I walked off an old me

UPDATE: STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESS! Marianne Willaimson is thinking about running for president! AHH. I met her and have a personalized autograph from her. No big deal. Fuck, yeah. I still like Beto.

First, I’m SO glad Amazon didn’t come here. They are going to be about an hour and a half away. Some people think the people in Northern VA are going to move down here*. I didn’t think of that. Oh well. The major drawback from them moving here is traffic. That is why I don’t visit them as often as I would – traffic!

*The ones without the fancy Amazon jobs.

Anyway, I’m glad Amazon isn’t here because it would drive up rent (and other things) and a lot of people here would HAVE TO move. They would be forced out. I would move to the rural part of the state. That is where I’m planning to live in about four years anyway. But other people don’t want to move, and I don’t think it’s right for a huge company to force them out.  Let Crystal City or National Landing deal with that shit. Some of them are elitist anyhow. LOL.

Um, yay for the people getting the excellent Amazon jobs. Not saying I’m not thinking about looking at their job openings. But my car is over ten years old, so I can’t get there quickly. I would have to move there. No, thank you.

In semi-good news, I lost 6 pounds!! It is an anxiety diet. Not a stress diet. I can eat when I’m just stressed, but not stressed AND nervous. I can’t eat a thing when I’m nervous. That’s pretty common, right? Since I’ve moved, I have not eaten a regular day of meals. I’m so anxious while living here…ugh. I would feel way worse about this if I couldn’t stand to lose 20 pounds. If I were 110 pounds, I would be worried.

And my dad is moving in for about 2-3 months, in less than 10 days. I kid you not. This can’t get any worse. If it gets worse, I’m going to request to go back to working in the office. I have to put my work first. I don’t care that I’m not eating. I care about my work!

My mom is no longer working for now, so she’s home ALL DAY. I work from home, so I’m home all day. She’s loud. Loud noises make me nervous. Hence, why I can’t eat. However, she will be working part-time soon. 20 hours a week. Unfortunately, she probably won’t start until mid-December. I have to get better at work ASAP.

I’m also using my mom’s treadmill every other day. So, not eating due to nervousness and doing a little working out = maybe weight loss? I’ll see

Anyway…I really think Marianne William is running for Prez! I keep checking my email. The announcement was supposed to happen today. Hmmm. I am so going on Instagram and posting a pic of her and me with a caption of saying me with the future president. 🙂

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Pistol Annies, Maggie Rogers, Ariana Grande, Robyn, Chris Stapleton, Britney Spears, Fifth Harmony, Cardi B

TV of the week:  Nashville, Making a Murderer

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: All in With Chris Hayes, True Crime Garage, Pod Save America, Why is This Happening?, The Lowe Post

Pod Save America is my new favorite podcast.

Books of the week: Now reading –

Plans for the Weekend: Cleaning up the old house. And I plan on driving to the landfill to dump some of my stuff off so I won’t have to pay a ton to the junk removers. I can’t move the sofas to the landfill on my own. I’m also going grocery shopping which will be interesting since I’m not eating. Should I use this opportunity to not buy much food and save money? Since I haven’t eaten much this week, I have some food for next week.

I’m finally getting back to doing tarot readings. I have one to do this weekend, but I didn’t understand her question. Sigh. I hope she responds back because it is a career question and I LOVE doing career readings, but the way she worded it was strange. Sometimes I’m too shy to ask for clarification, but I want to do a good job so I had to question her.

Thanks so much for reading. Have an excellent weekend! 🙂

 

 

 

Only I can mention me

I feel like a broken record. But I want to update my life without Abilify. I am also without Klonopin (treatment for anxiety) due to my damn doctor. I’m sick of this shit. I really am.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t afford Abilify after January 1. I’m not going to pay hundreds for it because I can’t afford it. If I could afford it, I would pay it. Because it is worth it. Trust me.

Depression sucks. I sort of forgot because I haven’t been really depressed since I started Abilify. I have had anxiety issues and panic attacks. Abilify doesn’t cure that (for me). I wish it did. Luckily, I’m not in a situation where I have to be that concerned about anxiety. It does affect my life, but since I have moved into this house, I’m at peace while I’m at home. That’s a blessing.

Yeah, I don’t have much else to talk about other than the depression because depression takes over your life. It is everything.

Wednesday is the day I get to see my doctor. The one that caused all this shit!!! Not only did he try to switch me off Abilify, but he also didn’t approve my Klonopin for mail order, and that is why I have none.  I’m going to try to get samples of Abilify if he has them. I need something NOW.

He tried to switch me off Abilify because he wanted me to be less depressed. ROFL. What? I don’t have friends. I don’t have a real support system. I have financial issues. And he expected me to be happy? WTF? Shouldn’t he know better?  He’s a doctor! For me to be as happy as Sue is NEVER going to happen. Sue has help and support. That makes life a hell of a lot easier.

I’m not going to be perky Sue. Not going to happen. Does anyone know any happy people with severe social anxiety? ANYONE? So why did he try to change my medicine in the first place? I was fine before. Not happy go lucky Sue fine. But fine FOR ME.

I  started feeling irritable and angry on Sunday. Very angry. This could be a side effect of NOT being on Klonopin. I don’t think it is due to the lack of Abilify. Anyway, I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with other people right now. It would be so much worse if I had to deal with other human beings.

I’m ticked off at everyone. I have little patience. I always say I hate people, but now I really do. LOL. This is why it is important for me to live by myself. I just can’t with people. I can barely tolerate my dog. I have been yelling at him more than usual. 😦 I’m so glad I don’t have kids. This would be bad for them.

Right now, I’m feeling okay because it is night time. I still can’t eat breakfast. I’m not even going to try to eat breakfast until I get back on Abilify. I’m wasting food, coffee, and time. I’m only working a half day tomorrow. yay. And since I’m not eating breakfast I get to get up 40 minutes later than usual.

I’m going to go now. Just an update. An Abilify-less life is a sad life (for me).

Tried to hide it, fake it

All this horrible news today…

My mind should be on the big exam but all I can think of is the work party/gathering. In case a coworker is reading this entry, I’m only going because our manager threatened us. Remember? She threatened us about the Xmas party (that I didn’t go to). I feel like I have to go AND I haven’t met the new manager yet. That is the second reason I’m going.

I know they are going to question why I came. Who goes to a party and doesn’t talk? ACK! It isn’t going to be a typical party. I wouldn’t be going if it was. I would just wait until the next gathering. I have never been to a normal party. This is taking place at a restaurant. I assume we will be sitting most/all the time. GOD, this is going to be so awkward. Why am I going? But a restaurant gathering seems much easier than a regular party. No one can hit me with food.

I’m going to this “party” and then I’m not going anywhere for at least 6 months. That means no holiday gatherings for me. One and done? Probably…especially if it goes bad. I need to stop thinking about it. After the boards, I will have more time to worry/focus on it. lol.

I’m cramming for the boards but I’m also knitting  while watching TV to calm my nerves. How much studying can be done? I will study for an hour or two tonight.  I have panic attack nightmares about the boards. What if I have a panic attack? AHHH!  Overwhelm. Overwhelm. Next topic.

I really want/need to go to the dentist but I can’t afford it. I do have an okay dental plan. It isn’t as good as the one I used to have. Anyway, none of the dentists I can use are in my network. I need a dentist with anesthesia services (due to my severe anxiety). It would possibly cost me $1000? Ouch. I can’t do that. My plan will probably cover some of the cleaning but none of the anesthesia.

Another thing about the dentist is that I would need someone to drive me. WAHHHHHHHHHHH! Woe is me. It pays to have friends. So what do I do? I hate the rules but I get it. My mom doesn’t drive and she takes care of her mom so she can’t be the one. I was thinking of hiring someone on craigslist but HELL NO. I would feel so awkward with a stranger. Perhaps I could do a posting asking for a home health aide? They are used to working with strangers. Or maybe I can take a cab with my mom one day if she can find someone to take of her mom. Blah. It doesn’t matter now due to the cost.

 

believers

I blogged about this article in my social anxiety blog.

Social Anxiety Disorder in the Workplace This is me. This is my story. One thing that really got me was the following:

Too often, the research shows, employees with this are more likely to be terminated by companies.

“It’s easier to get rid of somebody who nobody knows very well. They don’t play on the softball team or don’t eat lunch with their co-workers,” according to Himmler. “It’s hard for them to demonstrate value because people with Social Anxiety Disorder have trouble sharing their accomplishments. And when they make mistakes, it’s very difficult for them to tell others about them. So mistakes get repeated.”

His research shows that employees who leave the workforce because of social anxiety have a more difficult time returning to work than people with alcoholism or depression.

Because it has happened to me. But I’m working now. What about everyone else? If you think unemployment is high for “normal” people. What do you think it is for people with social anxiety? I can’t help but get frustrated.

I can’t find the article now but there was this great piece on how Royce White, a NBA player with general anxiety, OCD ,and  PTSD is fined for not showing up to a team thing but Derrick Rose who has an injured leg is given months and months to heal. Both are seeing doctors regularly and “rehabbing” but just because Rose’s injury is PHYSICAL, it is okay for him to miss time. You have a mental issue: You’re fired. I’m sure most people are fine with this but I’m not.

Just suck it up. Exercise more. —- worked for me, it would work for you. Smoke weed (lol). Don’t smoke weed (I agree for me). Don’t take medicine, take herbs instead. etc, etc. All these people think they know what is best for EVERYONE. They think there is a simple solution. For some there are simple solutions, for others that is not so. Everyone is different. When will people learn? Never. I know.

Anyhow, I hope Royce White is not fired. I hope the NBA works out for him. I think they are still trying to work things out. But the NBA (like most people) don’t have a lot of patience for mental illness. I wish him the best.

————–

Okay, I haven’t done Project Real Life in 3 weeks. So here goes. I have no idea whether that link works for people not in the class. PRL is a class by Becky Higgins.

Last week’s topic was Nuturing Your Inner Homemaker. Well I can’t wait to do that once I move. One thing I can’t get out of my mind is how anxious I will be being alone for the first time in the apartment. I should probably plan something to do because otherwise I will go nuts. I probably won’t have TV or internet. No distractions. Scary.

Anyhow, I do yearn to make my next place a home. I sorta, kinda did it with my house but it eventually got too cluttered. I did well for about 2-3 years. Then deep depression took over and even though it got better (thanks to Abilify), I could never get the place clean again. I went back to the house 2 weeks ago and it was just so cold and empty. I couldn’t go back there if I wanted to.

So my main goal is just a clutter free place. Of course I wish I could buy the stuff I wanted. I saw this nice Buddha statue for $25. I couldn’t justify buying it but it would make my living room so complete.  I’ll just settle for clutter free. I also wished I cooked more (only because it would be healthier). I don’t know. That might happen.

I did buy a trunk/ottoman from Ross which I will be using as a coffee table. I can’t use a regular coffee table. I would just put stuff on it.

my new coffee table

I wanted it in brown but they didn’t have one. When you open my “coffee table”, it looks like this:

The place has hardwood floors downstairs so I brought that small rug for my office chair. Don’t worry I have the receipt in case I don’t move!

Speaking of Project Life. My mom wanted to re-size a few photos so I printed a few of my photos along with hers and I will have a couple of layouts to post soon. Well not so soon. I used slow ass Shutterfly so I say in about 10 days I will post my next layouts. I’m focusing more on pop culture/news then my own life these days. I’ll go into it more when I post the actual layouts.

What I really need to be doing is concentrating on actually moving. I am supposed to move in 25 days. Have I done anything? ugh. I have moved so many times, It isn’t even a big deal to me. The longest place I stayed was at my house for 5 years. Before that I moved every year. I have to get on the ball over the holiday. I’m working overtime on Friday for half a day. Yay! (not sarcasm)

Sweet Life

How could I turn my music passion into a job? Well I could photograph musicians while they are in concert! Just an idea. hmmmm. I would like that. This entry will be all over the place because I’m really tired and cannot focus.

I was thinking about getting a certificate from the museum since I can’t get my master’s in art without having an awesome portfolio. Not that I can afford getting a master’s degree. LOL. But assuming my job will still pay for a class or two, I could try to get into school before my job is outsourced. I would focus on jewelry making. (Master’s in Fine Arts with a concentration in jewelry making – to be exact). But now I’m thinking about the whole photography thing. I absolutely love taking and sharing photos but who doesn’t? I have too many interests.

Anyway, to get any certificate the museum would require me to take Drawing 101 which kind of terrifies me. I’m interested in it but what if I really suck? I would have to show my drawings to people. Scary. I would definitely try drawing on my own before taking that. They have a wonderful photography program, of course. But when it comes to jewelry making, they don’t offer much. I would have to get my certificate in “mixed media”. So far they only offer one jewelry class. 😦 And that is the class I’m taking next month. So I would have to take electives like quilting which I would love to know how to do since I can’t sew but it has nothing to do with jewelry making. Hmm.

I don’t know. Should I just go into photography? Is that a form of settling because they don’t offer more jewelry classes? I know these are first world concerns. I know. It isn’t a real problem. I just wish they had jewelry classes because I want to make a killer portfolio. Maybe I will skip the certificate idea all together and just do my own thing. That is less expensive. Then I could skip out on the drawing class. So if I like the jewelry class, I will probably take a photography class next. Next won’t be for a while because I’m going back to school in January to take my last class for my other certificate. I resent it so much so I should just let it go. HOWEVER, I only have one class left. One expensive class. (5 credits). I will begrudgingly finish what I started. Oh, and it doesn’t end there. I have to take a hard test to get certified. yipee! Sigh.

I’m just blogging out loud.

I love my digital camera. I’ve had it for 5 years. hahah. It is old. A digital SLR camera is recommend for the intermediate photography class. Yeah, I don’t have that. The one I’m looking at cost almost $500. The Canon EOS Rebel T3 Digital SLR . So many things would have to happen before I drop $500 on a camera! So many things would have NOT to happen. Oh my.

Niiiiiiiiiice.

I had my monthly therapy session and I was caught reading The Fire Starter Sessions. I’ve had the book for a while but reading it while in school for something you don’t even like is kind of depressing. So I stopped reading it. Now I’m back with it. It is an inspiring book. Great quotes. I love quotes. Not your typical self help book. Anyhow, my therapist wanted to know what the book was about and why I was reading. I just rambled on about making my own jewelry and selling it online. I don’t know. It’s weird reading these books when you’re not 100% sure what you want to do. Like I said, too many interests. Another book that inspired me is The Barefoot Executive. If you want to work at home on your on terms, you should start there.

My  therapist has no idea how to help me. I can’t be helped. The problem is that I have general anxiety. That means anxiety about everything. BUT the only two anxieties that really affect me are social anxiety and noise anxiety. She can’t do anything about the noise anxiety or she’s just not interested in it. heh. And the social anxiety is only a problem to me when it affects making a living. Of course I could be doing and making more if I didn’t have SA but right now those aren’t my main concerns. Noise anxiety is the thing that is causing me the most stresses right now. And also just regular, overwhelming cant’t-take-a-day-off work stuff. Unlike most people with SA, I’m not dying for contact with people. So I guess she is like uh, WTF? lol. I’m not lonely. I don’t want to date. I’m just trying to survive. All that other stuff seems like extracurricular activities to me.

I’m just rambling now. My brain is fried. I’ve been “learning” stuff all day. So whatever. haha. 🙂 I’m out.

I can only imagine

*I* don’t hate privilege. I do hate when people lie about it or act like it doesn’t matter. They are lying to themselves. Maybe it is subconscious. It makes them feel good. I WORKED FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!11!!!!!! Okay, dude no one is saying you did nothing but you had a tremendous amount of help, right? It’s not right to compare a privileged person with a person of no extra means.

Example: I know a girl who got money from her mom to start a business. She was somewhere from 18-22 years old when she started her business. I have no idea whether her business is doing well now. My point is, she got the money. Own it. She had an advantage in this thing called life.

I’m sure compared to some soul, I have advantages. (G-d bless that person. Oh, and I’m only talking about America here to keep it simple).

Example: It costs at minimum of $1800 for me to take a class that will help me get certified. Do you think I’m taking that class? LOL. The class is a great advantage for people who can afford it.

This is how real life works. People with means have access to more things that get them further ahead. And people wonder why it is so hard to get out of the lower/working class. (Look at the stats).

To me this seems obvious. But when I hear people talk sometimes – I’m starting to believe they really don’t get it. People don’t hate Romneny for being rich. It is because he has no freaking clue what it is like to NOT be privileged. One doesn’t have to grow up poor to get it, they have to have empathy. *GASP*

Like I just said, all people aren’t clueless. I know one person from a privileged background who always tells people to “get rich parents” when asked how to get into that profession. 😉 That is the honesty I value. Yes it is possible to make it from the lower ranks. There are stories like that everywhere. But don’t tell me that having advantages like rich parents or parents/spouses who know people, is not a tremendous help. Talk about a hand out. (Did she just go there? No she didn’t!)

I’m just sayin’ 🙂

————-

It is so nice to have a name for something. I have generalized anxiety AKA anxiety about everything. I have this noise problem that gets worse when I’m anxious and/or depressed. It is always there. (Unfortunately) But it gets worse at times. I get paralyzed by the noise. I start breathing rapidly. My heart rate quickens. And then I just stop. For example, if I’m working and I hear a noise BAM! everything stop. First I stop breathing. Then I remind my self to breathe and I breathe too quickly. It is sort of like a panic attack but I freeze more than hyperventilate…if that makes sense.

It has gotten so bad recently due to my living situation + the depression, I decided to Google it. Actually I Binged it. I’m a Bing chick. Anyhow I found some great info on noise anxiety. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I’m not supposed to be happy about that. It sucks. It really does. But I’m not the only one. It has a name. Bummer, that I didn’t find a cure though. 😦

Best links:

Wearing earplugs made my noise anxiety worse. I would not recommend long usage of earplugs during the day. However, I am thinking of using them at night so I can sleep longer. I haven’t used earplugs in years. I’m kind of apprehensive about it. I think I will try them again for one night. If it makes things worse or doesn’t work than I’ll stop using them.

So many people with noise anxiety seem to think they are alone. Trust me, you are not. It can be debilitating especially in work situations. After all I am supposed to be working, yet I’m frozen. For now I am going to do deep breathing and other CBT techniques which didn’t really work today. haha. But I tried. 🙂

Don’t think

Why is Entourage in syndication? And why did I have to find it? I’ve spent the past two Saturdays vegging out at 8PM and watching the Entourage marathon on VH1. They leave the word “shit” in after a certain time. Anyhow, I’ve been missing college football and SNL over Entourage repeats. Missing football is inexcusable. And Anne Hathaway (love her) was on SNL last night*. I missed 90% of it because I couldn’t take my eyes off Entourage. I used to think the show was overrated but good. 30 Rock is better and wittier…but now I find myself laughing hysterically at Jeremy Piven’s (Ari Gold) character. And Kevin Connolly (E) is the best actor on the show. He has the perfect reactions. IMO, he is the heart of the show. Compared to the other 3 in the ‘entourage’ he should win an Oscar. No offense meant. 🙂 I think he will be nominated one day.

*No I don’t have one of those fancy DVR/Tivo thingies.

Why am I talking about TV when my blood pressure is 135 (over something) NOT 130 like I previously posted. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Who cares? I want to die right? Is it the job or is the general/social anxiety catching up with me? My BP in June was normal so maybe it is nothing. I don’t know

I’m also considering checking myself into an inpatient behavioral health facility. It would do wonders for this blog. I haven’t checked my stats in months because it was depressing but I bet I would get hits then. I know someone at work is reading (Hi!). Checking into a psych ward is easier than making friends, dating, maintaining my own business etc. Easy is the wrong word. However, I sorta know the steps. I can’t do it now. I’m supposed to start school in January. So let’s say I really want to do this, I would do it in the fall of 2011.

Woah, let me back up. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? Because what if this is really a chance to be normal? What if I could possibly have a regular life??? I don’t want to believe this is possible. I don’t even know what I’d do…besides have a really good time visiting Mexico. (Yes Mexico would have to be delayed).

The bad thing is missing work and paying for it. If I do it I have to do it while I have health insurance. Inpatient would be $1800 max for one stay. I don’t think there is a limit. If someone needed 120 days for a serious physical/mental illness, it would still be $1800. That is with insurance and not including taxes, btw. I have no idea how the outpatient thing works. I know it has to be 6 hours a day. That would work better for me but would it cost more? And could I still work a few hours a day and get short term disability?

I know these answers aren’t hard to find but I dunno…If I have a chance at a normal life, I think I should go for it. But the cost is high. I’m not just talking about money. There will also be pressure. I would tell as few people as possible. But what if it doesn’t work? What if my insurance company only gives me X number of days/hours? What if I lose my job after the stay? (Yes I know that is illegal but I’m not that naïve). I find it bothersome that EVERY person at my job that has ever taken short term leave, has NOT come back. These are only people I know about…oh wait, one woman with cancer did come back to work. But the people with the hush-hush illnesses just disappeared.

I’m writing about this in my paper journal also. These are just initial thoughts. I may never do it. Or maybe I will see if going to my counselor more frequently will help? My SA is too severe for just meds and talking to a psychologist but what if there is something I’m missing?

The thought of being normal is so overwhelming. And I hate to say my cat is also a factor but she is. My cat doesn’t even like me. LOL. She doesn’t like other cats either so I don’t take it too personally. Sometimes she is sweet. I think she is bitter about being dropped off at the animal shelter when she was 2 years old. She stayed there for over 4 months. Then I adopted her. I’ve been bitten and scratched a few times. She is so much like me. Well I don’t bite humans because I’m scared of them but I totally would if I could. (?)

Oh the cat issue is that I cannot take her to the vet or ANYWHERE. She will not allow anyone to pick her up. So if I were to do inpatient care, I have no idea what I’d do with her. The only option I know is trapping her. But since I can’t get her to the vet, she won’t have her rabies shot. (She is an indoor cat). Isn’t that illegal? FUCK.

Main issues:

1. cost ($)/making less money
2. missing work
3. cat
4. do I have to tell my mom? (If inpatient – YES – there would be no way around that one)
5. if it doesn’t work, I wasted money and could have gone to Mexico instead