It’s not worth looking for

WordPress tricked me, so I will have this domain for another year. I will not renew next year. I already canceled.

I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital this week. I’m glad I didn’t. I have a $400 copay for the ER, so I’m going to try to avoid that at all costs. Besides, what would they do? Give me enough nutrients and send me on my way. FOR $400. 

And then I would have to go back every time I get stressed and can’t eat. I’m not paying all that money. I couldn’t eat or drink on Wednesday. Then on Thursday, I could eat dinner. I lost 2 pounds*. I’m down to 113 pounds. However, that’s not the point. The point is that my body isn’t enough nutrients. I’m also eating too much sugar, which I think maybe causing me diabetes. My dad has diabetes. 

*I lost one pound from going to the sauna. But I’m not going to stop going since I paid in advance. If I’m already weak that day, I’ll cancel. But otherwise, it relaxes me SO MUCH. It is totally worth it. I felt so stress-free when I went on March 21. I almost felt happy for the first time in nearly a year. 

I think stress made me sick this week. On Monday, I was arguing on the phone with the radiology company. They claimed I didn’t pay the $60 bill. I did. I can prove it from my bank account!! But they don’t care. I’m letting this go and letting another company take care of it…for now. I hope they don’t send the bill to collections. My credit score can’t take stupid hits. 

I PAID THE BILL.

And then on Tuesday, a new psychiatrist wouldn’t give me a different medicine that I NEED so I can take medicine for gastroparesis. I’m dying here. Please just give me the medicine. Whatever. I will just go without an anti-depressant if I have to. I see my local psychiatrist on April 5. This will be my last attempt at working with these assholes. 

All this and the medicine might not work. ARGH! But at least let me try the medicine. 

In conclusion, all the above stress plus the regular stress from working and my living situation just shut my body down. I couldn’t eat, sleep or drink. I could barely walk my dog on Thursday. I had to walk really slowly.

 I didn’t want to blog about all this because it is bringing back the stress again. And I have to pay the IRS $513. Remember, some of this is due to no fault of my own. Of course, I have to pay self-employment taxes. To pay my taxes, I have to borrow someone’s printer, go to the bank and get checks, buy stamps and then mail the taxes. I had to write out the steps so I wouldn’t get too overwhelmed. I’m taking off 2 hours to deal with the tax stuff. 

I don’t have time for this shit. I’m always working. I live in a heightened sense of stress all the time. That’s not healthy. Hell, that’s why I got sick this week! My body can’t take this anymore. 

I just hope I don’t have to take an Uber to the hospital. That’s the goal for now. Everything else doesn’t matter. Oh, and I hope I can go on my birthday trip in May. I can’t afford to take time off for the hospital. And I can’t afford the bill either. 

Current Events: Update on the Derek Chauvin jury selection: They now have enough women. I’m still slightly worried that mostly women or black people will be alternate jurors. That would not be good. I think there are 3 or 4 Black jurors. The Hispanic guy got kicked off because he couldn’t get the settlement off his mind. There are also multiracial people on the jury. Anyway, I was so worried because, in the beginning, it was all white males. The trial starts tomorrow. I will not be listening live because I have training at work at that time. I’ll probably start listening to the “replay” at noon.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, Tori Kelly, Lennon Stella, Amy Grant, Arlissa, Ashanti

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Tara Brach, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the Week: I finished reading –

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen 4.5/5 Very informative. It made me think of things I never thought about. I’m asexual, btw. I don’t think about sex. Ever. So it was interesting reading how “normal” people experience sex being all around.

Weekend Plans: I’ve worked all weekend. I’m exhausted. I will try to rest today. Taking only one day off a week is not really helping me, but I’ll keep doing it. After I finish blogging, I’m going to try to print my taxes off on another printer. It’s supposed to rain, so my dog and I may not get a walk today.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

Still hanging out in dark bars

I’ve been telling various people my story, and all have come to the same conclusion – I’m stuck. That’s not comforting. Who wants to be stuck and have no options?

I don’t even have my health. My weight is somewhat stable at 115. Sometimes it goes up a pound or two. Oh, and my blood pressure is 133 over 100, which is horrible, and I probably shouldn’t be walking around like this. However, I can’t eat much, so I have to eat whatever I can even if it’s “bad” for me. I’m never hungry. I just eat so I will have enough energy. No appetite.

I didn’t get to speak to the new psychiatrist. So no new medication for my stomach issues. But I do have an appointment with my old psychiatrist on Sunday night. He doesn’t seem to get that I can’t just stop my anti-depressant cold turkey. How can a doctor not get that??? And I know he’s a good doctor, so this is frustrating.

Nothing has changed. I’m stressed out due to things beyond my control, and that has made me physically sick.

I would be much less stressed if we had Medicare for All. But Americans want people to suffer, so we don’t have that. I find some comfort in the fact that some of them of suffering too. Yet they accept the health insurance we have! How dumb is that? But if they want to suffer…

I have two days off next week. Thank the universe!!! I need more weeks like this. I wanted to go to the park, but it will probably rain. I’m going to the thrift shop (I haven’t been there in years) and the sauna. The sauna is the only thing that takes my stress away, but it’s not free. It’s not too expensive. I’m going to sign up for the two visits a month plan for $49. I will try to keep it for three months.

The only downside of the sauna is that you can burn 600 calories from one visit. (!!!) Um, that’s the last thing I need. But I love the other effects, so I’ll do it twice a month until my money runs out. I hope I don’t burn that many calories. Not good.

I’m still crossing my fingers for the park. That was the whole plan for these days off. My dog would be so happy. It’s not supposed to rain on Sunday, but everyone is at the park on Sundays. My dog is not good around other dogs. Sigh. But that seems like my only choice. Whatever it takes.

Current Events: I’m listening to the Derek Chauvin jury selection process. (He kneeled on George Floyd’s neck). I’m so frustrated by the lack of women on the jury so far. Both sides are guilty of passing on women. Of course, there aren’t a lot of Black people on the jury so far. One juror identifies as Black. Oh, and there’s one Hispanic man and one biracial woman. I just want more women on the jury. The trial starts March 29. I will be there. Oh, and it was a big mistake for the city to award Floyd’s family $27 million BEFORE the trial. The jury will see that headline and it could mess up the verdict.

This week I…

Music of the week: Mary J. Blige, Taylor Swift, SWV, Grace Potter, Natasha Bedingfield, The Highwomen, Amy Grant, Carly Rae Jepsen

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie

Books of the Week: I’m reading about 10 books, but I haven’t finished any since I last posted.

Weekend Plans: Working. Some people complain about working 5 days a week, and yeah that sucks but try working WAY more and still not being able to have your own place. Try that and call me back. I woke up early this morning. I have about 50% of my work done for today. Not bad. I can’t wait until I start going to the sauna on every other Sunday. Tomorrow I’m going to try to finish a library book before it’s due. It’s a book about asexuality.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week/weekend. 🙂

Trouble swallowing my meds

My life is a shitshow. What else is there to say? It’s really bad. It just sucks. The end.

I saw two dieticians since I last posted. One didn’t know anything about gastroparesis, but seeing her was free, so not a big deal. The second dietician knows her shit, but she costs $55 per visit (I think – still waiting for the final bill). Ouch. $55? She’s good, but I don’t think anything she says is going to help me gain 20 pounds.

I have given up on getting back to my normal weight of 135 unless some kind of medication works. I just need to not go under 115 pounds. I’m already underweight for my height. Sigh.

Oh, and I finally got my labs back. My thyroid results came back abnormal, but who the fuck cares? Add that to the list. I might address that when I see my PCP in July. She sucks and is always late, so I have to take a whole day off to see her. I need a new doctor, but who has time to do that? Do I just pick someone randomly? I might do that.

I see a new psychiatrist on Friday (virtually). I hope she can get me off this anti-depressant, so I can take the medicine that might help with the gastroparesis. Whatever. Who cares? Next.

I’m financially fucked. I might see if I can sue Abilify (like many others have). Abilify is the reason why my life sucks so much right now. I hate how Americans sue people so easily, but this company fucked up my life and its in shambles because of them.

Why should I suffer for FIVE YEARS (or more) for what their medication caused? Why am I paying the price? Why? All I did was take a medication. They didn’t disclose that their medicine could cause compulsive spending until 2016 when so many people reported them. Abilify has been sued and has had to pay millions.

Is the statute of limitations a problem? Maybe. I will contact a legal service when I have the fucking time. Which is never because I’m always working to pay off the IRS and debt. All due to Abilify. Where is my debt forgiveness? I didn’t do shit to deserve all this. I just took medication.

Actually, it’s not only Abilify. If Joe Biden hadn’t come up with the bankruptcy bill, I would be fine right now. I wouldn’t have the stress. I probably wouldn’t be sick*. I might even be living alone. Thanks for nothing, Joe. Fuck him.

*The dietician did say my gastroparesis is probably due to stress which makes sense. I was doing A LOT of work in my business, and I started work in a new department. I had no air conditioner and was working in a 100-degree room. That’s when all this started.

I need a little mercy. Mercy.

I just need a break. I need one thing to go right.

This week I…

Music of the week: Mariah Carey, Joy Oladokun, Whitney Houston, Ed Sheeran, Emily Jones, JoJo, Natasha Bedingfield, Patty Griffin

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, American Nightmare, Crimelines, Through the Cracks, Undisclosed 

Books of the Week: I finished two books since I last posted.

Badass Habits by Jen Sincero – Apparently everyone else likes this book more than I did. I know how to do habits so maybe I’m not the right person to read this book. I didn’t like that she kept mentioning losing weight as an example of a habit. Annoying. Otherwise, I guess this book is okay if a person has no idea on how to start a new habit. 3.5 stars.

If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood by Gregg Olsen. Nonfiction. SO GOOD. So disturbing. This book will stay with you after you are done. The abuse of children and adults are so bad, I had to skip parts. I will never forget Shelly. She’s a monster. 5 stars.

Weekend Plans: I worked all day. Well, I just finished and decided to blog today instead of tomorrow morning. I could have done more work, but one of my clients didn’t give me enough info to start so now I will be scrambling next week. Sigh. These people are killing me. I’m taking Sunday off…unless the client responds. Then I might work an hour tomorrow. Otherwise, I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. I will probably read. I hope there’s a good college basketball game on. I haven’t been watching much basketball this year, but I’m thinking of watching March Madness. I have the first two days of the tournament off from my full-time job.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week. 🙂

Bury me under the weight

My domain isn’t expiring until April. So I won’t be moving back to my old domain until then.

Everything is the same. Or worse. The fucking pharmacy couldn’t fulfill my medicine request because it was out of stock, so I can’t get it. How unlucky is that? I could try another pharmacy, but that’s still a pain because of all the phone calls.

So…I’m going to go without the medicine for now. I have an appointment with a dietician on Monday night, but it is unclear whether she deals with people wanting, no, NEEDING to gain weight. I messaged her on Thursday, but she hasn’t responded. I hope this isn’t a waste of time, but a lot of people waste my time. What else is new?

If she can’t help, I’m going to call a few local dieticians. Another bunch of phone calls. I hate talking on the phone. I guess that’s pretty obvious.

I don’t know what a dietician will say that I can’t Google. I don’t cook. I’m not spending a bunch of money on food. Every time I talk to someone about food, they either want me to cook or go to Whole Foods and double my food budget. Not happening.

I forgot the worst news. I’m going to owe a lot of taxes this year. Not just because I have a business, but because I’m in a debt consolidation program. I have to pay taxes on all the debt. So far, I owe $433, and it’s not done. I still have to wait for the other companies to send me their tax forms. I won’t be able to file until the very end of March. I might have to have a payment plan. I don’t have thousands to send to the IRS!

Everything sucks, and things are getting worse. I can’t get a break. I was reflecting earlier this week, and this is the worst time of my life. I don’t even have my health!

No love and light over here until I get some love and light. And it’s winter. It keeps snowing, so I haven’t been able to go to the lab to get my blood drawn. I’m going to try to do it this Friday morning if it doesn’t snow again. I have to take one test in the AM, which has been the problem. I have to take time off work for this shit. UGH.

I did get a new client. She’s going to pay me $300 a month for three months (all going to the IRS – LOL). So that’s good. I’m feeling imposter syndrome. What if I suck? What if I end up working 24/7 for this client just to get results? What if I can’t get results? Most people charge about $450 a month for this service because it is a lot of work. Sigh.

Current events: I’ve listened to about 70% of the impeachment hearing. What a nightmare for the people in the Capitol that day. Everyone should have had paid time off (yes, even the cops) after the incident. But we all know in this capitalist society that that didn’t happen. Work. Work. Work. Even if it kills you and some people did die by suicide. That’s tragic.

This week I…

Music of the week: Britney Spears, Joy Oladokun, Ariana Grande, Amy Grant, Stacie Orrico, Taylor Swift, Lindsay Lohan, Mariah Carey

Discovering Joy Oladokun is the best thing that has happened to me in 2021.

TV of the week:  Bridgerton

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, American Nightmare, Crimelines, Mental Illness Happy Hour, Tara Brach, Through the Cracks, Undisclosed

Books of the Week: I finished reading The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation by Thich Nhat Hanh It was okay. I would recommend other books to beginners. Speaking of meditation, my anxiety is so off the scale that I’ve been having a hard time meditating. I know meditation is important but I need a different method or time to meditate.

Weekend Plans: I’m setting up my work for my new client even though I don’t officially start until March 1. I will spend most of the day on her stuff. I’m taking tomorrow off. I’m trying to keep taking Sundays off for as long as I can. Can I take one day off a week? Am I worthy enough? Or do I exist just to pay bills?

Thanks for reading. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

She’s coming to life again

ALERT: I am not renewing this domain name. So my website will be going back to – http://www.paperthoughts.wordpress.com sometime soon. I might have this on every entry until my domain expires.

My dad got the first COVID vaccine shot. I was happy for him, but he says he’s not going back to get the second shot. So what’s the freaking point??? Maybe he will change his mind. I probably won’t be able to get the vaccine until summer. I’m not overly concerned about it. I just hope I only have to get one shot.

My illness has a name! Gastroparesis is what I have. Only 39% of my food is leaving my stomach when it should be 100%. Unfortunately, I’m not able to take any medication due to the antidepressant I’m on. So I’m still losing weight. I’m down to 116 pounds.

I’m going to try to get off this antidepressant that I like so that I can get on medication. There is no cure for gastroparesis. So I guess I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life so I can eat? Will I be able to go to McDonald’s? Will I be able to eat pizza? Drink coffee? I have no idea. I’m just sick of losing weight, getting sick, and not being able to eat anything.

Hopefully, all this is resolved in six weeks. It will be a lot of going back and forth. Why is everything so complicated? I don’t want to quit taking my antidepressant. It isn’t perfect or anything, but I like it.

Oh, I’m not getting a colonoscopy. I can’t remember what I said last time I posted. I keep changing my mind! It might be a mistake, but whatever. Nothing I read about gastroparesis said anything about the colon. So that’s that.

I’m so excited. I just booked my birthday vacation! Last year I couldn’t go anywhere. It wasn’t just due to COVID. I had no money. I lost all my money through an online scam. I had $15 left in my bank account.

I’m leaving on Monday, May 17, and returning that Thursday. It’s not out of state. It’s about 90 minutes from where I live. I’ve never been to this state park before, so I’m nervous about how nice it will be and, more importantly, how my dog will react. We have a screened-in porch, so even if it rains, I hope I can enjoy nature. However, my dog likes to bark at humans and animals, so I’m worried he’ll bark at anyone near.

I have something to look forward to! This is a big deal because recently I’ve had nothing to look forward to. I’ve just been working every day.

Because of COVID, I have to take my sheets and cover. That’s the only difference. I’m going to buy the cheapest sheets and a nice blanket. Nope, I don’t have extra sheets lying around.

Yay, for birthday vacays!!!

Current events: No checks for the people. The end. And Biden promised $2,000; now he’s backtracking to $1,400. This is typical Biden behavior and should shock no one who pays attention. Most of his supporters don’t watch/read the news, so they probably don’t know how they are getting screwed. Yes, I will continue to trash Biden supporters for picking the wrong candidate.

This week I…

Music of the week: Amy Grant, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Ed Sheeran, Maggie Rogers, Mandy Moore, Tori Kelly, Bishop Briggs

TV of the week:  Real Housewives of the OC

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage

Books of the Week: I’ve finished more books since I last posted.

Dear Justyce by Nic Stone. Fiction. Part two of a series. Not as good as the first, but a must read in the series. 4/5

Kent State by Deborah Wiles. Nonfiction. This book is about the murder of 4 students protesting the Vietnam War. Great read, but short. I want to read more about this horrible day. 5/5

Weekend Plans: I’m working today. One of my clients is launching something, so I have a lot of different things to do. As of right now, I’m taking tomorrow off. I take one day a week off. Four days a month. That doesn’t seem like much. But when I start a new client on March 1, it will be a struggle to keep taking Sundays off but I will try.

Thanks for reading. Bookmark my ‘new’ site – http://www.paperthoughts.wordpress.com. Have a great weekend/week. 🙂

What I Pretend to Be

I had another test for my mysterious illness. It was $200. What if it’s like everything else and shows nothing? I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of taking time off from work to go to the doctor. I’m sick of not being able to eat and drink most things. I’m sick of losing weight.

I should find out the test results next Friday. I hope the doctor finds something. Or I might have to get a colonoscopy. I am 100% against this. LOL. I’ll find out soon about this.

I’m listening to a class on taxes as I type this. Since I have a day job, I hope my business won’t make me owe taxes. Unfortunately, due to debt consolidation, I won’t be able to do my taxes until late March. I’m using Quickbooks and Turbo Tax for taxes this year. I forgot that there is a self-employment tax in addition to income taxes. AHHHH!

I want to make more money in my business this year, but I’m not looking forward to paying taxes.

About a week ago, I was excited for the first time in a while. I had something to look forward to. I was planning to quit my day job in 2024 and moving to Mexico. However, I’ve done all the research, and I won’t take my dog to Mexico.* I refuse. So I’m stuck in this shithole country. Bummer. But not for long. I will move to Mexico (probably Oaxaca City – but I’m not sure) one day.

*Mexico is not bad for dogs. Lots of people move to Mexico with their dogs. But I refuse to drive in Mexico for many reasons and I’m not doing the airplane thing with my dog.

So I’m back to living for nothing and hustling for nothing. I had to hustle this week, and I’m still not done. I’ve been working my ass off, and what do I have to show for it? NOTHING. This is too depressing to think about.

Nothing to see here. My physical and mental health suck. The end.

GOOD NEWS: My aunt was released from the hospital. She had COVID and stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks.

Current events: Oh, who cares? We get a new shitty president in a few days. Seriously, I will hate him less if he does a good vaccine rollout (and I think he will). But the other things he’s proposing? I just can’t. He’s going to be bad for progressives. The centrists will love him. Most of them probably don’t watch the news and think Nancy Pelosi is a good leader.

This week I…

Music of the week: Joss Stone, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, Rachel Platten, Ed Sheeran, Ingrid Michaelson

TV of the week:  This is Us, The Crown

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, The Astrology Podcast

Books of the Week: This year I’ve decided I want to read more. Instead of working, I now take at least 45 minutes to read before bed. I hope I can keep this up. I’ve finished three books so far. I don’t normally read fiction, but I’m trying that too with mixed results.

I finished Lying Next to Me by Gregg Olson.  Fiction. 3.5 stars out of 5. It’s a thriller. It could have been better. If you’re bored and like thrillers, you’ll be okay with this book.

I finished Death’s Awakening (Eternal Sorrows Book 1) by Sarra Cannon Ummm. This is definitely not my usual genre. It has zombies. ROFL. It was okay. Another 3.5 stars out of 5. I might consider reading the next book, but I’m not sure. It’s not available at the library, so I would have to pay $4 for it. I enjoyed some of it, but I’m not really into fantasy.

Dear Martin by Nic Stone was my favorite read of 2021 (so far). Martin is Martin Luther King. The main character occasionally writes letters to him. The book is about racial justice…if I had to sum it up. It’s so good. It’s hard to explain what’s good about it. If you like social justice topics and fiction, you will probably love this book. I’m on the waitlist for book two of this series. Can’t wait.

I’m reading two more books, but I’ll mention them when I finish them.

Weekend Plans: WORKING. I will take Sunday off. I have nothing planned. I might get some reading done. I just want a week off to do nothing. That will probably never happen for me. I need stress relief. I’ll stop rambling and take my dog for a quick walk.

Thanks for reading. Have a good weekend/week. 🙂

Happy fucking 2021!

My aunt with MS and a lot of other health issues is in the hospital with COVID. I don’t want to hear anything about how great 2021 will be. It’s just another day. I don’t mark my time in years anyway.

Who the fuck has a good year? 12 whole months of goodness? I made a lot of money in my business this year. I surpassed my goals. However, I didn’t make a lot of money at my job. My net income was less than $24K.

Edit: I guess I should say I made a lot in my business FOR ME. It was about $5K. I will probably post the exact amount sometime in the future. Considering that I’m brand new and don’t know what I’m doing….$5,000 isn’t bad for year one of a business. Plus, I’m working full-time, so less time for the business.

And I got sick in July. Really sick. I’m still sick. I still don’t know what’s wrong. Anytime I get a day off work, I have to go to the doctor. I haven’t been able to get a mammogram because I have to figure out why I lost 19 pounds in less than 6 months.

I weigh between 117 and 118. I think that’s underweight for my height. Gaining weight is hard. It’s even harder when you can’t eat anything. I’m so sick of searching for smoothies and it’s all healthy shit.

I will probably get a colonoscopy. What else am I supposed to do? Die? I’m not happy about having to pay for it. The cost without anesthesia is $280. By the time, I add the anesthesia, medicine, transportation, it could end up at $500.

Happy fucking 2021! The shit doesn’t end for me. Maybe it does for others. Still sick. Still stressed out. I’m probably burned out. I worked enough to be burned out. That’s for sure. What do I have to show for it? I paid some medical bills.

If my aunt dies, I’m going to be pissed off.

My dad got hit by a car. He is supposed to go to court for jaywalking (ROFL – sorry, but that’s a joke), but I doubt he goes. He fractured his leg and had to have surgery. He is recovering now.

Current Events: Fuck all these politicians. Bernie Sanders might get a pass this week. But no one else!!

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Patty Griffin, Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Kari Jobe, Sara Bareilles, Selena Gomez, Tupac

TV of the week: Dexter, This is Us

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the Week: John Wayne Gacy: Defending a Monster: The True Story of the Lawyer Who Defended One of the Most Evil Serial Killers in History by Sam Amirante I finished this book last week. This is probably the best book I read this year.

Lying Next to Me by Gregg Olson

Death’s Awakening (Eternal Sorrows Book 1) by Sarra Cannon

I’m trying fiction. I don’t know how this will go.

Weekend Plans: I am off NYE and New Year’s Day from my day job (RARE!!!) I worked on business stuff today. I’m taking Friday and Sunday off. I’m thinking about going to the sauna on Sunday, but I don’t want to leave my house. LOL. I already have to go grocery shopping on Saturday. The sauna is nice, but I have to think about it more. One of my clients gave me an extra $200 for Christmas!! (and I don’t even celebrate it) I can’t think of anything to spend it on. So $35 at the sauna sounds like a good way to spend a little money.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. Relax. 🙂

Steady Now

I was all stressed out about having to get a colonoscopy, but I don’t have to get one. At least that’s what my therapist says. I’m delaying it. I’m nowhere near the age of 50. Yes, my uncle died of colon cancer. Yes, I’ve lost 16 pounds since July. Yes, I can barely eat.

But I don’t want to get a colonoscopy. Not right now. I’m stressed the fuck out. I’ve NEVER been this stressed in my life. I don’t need a colonoscopy on top of that. There’s way too much work involved. I have to pay for a company to drive me and wait for me. Plus, I can’t even drink Gatorade without throwing up, so how can I drink the liquid they want me to drink? That’s just some of the stuff I have to deal with. Not to mention the stuff EVERYONE hates.

I feel weird for disobeying my doctor. What if it comes back to haunt me? I don’t mind dying, so that’s not an issue. I don’t want a painful death, though. But there’s a sigh of relief that I’m saying NO.

Fuck this shit. Who’s paying for all this shit? ME. Health insurance might pay for some of the colonoscopy, but I have to pay for at least 20%, and I have to pay for the ride (minimum $200). So, no, thank you. And it’s not just about money. I’m paying with MY TIME and STRESS.

I don’t know much. But I do know I need therapy more than twice a month. I’m thinking of going weekly just until my stress levels are normal. And all my eating problems may be due to STRESS and ANXIETY. It might have nothing to do with a fucking hernia. I don’t know. Sigh.

And none of my problems have nothing to do with the pandemic. Unfortunately. Well, my dad is here now. He’s not taking the pandemic seriously, so I feel like I might get Covid from him! Added stress!!

Other than all the above, nothing much is going on. I’m just working 24/7. I did take most of last Sunday off. And I will try it again this weekend. What is it like to have a weekend off? Wouldn’t I like to know!

Current events – I would be pissed if I lived in Georgia, and I had to vote again. I watched their Senate debates, and wow, the Republicans are horrid. Shocking. But I’m not impressed with the Democrats either. Ossoff isn’t for Medicare for all, but he claims health care should be a human right. Bullshit. I’m just glad I don’t have to vote in that crap. And no, I’m not donating my money to any Democrat. I haven’t done that in about a decade. I like to donate to worthy causes. People who DO SHIT.

It looks like Rahm Emanuel might not get in Biden’s Cabinet. If he does…well, I can’t be any more displeased with Biden. But that would REALLY tick me off.

This week I…

Music of the week: Maggie Rogers, Mariah Carey, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, JoJo, Fiona Apple, Ellie Goulding, H.E.R.

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the week: I finished –

The Meaning of Mariah Carey by Mariah Carey (I don’t know how I feel about this book. Definitely recommend it to fans, but there are some obvious lies in the book. Okay, I only know of two lies, but still. I wouldn’t recommend this book to someone who doesn’t know or care about her).

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but long. Too long. I would recommend it to true crime fans. I have to watch the Netflix special now that I’ve finished the book.)

Weekend Plans: I gained a pound!! I should have mentioned this earlier, but I just thought of it because I’m going to try to make tuna salad tomorrow. Wish me luck. I can’t cook at all. But I need some new food to eat. How did I gain a pound? Banana smoothies. I’m so glad that is working. It’s just a band aid on a serious problem though. I’m working on Saturday. I will try to take most of Sunday off. I NEED it. Blah.

Thanks for reading. Have a nice week/weekend. 🙂

,

I will be found

I’m now 120 pounds. I no longer have jeans that fit. My comfortable weight is 135. I’ve lost 16 pounds since July and only my therapist seems to give a damn.

I made an appointment with my GI doctor. I hope it’s not a waste of time or money. I have to write down all my concerns. I will forget otherwise. WTF is wrong with me? The medicine seems to have almost stopped working. I’m still taking it for now.

If my GI doctor is a worthless piece of shit, I’m going back to the other shithead – my PCP. She’s always late and she’s not going to do anything.

What am I supposed to do? Get down to 100 pounds and then what? Go to the ER? In a pandemic. I’ll pass. I think I’ll just die at home. Slow, painful death. Whatever it takes.

Some of this could be due to stress. These past two weeks have been EXTREMELY stressful. Most of it is due to my job. My freelance customers are getting on my nerves too. But I’m indebted to some of them. I have seven clients. (!!) I emailed one and told her not to give me any work until after December 21, so I have one less person to worry about.

I was thinking about taking an FMLA leave from work, but that is nonpaid and fuck it, I can’t afford that! Thanks to fucking Sears. Assholes. And Joe Biden for making it harder to file for bankruptcy. How can anyone support a person who sides with corporations?

Why am I so stressed out? Because my job is stressful and I’m working all the time. I have to. I can’t even “get another job” because I had to borrow from my 401K to pay bills about two years ago. If I quit, I owe that money back immediately.

So that’s that. I took Thanksgiving day off. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I starting feeling sick and stressed out almost immediately after.

I’m thinking about taking Sundays off from working. If I were healthy, I wouldn’t be doing this, but I feel like I have to take one day off a week. What if I’m suffering from burnout? Taking a day off may be helpful. Fuck it.

Sorry for the outburst. I’m stressed out. I’m not as stressed as I was on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I was sick, so I couldn’t work on my freelance stuff. Then Wednesday at work was extremely stressful.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. This is where I am, but I have to work. No one is going to save me. I don’t have anyone. Health care is tied to employment, which is the worst thing about America. And no one is trying to change that. Well, no one in power is. I just tweeted that I can’t believe I voted for any of these assholes in Congress. They are worthless pieces of shit.

Random: I got the semi-famous client. MORE WORK FOR ME. Yay? I can feel the stress eating up my stomach.

Current events: Oh, god. Biden’s cabinet is horrid. I just can’t. I don’t want diversity in terms of gender and race. I like the diversity of thought. Do you think I care if it’s all white men if they do the right thing? I don’t care. Just do something. CHANGE something. For fucks sake. But Biden is who I thought he was. Nothing has changed. He is…Biden.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Sam Smith, Selena Gomez, Rachel Platten

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but the cases start running together. It’s a long book. Still recommend.)

Weekend Plans: I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. I haven’t been to the store in a month. Since I can’t eat much, it’s hard doing a grocery list. But I have one. Then I’m working the rest of the day. Hopefully, on Sunday I can take the whole day off.

Thanks for reading my rants. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

Nothing compares

Biden is already pissing me off. At least wait until you get in office, dude. And asking people for money during a pandemic is a bad look. He wants money for his transition. He has plenty of billionaire friends. Ask them! Not the public. NOT RIGHT NOW. And he’s not clear enough on his economic plan. I think I know why, but UGH. So annoyed…already.

Biden and his supporters are nothing but moderate Republicans. What’s the difference between a Biden Democrat and a Republican? The Biden Democrat is pro-choice.

No, I’m not calling all people who voted for Biden “Biden supporters.” A lot of his votes were anti-Trump votes. They would have voted for a tomato. They hated Trump. Which is understandable. LOL.

The Biden faction of the Democratic party is why I’m no longer a Democrat. Centrists ruin everything. They don’t want change. They want to keep the status quo. HOW IS THAT WORKING OUT? I just want to strangle some sense into them, but they are stuck in some weird time warp. I can’t with these people. It’s better and easier to try not to understand them.

I had to get that out first. That probably won’t be my last pissed off Biden rant.

My CT scan came back unremarkable, which sounds good, but it isn’t. I wanted an ANSWER. I have none. Why am I sick? Why can’t I eat? One good thing is that someone told me they had a hiatial hernia, and it slowly went away! Say what? I hope that happens to me. She was also 14 when she had her hernia. I’m way older than that. LOL.

The medicine I’m on to be able to eat is not supposed to be taken long term. I’m worried the doctor won’t refill my prescription. I stopped taking the medicine for ten days and the results weren’t good. I could only eat once a day.

Sigh. So still sick, but I’m able to eat about 1,200 to 1,500 calories a day. It’s bland food for the most part, but I don’t think I’m losing any more weight.

Good news – My car passed state inspection!!! Whew. What a relief. I was worried about car repair bills.

I have a call with a potential client on Sunday. She is kind of a big deal. She’s famous in her field. Yes, I already “know” her. This is scary. I hope we can work something out. She wasn’t clear on exactly what she needs, which is so annoying btw. It’s your business; you should know what you need.

This week I…

Music of the week: Sara Bareillis, Lissie, Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, James Arthur, Ellie Goulding, Emily James, Tori Kelly

TV of the week: Trial 4 (so good!)

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray, Generation Why, CounterClock

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers (One of my favorite nonfiction books of all time).

The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt by Russ Harris (Read this book in 2013. Time for a reread).

Weekend Plans: Client work, of course. I hate my business website, so if I’m not swamped with work over Thanksgiving, I’m going to start redoing my site. I think I will have time because most of my clients will probably take Thanksgiving off. I’m going to try to enjoy next week because after that, I know I will have work with at least one client.

Thanks for reading. I’m going to bed now. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂