Can’t You See I’m Struggling?

Should disabled people have to advocate for themselves? Shouldn’t others help out? What a concept!

Anyway, a not pleasant experience happened on Monday evening. The guy across the street went off on my poor dog and me. Well, it was probably me. 

I heard what sounded like a gunshot. For a second, I thought, “Someone got shot.” Then I heard the guy yelling “fucking bitch” at me across the street. He said lots of things, but I stopped listening. I froze. I was taking my dog out to use the bathroom.

There were lots of commotion. I think my dog was barking at the guy. I can’t remember. He eventually used the bathroom. I think the guy was getting closer because my dog started growling. I didn’t look in his direction, so I didn’t know where he was. 

I was kind of pissed. LOL. So I went into the house and turned the porch light off. That was a mistake. The best thing to do is ignore people like that, and unfortunately, I reacted. 

I had work to do, and I had a meeting at 7 PM. I could not concentrate. I needed to get work done. I called the employee assistance program to see what they might say. He told me to get a gun or a taser. And he told me to call the police. 

I don’t like guns. I would be open to learning how to shoot a firearm, BUT I know I would end up getting pissed off at a moron and shooting them. Do I really want these morons to die? NO. I just want to be left alone. 

Or I might shoot myself, not while my dog is alive. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. I don’t know why he likes me, but he does. He is extremely attached to me. 

A taser? Has anyone heard of retaliation? I would end up getting shot by someone else, and once again, my dog would be left alone. I would be open to carrying a taser in a bad neighborhood where I don’t know anyone, and they have no idea where I live. That’s not a bad idea. But these people know where I live!

My therapist took this week off because she cares a shit about Christmas, or she doesn’t give a fuck. LOL. Anyway, I talked to another therapist on Tuesday night. She kind of said the same things, but she mentioned putting a men’s workboots on the porch. (Hello, they would get stolen). But every freaking person who lives by me, at least ten people all know I live alone. So why would I make 12 trips back and forth when taking the groceries in the house if I lived with someone? They better fucking help! 

Also, I’m always alone with my dog. Always. The neighbors would be dumb to think someone else lived here. Where is the person? Is it a ghost? I guess I should add that people are often outside, especially when over 60 degrees. I rarely go out and see no one. 

I’m used to living in bad neighborhoods. This is my third lousy neighborhood. I didn’t know this area was bad until I moved here. I’m not from here. I’m 40 minutes away from my hometown. 

Anyway, I’m thinking about getting a camera. But my landlord charges $100 for each hole in the wall. I kid you not. So if I ask in advance to drill a hole outside, will I have to pay upfront? Or will she take it out of the security deposit? But, of course, I never think about getting a security deposit back, so I don’t care about that. 

I anonymously asked on Facebook, what should I do? Of course, they all said to call the police. (UGH). But one guy left some helpful links to cameras on Amazon. The cheapest one was $400, and it involves more than one camera. Sigh. Due to my landlord and the cost, I think I only want one camera. If I owned this house, I would get two for the front and back. The front yard isn’t that big, so one camera should cover the yard and my car. 

I will probably email my landlord within 2 to 3 weeks. I saw a decent solar camera for $150. There are some downsides, like not keeping all the footage. It records, and then it goes away, so I would have no proof if I wanted to go to the police. BUT I would be able to see who it was. I can watch it live, but I don’t have time for that. I would get fired for not working!

So the camera is still on the table. No taser because everyone knows where I live. I can’t learn to shoot a gun because someone would “innocently” get killed, or I would kill myself. 

The police? This guy is either mentally unstable or has a learning disability of some sort. The #1 group of unarmed people killed are deaf people and mentally ill people. I don’t know what this guy had. I thought a gunshot would sound louder. He had something. But he lives with caregivers (I think). I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t let him walk around with a gun if they have any sense. I don’t know enough about fake weapons or different kinds of guns to know what he had. It didn’t sound like a firework, but New Year’s is coming soon, so maybe? 

I did tell my mom if anything happens, it is the guy across the street. She doesn’t know about the loud noise that sounded like a gun. I’m going to leave a note in the house that it is the “unstable” guy across the street if anything happens. I have to use Google Maps to get his address. 

SIGH. Nothing has happened since Monday. Oh, I forgot to mention that someone rang my doorbell for an hour after this incident. But I had the meeting at 7 PM, so I couldn’t answer the door. Then I was on the phone with EAP. They still rang the doorbell. After those two things were done, they rang the doorbell five more times, and I was too scared to answer. I can’t imagine ever answering my doorbell unless I had a camera. 

Other than that, nothing is going on. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Joy Oladokun, Jewel, Taylor Swift, Boyce Avenue, JoJo, Fiona Apple, Maria Mena, Adam Melchor

TV of the Week:  You, Housewives, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Crimelines, Drop Your Buffs, Generation Why

Books of the Week: I’m still reading Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin. I have more than 50% to go. She talks about things that happened in 2005, and it seems like it happened yesterday. I’m also reading Not All Diamonds and Rosé: The Inside Story of The Real Housewives from the People Who Lived It by Dave Quinn. So juicy. I’ll have more to say once I finish this book. 

Goal for Next Week: Do better at work, but I feel like their standards are so high. I feel like I’m set up to fail. I did yoga once this week. I would like to relax during my break from work by doing yoga, taking a quick hot shower, or meditating. Meditation doesn’t work for me much anymore. My mind is racing so much. I used to could meditate. Now, it is not relaxing. It’s a chore. 

I’m also getting my house deep cleaned on January 3, so I’m going to try to get the little things off the floor. I do not need a deep clean. I have an inspection in January, but the place is not dirty. I’ve only been here since November 8. Do I want to mop the floors? No. She has a business, and she’ll do it. I have to tell her I’m sadly allergic to essential oils. She is known for leaving the houses she cleans with a deep smell of essential oils. OMG. I would die. I wouldn’t be able to work for the rest of the day. I would be sneezing three times a minute and having trouble breathing. I used to love essential oils. I can’t even use shower gels now. THAT SUCKS. 

Weekend Plans: Today is Friday. I was supposed to get a booster shot today, but I would have to drive 40 minutes to my hometown. I’m not doing that, so I’m scheduled for next Friday. I don’t think the booster is helping with the spread of COVID. When I go to the park, I rarely see people, and we are always more than six feet apart. I go to the grocery store once a month. I will see my mom on her birthday next week, but the booster won’t be in my system the day I see her. If she wants me to wear a mask, I will. 

If people who could stay home stayed home (regardless of vaccination status), that would be helpful. If the country shut down for two weeks, that would probably help. But capitalism. The vaccine is not stopping COVID at the moment. It might lessen symptoms which are good, but we don’t know the long-term effects of having COVID. Read the newspaper about people who had mild cases of COVID and how they are still suffering a year later! 

I’m taking my one day off a month today. I will read, listen to music, go for a walk, and start my business plans for 2022. Tomorrow and Sunday, back to work. 

Thanks for reading! Have a great rest of 2021.