judged. This person has no idea what I’m dealing with. If you don’t have PTSD or high anxiety, I don’t expect you to get it. But it would be nice if the person laid off the judging, you know?

Nice…what a concept!

So I’m scared. I’m always scared. Breaking news! Needless to say, no reward for me this week. I didn’t try hard enough but as long as I stay out of hotels…+1 for me. 😉

Just an update on my craziness.

We’re just blowin’ smoke.
Hey-yea
Out here goin’ broke

It would be nice if I could rent a house after my lease runs out. I know that’s laughable but at least I know more about house hunting after my last experience. I know what I need in a house…too bad it will be very tough for me to rent one.

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I fell off the not drinking soda wagon this week. My life is a mess!

where I sleep

3 posts in 3 days…that won’t happen often.

Here’s the truth:

I’m so scared to even move in my apartment. Blogging? LOL. I can barely work! If it sounds insane…well it is driving me insane.

One of my two neighbors is not working any longer. He may have gotten laid off. I don’t know. I feel bad for him because losing a job sucks…..but when he is home all day (like me), I don’t get anything done. I used to get my chores done during the workday. When my neighbors would work, I would do things around the apartment PLUS do my “real” work. Then we they got home, I would pretty much sit still until bedtime. (You don’t wanna live like this – trust me!!)

Now ahhhhhhhhhhhh! He is always home. I am always home -except when I’m at the gym- so I am an irritable mess all the time. No relief. I appreciated so much that my neighbors worked (instead of being retired etc.). I thanked the universe for it. Well there goes being thankful. I swear anytime I say ‘thank you’ for anything, the opposite happens. ALL THE TIME. That is why I no longer say, “I’m so grateful for…….” because that thing will be gone in a flash.

It gets worse! My other neighbor suddenly got a kid from somewhere. (!!) She is a nice girl. We speak and smile when we see each other. She may be around 13 or 14. But WTF am I going to do in the summer? When she gets home from school, she sits right where my office is. There goes the workday. Where did this kid come from? Is she going to be around all summer? If I’m going nuts now, imagine that!

It isn’t my neighbors fault the walls are so thin. The funny and hard to explain thing is that they can only hear me (except I’m not making any noise so they hear nothing). They have a brick wall between them and their other neighbor. I’m the unlucky one with a 1 bedroom. I’m in the middle with nothing but thin ass drywall protecting me from their noise.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY????????

Being grateful doesn’t work so maybe whining in a blog will….I wish.

I just want to be normal. I have tried everything. The only thing that are slightly helpful are not having caffeine. Medicine would probably help a little bit if I took it but I hate being drowsy from the meds so I don’t take them often. Sleep helps a great deal but since my nonworking neighbor is home, he stays up late on some nights on the phone laughing and talking loud. Less sleep = irritable me. I get less real work done.

My job is on the line. It isn’t just because of the lack of training/help. It is my living situation too. I have gone to the library to work for a couple of hours once a week. That is a decent alternative. The solo study rooms are only available for 2 hours per person so I usually go into the group study room and hope no one else comes in. The mall is the other alternative. The downsides to that is there is no electric plug for my laptop and the last time I went the wi-fi was really sluggish. I had to go home because I was getting more done at home than at the mall!

I’m exhausted. I’m extremely worried about losing my job and the above is why. I’m going to hate myself if I lose my job due to my PTSD (triggered by noise in this case).

No solutions.

I also now believe that the universe no longer cares about anyone. Now I understand why people to choose to believe in a god. It must be comforting. The book, Undoing Perpetual Stress: The Missing Connection Between Depression, Anxiety and 21stCentury Illness finally convinced me to stop believing the universe gives a damn. It is a great book. I would recommend this book everyone but especially to all doctors (general practitioners and shrinks).

I realize this entry is a mess and that’s because my life is a mess. I’m envious of people who can easily tolerate living in an apartment (about 99% of the population). Normal. Normal. Normal. That is all I want. Apparently I am asking for too much?

I had to get this out…I easily typed all this out because I’m not home.

Runaway Train (part 1)

And so I ran. I knew that I couldn’t check myself in a psych ward because who would pay my bills? Deciding that apartment living was not the answer, I broke my lease. It cost me $1500. I brought a house in less than 45 days with no down payment of course.

I thought I was safe. No more hearing neighbors through thin ass walls. Yes I would miss my big closet and washing machine but the noise would be gone. I would feel safe. I could come home from work and feel free.

Well it didn’t quite happen that way. The noise began almost immediately while living in the house. I slept in my car for weeks to escape the noise. I yelled at my neighbors (from inside the house). Oh yeah, once I went on my side porch and yelled “FUCKERS!!”

The haunting of the noise is still here today. My mind is telling me it is getting worse.