Running on the line

No one is saying that James Holmes should be set free. WTF is wrong with people? Does anyone want someone who can build bombs and goes on a shooting spree set free? No. Why? Uh, he might do it again. (Of course he should be punished also…) Yes, this seems to be have to be explained to some people. Some people only believe in evil. They want to believe it was just evil because if it was something else then maybe something could have been done to prevent it. This will happen again and again until people get it. It’s really sad. 😦

Just because he was seeing a doctor who studied schizophrenia doesn’t mean he has it. He may, we don’t know yet. Sometimes people see whoever they can afford or who their insurance will accept. He may have been depressed, anxious or manic. Anyhow, the VA Tech shooter was mentally ill. ONE of the Columbine shooters was a psychopath (no cure for that). The guy in Norway who killed 70+ people in 2011 has schizophrenia. The guy who killed multiple people on the Northern Illinois campus was schizoaffective. I could go on.

I tweeted this Yahoo article yesterday:

Mass murder and mental illness: The Interplay of stigma, culture and disease

The social rejection worsened her disease (schizophrenia) and she became afraid to interact with people, eventually ceasing to attend classes and campus functions:

“For a while I struggled through classes, overwhelmed, perhaps in equal measure, by delusions and this new and unprecedented isolation. Voices took the places of both professors and friends. Following a hospitalization (and consequent withdrawal from a semester’s worth of classes), I descended into a state of the most stunning dysfunction, unable (or simply unmotivated) even to walk from my bed to the bathroom.

…..I fixated on a single vision, me, sometimes hanging, sometimes with gun in hand and a pool of blood on the floor, outside [her former adviser’s] office. Suicide, yes, obviously, but also something more: revenge.”

Although N did not plan a mass killing, she writes that she understands how someone in Holmes’ situation — a former academic superstar and Ph.D. student in neuroscience, who had withdrawn from his program in June after a reportedly dismal performance on an oral exam   — might have become so unhinged.

It is so easy to become overwhelmed and unhinged. Not unhinged as in planning and doing a mass shooting. That is extreme. I’m scared to say anymore.

Someone mentioned that because Holmes was seeing a shrink he should not have been allowed to buy guns but does that mean that anyone who sees a shrink should not be allowed to own a gun?  Way to make the stigma worse. Less people will get help for sure. If people won’t vote because they are scared to be called for jury duty (I know some of these people) then wow, they will never get help for depression if it will leave a mark on their record. What’s the line? I have no desire to own a gun at this time or probably ever but I’m wondering how they figure out who is mentally stable. Maybe they judge it by whether a person has been committed to a psych ward? I can probably Google this info.

All I could find was things like “As far back as the Gun Control Act of 1968, there have been federal laws against selling weapons to mentally ill individuals. But the Virginia Tech tragedy in 2007, in which the shooter Cho Seung-Hui was able to pass two federal gun background checks even after a state court ruled that he was dangerously mentally ill, highlighted the need for better record-keeping and interagency communication to enforce those laws.” [source]

I guess that means only if a court is involved it will be reported? What if you are fighting for custody of your kids and it comes out that you have major depressive disorder. Does that mean you can never buy a gun?  What is mentally ill? Anxiety? Depression? Bipolar? Which agency is doing the reporting? Will people start reporting this to employers???

I feel like the people who have no idea of why this would happen and the others who don’t ask why live in two different worlds. I don’t ask why. I’m surprised (and glad) it doesn’t happen more often.

Indeed, the greatest individual risk factor for violence is not mental illness but gender — another characteristic over which people have no control. Schizophrenia doubles your odds of becoming violent, but being a man multiplies your risk by a factor of nine. Yet we don’t stigmatize or reject men for this “risk factor”; similarly, we shouldn’t treat the mentally ill that way either. To prevent future catastrophes, we need to understand the range of cultural, social and medical factors that affect us all.


I don’t have a good transition so……My Africian dwarf frogs are doing so well! They are hardy. First they survived the 2 hour drive from the store to my house. Then I changed their home a few times.  I’ve even changed their water and they have lived! 🙂 I love watching them. They are on my work desk so I get to watch them while I work. I love it. They seem to like their much bigger home. They only fight if they seem to think the other ate the majority of the food which isn’t that often.

My betta fish is hardy too. I feel like any animal that survives my water changes must be strong. lol. I can’t wait until I move. I’m going to get a 50 gallon tank. I want one now but I don’t even have room for a 10 gallon. Then I can finally get big fish. My aquatic plants are growing too. They are going to take over my frogs’ tank. The wisteria grows fast. I want to try different plants but I have to wait until I get the bigger aquarium. I can’t contain myself. I WANT IT NOW.

Anyone into plants should try aquatic plants. I would grow the plants even if I didn’t have any fish. For an easy plant like wisteria you don’t have to do much at all. You don’t even have to water them. 😉 Perfect!


17 days until the D’Angelo/Mary J. Blige concert. I booked a hotel for 1 night. The concert is 2 hours away.

60+ days until the LGBT pride event

Hopefully some good things happen in between those two events. 🙂

“I hate talking to people. About things. This is a nightmare.” – Amy Ludgate from Parks and Rec

“Hi. I’m Ron Swanson. In general, I try never to speak with people” – Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec

Yep, I’m watching the last season of Parks & Recreation on Netflix. Love that show. I think I’m going to have Amy’s line as my new saying. I already say it in my mind. I just need to find people to say it to.


When I was living in an apartment, I used to sleep in my car at night to escape the noise. When I wasn’t in my car, I was too afraid to move in my apartment. I would just sit still. I still do that today sometimes. Due to the noise, I brought a house in one week. I didn’t dream of having a house. I wanted to like living in apartments. But the noise was too much.  Years before I brought the house, the noise drove me to a motel room with a knife. I wrote a short suicide note and I was going to kill myself. I was too much of a coward so I’m still here.

Noise anxiety has ruined my life. If anyone wants to see how it manifests: here it is. It can take over your life.

I thought I had paid enough for buying a house in a week. I paid my dues. Or maybe not. Now I may be “short selling” my house. I have great credit. What will that do to it? I don’t have much. Good credit was something I had. Even if it doesn’t mess up my credit, will I be able to buy a house anytime soon? I’m paying big time just because I got sick of being paralyzed and sleeping in my car.

Now what? I would love to be able to live in an apartment. But since I work at home, that is so fucking scary. I’m stuck there for 8+ hours a day. I can’t runaway from the noise. I could lose my job easily that way. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to rent a house.

I’m screwed. Stuck. All due to……???

I may not be able to short sell. That could be a good thing because then I won’t have to worry about the not being able to buy a house/credit thing. But I would be out of a LOT of money. I may not be able to finish school in the fall. Registration starts soon. I need to know.

With all this being said, I didn’t know selling a house was so expensive, I will be spending the next 2-3 days packing up everything in my house. I won’t be moving it yet though.

Update: A short sell will remain on my credit for 7 years HOWEVER, since I’m not behind on my mortgage payments I could still purchase a house if I had the down payment, income requirements etc. {source}. Right now I don’t have the down payment so heh. :/

Another Update: I think I’m going to just take a HUGE financial hit instead of doing a short sale. As in, no $$ left after the regular sale and max out my credit cards. What a price to pay.

Update #3 – Nah, I’m going to try to get approved for the short sale. I could get denied and then I’ll have to take the hit.


On to happier topics: My kids. Now I get why people post pics of their kids and stuff. LOL. I brought another betta fish. I feel guilty. Was it selfish? Was it the right thing to do or was I was so desperate for a fish? This is why I could never have kids. If buying a fish makes me question everything, I could never get through the adoption process. Anyhow, I brought Storm. He is gorgeous. He is a half moon betta which basically means he has this beautiful tail.

Unlike my last betta, this fish eats so I think he’ll live. I’m surprised my other fish lasted 3 weeks without eating anything. Here is a pic of Storm:


I put way too many rocks in the aquarium. I brought a 10lb bag of rocks and went a little nuts. The rocks make it harder to clean and it means less water for the fish. What was I thinking? He likes to hide in his fish cave. I have a few live plants in there but the big one is fake.

Guess what? I also have video of Storm!

I moved my frogs into a 2.5 gallon tank. This time they didn’t almost drown. I won’t feel good about the move until they have been in there for 24 hours. You won’t believe this but I also have video of my two frogs: M & M.

All the green plants are real plants. I think they like this new home. 🙂

I Ain’t the Same

…but when we ridicule and marginalize mentally ill people, actual innocent people get killed.

Lindy West (source)
What is wrong with me? I spent more money on my aquatic buddies. I brought a bigger home for my frogs. It’s the impulsiveness that bothers me. Why did I have to go buy the stuff yesterday? Why couldn’t I wait until Saturday. I am going to that store on Saturday. Why didn’t I just wait? (pics and more at the bottom of this post).

Ugh. And then I made a B on my first test. 😦 😦 A freaking B. Not just any B but an 80. 😦 I was so bummed over that. Unless I want a C in this class, I’m going to have to participate. Let’s see how that goes. It has never gone well in the past. I’m not saying I will…just that I will try very hard. :/

One of my secret wishes is to go back to a university and live on campus. LOL. But even though I’m older, I don’t feel like I would be different than when I first went. I would probably be slightly more confident but I’m not sure I would make any friends. But I would get a chance to major in something different. (I’m still not sure what. I have a lot of interests. I would probably leans towards biology, horticulture, jewelry making or something else. See, I’m confused).

I was thinking of all my professors and the class participation thing. And I noticed that all of my psychology professors knew I had social anxiety (DUH!) within the first two weeks of class. On the other hand my business professors were totally clueless. My philosophy professor just thought I was weird. He would always stare at me whenever I was near other humans. LOL. The psych professors empathized and probably pitied me. She’ll never get anywhere if her social anxiety is that bad. But I NEVER got a break from them. In fact I had to go to summer school because one of my psych teachers knew I had SA and told me to skip part II of his class because presentations were a requirement.

I couldn’t graduate with my class due to that. I had to go into more debt just to take one more class. I had no financial aid left. So I used my credit card for most of it.

Class participation and group work sucks. That was the point of the above. I usually do okay with group work, I just hate it because it is easy for the louder people to just take over. But my last experience went okay.

I went to my new yoga class. The good thing is that I want to go back for my nine other classes. It didn’t completely freak me out. It would have went perfectly if it weren’t for the mirrors! But I knew in advance that this studio had mirrors. I hate the freaking mirrors. I don’t want to stare at myself or others. HATE THEM. Anyhow, it’s funny how welcoming instructors are when they need people in their class. It isn’t full. If people drop out, they could cancel our class. So we are needed. She is a substitute yoga instructor. She would really like to keep this gig ifyouknowwhatImean.

She is a good instructor. She has only been teaching for a year. I can tell she is passionate about teaching yoga. I had no problems with her until she told me to smile. ARGH! Do you know how often “we” hear that??! I was too anxious to smile. I was frowning more than usual because I could see myself and my neighbor in the damn mirror. Yes, even in yoga, I can’t let go. Well sometimes I can. But with the freaking mirrors, I’m not sure that will be happening anytime soon. I really need to work on my triangle pose. For some reason I suck at that.

Triangle pose

But at least I’m going back. It was relaxing and strength building at the same time.
OMG my frogs had me freaking out today. I put them in their new home. They could not get to the top to breathe. I thought they were going to drown and it would be all my fault for getting them a bigger tank. It took them 20 minutes to figure out how to swim to the top but they did it. WHEW. I hope they acclimated to their new home. I’m still worried. Moving them was easy. Both got into the net easily.

Here is a pic of their new 1 gallon tank:

new home for M&M

Unfortunately that plant is fake. I might get them something real later on.

This is a closeup of the frogs while they were freaking out:

frogs – M & M

I hope they like their new home. I can’t tell. They are currently swimming around like crazy (video soon!). I hope that means they like it and aren’t trying to escape.

In fish news, my betta (Sky) isn’t eating. 😦 He puts the food in his mouth and spits it right out. I’ve tried 3 types of food and 1 treat. This seems to be a somewhat common problem with betta fish. Sigh. I don’t know what to do…But otherwise he seems healthy. (???)