My life – June 2006

Entries from my paper journal. To read previous paper entries, click on the “Paper Thoughts” tag on the sidebar.

June 4, 2006

Sick. Couldn’t get Elixir. Feel better after relaxing all day yesterday. I hadn’t done that in a while. Still have stuffy nose, of course. I hope tomorrow is better. Cold-ezze doesn’t help once the cold is already 100% there…I think.

June 6, 2006

If It makes them happy, it can’t be that bad. ha! I ordered Demi a birthday gift. I wish I would have given her a gift card instead. That would have been practical but I don’t want to pay the extra $5.95. They have silly rules. Whatever. I hope she enjoys the book. I hope she really wanted it.

June 8, 2006

1. Get a part-time job.
2. Start paralegal classes.
3. Start business.

Pick one. Any one. Do I need more options? Am I missing something? My life. My choice. Can I choose two? I don’t think so. I need to concentrate on one. I want to start in mid-August/September. Planning starts NOW. I need to find that “10 Questions” book. Will the school thing just delay me or is it “the answer”? I know what it seems like.

I want answers. The answer is probably a full-time job. Not a better full-time job. I’m not even full time now. Argh. I have to get out. I will get out. I hate for my hair to be the determining factor. Nah, it won’t be. I will just wear a wig. Easy.

June 28, 2006

Here at the beach. So anti-climatic, I guess. I don’t know what I expected.

When is anxiety valid? Shouldn’t I be worried about my car? Isn’t that a decent concern? Am I crazy for considering going to the beach without a rental car? I hope not.

what would a buddhist do?

…about everything. but mainly about my coworker saying i was only still employed because we are so backed up. she said they would get rid of me once they can train others to do what we do. that would probably be about at least 3-6 months from now. to make matters worse, she is one of the people i was supposed to go to lunch with.

well i’m sure that won’t be happening. that’s GREAT news. ๐Ÿ™‚ i don’t need something else to stress over.

i know i shouldn’t believe her, however she is tight aka friends with the manager. so she could have inside info. or she could just be gossiping….i really hate that the two people i sit near are buddy buddy with the manager. i don’t do office politics. ::shocker::

i miss my old desk. i wasn’t surrounded by people. it does interfere with my focus. when i get overwhelmed (because I’m given something new or something i don’t know) i tend to lash out at whatever or whoever is there. i mean, i don’t make a sound but i get so agitated. imagine a person on 8 cups of coffee.

sigh. so what would a buddhist do?
-probably not acknowledge what was heard
-continue to work hard
-meditate during lunch -i haven’t done that in 3 weeks
-don’t live as if that is going to happen (the hardest one for me)

in summary, don’t have these ‘i’m getting fired laid off’ thoughts in my head. i need to somehow free myself of these thoughts.

i tried to follow a hip hop carmen electra dance video. omg, beginners should not even think of starting off with that. i won’t be signing up for a hip hop class anytime soon. back to carmen. I’ve loved her since “baywatch”. ๐Ÿ˜‰ yep i have a little crush on her. she’s a professional dancer (among other things).

anyway the music carmen used was real hip hop (from the 90s) and i barely had enough room to do much of anything. i did do some of it and i was tired and dehydrated afterwards. it is a great workout for people familiar with choreographed dancing. She has a bunch of dvds that i won’t be buying/renting anytime soon.

i guess i need to stick to pop. maybe one day i can’t get over my anxiety and take a beginner’s pop dance class. orwhateverthatwouldbecalled
i have to go iron. blah.

dancing in my panties


I was asked out to go to lunch!!!!11111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is perfectly normal in this department. However, I don’t even talk to the two women. I don’t talk to anyone…

I’m nervous. scared. anxious. what do i say? see i know that everything i say will get back around the department. i’m the only one they know NOTHING about. i could tell you their life stories. it’s bad enough having to worry about what to say to THEM but knowing that what i say to them will get back…my stomach is doing cartwheels right now. fuck, i hate this crap.

i spent 2 hours dancing yesterday. i sorta feel like i was on a cheer team with the whole counting thing. 1,2,3,4. my god. i wish i had it on dvd but even if i did i wouldn’t do it at home (long story). anyhow, even if i didn’t follow all the steps because i couldn’ it is still a workout. just moving for 2 hours is what’s important.

the music wasn’t great. the country music was so cheesy but the steps were a little easier to remember. the pop one was all around better. it was a far better workout and the music was tolerable. the dvd i want is a hip hop dance/exercise dvd. the music better not suck! ๐Ÿ™‚ i’ll mention the name and do a mini review when i get it.

i have always enjoyed dancing. no, i’m not good at it. my first memories of trying to follow choreographed dancing is janet jackson’s “if” video. i can still do the moves today even though i haven’t seen the video in forever. i did learn a few of britney spears’ videos but mostly i feel like i made up better stuff than her choreography. the good ol’ days.

yay for youtube! i actually have it on vhs. lol. this video changed a lot of people’s lives.

i could dance forever although now i yearn to dance with structure. it is much more of a workout to dance to the philly 76ers routines than just random moves. my biggest issue is to dance without counting. i can’t go fast, count and dance at the same time. and the whole counting to 8 and then starting over. ahhhhh. too much for my mind to take. i would love to get really good at it. i’m definitely a beginner.

i’m also trying to think of a place to dance..that is another entry.
i do feel a little bad for how michael phelps’ hometown is throwing him under the bus. he wants to chill at home. let him be. the bong jokes must be hard on his family…i keep thinking ‘what if they are listening to this?’

on the other hand, THIS GUY HAD A DUI. hello, he already had a “second chance”. on that level i don’t feel bad for him at all. people forgot what happened before the Olympics. i think he deserves the loss of sponsorships and whatever is coming his way. i don’t wish that on him but he deserves to suffer the consequences. i just want people to remember this guy has had several warnings.