Steady Now

I was all stressed out about having to get a colonoscopy, but I don’t have to get one. At least that’s what my therapist says. I’m delaying it. I’m nowhere near the age of 50. Yes, my uncle died of colon cancer. Yes, I’ve lost 16 pounds since July. Yes, I can barely eat.

But I don’t want to get a colonoscopy. Not right now. I’m stressed the fuck out. I’ve NEVER been this stressed in my life. I don’t need a colonoscopy on top of that. There’s way too much work involved. I have to pay for a company to drive me and wait for me. Plus, I can’t even drink Gatorade without throwing up, so how can I drink the liquid they want me to drink? That’s just some of the stuff I have to deal with. Not to mention the stuff EVERYONE hates.

I feel weird for disobeying my doctor. What if it comes back to haunt me? I don’t mind dying, so that’s not an issue. I don’t want a painful death, though. But there’s a sigh of relief that I’m saying NO.

Fuck this shit. Who’s paying for all this shit? ME. Health insurance might pay for some of the colonoscopy, but I have to pay for at least 20%, and I have to pay for the ride (minimum $200). So, no, thank you. And it’s not just about money. I’m paying with MY TIME and STRESS.

I don’t know much. But I do know I need therapy more than twice a month. I’m thinking of going weekly just until my stress levels are normal. And all my eating problems may be due to STRESS and ANXIETY. It might have nothing to do with a fucking hernia. I don’t know. Sigh.

And none of my problems have nothing to do with the pandemic. Unfortunately. Well, my dad is here now. He’s not taking the pandemic seriously, so I feel like I might get Covid from him! Added stress!!

Other than all the above, nothing much is going on. I’m just working 24/7. I did take most of last Sunday off. And I will try it again this weekend. What is it like to have a weekend off? Wouldn’t I like to know!

Current events – I would be pissed if I lived in Georgia, and I had to vote again. I watched their Senate debates, and wow, the Republicans are horrid. Shocking. But I’m not impressed with the Democrats either. Ossoff isn’t for Medicare for all, but he claims health care should be a human right. Bullshit. I’m just glad I don’t have to vote in that crap. And no, I’m not donating my money to any Democrat. I haven’t done that in about a decade. I like to donate to worthy causes. People who DO SHIT.

It looks like Rahm Emanuel might not get in Biden’s Cabinet. If he does…well, I can’t be any more displeased with Biden. But that would REALLY tick me off.

This week I…

Music of the week: Maggie Rogers, Mariah Carey, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, JoJo, Fiona Apple, Ellie Goulding, H.E.R.

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the week: I finished –

The Meaning of Mariah Carey by Mariah Carey (I don’t know how I feel about this book. Definitely recommend it to fans, but there are some obvious lies in the book. Okay, I only know of two lies, but still. I wouldn’t recommend this book to someone who doesn’t know or care about her).

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but long. Too long. I would recommend it to true crime fans. I have to watch the Netflix special now that I’ve finished the book.)

Weekend Plans: I gained a pound!! I should have mentioned this earlier, but I just thought of it because I’m going to try to make tuna salad tomorrow. Wish me luck. I can’t cook at all. But I need some new food to eat. How did I gain a pound? Banana smoothies. I’m so glad that is working. It’s just a band aid on a serious problem though. I’m working on Saturday. I will try to take most of Sunday off. I NEED it. Blah.

Thanks for reading. Have a nice week/weekend. 🙂