She’s coming to life again

ALERT: I am not renewing this domain name. So my website will be going back to – http://www.paperthoughts.wordpress.com sometime soon. I might have this on every entry until my domain expires.

My dad got the first COVID vaccine shot. I was happy for him, but he says he’s not going back to get the second shot. So what’s the freaking point??? Maybe he will change his mind. I probably won’t be able to get the vaccine until summer. I’m not overly concerned about it. I just hope I only have to get one shot.

My illness has a name! Gastroparesis is what I have. Only 39% of my food is leaving my stomach when it should be 100%. Unfortunately, I’m not able to take any medication due to the antidepressant I’m on. So I’m still losing weight. I’m down to 116 pounds.

I’m going to try to get off this antidepressant that I like so that I can get on medication. There is no cure for gastroparesis. So I guess I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life so I can eat? Will I be able to go to McDonald’s? Will I be able to eat pizza? Drink coffee? I have no idea. I’m just sick of losing weight, getting sick, and not being able to eat anything.

Hopefully, all this is resolved in six weeks. It will be a lot of going back and forth. Why is everything so complicated? I don’t want to quit taking my antidepressant. It isn’t perfect or anything, but I like it.

Oh, I’m not getting a colonoscopy. I can’t remember what I said last time I posted. I keep changing my mind! It might be a mistake, but whatever. Nothing I read about gastroparesis said anything about the colon. So that’s that.

I’m so excited. I just booked my birthday vacation! Last year I couldn’t go anywhere. It wasn’t just due to COVID. I had no money. I lost all my money through an online scam. I had $15 left in my bank account.

I’m leaving on Monday, May 17, and returning that Thursday. It’s not out of state. It’s about 90 minutes from where I live. I’ve never been to this state park before, so I’m nervous about how nice it will be and, more importantly, how my dog will react. We have a screened-in porch, so even if it rains, I hope I can enjoy nature. However, my dog likes to bark at humans and animals, so I’m worried he’ll bark at anyone near.

I have something to look forward to! This is a big deal because recently I’ve had nothing to look forward to. I’ve just been working every day.

Because of COVID, I have to take my sheets and cover. That’s the only difference. I’m going to buy the cheapest sheets and a nice blanket. Nope, I don’t have extra sheets lying around.

Yay, for birthday vacays!!!

Current events: No checks for the people. The end. And Biden promised $2,000; now he’s backtracking to $1,400. This is typical Biden behavior and should shock no one who pays attention. Most of his supporters don’t watch/read the news, so they probably don’t know how they are getting screwed. Yes, I will continue to trash Biden supporters for picking the wrong candidate.

This week I…

Music of the week: Amy Grant, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Ed Sheeran, Maggie Rogers, Mandy Moore, Tori Kelly, Bishop Briggs

TV of the week:  Real Housewives of the OC

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage

Books of the Week: I’ve finished more books since I last posted.

Dear Justyce by Nic Stone. Fiction. Part two of a series. Not as good as the first, but a must read in the series. 4/5

Kent State by Deborah Wiles. Nonfiction. This book is about the murder of 4 students protesting the Vietnam War. Great read, but short. I want to read more about this horrible day. 5/5

Weekend Plans: I’m working today. One of my clients is launching something, so I have a lot of different things to do. As of right now, I’m taking tomorrow off. I take one day a week off. Four days a month. That doesn’t seem like much. But when I start a new client on March 1, it will be a struggle to keep taking Sundays off but I will try.

Thanks for reading. Bookmark my ‘new’ site – http://www.paperthoughts.wordpress.com. Have a great weekend/week. 🙂

What I Pretend to Be

I had another test for my mysterious illness. It was $200. What if it’s like everything else and shows nothing? I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of taking time off from work to go to the doctor. I’m sick of not being able to eat and drink most things. I’m sick of losing weight.

I should find out the test results next Friday. I hope the doctor finds something. Or I might have to get a colonoscopy. I am 100% against this. LOL. I’ll find out soon about this.

I’m listening to a class on taxes as I type this. Since I have a day job, I hope my business won’t make me owe taxes. Unfortunately, due to debt consolidation, I won’t be able to do my taxes until late March. I’m using Quickbooks and Turbo Tax for taxes this year. I forgot that there is a self-employment tax in addition to income taxes. AHHHH!

I want to make more money in my business this year, but I’m not looking forward to paying taxes.

About a week ago, I was excited for the first time in a while. I had something to look forward to. I was planning to quit my day job in 2024 and moving to Mexico. However, I’ve done all the research, and I won’t take my dog to Mexico.* I refuse. So I’m stuck in this shithole country. Bummer. But not for long. I will move to Mexico (probably Oaxaca City – but I’m not sure) one day.

*Mexico is not bad for dogs. Lots of people move to Mexico with their dogs. But I refuse to drive in Mexico for many reasons and I’m not doing the airplane thing with my dog.

So I’m back to living for nothing and hustling for nothing. I had to hustle this week, and I’m still not done. I’ve been working my ass off, and what do I have to show for it? NOTHING. This is too depressing to think about.

Nothing to see here. My physical and mental health suck. The end.

GOOD NEWS: My aunt was released from the hospital. She had COVID and stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks.

Current events: Oh, who cares? We get a new shitty president in a few days. Seriously, I will hate him less if he does a good vaccine rollout (and I think he will). But the other things he’s proposing? I just can’t. He’s going to be bad for progressives. The centrists will love him. Most of them probably don’t watch the news and think Nancy Pelosi is a good leader.

This week I…

Music of the week: Joss Stone, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, Rachel Platten, Ed Sheeran, Ingrid Michaelson

TV of the week:  This is Us, The Crown

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, The Astrology Podcast

Books of the Week: This year I’ve decided I want to read more. Instead of working, I now take at least 45 minutes to read before bed. I hope I can keep this up. I’ve finished three books so far. I don’t normally read fiction, but I’m trying that too with mixed results.

I finished Lying Next to Me by Gregg Olson.  Fiction. 3.5 stars out of 5. It’s a thriller. It could have been better. If you’re bored and like thrillers, you’ll be okay with this book.

I finished Death’s Awakening (Eternal Sorrows Book 1) by Sarra Cannon Ummm. This is definitely not my usual genre. It has zombies. ROFL. It was okay. Another 3.5 stars out of 5. I might consider reading the next book, but I’m not sure. It’s not available at the library, so I would have to pay $4 for it. I enjoyed some of it, but I’m not really into fantasy.

Dear Martin by Nic Stone was my favorite read of 2021 (so far). Martin is Martin Luther King. The main character occasionally writes letters to him. The book is about racial justice…if I had to sum it up. It’s so good. It’s hard to explain what’s good about it. If you like social justice topics and fiction, you will probably love this book. I’m on the waitlist for book two of this series. Can’t wait.

I’m reading two more books, but I’ll mention them when I finish them.

Weekend Plans: WORKING. I will take Sunday off. I have nothing planned. I might get some reading done. I just want a week off to do nothing. That will probably never happen for me. I need stress relief. I’ll stop rambling and take my dog for a quick walk.

Thanks for reading. Have a good weekend/week. 🙂

Happy fucking 2021!

My aunt with MS and a lot of other health issues is in the hospital with COVID. I don’t want to hear anything about how great 2021 will be. It’s just another day. I don’t mark my time in years anyway.

Who the fuck has a good year? 12 whole months of goodness? I made a lot of money in my business this year. I surpassed my goals. However, I didn’t make a lot of money at my job. My net income was less than $24K.

Edit: I guess I should say I made a lot in my business FOR ME. It was about $5K. I will probably post the exact amount sometime in the future. Considering that I’m brand new and don’t know what I’m doing….$5,000 isn’t bad for year one of a business. Plus, I’m working full-time, so less time for the business.

And I got sick in July. Really sick. I’m still sick. I still don’t know what’s wrong. Anytime I get a day off work, I have to go to the doctor. I haven’t been able to get a mammogram because I have to figure out why I lost 19 pounds in less than 6 months.

I weigh between 117 and 118. I think that’s underweight for my height. Gaining weight is hard. It’s even harder when you can’t eat anything. I’m so sick of searching for smoothies and it’s all healthy shit.

I will probably get a colonoscopy. What else am I supposed to do? Die? I’m not happy about having to pay for it. The cost without anesthesia is $280. By the time, I add the anesthesia, medicine, transportation, it could end up at $500.

Happy fucking 2021! The shit doesn’t end for me. Maybe it does for others. Still sick. Still stressed out. I’m probably burned out. I worked enough to be burned out. That’s for sure. What do I have to show for it? I paid some medical bills.

If my aunt dies, I’m going to be pissed off.

My dad got hit by a car. He is supposed to go to court for jaywalking (ROFL – sorry, but that’s a joke), but I doubt he goes. He fractured his leg and had to have surgery. He is recovering now.

Current Events: Fuck all these politicians. Bernie Sanders might get a pass this week. But no one else!!

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Patty Griffin, Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Kari Jobe, Sara Bareilles, Selena Gomez, Tupac

TV of the week: Dexter, This is Us

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the Week: John Wayne Gacy: Defending a Monster: The True Story of the Lawyer Who Defended One of the Most Evil Serial Killers in History by Sam Amirante I finished this book last week. This is probably the best book I read this year.

Lying Next to Me by Gregg Olson

Death’s Awakening (Eternal Sorrows Book 1) by Sarra Cannon

I’m trying fiction. I don’t know how this will go.

Weekend Plans: I am off NYE and New Year’s Day from my day job (RARE!!!) I worked on business stuff today. I’m taking Friday and Sunday off. I’m thinking about going to the sauna on Sunday, but I don’t want to leave my house. LOL. I already have to go grocery shopping on Saturday. The sauna is nice, but I have to think about it more. One of my clients gave me an extra $200 for Christmas!! (and I don’t even celebrate it) I can’t think of anything to spend it on. So $35 at the sauna sounds like a good way to spend a little money.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. Relax. 🙂

Steady Now

I was all stressed out about having to get a colonoscopy, but I don’t have to get one. At least that’s what my therapist says. I’m delaying it. I’m nowhere near the age of 50. Yes, my uncle died of colon cancer. Yes, I’ve lost 16 pounds since July. Yes, I can barely eat.

But I don’t want to get a colonoscopy. Not right now. I’m stressed the fuck out. I’ve NEVER been this stressed in my life. I don’t need a colonoscopy on top of that. There’s way too much work involved. I have to pay for a company to drive me and wait for me. Plus, I can’t even drink Gatorade without throwing up, so how can I drink the liquid they want me to drink? That’s just some of the stuff I have to deal with. Not to mention the stuff EVERYONE hates.

I feel weird for disobeying my doctor. What if it comes back to haunt me? I don’t mind dying, so that’s not an issue. I don’t want a painful death, though. But there’s a sigh of relief that I’m saying NO.

Fuck this shit. Who’s paying for all this shit? ME. Health insurance might pay for some of the colonoscopy, but I have to pay for at least 20%, and I have to pay for the ride (minimum $200). So, no, thank you. And it’s not just about money. I’m paying with MY TIME and STRESS.

I don’t know much. But I do know I need therapy more than twice a month. I’m thinking of going weekly just until my stress levels are normal. And all my eating problems may be due to STRESS and ANXIETY. It might have nothing to do with a fucking hernia. I don’t know. Sigh.

And none of my problems have nothing to do with the pandemic. Unfortunately. Well, my dad is here now. He’s not taking the pandemic seriously, so I feel like I might get Covid from him! Added stress!!

Other than all the above, nothing much is going on. I’m just working 24/7. I did take most of last Sunday off. And I will try it again this weekend. What is it like to have a weekend off? Wouldn’t I like to know!

Current events – I would be pissed if I lived in Georgia, and I had to vote again. I watched their Senate debates, and wow, the Republicans are horrid. Shocking. But I’m not impressed with the Democrats either. Ossoff isn’t for Medicare for all, but he claims health care should be a human right. Bullshit. I’m just glad I don’t have to vote in that crap. And no, I’m not donating my money to any Democrat. I haven’t done that in about a decade. I like to donate to worthy causes. People who DO SHIT.

It looks like Rahm Emanuel might not get in Biden’s Cabinet. If he does…well, I can’t be any more displeased with Biden. But that would REALLY tick me off.

This week I…

Music of the week: Maggie Rogers, Mariah Carey, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, JoJo, Fiona Apple, Ellie Goulding, H.E.R.

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the week: I finished –

The Meaning of Mariah Carey by Mariah Carey (I don’t know how I feel about this book. Definitely recommend it to fans, but there are some obvious lies in the book. Okay, I only know of two lies, but still. I wouldn’t recommend this book to someone who doesn’t know or care about her).

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but long. Too long. I would recommend it to true crime fans. I have to watch the Netflix special now that I’ve finished the book.)

Weekend Plans: I gained a pound!! I should have mentioned this earlier, but I just thought of it because I’m going to try to make tuna salad tomorrow. Wish me luck. I can’t cook at all. But I need some new food to eat. How did I gain a pound? Banana smoothies. I’m so glad that is working. It’s just a band aid on a serious problem though. I’m working on Saturday. I will try to take most of Sunday off. I NEED it. Blah.

Thanks for reading. Have a nice week/weekend. 🙂

,

I will be found

I’m now 120 pounds. I no longer have jeans that fit. My comfortable weight is 135. I’ve lost 16 pounds since July and only my therapist seems to give a damn.

I made an appointment with my GI doctor. I hope it’s not a waste of time or money. I have to write down all my concerns. I will forget otherwise. WTF is wrong with me? The medicine seems to have almost stopped working. I’m still taking it for now.

If my GI doctor is a worthless piece of shit, I’m going back to the other shithead – my PCP. She’s always late and she’s not going to do anything.

What am I supposed to do? Get down to 100 pounds and then what? Go to the ER? In a pandemic. I’ll pass. I think I’ll just die at home. Slow, painful death. Whatever it takes.

Some of this could be due to stress. These past two weeks have been EXTREMELY stressful. Most of it is due to my job. My freelance customers are getting on my nerves too. But I’m indebted to some of them. I have seven clients. (!!) I emailed one and told her not to give me any work until after December 21, so I have one less person to worry about.

I was thinking about taking an FMLA leave from work, but that is nonpaid and fuck it, I can’t afford that! Thanks to fucking Sears. Assholes. And Joe Biden for making it harder to file for bankruptcy. How can anyone support a person who sides with corporations?

Why am I so stressed out? Because my job is stressful and I’m working all the time. I have to. I can’t even “get another job” because I had to borrow from my 401K to pay bills about two years ago. If I quit, I owe that money back immediately.

So that’s that. I took Thanksgiving day off. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I starting feeling sick and stressed out almost immediately after.

I’m thinking about taking Sundays off from working. If I were healthy, I wouldn’t be doing this, but I feel like I have to take one day off a week. What if I’m suffering from burnout? Taking a day off may be helpful. Fuck it.

Sorry for the outburst. I’m stressed out. I’m not as stressed as I was on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I was sick, so I couldn’t work on my freelance stuff. Then Wednesday at work was extremely stressful.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. This is where I am, but I have to work. No one is going to save me. I don’t have anyone. Health care is tied to employment, which is the worst thing about America. And no one is trying to change that. Well, no one in power is. I just tweeted that I can’t believe I voted for any of these assholes in Congress. They are worthless pieces of shit.

Random: I got the semi-famous client. MORE WORK FOR ME. Yay? I can feel the stress eating up my stomach.

Current events: Oh, god. Biden’s cabinet is horrid. I just can’t. I don’t want diversity in terms of gender and race. I like the diversity of thought. Do you think I care if it’s all white men if they do the right thing? I don’t care. Just do something. CHANGE something. For fucks sake. But Biden is who I thought he was. Nothing has changed. He is…Biden.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Sam Smith, Selena Gomez, Rachel Platten

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but the cases start running together. It’s a long book. Still recommend.)

Weekend Plans: I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. I haven’t been to the store in a month. Since I can’t eat much, it’s hard doing a grocery list. But I have one. Then I’m working the rest of the day. Hopefully, on Sunday I can take the whole day off.

Thanks for reading my rants. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

Nothing compares

Biden is already pissing me off. At least wait until you get in office, dude. And asking people for money during a pandemic is a bad look. He wants money for his transition. He has plenty of billionaire friends. Ask them! Not the public. NOT RIGHT NOW. And he’s not clear enough on his economic plan. I think I know why, but UGH. So annoyed…already.

Biden and his supporters are nothing but moderate Republicans. What’s the difference between a Biden Democrat and a Republican? The Biden Democrat is pro-choice.

No, I’m not calling all people who voted for Biden “Biden supporters.” A lot of his votes were anti-Trump votes. They would have voted for a tomato. They hated Trump. Which is understandable. LOL.

The Biden faction of the Democratic party is why I’m no longer a Democrat. Centrists ruin everything. They don’t want change. They want to keep the status quo. HOW IS THAT WORKING OUT? I just want to strangle some sense into them, but they are stuck in some weird time warp. I can’t with these people. It’s better and easier to try not to understand them.

I had to get that out first. That probably won’t be my last pissed off Biden rant.

My CT scan came back unremarkable, which sounds good, but it isn’t. I wanted an ANSWER. I have none. Why am I sick? Why can’t I eat? One good thing is that someone told me they had a hiatial hernia, and it slowly went away! Say what? I hope that happens to me. She was also 14 when she had her hernia. I’m way older than that. LOL.

The medicine I’m on to be able to eat is not supposed to be taken long term. I’m worried the doctor won’t refill my prescription. I stopped taking the medicine for ten days and the results weren’t good. I could only eat once a day.

Sigh. So still sick, but I’m able to eat about 1,200 to 1,500 calories a day. It’s bland food for the most part, but I don’t think I’m losing any more weight.

Good news – My car passed state inspection!!! Whew. What a relief. I was worried about car repair bills.

I have a call with a potential client on Sunday. She is kind of a big deal. She’s famous in her field. Yes, I already “know” her. This is scary. I hope we can work something out. She wasn’t clear on exactly what she needs, which is so annoying btw. It’s your business; you should know what you need.

This week I…

Music of the week: Sara Bareillis, Lissie, Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, James Arthur, Ellie Goulding, Emily James, Tori Kelly

TV of the week: Trial 4 (so good!)

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray, Generation Why, CounterClock

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers (One of my favorite nonfiction books of all time).

The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt by Russ Harris (Read this book in 2013. Time for a reread).

Weekend Plans: Client work, of course. I hate my business website, so if I’m not swamped with work over Thanksgiving, I’m going to start redoing my site. I think I will have time because most of my clients will probably take Thanksgiving off. I’m going to try to enjoy next week because after that, I know I will have work with at least one client.

Thanks for reading. I’m going to bed now. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

Evil in the school yard

I have a CT scan on Monday. I took the day off even though I barely have time. If I have to get surgery, I won’t be able to get it until the beginning of February. And then I will only have one week off. Gabby Bernstein said it took her two weeks to recover from hernia surgery. Well, I don’t have two weeks, so I will either go on short term disability (40% pay cut) or work sick.

I’m used to working sick, so I think I can do it. But I have to perform well at my job. I can’t half-ass my job. If I’m in pain, I don’t know how that’s going to work.

I can’t afford a 40% pay cut…even for one week. I live paycheck to paycheck. So someone will not get paid that month.

I’m working on a new way to make extra money this weekend. I have some ideas, but they are all hard. LOL. Everything involves a lot of work. I have some “easy” ideas too. Hopefully, I can come up with something.

It looks like Biden is going to win the election. I already called it. Why is the news so slow? I can’t wait until I can hate on Biden for four years. Wait, I’ve been doing it for years. I don’t hate him as much as I’m disappointed in the people for choosing him. Biden is a decent person. I disagree politically with him on most issues.

Kamala will be president soon anyway, and I’m not saying more on that. I will say I don’t agree with her politics either. But a part of me is hoping she isn’t as corporate as Biden.

This week I…

Music of the week: Sam Smith, Grace Potter, Tori Kelly, Miranda Lambert, Halsey, Ariana Grande, Backstreet Boys, Calvin Harris

I love the new Sam Smith. I haven’t given the new Ariana much of a chance. I liked it but didn’t fall in love after one listen. I don’t like Tori’s Xmas album, but I hate Christmas so…..

TV of the week:  Unsolved Mystery

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, True Crime Garage, Pod Save America, Suspect Convictions, Generation Why

Books of the week: Now reading – 

If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood by Gregg Olson (The child abuse in this book is heartbreaking). 

The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn

Weekend Plans: Working on my business. I’m going to try not to be too anxious about everything in general. One day at a time. Easier said than done.

Have a great weekend/week. Thanks for reading! 🙂

I’ve been lost and found and lost again

Ugh. Life sucks.

I don’t know what’s worse at this point. Pick a problem. Any problem. My health, money, and work are the main categories.

I got an ultrasound on Thursday. A week from now I should hear something from my doctor. I know I still have the hernia. I stopped the medicine after 30 days (per my doctor) and now I’m having difficulties eating breakfast.

I’m scared to weigh myself after this week. My jeans are falling off me. I know I have old jeans somewhere. But who has time to go through old clothes? Anyway, I will be concerned if I get below 120 pounds.

I was off three days this week. Going back is going to be tough for more than one reason. I’m tired. I’m bored. I hate that I can’t make mistakes. The work is too hard. They want us to work too fast. They don’t trust us. They treat us like machines. All my money goes to debt, so what am I working for?

Even my freelance money isn’t giving me enough to save. Savings? Yes, I saved some. I have about $350 in savings. But I might need brakes for my car. I will find out on November 20. I fixed the rear brakes last year. But that wasn’t good enough. That’s not all.

The debt consolidation people dared to ask me to pay an extra $500 a month for 6 months!!! Yes, you read that correctly. I have only $350 in savings. If I had an additional $500 a month, I would have real savings! WTF. I wish I was that well off.

I was so insulted that they even asked me. I’m not Jane – complaining about the election, with no real problems. Dude, I’m suffering. My health is not good. I have other issues that affect my future income that I haven’t even mentioned in this blog.

I don’t have $500 laying around. I was so pissed. I’m still pissed. I work my ass off. More than Jane. I will never stop mentioning Jane. Fuck Jane. Or Suzy. Same person.

Okay, so my life sucks. What else is new?

I’m glad to be working this week/weekend on my freelance work. It’s not paying as much as I would like, but I need the money. ANY MONEY. I think this money will go to car brakes. Unless I don’t need brakes. PLEASE. I could use a break. No pun intended.

About the $500, they are going to renegotiate with Sears. FUCK SEARS. The lady says they are mean to everyone. Yes, she used the word “mean.” If they can’t renegotiate, what do I do? Let them garnish my wages? File bankruptcy? I don’t know. I should know within a month. I owe them $3,000. They want the money back in 6 months. LOL. Why do they think I signed up for debt consolidation?

I’m sick of working for nothing. I work to pay the man. I can’t wait to be debt-free. I might buy a house one day. I know I will have to buy a car one day. Where I live, a car is a necessity. Plus, I want to move to a rural area. I live in the suburbs right now (right outside of the city).

They still haven’t gotten my ballot. With all that is going on, do you think I care? NO. I don’t give a shit. I’m pissed that I even wasted my time. In 2021, I will vote absentee again, but I won’t mail it back. I’ll drop the ballot off next time.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Mandy Moore, Ed Sheeran, Grace Potter, James Arthur, Jojo

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Forbidden Love

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Forensic Files

Books of the week: Now reading – 

The Meaning of Mariah Carey by Mariah Carey

If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood by Gregg Olson (The child abuse in this book is heartbreaking).

The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn

Weekend Plans: Working. If it doesn’t rain, I may do yoga outside tomorrow morning. I need it. It’s 9:26 on Friday night and I’m so tired. I’ve been so anxious that I haven’t been able to nap. Napping lessons my anxiety after a work day. So not napping is bad for me.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week/weekend. 🙂

I want more best days

When I think I have some time, my clients give me work out of the blue! I shouldn’t be complaining. I really could use the money. The problem is one person pays two weeks late. And two clients are paying me a low rate. I have four clients. Sigh.

I’m thinking about dumping everyone since I know what I do and don’t like to do. BUT I need to find a person to replace these clients. And finding one client who pays and has work I enjoy doing would be a full-time job. I don’t have time to do that, so now I’m back to feeling semi-stuck.

One client is paying a nice rate, and I don’t hate doing the work. It’s just time-consuming.

I’m thinking about pivoting my online biz to offering Pinterest only. But I’m nervous. I’m not confident. This may be my only way out of this hell.

I’m blogging here, so I won’t keep working. I wish I could take Sundays off. That would be nice. Many people only work five days a week or less, and they make a lot more than me. That’s always a fun fact to keep in mind.

My ballot is on the way back. I mailed it over two weeks ago. They haven’t gotten it, which is probably normal. I don’t care about my vote. Virginia will be blue, so if it gets rejected, I will NOT vote in person. But if my mom’s ballot gets rejected and I have to take her to vote, I might vote too. If I’m going to wait, I may as well vote. I wish I didn’t have to take her. All I know is that I’m NOT voting on election day. That’s for sure.

As of today, I think Biden is going to win. I just want this election to be over. I usually enjoy politics. But I’m pissed at the people for voting for Biden and Trump. People ruin everything. The Dems are lucky. I think any Dem would be winning right now. I hope the pro-establishment, centrists, Democrats are super happy right now. No sarcasm there.

I’ve just been working and pissed at the establishment. My hernia is still here. I think. I have an ultrasound on the 22nd. I’m scared they will say I have to have surgery. I barely have any time off after October, so it’s going to have to wait.

I’m down to 125 pounds. I think I’m done losing weight. I haven’t checked, but now I eat two meals every day. I have Carnation for breakfast, a 240 calorie drink. I’m still not eating much because I don’t want to get sick. Being sick sucks.

This week I…

Music of the week: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Ellie Goulding, Fiona Apple, Patty Griffin, Ed Sheeran, Emily James

TV of the week:  Big Brother

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, 48 Hours, Without Warning

Books of the week: Now reading –

The Meaning of Mariah Carey by Mariah Carey – I thought this would be a quick read, but I’m not as interested because I know she’s not addressing her REAL issues. What’s the point of a biography if the person is leaving out the major stuff? But it’s still interesting.

Weekend Plans: Working. I exist to work. What else is there to life? Since January 2020, I haven’t had a real break. And other people were talking about things slowing down and I’m like, “WTF?” I’m in this weird space right now. Hopefully, I will have more answers soon. I would like some stability.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

Stuck in my mind

I have a hernia. Everyone then asks, “are you having surgery”? Thanks for asking! NOT. The doctor didn’t mention surgery. I’m on medication. I’m supposed to be swallowing the tablet, of course. But I can’t, so I’ve been crushing it. I hope that doesn’t cause more harm.

I did try EVERYTHING to get another medication, but no one gave a shit, so I have to take this. I stopped drinking coffee and soda (!!) on the same day I started the medicine, so I have no idea what’s working. Was it the coffee making me sick? I know on at least two days I got really sick right after drinking coffee. But other days were just fine.

So no more diet Mountain Dew or coffee for me. I’m scared to eat regular food like pizza or a hamburger. I can’t afford to be sick. I don’t have sick days at work. Besides, I hate being sick, so why risk it? But eventually I will have a burger (not fast food – from the grocery store). I have to test it.

The doctor told me I have to get an ultrasound of my stomach. I have a day off in about 3 weeks, so I will get it then. What more can there be? Don’t answer that. Isn’t a hernia bad enough? I just hope I don’t have to get another endoscopy. Hiring a driver and the anesthesia is too much. I will try alternative medicines like herbs before I get another endoscopy. If I get really sick, I will get one.

Speaking of being sick…I haven’t been sick in 9 days which is a record!! I’ve been sick since July. Not once have I gone 9 days without feeling sick. Um, is it the medicine, or not drinking coffee and soda? A combination? I don’t mind not drinking soda as much. But I do miss drinking coffee.

UberEats sent me a $20 off coupon (perfect timing! LOL) since I haven’t used them in about three years. Of course, I can’t eat 95% of the food they offer, but I’m going to order a tuna sandwich for lunch and a chicken breast and broccoli for dinner today. I might have to cut everything in half and save the rest. I’m ordering from Wawa. I’ve never had food from there, but I don’t think their servings are enormous like restaurants.

What else? The debt consolidation place claims I have legal representation. My court date is October 5. I’m not going to court. If I think about it too much, I get nervous. This sucks! I’m just supposed to do nothing???? Okay. I’m going to call them in a few days to make sure. I just don’t want my paycheck garnished. I would be pissed!

I’m mailing my absentee ballot in today. I really don’t care enough to take it to some place else. Sorry. Not really. I heard there is a way you can track the ballot to see if they got it, but I haven’t opened my ballot yet. I’m not looking forward to voting, but at least I don’t have to do it in line on Election Day. I consider that a win. So many people are paranoid about their ballot and I’m like whatever, yo!

This week I…

Music of the week: Rachel Platten, Ariana Grande, Carly Rae Jepsen, Alicia Keys, Jussie Smollett, Victory, Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding

TV of the week:  Big Brother, The Wrong Man

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Tara Brach, Cousins by Blood, Paper Ghosts, 48 Hours, Morally Indefensible, Limitless Life

Books of the week: 

I finished Too Much and Never Enough: How my Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man by Mary Trump. Decent book. I wouldn’t recommend it because of what she says about Trump. Most of the stuff in the book is obvious. I wrote a blog saying most of what she did just by studying Trump’s astrology chart. So nothing new there, but it was still a good read.

I also finished reading Chakra Healing: A Beginner’s Guide to Self-Healing Techniques that Balance the Chakras by Margarita Alcantara. I had a short reiki section last week, and the practitioner was spot on. She knew what I had been repeating in my head about work. She used the exact word I used! It was amazing. Anyway, she told me my solar plexus chakra was blocked. That’s where my hernia is!! I got some excellent tips from this book. 

Now that we don’t have mandatory overtime, I have a little bit of time to read. I will be going back to audiobooks soon. I can listen to those while I’m working.

Weekend Plans: I was supposed to do yoga outside this morning, but it’s raining a little. So to force myself NOT to work, I decided to blog here. I still have work to do this weekend for my clients. I will force myself to get off the computer a little this weekend. I’m either going to fill out my ballot now or work. I will probably get voting out of the way.

Thanks for reading. Have a good week. 🙂