I do my own flavor

COUNTDOWN: 3 days until my birthday beach vacation!!

But first, I have so many people I want to go off on. FUCKING JERKS. I’ll be over this in an hour or less. When someone helps you and they show no concern when you have a problem…what a bitch! Bitch is too nice of a word, but it seems appropriate in this case. Sigh. Don’t respond “OK” to a text message, bitch when someone specifically asks for help. I never wanted to call someone the C word before, but that’s how I feel about her right now. Vile, disgusting prick. What a &^%. No wonder you are where you are. I totally get it now.

I was so angry when I first type the above paragraph. But I tapped on it. I never use EFT on anger, because I’m rarely that angry. It worked. I might tap on it again before I go to bed though. I want a clear mind.

Number 2 pales so much in comparison. It’s just a pet peeve. Stop with this, “Spending $5.00 on a cup of coffee a day BS”. People in my family – I can give names and addresses if you like – can’t afford to buy coffee from Starbucks every day. That whole stereotype is reserved for middle-class people who call themselves poor. SO annoying and insulting to poor people in America. Some poor people live in houses, some are homeless. Do middle-class people even know this? They act like no one is REALLY broke. Just because all the people in your nondiverse friend group can afford coffee, doesn’t mean everyone can.

And some people go around saying “I grew up poor” and then you find out both of their parents had decent jobs. No, they weren’t rich, but they had a household income of at least $60,000 a year. That’s not poor. I don’t care if you grew up in San Fran. HAHA. I grew up poor for 10 years of my childhood. I can tell you what poor is. My mom and her 7 siblings slept in a car (not their whole childhood), they can tell you what poor REALLY is. Stop lying. Stop pretending. Stop romanticizing being poor. You didn’t grow up poor. You don’t have any poor friends. That’s why you think EVERYONE can afford a $5 cup of coffee.

/end rant

Look at how different things would be if Stacey Abrams had won in Georgia. No heartbeat abortion bill. But voting doesn’t matter. :/ Anyway, she should run for president. I’ve studied her. I know her record. Someone called her unremarkable. LOL. Do they know what she’s accomplished? She couldn’t do much with all the Republicans in Georgia, but she has a decent resume. Obviously, I want to vote for her. I read about 6 weeks ago that she was going to make a decision in September. Um, nope! She has to be at the debate in June. I know she does her own thing, but I hope she doesn’t wait.

I don’t know what happened with Sandra Bland. Only a few people really know. I was always 50/50 on whether she committed suicide. People are always saying things like, “She had no reason to kill herself. She had a new job”. Or the person was a happy person. He/she would never kill herself. I get why the family and friends would say that. But people (especially strangers) that say things like that clearly know nothing about suicide. Only a low percentage of suicidal people tell people. Was she depressed and being wrongly held in jail the last straw? It’s possible.

I’ve read a lot of books on cops doing bad things. I haven’t trusted the police or prosecutors Kamala Harris since I started following the legal system. Yes, I do believe the officer (officers?) could have killed her. How sad. It’s sad either way. The family took a 2 million dollar settlement so some things might can’t be legally looked into. I don’t blame the family for taking the settlement. I would have too because how many times do cops get punished?

Weird transition. Um, my beach trip? The weather is supposed to be beautiful. No rain and 80 degrees. Not too hot. Yay. I’m worried about my dog though. It’s a large hotel with about 14 floors. We have a balcony. I usually spend my time when not on the beach on the balcony, but what happens if he hears a dog bark? The horror. He will go off. I’m hoping there aren’t a lot of dogs there. Will he behave on the balcony? I will have him on a leash while he is on the balcony. We have to take the elevator unless we are on one of the lower levels. My dog might go insane. He might bark at strangers…on a tiny elevator. F^5$#.

Speaking of my dog. He is definitely loyal. On Tuesday, two people were walking as my dog, and I were trying to get back home from our daily lunch walk. The guy started talking about my “long legs.” FUCK YOU. No, I didn’t say that. I don’t call people trash. I don’t even think about calling people trash, but now I believe that people that “street harass” people are pretty much trash. Oh, what did my dog do? He went nuts after they kept on talking. LOL. He started barking at them (a man and a woman) and running towards them! Then the guy said something about my dog acting crazy or something.

Yes, I do have long legs. I’m 5’6″ with extremely long legs. Haha. Teachers would tell me that I should be a model! Yes, teachers. You know kids would never say something that could be perceived as friendly. Not that I want to be a model. I think fame sucks in general, but I have always felt worse for the models. Long story. Anyway, I don’t appreciate being talked about. TRASH. Like I said on twitter, no touching, no talking, no whistling, etc. What type of people talk about other people’s bodies within hearing distance? TRASH. People not worth my time.

Election 2020: Wow, Marianne has enough people to support her to participate in the debate. The CNN townhall really helped her. BUT they are going to keep changing the rules because 20+ people are running. So Marianne still might not make it. She’s going to be in DC this weekend. I was going to go, but I have to get ready for my trip. I’ve already seen her live once. And I got a picture with her, and she signed my book! Totally rad. 🙂

Re: Stacey Abrams again. It probably would be better if she and others ran for the Senate. She has a better chance of winning the Senate than winning the presidency. What if all these peeps running for president totally fuck up the Senate? Not that the Dems will take over the Senate anyway. But now they will probably have no chance. Bummer. :/

I’m still watching hardly any news, but I did see an hour or two earlier this week and, all they talked about was how Pete Buttigieg is having a hard time connecting with blacks. I read he was begging the white audience in South Carolina to bring black people. If the majority of blacks are in bed with Biden (HOPE NOT), then everyone else will have a hard time. I read one poll that said older black women really like Biden. That’s all I know. The black women on Twitter know better though. LOL. I’ve been reading some of those tweets and loving them. 😉

This week I…

Music of the week: Tori Kelly, Marren Morris, Aretha Franklin, Ariana Grande, Maggie Rogers, Kesha, Rachel Platten, Kesha

TV of the week:  NBA Playoffs, How to Get Away With Murder, Vanderpump Rules

I’m watching the Rockets vs. Warriors. I feel bad rooting for the Warriors because I almost always root for the underdog. I don’t like either team. I don’t hate them either so…whatevs? If the Rockets win, they’ll be a game 7. So I guess I’m rooting for the Rockets tonight. I can’t wait until my teams do well enough to get to the playoffs (Lakers and Wizards).

Movie of the week: Knock Down the House. It’s a political documentary. It features Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and 2-3 other women running for the House. It was good. I recommend it to news junkies and recovering news junkies like myself. The way people talked about it, I thought it was only about AOC.

Podcasts of the week:  Pod Save America, True Crime Garage, Fresh Air, The Lowe Post

Books of the week: Now reading – 

Weekend Plans: I got my Hello Fresh meals. I will probably cook the burgers and broccoli this weekend. I might cook the meatloaf and take it with me on the trip. Not sure. I’m working tomorrow and then I have a Skype meeting with S for a tarot class. I guess I should prepare for that tonight. Feeling a little overwhelmed with all I have to do. But I have 75% of my stuff packed.

What else? I’m getting my oil changed on Monday. Then I’m supposed to have a 2-3 hour (!!!) astrology reading, but I haven’t heard back from him in 3 weeks. I’ll email him tonight. I have no idea how organized he is. He seems so laid back. I was shocked to find out he is an Aries. He seems like a Pisces. After the reading, I’m taking my mom out to eat for Mother’s Day. Between my birthday and that, I might gain 3 pounds. I hope not. :/

Thanks for reading. I always feel like I’m leaving a bunch out. LOL. I just had therapy and I can’t even mention it due to the length of this post. I know my entries are long. Maybe I will blog twice a week? Not sure. I know I won’t commit to it. I might do a short blog during my vacation. Anyway, have a great weekend. And enjoy my birthday. ROFL. 🙂 🙂

let’s focus on the hate

I just got robbed at Subway…yet I said nothing. I had a gift card that paid for about 30% of it and that is why I said “whatever”. I also got charged $2.00 extra at the work cafeteria. I said nothing. Now you wonder why I’m angry? 🙂 I vowed to never go into the work cafe again…but one day I was almost falling asleep at my desk. and I foolishly “needed” coffee. I didn’t even drink all of it. There is no good reason to be ‘eating out’ but that’s another entry.

One more random thing: Any person who says, “Everyone had a bad childhood” did not have one. It is on my list of things that perceptive people just don’t say. Everyone isn’t smoking weed or having sex or doing whatever you are doing. It is what people say to make themselves feel better. Were you raped/molested as a child? Did you see your parents get shot in front of you? How dare you say you had a terrible childhood? (judgment) Are you kidding me???? Seriously?! Keep in my mind, I would NEVER say this to a person and belittle their childhood experience but to say “everyone had a bad childhood” is a crock of shit. Everyone may think they did…which baffles me. but whatever. I could do a whole entry on this.

edited to add: I know the above comes across as harsh. It’s like saying, “Everyone was teased”. Um, there is a difference between being teased by your “friends” and being so afraid to get on the school bus every single day because you know it is going to be bad.

I HATE PEOPLE. I MOTHERFUCKING HATE THEM.

I think that has been established through this blog in several ways. I also hate heavy traffic, more than 6 inches of snow, the cold, baseball, the Pittsburgh Steelers and grasshoppers.

It’s okay to hate people* (in my world – haha). I know people who hate people but have friends/acquaintances. The problem FOR ME is when I take this out on someone. This person isn’t 100% innocent but still…Dude, I have to get over my ANGER. I’m not about to fight anyone or anything. My anger doesn’t manifest that way. (Thank Buddha or I would be out of a job).

*Of course it is probably better for yourself if you don’t. In fact I know it is.

This is 100% my issue. The problem is that I thought this person was totally opposite of what he/she is. Don’t you hate when you think someone is admirable and then you find out they aren’t? I know I’m not supposed to look UP to others but I think/thought some people were cool. What’s wrong with admiring someone? You know what is wrong with that? YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW THEM. They put on a facade!

Okay. It is a SHE. She is a normal person with a mean side. *GASP* Can it get any worse? (I’m being a little sarcastic). I thought she was smart (judgment), different (judgment), perceptive (judgment), and nice. All judgments. She may be smart but boy, did she let me down on the others. Yes this is my issue, my fault. I should have never had her on a pedestal….especially without knowing her.

I’m angry at myself because even though I intellectually know the above, I refuse to accept it! WTF is wrong with me. We weren’t even friends so why should I even care who she is?????????????

Now I can’t stand being around her. I radiate anger….when she is around. Tension. Anger. Hate. I’m not PMSing. Some of this may due to stopping the Wellbutrin suddenly. That is always a major no-no. You could get really depressed, have physical symptoms or GET ANGRY. But I couldn’t take it without gagging so for me it wasn’t a choice.

So many things bother me about this.

1. If she were (in my opinion) innocent, I think I could find someway to curb the anger. I have tried. This has been going on for at least 3 days. I mean the strong hate. I have tried acting like she isn’t there but then she laughs and I get irrationally angry. I’m embarrassed. I should be. I have never experienced something like this before because normally I could avoid the person.

2. I can’t get over how she “really” is. I want to call her an evil bitch. Even though it isn’t true. LOL. No, I don’t want to say it to her. I mean in my mind I feel that way about her even though I know it isn’t true. She just isn’t who I thought she was. That’s it. I need to get over it. (But how? I’m trying…I need something by tomorrow. Thanks).

3. Why is all my anger going towards her? Is it just because I didn’t think she was “one of them”? How can I get that angry over that? Perhaps I was really idealizing her. Wow.

I’m not done with this. I can’t find my paper journal and the only way I can process anything is to write it down. Actually I’m only typing and typing isn’t as cathartic as writing. So this hasn’t helped much.

I would love to go on but I have to mow my lawn for the first time since last August. This is long overdue. But it kept raining, then homework etc. So I’ve got to do it now. 😦 At least I get some exercise. It is almost 80 degrees out there. I’m really procrastinating, huh?

nothing left to lose

I wish I would just die. What is the point of living? What is the point of living without being happy? I’ve been asking these questions since…forever. I know no one is happy all the time.

Sorry. I just think it is really dumb to live unhappily. Yes that means I’m being mega dumb. But give me points for trying to kill myself and I have tried to make my life better but being neurotic and having social anxiety and other maladies doesn’t help. At all.

I hear people say they are willing to die for freedom in Egypt*. I ask, “Hmmm, why? If you are dead, how are you going to know if you are dying for freedom? Don’t you want to enjoy the freedom? And do you really believe that a new regime = freedom?” But at least they stand for something. And why not die for what they think will happen. Perhaps their actions will help a future generation. I’m not that optimistic so….

*Of course this happens in every country.

Buddhism answers my questions. Sort of.

It is natural for the immature to harm others.
Getting angry with them is like resenting a fire for burning.

Why do I get so angry when they taunt/bait me? WHY? Well I guess I can answer that. It is because I feel as though I’m being punished for being a quiet, socially anxious, shy, loner. THAT IS ALL I AM — TO THEM. WHY SHOULD I BE PUNISHED FOR THAT? Dude, I have (and many others) have lost jobs over this shit. How can someone not be depressed when 89.5% of the world is against. Okay it is more like 98%.

I’M MAD AT YOU FOR TREATING ME LIKE THIS.

This does not mean that one should never take action against aggression or injustice! Instead, one should try to develop an inner calmness and insight to deal with these situations in an appropriate way. We all know that anger and aggression give rise to anger and aggression. One could say that there are three ways to get rid of anger: kill the opponent, kill yourself or kill the anger – which one makes most sense to you?

I’m the scapegoat. Can someone who has been in my situation (most likely a loner) tell me how to get through day to day? Please be neurotic too. Thanks.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

The destructive effects of hatred are very visible, very obvious and immediate. For example, when a strong or forceful thought of hatred arises, at that very instant it overwhelms one totally and destroys one’s peace and presence of mind. When that hateful thought is harboured inside, it makes one feel tense and uptight, and can cause loss of appetite, leading to loss of sleep, and so forth.

yes, yes, yes. now get into my mind and cure it. :/

Of course I’m not just angry. Today I was. Thank god I wasn’t PMSing today. It would have been worse. Every thought, feeling, & action would have been exaggerated. I would probably be thinking of quitting my job. I would be thinking extreme thoughts.

I shall post about my sadness another day. My cat wants to annoy me bond.

(all the quotes are buddhists quotes. Some straight from the the Buddha).

walking the dog

I’m so angry. I can’t even begin to guess what is reason #1. Is it that while others (re: my coworkers) or wondering what to have for dinner, I’m contemplating quitting my job or suicide. They go hand in hand. Sorta. If I quit my job, I may as well kill myself. If I kill myself = jackpot! Obviously it should be suicide but I’ve tried in the past and it didn’t work so why will it work NOW? Am I angry enough? Last time I was just sad/depressed. Maybe one needs to be angry to commit suicide.

I started a book on the history of suicide and how to prevent it etc. Sorry, I don’t believe in suicide prevention. Well I guess some people can be talked out of it. People with faith. There goes that word again! People with friends and family support. What people don’t get about suicide is that the person BELIEVES* that the world is better off without them. That includes spouses, kids, etc.

*Beliefs are everything…unfortunately.

So I’m not going to kill myself today or probably this year. That reality sucks. I want suicide to always be an option. There is freedom in that. Freedom in knowing that at anytime I could end THIS.
I should be writing this in my paper journal. Maybe it’s lack of sleep. I’m pretty sure it’s not PMS (but then again I’m not really keeping track of it). Maybe it is I’M SICK OF PEOPLE ALWAYS PUTTING ALL THEIR ISSUES ON ME.

Dude, do you act like an adult?? We have to start there first. LOL. Yes, I’m uptight. There are certain things (mostly types of annoying noise) that I cannot tolerate. I guess I should be put on Valium or something so I won’t be able to hear the noise. OR MAYBE YOU COULD STOP POPPING YOUR GUM OR YOUR INK PEN OR YOUR SODA BOTTLE (?). You know act like an adult???? Why is it ALL on me? “Oh she is uptight, a control freak etc.” When it comes to noise…hell yes!

If you think this is nuts, you should see me during PMS. Don’t even look at me. Make noise and I will excuse myself.

Today I went to pick up a prescription – no not Valium – and it wasn’t ready. I told them to have it ready at 3PM and it was 3:50. Normally this wouldn’t upset me but:

1. I had a “I hate people” day. (This occurs on most days but when I’m around new groups of people it is even worse. IS EVERYONE THIS ANNOYING? Maybe that is why I don’t like humans?? Lol)

2. Several roads were closed/being worked on. I’m not joking. I had to do a lot and knocked over a cone to get to the pharmacy. (I will never forgive Obama for this. I can hold a grudge – shocking!)

3. It was one of the rare times I went through the drive-thru. He said “Do you want to wait?” Wait, where in the drive-thru?? After all this I did not want to park and go in. But I know I would need some drugs tonight after the day I had. (I skip sometimes…when humans aren’t around – ha). I could have done that in the first place.

Most of all I’m mad at myself for being mad at the pharmacy. After I said I would wait I said, “I said 3 PM!”.
The people inside the pharmacy didn’t seem to hear. I’m hoping he had the mike turned off because I said it as I was driving off. Regardless, it didn’t need to be said. I didn’t have to have a reaction but I did.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh well. My paper journal will feel loved tonight. Egg rolls for dinner.
————
PS

I never thought I would be on the side of the damn Nader voters (I don’t know what to call them today) but that is what happened yesterday. And the democrats deserve it. But it’s just the House and didn’t this happen to Bush and Clinton during their last terms. Isn’t this normal??

I don’t dislike Obama and most of his policies. In fact as of today I have no problem with him being Prez in 2012 (so not happening but I’d vote for him). I just wish he hadn’t fucked up so much by trying to do so much at once. Yes you can do health care reform…but not if you wanna win again. He is just too intelligent. With intelligence comes arrogance (generalization). Oh well I still think in history he will be treated as the president who did the most and didn’t give a damn.

Unfortunately Mr. President by not giving a damn, you hurt the liberals feelings. LOL. (I can say this because I’m liberal/progressive). I’m still confused on the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” thing.

Btw, the prez is an INFP. I could not possibly hate him. 🙂 He is a thinker. He analyzes too much. He doesn’t talk just to talk which is bad in this crazy culture. He is a dreamer. There is a spot for him but maybe not in the bad economic/war time

Chris Matthews was outta control last night. I had MSNBC on all night (I have to sleep with the TV on). I thought it would be easy to sleep to “Another republican wins!” Blah, blah, blah, But Chris Matthews kept making me laugh out loud. Ugh, Chris I was trying to sleep.

I wonder why I’m tired…Oh, the point of this was supposed to be that the democrats voters/public deserve this for not voting for Howard Dean. I will say this until I die. You had your chance.

my anger runneth over

I don’t know. I never quit on school stuff but I’m beginning to think it would be great to get a C. All because of all this shit!

I’m sick of social people defining everything! OKay? I don’t live with anyone because I don’t want anyone in my fucking house? GOT THAT?
Don’t expect me to do shit.

I’m sick of hearing how uncomfortable they are. Everytime I’m in public, I’m uncomfortable. so deal with it.

I would do anything for him not to come. I NEED TO STUDY. I NEED TO MOW MY LAWN. YET I’M DOING LAUNDRY FOR YOUR ASS. I SKIMP ON LAUNDRY FOR ME.

I’M NOT COOKING. CLEANING IS A JOKE. LOL. SERIOUSLY. SO ONCE YOU CHECK IN, YOU WON’T BE COMING BACK.

AND I AM SO DAMN TIRED, YOU PROBABLY WON’T FEEL WELCOMED BECAUSE I’M SO PISSED OFF ALREADY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’VE HAD TO DO AND NOT DO ALREADY.

I’M DONE.

and to everyone else. NEVER ever invite yourself to someone’s house….especially if they are an introvert. Secretly they may be steaming. Me? I don’t do it secretly.

screw you!

the great indoors

I’m selling tomorrow. If it doesn’t go well, I won’t die. Spiritually. I probably will be bored enough to live tweet. I hope to get their @ 5:30am. People won’t show up until 8. lol. No more than 5 tweets during the sale. Check the sidebar. (Btw, I don’t read my replies. I text from my phone. And the purpose is to simply add to this blog. I checked once and never will again. If I read my @’s I will probably stop tweeting. See my logic: Don’t let people take something away from you by not acknowledging it).

Saturday is supposed to be my internet free day. I need to do it twice a week. It is only difficult when I’m selling on ebay. People have asked questions and I’ve taken more than a day to answer. Since I’m selling in person, I’m taking a break from ebay. Sometimes I wonder if my infrequent selling on ebay affects any possible success. In the past year I’ve only been selling in one category and have gotten descriptive, great feedback. I could probably make more money.

————

I’m really trying to get over the anger. I’m not always angry as I am perceived to be. I just don’t want it to be conditional. I hate spitefulness. Hate it. I don’t want to hate anything.

Sigh. No deep thoughts tonight. Too tired. I’ll do it in my paper journal tomorrow.

It’s just that I know I’m very blessed and lucky to have this job. I do know (sorta) that the universe looked out for me. Just this time. 🙂 Without the universe, I’d be living at home with my mom. More pissed. More depressed.

I know people with a less severe social anxiety then me and they don’t have jobs. They live with their parents and have never left. (I attribute this to them being more depressed and maybe a touch agoraphobic). I was going to “succeed” despite of my social anxiety. To the average American, my life is far from a success if you judge it by how much money you make, where you live, having 2.5 kids, the white picket fence, & the significant other. Oh and the car, the vacations (not even a time share *gasp*) etc.

But I was never driven by money. I have an inner drive…or I used to. It isn’t there now. The denials/rejections tore me down. I have always been sensitive to that. I just wanted a job and a place to live. I should have dreamed bigger with the place to live. At the time I was desperate and I’m still paying for that. As far as a job, not being a friendly outspoken person I can’t be picky. So…it is what it is. I don’t hate my work. I like it. If it weren’t for fear of making mistakes I could love my actual job. NOT the office situation. That is another catergory.

It isn’t about them. It is people in general. I guess I do want more in a job. A job where I can work at home would be awesome. What I do is done at home probably 30% of the time so there is hope. I do dream of that.

I still have dreams and desires. Some won’t come to fruition due to my fear of people. I’ve given up on those.

Universe, thank you so much for this job. Help me *feel* grateful at work. I am very humble about my job. Universe, help me *show* it.

hate being an earthling

I’m sad but what else is new?

lot of snow for one hour

We are supposed to get a foot of snow. I guess I’m not going to the library tomorrow OR work. I was just going to work a couple hours but oh well. If I don’t have to leave, I’m not. I’m glad I got my dog her xmas gift. But what about my cat? She is really picky and enjoys the toys she has so….I probably won’t get her anything. Bad pet mom.

I got bit in the ass by karma. Bad karma. I totally deserve it for breaking a rule. It isn’t work related (Thank da universe!).

Indulgence in vice… materialistic attractions never propel one towards success in life! Gaining materialistic comforts does not mean gaining success in life. Whatever our position in society today… whatever our material or materialistic accomplishments… at the time of death of body… that which manifests in next manifestation are our virtues… resulting from positive karma!

I shouldn’t care but I don’t understand how anyone can deny karma exists. If people are paying attention, they will see it in their lives everyday. Every time when someone says, “That’s what I get…” Karma! But people like to talk about undeveloped countries and death of “good” people to point out how karma can’t be real. *groan* Tired of that argument. And life on earth is hell. Death is a gift. I’m not going on a karma tangent.

————–
I don’t know about Jupiter, but shy people are the most misunderstood person on Earth. This is what fuels my anger, depression, anxiety etc. How would anyone feel if they are constantly being judged INCORRECTLY? Just because of something you can’t 100% control. (some do get less shy). Hell you would hate people too. Hate is a strong word but I’m highly annoyed by people especially when they are in groups. I know I’m not the only one…I just wish people would TRY to understand. Instead they use that energy to judge.

::exasperated::

30 years old, no relationship, no friends except for co-workers who laugh at me behind my back … There was a time that I tried to make friends and tried hard to fit in but I have stopped caring now.

Even if I had someone beside me I would worry all day that the person doesn’t really like me or put them off by not getting on with them as other girls do. Come to think of it, being alone is so much more comfortable than having to deal with the crap. So you see, there are pros and cons in both sides and I think the side I am in now is better. I really don’t care anymore except maybe on a Friday night

there are others out that. Hate reading those message boards. I feel helpless. 😦

A lot of people throughout my life have pointed out my lack of talking/quietness. I think they are simply bewildered at the thought of me showing no “real” personality. They have been around me for months, perhaps even years, and yet they don’t really know me, and they wonder, “can he really be this lifeless, this dull, and this uninspiring?”

Of course, the point of displaying such a lack of personality is so that it won’t be out there for someone to judge. If there is no real personality, then they can’t judge the real me.

But honestly, it doesn’t even matter if I WANTED to put my personality out there, because my body, mind, and soul have all learned that this is the best way to deal with things. To just shut down and be “lifeless.” Even though I am actually full of life, ideas, opinions, humor, etc. I squish it all down and don’t dare show it to anyone. If I try, then I am fighting what have ingrained into myself.

So I don’t want to be this lifeless drone trying to offend anyone, always being way too weak and unassertive, so I will of course fight it till whenever it is I overcome it or die. What I hope to accomplish is to at least not be defined by this quietness or “lack of personality.”

agree

I have experienced this at work. People say to my face, “Wow. You’re even quieter than _____ (another quiet person where I work).” I just get angry at that. What am I supposed to say to that?? I end up thinking people who make comments like this are rude. I get passive-aggressive and become even less talkative in their presence. “Screw them” is my general attitude. Another person at work made a comment about my demeanor, saying, “You’re so quiet!” I actually verbalized my feelings that time, saying, “Well, how do you expect me to act? You want me to be someone I’m not?”

If anyone wants to kill me for posting their quotes, feel free.

Betcha Gon’ Know

Welcome to a day of my life

The problem is I have a work ethic. I’m even thinking about going back tonight (after the place is closed). I wouldn’t get much down because only 30% of the system is up. I hate what this has become. If I can get concrete evidence to show what they are doing, I will. Taping people w/o their permission is illegal here…but I really don’t care. I’m not trying to take anyone to court.

It is hard & often impossible to prove people are giving certain people more information so they can do their work correctly. lol. But that isn’t the only thing. If that was the only problem, I wouldn’t have one. I mentioned it to my ‘trainer’ and she told. I will never trust people. Never. I haven’t since I’ve been smart enough to know…

it’s too dangerous to be in the vicinity of where you are

Anyhow, my days are numbered. Fuck them. I would kill myself so they can have blood on their hands but I’m not killing myself over a job. I’ll just wait until my mother dies of natural causes. Then BANG, I’m dead. Why do I have a conscience? Actually I’m thankful I’m not that depressed to really want to do it today. Been there, tried that.

Betcha Gon Know how it feels when i get you back

I won’t get you back but the universe will…if it already hasn’t. I’ve seen what’s happened to you over the past year and yet you don’t connect it to anything. Interesting.

And you see your whole world collapse
I’m gonna lalalalala laugh
I’m gonna lalalalala laugh
I’m gonna lalalalala laugh

How can they say, “nothing can be that bad”? #1. I’m melancholy by nature. 2. I’m mildly depressed. 3. I have social anxiety. Now if you are LUCKY enough to not know what that has to do with anything then SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU UNGRATEFUL, UNEMPHATIC, CLAIM TO BE CHRISTIAN BASTARDS.

I should try to say what I really feel but it is hard to get out when you know that NO ONE gets it (besides maybe people with agoraphobia or extreme social anxiety).

Note to DEBBIE: Socially anxious people hate attention. Why do you think your presence irks me so much? It must be nice not to understand, to be able to relate to people, and suck up and get jobs. I wish I knew how that feels. Wanna tell me?

Your like : Are you OK?
I’m like : mmm, alright lil sleep and i’ll be fine
But if you only knew what was in the back of my mind
already stung, but your really gonna find out in time

You don’t know the depth of my anger and resentment of your ability to be normal. Some people have tried to show people the anger…but people don’t listen. Will you ever get it? EVER? geesh.

You got me all crazy, somewhere down the line your gonna get what you deserve…you F*****G jerk

One day. Thank god for music. Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me going.

but your gonna know how this feels
Even if it’s the last thing i ever do

cho did have social anxiety

I’ve been saying that all along. Well since day 2. It was obvious to me as soon as people spoke of him after the shootings. I’m sure he had other issues but when I look over some of his medical docs, it comes back to social anxiety. (I just read what Spikol posted in her blog. I’m sure there is a lot more.)

I hate when people say something should have been done. Um, MILLIONS of people feel or have felt isolated. depressed and/or socially anxious. 99% of these people don’t kill anyone. Some kill themselves. What exactly should we do?

Besides stop teasing, making fun and gossiping about these um, “weird types”? What a concept. (Cho’s college roommates admit to making fun of him. And I know it wasn’t only them.). 😦

Blame anyone but ourselves…right?

THIS STUFF MAKES ME ANGRY

I’m at your service

I’ve figured out my purpose in life. Excuse me for being selfish but what’s in it for me? Two people who never really talked, bonds over gossiping over me. Great. I’m glad you have friends now. And of course everyone can look at me/observe me and feel better about themselves. Wonderful. Is that all there is?? Oh yeah, way more than 2 people have bonded over talking about me. Everyone else seems to have a purpose. If this is really my purpose in life then it must be karma. I don’t believe in being punished for past lives but….I must have been a serial killer in my last life to have such a dismal purpose. :/

———–
Anger repression.
My whole life I’ve been repressing my anger. I let people throw things at me. I never said a thing. I let people push me. I never said a thing. I sit and listen to people talk about me. Never say a thing. etc.

People must be out of their mind, if they think I’m going to just take this shit. They call me crazy??? How crazy is their behavior? “We are going to talk about her, say she has diseases (or fill in the blank), mock her clothing and her gait, and laugh at her?” And this is at my current place of work.

WHO WOULD PUT UP WITH THIS? NO ONE. People who repress their anger GO OFF. This is how shooting sprees happen. Read through the VA Tech files. He never said a thing and then he killed 30 people.

So no, I’m not going to feel bad about putting up my middle finger. Yes I meant “FUCK YOU”. This chick who usually works at home came into the office. She was ranting about me. She’s laughed before but nothing like this. This time she was starting stuff. So after an hour or so, I placed my hand under my desk and put up my middle finger. Not in her direction. I guess it was more at the world. Anyhow, one of my coworkers walked by and saw me. Of course she told. LOL.

Then days later she says to ‘no one’: It’s amazing what people will do when they think no one is looking.

WTF? No, I didn’t want anyone to see. That’s why I placed my hand under the desk. But I WAS DOING THIS FOR ME. It made me feel better. Here I am just sitting and listening to people make fun of me??? AND I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING? How ignorant is that? This is why I think I know more about human behavior than the average outgoing person. It’s because I observe but that is another entry.

It would be nice if I had another way to get the anger out. Eventually I want to be able to do deep breathing at my desk but as of right now, I’m too anxious (rigid) to do that. Getting up doesn’t really help. Walking around and sitting for about 10 minutes helps a tiny bit but I’m not exactly supposed to be doing that. (And I’m not complaining to my boss, scared of repercussions).

Sticking up my middle finger isn’t nice but neither is what they are doing. I know I need to come up with a better way to express my anger. I don’t do it everyday. Sometimes I just get sick of it. And it feels good to tell the world to FUCK OFF.

Goal: No middle finger for the rest of the week. 🙂