I love the way you lie

I rarely cry and when I do it is at a work place. So it isn’t a soothing cry because I can’t make any noise at all. Then I usually have to go back to the work environment. Eh. I feel very blah right now. I typed the part in italics 2 hours of “The Cry” (while at work).

Have to get this out.

total freakout today. we were taking FAKE calls. I freaked out.

Cried.

I couldn’t sleep last night. came into work early.

Someone people were laughing at me. I don’t think they were my coworkers. My coworkers were probably laughing to themselves.

Do you think I’m just nervous now?

Do you think everything is going to be okay now?

I’m tempted to come in early just so the noisy coworker won’t get the 411. control freak much? she will find out anyway. everyone will know. And that’s cool.

This is TMI for an anonymous blog. Anon this! lol. Anyway, the trainer has diarrhea of the mouth. I’m pretty sure she already told the coworkers – the ones she is close to. and she probably feel like she has to tell my manager. I don’t care about her telling management. They don’t care about how we feel about being on the phones when 10-20% of us have NEVER been on the phone. In fact two others in the class never call businesses…just like me! However, they didn’t cry today.

Don’t tell me it is going to get better with time. No one has been able to teach me to talk so uh???

I do hope I will be able to sleep because the last thing I need is less sleep. If I ever have to be on the phone a whole week, I will probably buy NyQuil. But it isn’t that easy. (I have never tried that even for a cold- I just know that OTC sleep aids do not work for me probably because my insomnia is due to anxiety). I don’t know. Sigh. If I can’t sleep 3-4 days in a row, I’m going to have to call in. I have never done that. Of course they will think “she doesn’t want to be on the phones”. True, but the problem is the ANXIETY and lack of sleep.

I shouldn’t worry about this now. The everyday thing probably won’t happen until January. Ugh, and then I will be in school. I’ll be taking a full load. Fuck. I just hope I can get 5-6 hours of sleep. I sure didn’t get it last night.

But everything is going to be fine. EVERYONE is nervous. FUCK THAT! That is so insulting to people who have social anxiety but these people don’t know any better so ideally I shouldn’t get mad. There’s nervous and then there is social anxiety. They don’t compare.

One more thing. The TPx has gotten into trouble SEVERAL times for her mouth….AT WORK. Why doesn’t she have a mental illness? I think she does. But just because being outspoken and extroverted is considered as positive traits, no one labels them. But hello??? I’m sure she has gotten into more crap than I even know about because she can NOT talk about people (in negative ways) to others. How can that not be an issue of some sort. She has gotten into trouble. And if she wasn’t good at her job, she might have been fired.*

*I in no way want this person fired, btw. I’m just annoyed that she can run her mouth and not have a label. But people like me (who rarely bug people) get labeled. WE are the ones who have a hard time finding a job etc.

I wish I had a trust fund

Or a way out

Or anything.

Reality sucks.

irritability

Tomorrow will be busy. I’m going to sell stuff (@ the crack of dawn), do laundry & go grocery shopping. After that the weekend should be a breeze. I have no labor day plans. After tomorrow, I have to decide whether or not I want to continue with Avon. I’m not completely done with them. I still have to order all birthday, xmas and mother’s day gifts by the end of this month. 🙂

I’m a little bit confused about tomorrow. I have no idea whether it cost to sell there. Is it first come, first serve when it comes to tables? Is it free? Damn, I hope so cause I only have $3.00 in cash. %$# I forgot to get money! I hate not knowing stuff so this is driving me insane.

I did learn a lot from the last sell. NEVER (ok maybe it is fine sometimes) present yourself as an Avon seller. People won’t come by. They will assume they know your prices even though I was selling almost everything at least 10% off and other things 35% off. The kids stuff sold. (I love you Miley Cyrus – party in the USA!) One women brought 95% of the kids’ stuff for her niña. G-d bless you for supporting small business! 🙂 xo

This time I want to get rid of ALL the beauty/fragrance stuff so I’m selling it for 50-75% off. I am also selling more than Avon (DVDs, books, unopened coffee, my handmade necklaces etc.) IF I do continue with this whole Avon thing I will focus on necklaces and watches. Sure if something is a big seller, I will continue to sell it like Hannah Montana and popular stuff…but otherwise I’m staying FAR AWAY from the typical Avon stuff.

Wish me luck. I have no idea what I’m doing. heh. I’m going to post pics of my handmade jewelry alongside Avon marvelous jewelry tomorrow.
————
Today I didn’t have any klonopin. Some days it doesn’t matter but remember today is friday. My nerves are frayed by then. I have forgotten to take my med on a Monday and that is not such a big deal. Even though the effect only last for 3 hours I like to have it when I’m around people all day.

I’ll cut to the chase: Is it social anxiety or irritability? Are they the same? I am anxious, a worrier and when I’m out it turns into social anxiety (which is only bad b/c people hate you – lol). Today I was so irritable. I couldn’t stand anyone looking at me. I went to the mall during lunch – very rare. And I wanted to shout, “WTF ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” or “DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

I should be discussing this w/a psychologist. I really just need to work in a corner. I am so much more productive on Mondays when I’ve had time away from people and in the morning (after taking klonopin).

this ish is affecting my work. help. 😦

sleep is necessary

As you can see by looking at my tweets —> I did not have a good day yesterday…or today but that’s another issue.

I just want to comment on the Michael Jackson drug story. First, let me say that I’m am so disappointed in Debbie Rowe for trying to get custody of her kids. I thought she gave them to Michael as a gift and that her horses were her children. ugh. Does she really want them? Or does she want a settlement or trust fund. Yes that’s judgmental. And selfishly, I am pissed because now there will be MORE MJ news coverage (on CNN, MSNBC etc). I watch the 24/7 news channels when I’m bored. I refuse to wash this garbage. If it isn’t about his music or Neverland, I don’t care! I guess I’m going to have to watch CSPAN for fun like I used to before I became jaded about politics.

I just hope the 3 kids get to stay together. They have too. 😦 (Debbie is only the egg donor of 2).

/end rant

About the sleeping drug thing. This doesn’t shock me at all. I couldn’t take over the counter sleep meds. People with anxiety need something stronger. And I think Michael was way worse than me. So the OTC drugs are crap. He probably had a tolerance to regular prescription drugs. So he got his hands on a deadly sedative. The nurse said tearfully, “He just wanted to sleep!”

Okay…I don’t understand why that is so hard to comprehend. He had a doctor with him. He didn’t want to die. He thought a doctor could save him NO MATTER WHAT…after all the person was a doctor. He would watch MJ sleep and make sure he was breathing.

Some may say it’s callous. Yes it is a little, um severe. But insomniacs (I’m not one) and people with deep anxiety knows what it feels like to JUST WANT TO SLEEP. Hell, if I were him, I might have done the same thing. I don’t even value my life that much. I would just kill myself if I need sleep that bad.

I feel for him so much. Just wanting rest. Your mind is racing. Then you get even more frenetic when you can’t get to sleep. Watch his last documentary, he was always paranoid and anxious.

I guess I’m just posting to say, I know how it feels. It isn’t that strange to feel that way.

He might have done other drugs too. I’m just talking about the “coma inducing drug”.

😦

My life – June 2006

Entries from my paper journal. To read previous paper entries, click on the “Paper Thoughts” tag on the sidebar.

June 4, 2006

Sick. Couldn’t get Elixir. Feel better after relaxing all day yesterday. I hadn’t done that in a while. Still have stuffy nose, of course. I hope tomorrow is better. Cold-ezze doesn’t help once the cold is already 100% there…I think.

————–
June 6, 2006

If It makes them happy, it can’t be that bad. ha! I ordered Demi a birthday gift. I wish I would have given her a gift card instead. That would have been practical but I don’t want to pay the extra $5.95. They have silly rules. Whatever. I hope she enjoys the book. I hope she really wanted it.

————–
June 8, 2006

1. Get a part-time job.
2. Start paralegal classes.
3. Start business.

Pick one. Any one. Do I need more options? Am I missing something? My life. My choice. Can I choose two? I don’t think so. I need to concentrate on one. I want to start in mid-August/September. Planning starts NOW. I need to find that “10 Questions” book. Will the school thing just delay me or is it “the answer”? I know what it seems like.

I want answers. The answer is probably a full-time job. Not a better full-time job. I’m not even full time now. Argh. I have to get out. I will get out. I hate for my hair to be the determining factor. Nah, it won’t be. I will just wear a wig. Easy.

———–
June 28, 2006

Here at the beach. So anti-climatic, I guess. I don’t know what I expected.

When is anxiety valid? Shouldn’t I be worried about my car? Isn’t that a decent concern? Am I crazy for considering going to the beach without a rental car? I hope not.

what would a buddhist do?

…about everything. but mainly about my coworker saying i was only still employed because we are so backed up. she said they would get rid of me once they can train others to do what we do. that would probably be about at least 3-6 months from now. to make matters worse, she is one of the people i was supposed to go to lunch with.

well i’m sure that won’t be happening. that’s GREAT news. 🙂 i don’t need something else to stress over.

i know i shouldn’t believe her, however she is tight aka friends with the manager. so she could have inside info. or she could just be gossiping….i really hate that the two people i sit near are buddy buddy with the manager. i don’t do office politics. ::shocker::

i miss my old desk. i wasn’t surrounded by people. it does interfere with my focus. when i get overwhelmed (because I’m given something new or something i don’t know) i tend to lash out at whatever or whoever is there. i mean, i don’t make a sound but i get so agitated. imagine a person on 8 cups of coffee.

sigh. so what would a buddhist do?
-probably not acknowledge what was heard
-continue to work hard
-NEVER GIVE UP
-meditate during lunch -i haven’t done that in 3 weeks
-don’t live as if that is going to happen (the hardest one for me)

in summary, don’t have these ‘i’m getting fired laid off’ thoughts in my head. i need to somehow free myself of these thoughts.
———–

carmen
carmen
i tried to follow a hip hop carmen electra dance video. omg, beginners should not even think of starting off with that. i won’t be signing up for a hip hop class anytime soon. back to carmen. I’ve loved her since “baywatch”. 😉 yep i have a little crush on her. she’s a professional dancer (among other things).

anyway the music carmen used was real hip hop (from the 90s) and i barely had enough room to do much of anything. i did do some of it and i was tired and dehydrated afterwards. it is a great workout for people familiar with choreographed dancing. She has a bunch of dvds that i won’t be buying/renting anytime soon.

i guess i need to stick to pop. maybe one day i can’t get over my anxiety and take a beginner’s pop dance class. orwhateverthatwouldbecalled
————
i have to go iron. blah.

dancing in my panties

SCREAM

I was asked out to go to lunch!!!!11111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is perfectly normal in this department. However, I don’t even talk to the two women. I don’t talk to anyone…

I’m nervous. scared. anxious. what do i say? see i know that everything i say will get back around the department. i’m the only one they know NOTHING about. i could tell you their life stories. it’s bad enough having to worry about what to say to THEM but knowing that what i say to them will get back…my stomach is doing cartwheels right now. fuck, i hate this crap.

———–
i spent 2 hours dancing yesterday. i sorta feel like i was on a cheer team with the whole counting thing. 1,2,3,4. my god. i wish i had it on dvd but even if i did i wouldn’t do it at home (long story). anyhow, even if i didn’t follow all the steps because i couldn’t..lol. it is still a workout. just moving for 2 hours is what’s important.

the music wasn’t great. the country music was so cheesy but the steps were a little easier to remember. the pop one was all around better. it was a far better workout and the music was tolerable. the dvd i want is a hip hop dance/exercise dvd. the music better not suck! 🙂 i’ll mention the name and do a mini review when i get it.

i have always enjoyed dancing. no, i’m not good at it. my first memories of trying to follow choreographed dancing is janet jackson’s “if” video. i can still do the moves today even though i haven’t seen the video in forever. i did learn a few of britney spears’ videos but mostly i feel like i made up better stuff than her choreography. the good ol’ days.


yay for youtube! i actually have it on vhs. lol. this video changed a lot of people’s lives.

i could dance forever although now i yearn to dance with structure. it is much more of a workout to dance to the philly 76ers routines than just random moves. my biggest issue is to dance without counting. i can’t go fast, count and dance at the same time. and the whole counting to 8 and then starting over. ahhhhh. too much for my mind to take. i would love to get really good at it. i’m definitely a beginner.

i’m also trying to think of a place to dance..that is another entry.
————
i do feel a little bad for how michael phelps’ hometown is throwing him under the bus. he wants to chill at home. let him be. the bong jokes must be hard on his family…i keep thinking ‘what if they are listening to this?’

on the other hand, THIS GUY HAD A DUI. hello, he already had a “second chance”. on that level i don’t feel bad for him at all. people forgot what happened before the Olympics. i think he deserves the loss of sponsorships and whatever is coming his way. i don’t wish that on him but he deserves to suffer the consequences. i just want people to remember this guy has had several warnings.