It’s not worth looking for

WordPress tricked me, so I will have this domain for another year. I will not renew next year. I already canceled.

I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital this week. I’m glad I didn’t. I have a $400 copay for the ER, so I’m going to try to avoid that at all costs. Besides, what would they do? Give me enough nutrients and send me on my way. FOR $400. 

And then I would have to go back every time I get stressed and can’t eat. I’m not paying all that money. I couldn’t eat or drink on Wednesday. Then on Thursday, I could eat dinner. I lost 2 pounds*. I’m down to 113 pounds. However, that’s not the point. The point is that my body isn’t enough nutrients. I’m also eating too much sugar, which I think maybe causing me diabetes. My dad has diabetes. 

*I lost one pound from going to the sauna. But I’m not going to stop going since I paid in advance. If I’m already weak that day, I’ll cancel. But otherwise, it relaxes me SO MUCH. It is totally worth it. I felt so stress-free when I went on March 21. I almost felt happy for the first time in nearly a year. 

I think stress made me sick this week. On Monday, I was arguing on the phone with the radiology company. They claimed I didn’t pay the $60 bill. I did. I can prove it from my bank account!! But they don’t care. I’m letting this go and letting another company take care of it…for now. I hope they don’t send the bill to collections. My credit score can’t take stupid hits. 

I PAID THE BILL.

And then on Tuesday, a new psychiatrist wouldn’t give me a different medicine that I NEED so I can take medicine for gastroparesis. I’m dying here. Please just give me the medicine. Whatever. I will just go without an anti-depressant if I have to. I see my local psychiatrist on April 5. This will be my last attempt at working with these assholes. 

All this and the medicine might not work. ARGH! But at least let me try the medicine. 

In conclusion, all the above stress plus the regular stress from working and my living situation just shut my body down. I couldn’t eat, sleep or drink. I could barely walk my dog on Thursday. I had to walk really slowly.

 I didn’t want to blog about all this because it is bringing back the stress again. And I have to pay the IRS $513. Remember, some of this is due to no fault of my own. Of course, I have to pay self-employment taxes. To pay my taxes, I have to borrow someone’s printer, go to the bank and get checks, buy stamps and then mail the taxes. I had to write out the steps so I wouldn’t get too overwhelmed. I’m taking off 2 hours to deal with the tax stuff. 

I don’t have time for this shit. I’m always working. I live in a heightened sense of stress all the time. That’s not healthy. Hell, that’s why I got sick this week! My body can’t take this anymore. 

I just hope I don’t have to take an Uber to the hospital. That’s the goal for now. Everything else doesn’t matter. Oh, and I hope I can go on my birthday trip in May. I can’t afford to take time off for the hospital. And I can’t afford the bill either. 

Current Events: Update on the Derek Chauvin jury selection: They now have enough women. I’m still slightly worried that mostly women or black people will be alternate jurors. That would not be good. I think there are 3 or 4 Black jurors. The Hispanic guy got kicked off because he couldn’t get the settlement off his mind. There are also multiracial people on the jury. Anyway, I was so worried because, in the beginning, it was all white males. The trial starts tomorrow. I will not be listening live because I have training at work at that time. I’ll probably start listening to the “replay” at noon.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, Tori Kelly, Lennon Stella, Amy Grant, Arlissa, Ashanti

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Tara Brach, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the Week: I finished reading –

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen 4.5/5 Very informative. It made me think of things I never thought about. I’m asexual, btw. I don’t think about sex. Ever. So it was interesting reading how “normal” people experience sex being all around.

Weekend Plans: I’ve worked all weekend. I’m exhausted. I will try to rest today. Taking only one day off a week is not really helping me, but I’ll keep doing it. After I finish blogging, I’m going to try to print my taxes off on another printer. It’s supposed to rain, so my dog and I may not get a walk today.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂