Heading Down Hill


16 days until my mini-vacation

From my private journal – October 5, 2021

Is today the day of my breakdown? I cried a lot today. In front of my ADHD coach! I never cry anymore. It might be the Adderall. 

Not sure? I did ask for a short notice day off for tomorrow and I got it! Shocked. But she said yes. 

I don’t feel secure in my job at all. Time to look for a new job or double down on my business but I can’t do freelance work with the mandatory overtime. 


I got TWO errors today. They might fight one. So not sure. But I was in such a good mood and then BAM. Errors. Fuck. (UPDATE: I only got one error. They took the other error back because I stood up for myself and told them they were wrong!)

My coach mentioned that I might have a visual processing problem! Interesting. Might be true. I never thought of that. I know I have a sound processing issue. I will look into that. 

I feel hopeless, helpless, frustrated, sad, angry, and misunderstood.

From my private journal – October 10, 2021

(What I plan to do on my mini-vacation)

Write your rough draft of why you want to pause.

I want to pause because life is shitty right now, and I need to figure out some next steps. I also want clarity. I need a break. I hate almost everything about my life.

Recently my emotions have been all over the place due to Adderall. Happy, sadness, & anger.

The story I’m making up: I have no control over my life. I have no support. No one cares about me. I’m the only one working a lot.

What I plan to do on my pause is….

  • Gain clarity on what I want the next few years to look like. Have a plan for what I need to do now to get there.
  • A successful pause would be actionable steps (a plan) on what to do these next two months. I plan to rest more than usual during my pause.
  • I hope to be calmer after the pause. Not as angry.
  • I want to have a plan for a digital release in January of 2022. Decide whether I need to take a class and/or hire a coach.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alana Davis, Charlotte Martin, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Boyce Avenue, Grace Potter, JoJo, Kacey Musgraves

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives, Elize Matsunga (sp?) 

I finished the Elize show. I don’t recommend it. It’s interesting, but should not have been a show.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, I Have ADHD, The Followers, Tara Brach

Books of the Week:

I finished ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction – from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward M. Hallowell , John J. Ratey ★★★★ I have to read this again. Per usual, too much talk about kids with ADHD. But a decent read.

Goal for Next Week: Not to kill myself or anyone else.

Weekend Plans: I worked most of Saturday (yesterday). I did marketing stuff for my business today. I have learned my lesson and will not work ALL Sunday even if I feel like it. I only took one dose of Adderall today. One dose only lasts for 3 hours for me.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰