Me, Myself, and Time

Update on Abilify: I’m still yawning all the time…especially at work. But I don’t come home and crash from exhaustion anymore. In fact, I could be getting stuff done. 😉 I take power cat naps instead. They are awesome. However, I’m still not motivated when it comes to school. I’m doing homework but I’m not studying much. I am reading for fun instead of studying. Great.

I do have more energy. Example: On most Sundays, I would get up after noon. Sometimes it would be 2PM! That has only been happening since the semi-major depression. (a year or two??) Now I’m getting up at 8AM on the weekends. WOW. That is my old life. A life I thought was gone forever.

I guess this is good but I have to adjust. It really seems like it happened overnight.

I am trying to adjust to my new life…and not fall into my old ADD patterns. Even before I’d had any changes, I was going on and on to my therapist about what I would be doing this summer. She was like “Woah! Don’t try to do too many things or you’ll get overwhelmed.” Well that is the story of my life. I have so many interests. Let me back up. All of these plans are not interests. I talked about taking a cooking class (could be fun but I don’t see cooking as a fun thing – well may be some baking). I mentioned seeing a financial adviser because I really want to get out of my house. That is not fun. That is scary. Worst case scenario: I’m stuck because I don’t make enough money/my house won’t sell.

I’m still planning on taking the cooking class. They did a local TV spot on them and now their classes are selling out. A year ago, I NEVER saw a sell out on their calendar so I have to register within the next few weeks. I’m definitely at least taking the crochet classes even though I’m more interested in jewelry making. (There wasn’t a schedule for that so I have to go back and leave my name and number with the cashier).

So that is 3 enjoyable classes AKA no grades!!!! FUN. Interesting. YAY. 🙂

But that’s not all. I’m going to learn how to use mulch on my lawn. I’m going to the dentist in May even though I haven’t called to make the appointment. OMG, my stomach just flipped. I’m not scared of getting my teeth cleaned. I’m scared of the X-rays. I always gag on those things. And to make matters worse…I googled “going to the dentist without getting X-rays done”. Guess what? A dentist said this is a liability issue! Can I sign away my rights? Heh. Shouldn’t I be able to get my teeth cleaned without X-rays? I’m dumbfounded. Trust me I will be high on Ativan. I don’t usually take it (makes me sleepy) but I’m taking 3 times the amount I was prescribed just to go to the dentist.

If I have to have Xrays…this is going to suck. I may not go through with it. I gag. What am I suppose to do. Be put to sleep? They do that to kids sometimes* but I don’t know how that is done so…

*There was a recent story about a boy under 5 years old who died from the anesthesia. He had a dental issue and they put him under. It wasn’t a necessary dental procedure. I feel so bad for the mom. Can you imagine her pain? I can’t.

Just reading this screams “ADD” to me. AND I’m also thinking about going to grad school (only if my job pays, I would not consider it otherwise). LOL. At this point I’m either getting a PHD in psychology – educational or a Master’s in Fine Arts (MFA) with a concentration in jewelry making. To get the MFA, I have to set up a portfolio of at least 12 items I’ve made in the past two years. So I need to make about….12 items. LOL. And they have to be good. Promising. Show talent. I also probably need letters of recommendations (ick!) and some test. Obviously to get a PHD, I need the recommendations, to take the GRE and have an interview. The MFA might require an interview also.

I know all this seems nuts. Or to me it does. But it will take me at least one year to have 12 items. As I’ve said, I already have the basics of jewelry making down but none of that is good enough for a MFA. I can make and have sold my leather necklaces and that is pretty much it. So I would need to take as many “fun” classes as I can and hone my craft. I don’t even know if I have the talent.

The PHD just seems daunting. I would only take one class a semester. Note: Don’t tell the school that when I’m interviewed.

I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to do research not teach– animal research. No matter the research a PHD is required to do your own thing. See? I’m fucking OOC.

OOC =out of control.

Catherine & Demi
on stands now

I’m very proud of Demi Lovato and Catherine Zeta Jones for admitting they have bipolar disorder. How long before the public thinks bipolar disorder doesn’t exist because “all of a sudden these celebrities are coming out”. Call me cynical. Whatever. I hope they deal with it okay. It isn’t easy. From what I’ve read, Demi seems so relieved to know that she has a diagnosis. I can relate.

Never gonna get it

This entry will seem like a broken record. However, it seems like someone from my 3D life has found my blog or it has taken this person weeks to say something clever. (yes I’m being facetious).

I’m not friendly. If friendly means nice to you fine. I used to be nice until I heard what people were saying. They said bad things about me simply because I didn’t talk! I was a loner. An introvert…and shy. When I heard people saying these things I was hurt. Why should they talk about me just because I’m shy? (so naive!) Um, after years of listening to people talk about me and other people I figured out how people operated.

Yeah, I’m not so nice anymore. In fact I’m fed up with most people. I give some a chance but then I find out they are just like “most people”. I’ve grouped them into the group called “social people”.

Why am I always having to explain myself?

JNx: “I’m a social person”.

(What I wanted to say): I’m not so STFU!

😉

I can’t even begin to think how these people think. It’s foreign to me. Everything I’ve figured out is through keeping quiet and studying/analyzing them.

Why am I meditating on them? Well it’s kinda hard not to. They dictate everything. They set the norms. I’m considered weird because of their perceptions. I’m fed up! A little.

I started this entry because I’m so confused on how I’m the bad person when it comes to everything (heh) but specifically house guests. A person who doesn’t mind house guest could not be more different than me. I know these people exist. Google “house guests” and you’ll find being who get OFFENDED if you don’t want them to stay at your place.

Baffling. My place is my only semi-safe place. To have someone demand to stay there is rude, unsympathetic. I go to work where people are constantly around. When I finally get home and close the door, it is nice to finally let loose and be weird me. I’m pretty sure if I were me at work, I would not be there. Trust me. With a person being at my home, I have to continue to be on again. Being on 18/7 is exhausting (for me).

WHY AM I EXPLAINING MYSELF AGAIN? I’m territorial. You invaded my turf. Got it? Probably not.
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I was feeling sick on Thursday. Physically & mentally. That morning I decided it was easier to just buy coffee instead of making it. I had the best, filling breakfast burrito and a cappuccino. But turning to food for comfort is bad for so many reasons. Not just because it could turn into a health hazard. I don’t want to spend $4.00 on breakfast. I’m working OT every Saturday to pay for school. I’m not working that much OT (about 16 hours a month which is nothing compared to what the work at home people do. My god, they must be rich….Overtime won’t last forever. The hiring freeze is going away soon. I’m thrilled about that but they still won’t/can’t hire enough people).

I’m so glad we get an extra hour tonight. Yay.

I have to register for classes at work on Monday. I will figure out how many classes I’m taking tomorrow. I’m leaning towards 4 instead of 3 because I want the summer off. I have no idea how much this is going to cost me. I’ve been avoiding it. I’m scared…………….

Tomorrow I will make sure I have all the user names, passwords, class #s so I can register at work. I was supposed to do it from the comfort of my laptop but I’m in training at work and can’t take any time off. :/

perfectly alone

The AC hasn’t gone out but it is 81 degrees in here so something ain’t right. heh. Today was the hottest day. It has to be a record. I was supposed to take my dog to get her nails trimmed but I decided it was too hot. Sorry pup…maybe next weekend? And I’m not mowing the lawn either. I don’t care how bad it looks. It has to be below 95 before I’ll get the mower out.

Today I realized I have two finals next week. I thought I only had one. This sucks. If I were more organized, I would have known. I’m taking one on Wednesday and one on Saturday. I’m not ready for either.

Speaking of school, I’ve decided to take the fall semester off! It was a hard decision – well not financially. It really was more about money then anything. Anyhow, I’m really looking forward to reading books for fun! What a novel concept. I cannot wait. First up, will probably be The Promise (the book about Obama’s first year of presidency). I had it on my to read list – the list is over 500 books long – but I didn’t want to read it anytime soon. But my dad gave it to me so I’m going to delve in. People have raved about it. I’m interested to know what could possibly be so *new* about Obama’s first year…after all I do follow the news but I’ll read it anyway.

My job will pay for an associates, a BA, Masters or PHD. They won’t pay for my certification. I talked to one school about their associate program. It sounded interesting and wow, I’ll get reimbursed! Then I told her I had my BA and she said, “Why would you want to go back?? I always say go forward.” Ummmmmmm, a Masters won’t do shit for me. I would only get one if I could take 1 class a semester and be reimbursed. That would take forever but I don’t hate school…

So I did look into getting my Masters again. I looked at the classes and found most of them boring. I have zero desire to be a manager. I see what they do everyday. *yawn* I’ll take my job with much less pay. I wish I could be a teacher. But with this standardized test BS and my inability to um, speak – not an option. Of course one day, I’m going to be “fine” and say I wish I would have gotten my Masters in Education or in whatever I wanted to teach.

I’m not counting on that ever happening. But it could. And if I get the teaching bug, I would probably get into tutoring. I would rather get an associates or another BA but first I have to get finish with what I’m doing now. Winter 2011, I’m all in.

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I have finals next week and instead of studying I’ve been captivated by a blog – Childfreedom. How could I not heard of this blog before?? I can relate to so much of it. It’s so funny because it’s true. Comedy. Let me backtrack a little: All of my life I have wanted a house full of animals. Dogs, birds, guinea pigs, pigs, fish, sheep, cats etc. But this past weekend with the Mayer concert, I am now rethinking even getting a dog. (My dog lives with my mom. I got her when I was 18 then went away to college at 20. Boring story…) If I had just one dog, I would have to board the dog. That’s more $. Besides I want two dogs. Not happening. I think I realized it this past weekend more than ever because things were more spontaneous than I’m used to. I tend to try to plan things out. I’m so glad my 4 year old cat can take care of herself. I guess the dream of having a zoo won’t be happening….ever. 😦 Of course if I can’t have my dream zoo, NO KIDS.

Back to the blog: The funniest is The Bitch and Backpedal. Parents do this alllll the time. That is why I’ll try (very hard) never to say, “that’s why I have/want kids.” Because they will take back everything they said. And talk about how great being a parent is. Yeah right. You aren’t fooling me. Excerpt:

And then, without thinking, it slips out of you. “Man, I am so glad I don’t have kids.”

That is the trigger for The Backpedal. Abruptly the gears come to a screeching halt and the parent reverses into an alternate self, like the little girl in The Exorcist after the demon is exorcised from her, or Sybill when she switches between her multiple personalities. Their entire demeanor changes. Their face softens and takes on a glowy hue. Suddenly parenthood isn’t bad at all. In fact, it’s downright peachy! It’s the most important job in the world and they can’t imagine having any other life. You really don’t know what you’re missing. Those little moments when the child says, “I love you mommy and daddy” make it so worth it. There is nothing like the feeling of those little arms around your neck. It is a love that is stronger than any love they have ever felt. They are a better person for having kids – they have grown so much as a person and aren’t so selfish anymore. The entire human race is better off because they have kids. Being a parent is so wonderful and their most important and gratifying role in life. (At this point, they’re worried you aren’t buying it, so to bolster their position they whip out the photo album

LOL. So true. Ah, parents, gotta stand them. 🙂 I’m on to you guys. I’m not being fooled.

I don’t care what other people do with their lives. But the whole entitlement thing is what really pisses me off. I try not to think about it. PARENTING IS A CHOICE. You chose to have a kid. I don’t think you are a good person because you have a kid – where does that BS come from? I have to laugh at it. Um, yeah I made a choice to have a kid(s), and now I’m forced to deal with their crap for 18+ years. Yeah it sucks but you know it was a CHOICE right???? People act like they just had to do it. It is the weirdest thing to me.

Know what really grates on my nerves? The Motherhood Badge of Martyrdom that some women wear emblazoned on their being. It can be spotted from a mile away. Women who wear this badge like to portray themselves as some kind of saintly beings for all they sacrifice in their role as mother.

For some reason, this behavior is not only tolerated from mothers, it’s expected and reinforced. Always there is this perception of mothers as self-sacrificing saints, who give tirelessly of themselves for the benefit of others. The longer they stand on their martyr pedestal, the more we are supposed to recognize how hard they work, how wonderful they are and bow down to worship them appropriately. This is such a crock of BS.

Now I’m getting worked up! Read more of that entry here.

Childfree people (by choice*) go check out Childfreedom. You will find a little solace there. There are people like you! They know they have a CHOICE whether to have a kid. They THINK about it.

*I believe childfree is the term used for when it is always a CHOICE. While people who want kids (one day) are childless. I didn’t make up the terms. I do love childFREE though because yeah, I probably have a little more freedom than some parents because I CHOSE not to have children. I don’t think I have anymore money though…In my last post I said I don’t identify by gender, sexuality or ethnicity but I do identify very much as childfree…MAYBE BECAUSE IT IS A CHOICE???!!! Seriously I think it is because children and parenting get shoved down everyone’s throat so much. Don’t tell me how great it is. I know you are lying. I’m not dumb. It sucks a lot.

But unlike some, I realize people are different and some people choose to have kids. They thought about it. They enjoy it. Baffling I know, but these people do exist. I could care less what whether a person has a kid or not but please stop trying to convert others with “It is the best thing you’ll ever do!” etc. Oh, really?? Because deciding not to have kids has been my best (non) decision ever.
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I’m going to study for an hour and go to bed. Uh, I mean that is my plan.

Feelings show

I’m in school. Classes start today. I don’t have my books. One is coming tomorrow. Unfortunately I was dumb enough to buy a used copy at a verrrrrrrry low price so that means I have no idea when that is coming. If she shipped it media mail, it could take until June 14th to come. LOL. I will not do well if that is the case. This is a 10 week summer class. My fault. Teacher seems cool. My only issue is that we have to take these two classes currently…yet she schedules the mid-term and final during the same week! These are the only tests we have so ugh. Sucks.

Another issue is that I don’t have reliable internet access. So I pretty much have to take my tests at the college. Once you start, you can’t stop. Taking the tests at home would be a huge advantage. I could have my notes in an organized matter. Make all the noise I want searching for the notes. Throwing things out of the way etc. I’m way too much of a considerate/self-conscious person to do this in a computer lab so ack. My mom has broadband but her browser crashes so much that it isn’t even worth trying. That would be just as perfect as doing it at home.

Maybe I will contact the teacher before midterms but if she isn’t computer savy (or she has a mac – lol), she’ll be like, “huh?” or “WTF” or “just go on campus you dimwit”.

waahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

One more good thing: The week ends on a Saturday. I had one class where the week ended on Friday night and that sucked! And I don’t even go out on Friday nights. Ever. I hated that schedule. Plus it was a hard class involving legal research and writing papers. The classes I’m taking now are work related so I’m not starting from scratch. But looking at an old edition of the book, did make me question if it was a good idea to take this during the summer. The verbiage is familiar but I’ve only been doing this for 2 years (at work) and due to lack of trainers, I haven’t gone to the next step. Vague enough? How about the run on sentences?

I can write awesome resumes and A or B papers. The resumé thing is in case anyone is interested. Actually now would not be a good time. 😉 (And I know my blog does not reflect I can write anything but this is casual writing. I think waaaaaaaaaaaay faster than I type. And I don’t proofread this stuff cuz it is a journal. Does anyone proofread their paper journal? I don’t.)
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Sorry about the rant. I haven’t eaten dinner. I mowed the lawn and looked at the syllabus and power point presentations since I don’t have textbooks.

I did want to post about so much but school has to be a priority. I will just write about what I titled this blog. I got that title from a song as I do when I can’t think of a title or if a song is stuck in my head. (Feelings Show by Colbie Calliat)

Sigh.

Okay, so today I was brought into the manager’s office about a huge effin’ change at work….for me only. Of course. Grrr! I was so shocked that when she told me, I rolled my eyes!!!!!!! Huge deal. I spent the first 25 years of my life really being the shy, nice girl. I was/am shy and I WAS nice.Then I started taking social anxiety related meds & getting fed up with being treated a certain way.

The medicine didn’t cure my social anxiety but I started walking around more. Before I would sit at my desk for 8 hours. I was too scared to get up. I would wear the plainest, too-big-for-me clothes because I didn’t want people looking at me. (I still hate people looking/staring at me but now dude, I have style! 🙂 ) I would never, ever make eye contact. (I’m a little better with that but I don’t have it down at all). I really was invisible. That wasn’t 100% bad. Because now with the meds + being fed up = me not being the nice girl. I was trying to find myself since I never spoke (still don’t really) but Buddhism says there is no self. So I’m all confused. What is wrong with trying to find my personality. It was hidden for about 28 years! So screw that.

Gosh, I’m rambling. All my life I’ve worn my feelings on my sleeve. Always. So unless I know something in advance, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET AN HONEST REACTION FROM ME. I assumed that my manager was going to talk about something from last week since I was on vacay all last week. So I thought I knew what she was going to say then BAM she put me on St. Barts with 3.5 reality stars from The Real Housewives of NYC. (need to see the show to get reference). Sonja is .5 because she has some empathy and is mature.

Sigh. I’ve been trying to not show my reactions but WAIT people say that is bad???! So I’m supposed to roll my eyes? It isn’t like I thought, “sigh and roll your eyes”. I was shocked! We had a good convo after the shocking change about NYC. So she knew I didn’t resent/hate it for the news. I did almost start tearing up when she talked about the World Trade Center. I knew she thought, “I don’t want to bring the crazy out so next subject.” It’s sad that when you show emotions people call you nuts. You have to do this a lot to get this title. TMI since this blog is “anonymous”.

I don’t know how not to show my emotions. I’m sick of some people telling me it is good, while others say it is bad. I just want to be me. But me is not accepted in a corporate world. TRUST ME!

I will find me and then let go of the idea of me. I just never had a me because I was/am always trying to please them!

go back to school?

I’m just thinking out loud. Assuming the company’s policy doesn’t change due to the economy, they will reimburse us for classes towards a degree. A year ago I was working on a certificate. The company won’t pay for that (even though it is much cheaper) because it isn’t a degree. I was planning on taking my 2nd class this summer.

I have a BA. It would take less time to get another BA. Or should I go the master’s route, which has sooo many cons.
-Where I’m I going to get references? (#1 prob)
-I’m not sure what to major in.
-It is very expensive. (Yes the school will reimburse but will I be at this company FOREVER?)
-I would have to take and pass the GRE. (or whatever it is called)
-I’ve already joked that getting a master’s would make getting a job harder. (Not a joke. I have a hard time getting jobs because I have a BA. They’re like “What are you doing here if you have a degree??” Trust me, it is hard being taking seriously when you are applying for ‘non-college’ job.)

On the other hand getting a BA in what?? I still don’t know what I want to do. I think I would like the challenge of biology or getting a master’s in psychology research. It’s pathetic that I’m still in the “I don’t know what I want to do mode?”

Well let me dream for a second. I would love to go out into the wild and study wild animals. I don’t know anything about that. Is that freelanced? lol. Do I get hired? Am I out there alone?

Anyway, it would take forever to get a BA or a master’s because I’d only take a class or two a semester. I know I could always be a teacher (and make my mom happy) but there are so many cons to that too. I’ll do another list:
-my communication skills
-I’m scared to stand in front of people
-I would rather teach kids under 10 but I have no desire to deal with the few nutso parents. 😉 So that leaves junior high or high school when they are ruined by the environment. How cynical. ( I know both groups have the “my child is perfect” parent but I feel like I would see them more with the little kids..
-The whole standardized test thing has got to go. I hate it. Having your kids pass doesn’t mean you are a great teacher or vice versa. The whole system angers me.
-I would hate to fail a child even though I would because it is for the best of the child.
– The teenagers would laugh at me but that’s okay, I’m used to that. 🙂

However, I have always enjoyed teaching. I love making up tests and checking them. In second grade, I told my teacher that I wanted to be a teacher and she tried to talk me out of it. THANKS. I still don’t know what that was about. I was 7 or 8 making A’s. I never got into trouble…weird.

So I’m going to think about this more. Go over the pro and cons in my paper journal. I only want to hurry because I don’t have much time to make a decision. I was planning to sign up for my class (@ community college) in less than 30 days.