December entries pt 1

These are entries from my private journal…

November 24, 2019

Still bummed that N. hasn’t emailed back. Tempted to just use it because she did send it to me. If she isn’t coming to my website anymore, why the fuck should I care? She won’t know. This is my one chance to get a GOOD testimonial. Still thinking it through. Maybe I will temporarily use it. Then come to my senses.

So behind on the astrology class. Debating whether I should try to catch up or just take it again. Is it possible to catch up? Maybe I should dedicate Tuesdays and Thursdays to this class. Or all classes? It would be nice to not work on certain days.

November 25, 2019

I need to talk to myself. Lol. Um, I fucked up on Insta stories. But regarding S, it was inevitable that she would stop watching. So I kind of gave her permission to stop. I don’t blame her. But I feel some blame. No, a lot of blame. So now the questions are: Do I stop looking at S stories? And do how do I stop blaming myself?

It’s kind of revengeful to stop watching S stories. Not that she cares.

We thought we were punishing the other person by holding the resentment, but we have actually been suppressing love.”

I guess it’s love because it’s all love. Hope I didn’t scare potential customers away. That’s more important than S. Eek, but true. She would say the same which hurts.

Okay, I’m done for now

November 28, 2019

Today is Thanksgiving. To follow up on yesterday, S did look at my stories. I can tell she’s not as interested. She’s probably just trying to see if I’m screenshotting something from her group.

Good day overall. Going to the park tomorrow with Baylor. 🙂 Working on my Saturn Return workshop. Still trying to figure out webinar versus class. I think a webinar would sell more if I emphasize the Q&A. Will definitely prerecord the main parts. Ha! Just found out that hybrid webinars cost more. Bummer. But I’m thinking about running the webinar and answering the Q&As in the chat.

Gotta go. Glad S answered my question. WHY DO I THINK ABOUT HER SO MUCH?

December 1, 2019

Why not journal today. Fear is creeping up around money. Teachable didn’t pay me. Dad is here. He didn’t go to the store. He’s not going this week. Baylor has to go to the vet on Thursday for his checkup.

Was tempted to spend on a journaling course. So glad I didn’t. Things still tempt me. Sucks. Have to be conscious. Need to make money. I got two sales today with my Cyber Monday sale. Unfortunately, one is a tarot reading. I will try to record it on Wednesday.

I just hope Teachable pays me. They will probably get back to me tomorrow.

I need a morning routine. I just don’t want to get up earlier. Already get up too early. My dream is to get up at 7:30 or maybe 8.

Have to work on Saturn Return. Nervous about work.

December 5, 2019

Oh, you don’t want to know. LOL. Horrible? Baylor weighed 19 pounds as I thought. I told my mom she was lying and that she wouldn’t admit anything anyway. She got pissed. She said I don’t appreciate being called a liar. FUCK. Confrontation sucks, but I felt like I had to even though she’s not feeding Baylor now because he’s with me. (Dad is here).

I don’t know. I need to nap and do the reading a customer paid for.


I have a PT job!

…I think. Why are things so confusing. No, I signed the contract, so I have the job. The pay is what I want for a PT job. It wouldn’t do for a full-time job. For training, I only get paid $6 an hour! I don’t know how long the training will last. I will ask the manager tomorrow.

It’s a work from home job. Yay! I think tomorrow we have to order the equipment and software.

I can work whenever I want BUT training is supposed to take place at 8AM. I’m at my FT time job at that time.


The Colors are Golden

FUCK. I just lost the three paragraphs I typed. WordPress!!! Ugh. Moving on…

I’ve been walking 50 minutes a day to alleviate the symptoms of seasonal affective disorder AKA seasonal depression. AND to give my dog exercise. Anyway, I don’t think walking has helped much so far. I’m not really depressed. Thank god. But I can tell I have the winter blues. I will probably keep walking as long as it is over 30 degrees because my dog really likes it. However, he is a corgi mix, and they are known to have arthritis. 😦 So I don’t want that to flare up due to the cold weather. I have to be careful. There’s no way I’m walking by myself. I would feel SO guilty for not taking my dog.

I would buy one of those lamps that bring in fake sunlight. I do have a $15 promotion from Amazon, but the item must cost at least $30, and the lamp I want is only $28. So ugh. Not sure. If I feel horrible, I might just buy a lamp. But most days, I’m okay. It’s just a few days that suck. I know February is going to be tough because February always sucks. It’s so cold and blah. I will probably take off a few days during that month.

I just got back from the bank. I deposited $15.90 in the bank. Woohoo! 2.90 of that was in change (including 10 pennies). I was slightly embarrassed to have all that change. But if I found all my change it could have been worse. I can’t wait until I’m financially doing better which should be February or March. I just don’t want to have to count pennies for groceries. And I don’t want to have a negative bank balance ever again. That would be nice.

Election 2020: I’m sad that Kamala Harris dropped out even though I wasn’t going to vote for her in the primary. I’m really bummed that Julian Castro won’t be at the debate next week. There’s not much going on that I care about. I just hope Biden is not the nominee. Please! I’m begging America. He’s not mentally up to it. So nothing’s really changed. I’m still rooting for Elizabeth Warren. Oh, I’m surprised Yang made the debate, but Booker didn’t.

This week I…

Music of the week: Rachel Platten, Maggie Rogers, Ariana Grande, Mariah Carey, Carly Rae Jepsen, Bishop Briggs, Jussie Smollett, Pistol Annies

TV of the week:  Survivor, RHoP

Podcasts of the week:  So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Cold, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Pod Save America, Tarot for the Wild Soul, Generation why,

Books of the week: I need to read new books! Anyway, currently reading:

Yes, I’m working on creating a Saturn Return workshop. It’s going to be released in January. It will cost $15 for just the workshop (and eBook). For all that plus a personalized written report, it will cost $30.

Weekend Plans: Working at my day job (for free) and on my workshop. What else? It’s been raining a lot, so probably not a lot of walking. I’m buying food for the next two weeks tomorrow. I’m going to be frugal.

Right now, I’m going to restart my computer because it’s running really slow. Thanks for reading. Have a nice week! 🙂

Private entries – November part I

October 28, 2019

O god. I just applied for a job at H.  Work at home. really want it, but there was an assessment. Ick. It wasn’t too bad, but lots of are you a loner type questions. LOL. I told them $18 was my minimum.

I’m worried about how astrology 101 is going. Why can’t I just let go? Because I feel like I scammed people by promising a transformation. I just want to teach astrology. I’m not sure I’m a good teacher. I might just make an astrology 101 eBook for $15.

Gotta go do stuff. Day one of no social media is okay. So weird with no Twitter.


October 29, 2019

Sigh. I was happy for a moment. I thought I didn’t have to pay taxes, but Teachable is going to send me a form, so I have to file it, right? Groan. Fuck. Fuck. Life could be so much simpler if I didn’t have to worry about that. Hmmm. To get a CPA or not? That is the question. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. If I could talk to someone. I might have to ask the tax lady the question. Yeah, I’m definitely going to be there.

Listed more things on Etsy, since work was so easy. Tomorrow I have to mail the money to the landlord.

Whatevs. fuck

October 31, 2019

Ugh. Every entry is ugh. I feel a bit out of it for various reasons. It’s 80 degrees. Hot. Fuck. Don’t like that. D is acting like an a-hole, but not completely. She is the queen of passive-aggressive. I learn from the best or worst. Capricorns…ugh!

Trying to be positive. Listening to Gabby B. But it’s hard when you feel like your “baby” is shit. You know? Sigh. Oh vey. There is such a thing as too much optimism. Too much wanting to do that thing. I will somehow survive this. Yes, I will.

I’m obsessed with S seeing my story. I was on break for almost 4 full days! Now I’m back, and is S still there? What if she hates it? Why am I making so much of this? I probably moved down her list because I didn’t post for 4 days. But how do I know? I know one day she will stop and that will suck. STOP FREAKING OUT!

I think this heat is getting to me, and it’s “only” 80 degrees. I’m going to rerecord now. Bye!

November 1, 2019

Today was a roller coaster day. But I did take a secret walk with Baylor while listening to Gabby. That was nice. But I just want to be left alone, and I know I can’t be alone because that costs money.

S. just cemented that we have no friendship. I go from “What a bitch” to I get it. Sort of. Whatever. Boundaries. I cut the cord with her first. Just saying.

Sick of having to feel like I have to do this course, but I will try to have a good attitude tonight and move forward. I just want it to be GOOD and over!

The Miranda Lambert album is sooo good!

November 3, 2019

Well, I just signed up for business coaching with what’s her name. Honestly, I can’t remember. I’ll check my phone. L. $100 gone. But I pulled the 9 of pentacles, so there’s hope. I hope she helps. Not sure about the trade. If she trades for an audio reading, I’ll do it. If she wants live, probably not. Not happy about the 9 Pm time. I will now sign up for 7 her time. That’s 8 my time. Duh!

My astrology course is done for this week. I’m still going to rerecord the houses despite what everyone would probably say. Overwhelm town. Gotta go. I didn’t plan for the week.


Yes, this says November entries, despite most of these entries being from October. LOL. I’ll be posting more from my “private entries” because I post quick stuff over there instead of here.

I’m not crazy or anything

Since I’m not going back to the park until March, I thought I would share some pics from our (my dog and me) recent visits to the park:


I usually only post pics to Insta. I keep forgetting to post them here. And here is one video of my dog running on the soccer field, which is probably illegal. 😉

So much is going on. I don’t know where to start. Blah. I’m mostly working on my online biz. I’m 100% committed to that for having a part-time income. I probably need to focus on one thing at a time. I have so many ideas. I’m definitely what people call a visionary. I hate details, but I can see the big picture.

Anyway, sigh. I think I’ll post some “private” entries soon. I feel all over the place. I don’t know what to say right now. Oh, my dad is coming back to living with us. He should be here soon. He was overseas. He doesn’t understand boundaries. NO, I’m not taking you anywhere during the week after I’ve worked and then I still have to work on my online biz for at least 3 hours a day.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ellie Goulding, James Arthur, Miranda Lambert, Andra Day, Ashley McBryde, Beyonce, Bryn Cartelli, Caitlyn Smith

TV of the week:  Survivor, RHoP

Podcasts of the week: Don’t Talk to Strangers, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Why is This Happening, Mental Illness Happy Hour

Books of the week: I finished reading Her One Mistake by Heidi Parks. The ending wasn’t great. I predicted what would happen too early. But it’s still okay if you like thrillers or Big Little Lies.

Now reading –

Weekend Plans: I really am enjoying having four days off! My next days off are at the end of December. I have 3 days off then. I’m nervous about my dad coming back. Then I have to have my dog upstairs at all times. :/ I don’t mind him, of course. But I feel bad my dog has to be stuck with me. That’s not fair to anyone.

I might be back mid-week with “private” entries. I have to clean up those entries before I post. I use names too much.

Thanks for reading! Have a good weekend and week. 🙂


Can anyone explain to me why women are still putting up with periods? It’s BS. Okay, if I knew I wanted kids, I wouldn’t get on birth control to stop my period. I just wouldn’t. I’m not a doctor, but infertility is such an issue these days. I wouldn’t risk it by being on birth control for years. But I’m 100% sure I’m never having kids, so this isn’t an issue for me.

I’ve been on this BC for about two years, and now I haven’t had a period in TWO months. That’s a huge win!! I hate having a period. So I’m like, finally! I tried Depo Provera to stop my period. It didn’t work. It might be suitable for birth control, but ugh, it didn’t work for stopping my period. It made it worse.

So my point is, for a lot of women, having a period is voluntary. Why do they choose to have one? Have they been brainwashed? I have no idea. Anyway, I’m sure my period will probably eventually come back for a month or so. 😦 As long as it goes away again, I’m fine. This is the first time I’ve skipped two months in a row. It’s been every other month these past 6 months.

I’m not filing bankruptcy…as long as my bank account doesn’t go negative again. Unless something unexpected comes up, December should be fine. In January, some asshole is going to try to get $420 from me. I’ve already talked to him once. (Hence calling him an asshole – ha). So I have to ask the bank to stop the transaction, OR I’m going to be negative about $300 if my budget is right. I have to stop it.

Speaking of unexpected things, I should probably file bankruptcy for that reason. But I’m going to try not to. I just hope nothing surprising happens.

I’m working on a project for my biz. Unfortunately, it won’t be ready until February or March. It’s a 12 part series. I have to record 12 videos! So yeah, it’s a big project. I’m currently working on the sales page and getting excited. But I won’t feel like it’s really real until I finish recording the first video. After the first video, the other 11 will be a breeze.

I should have done this instead of working on an astrology course. I’m not rereleasing the astrology course until October 2020. I have to recover from this last release. Creating a course is HARD. No one really said that. They said, “A course is hard to sell.” Well, 6 people bought the course from me. So selling wasn’t the problem. It was the actual creating and teaching. ARGH. I want to say never again. But I kind of promised these 6 people, I would redo the course, so I will. And I’ll have a good time doing it. I just need a break from that.

Anyway, I’m really excited about the series. I just feel a bit anxious because I haven’t started creating the videos. Like I said, if I don’t make $3600 (in revenue)  next year, I will probably hang it up. I might try something different. Or I might take a year off and then come back to astrology or go into something else. I know other modalities. So I don’t have to stick with astrology. I just really like it.

Election 2020: Still bummed Julian Castro wasn’t at the debate. How dare Gabbard and Steyer be there, but not Castro? I loved the moderators. I feel like Kamala stood out the most (in a good way). Yang didn’t get much time. Booker was funny and made two good points (not that I was counting). Biden wasn’t good, but who cares? He could shoot someone on 5th avenue and still… 

I really enjoyed it overall. I watch the news too much to find it informative. I’m glad they didn’t spend too much time debating healthcare.

I don’t care about Trump, so whatever. I did watch about 50-60% of the impeachment hearings. I found that informative because usually when Trump is mentioned, I tune out.

This week I…

Music of the week: James Arthur, Tanya Tucker, Lana Del Rey, Ariana Grande, Sara Bareilles, Carly Rae Jepsen, India.Arie, Jessie Ware

I’ve been listening to Sirius/XM radio, so these results aren’t exactly accurate. (I can’t track what I listen to on there).  I have a FREE 3 month trial to Sirius. I plan to enjoy every second before I cancel.

TV of the week:  This Is Us, RHoP

Podcasts of the week: Don’t Talk to Strangers, Polyvagal Podcast, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines,

Books of the week: 

  • Her One Mistake by Heidi Parks – Liking this more than I thought. Well written
  • The Good Guy by Dean Koontz  – not sure I’m going to finish this. But his books do sometimes start slow. I just don’t have the patience for slow starts right now.
  • Letting Go by David Hawkins

Weekend Plans: – I worked for free at my day time. Then I worked on my biz. So basically working. I have astrology class tomorrow, so I will get some knitting done. 😉 I love that I can knit and pay attention. I’m just thankful that I may not have to get a part-time job. I need time to see if I can make revenue.

Thanks for reading! Have an awesome week. 🙂