I will be found

I’m now 120 pounds. I no longer have jeans that fit. My comfortable weight is 135. I’ve lost 16 pounds since July and only my therapist seems to give a damn.

I made an appointment with my GI doctor. I hope it’s not a waste of time or money. I have to write down all my concerns. I will forget otherwise. WTF is wrong with me? The medicine seems to have almost stopped working. I’m still taking it for now.

If my GI doctor is a worthless piece of shit, I’m going back to the other shithead – my PCP. She’s always late and she’s not going to do anything.

What am I supposed to do? Get down to 100 pounds and then what? Go to the ER? In a pandemic. I’ll pass. I think I’ll just die at home. Slow, painful death. Whatever it takes.

Some of this could be due to stress. These past two weeks have been EXTREMELY stressful. Most of it is due to my job. My freelance customers are getting on my nerves too. But I’m indebted to some of them. I have seven clients. (!!) I emailed one and told her not to give me any work until after December 21, so I have one less person to worry about.

I was thinking about taking an FMLA leave from work, but that is nonpaid and fuck it, I can’t afford that! Thanks to fucking Sears. Assholes. And Joe Biden for making it harder to file for bankruptcy. How can anyone support a person who sides with corporations?

Why am I so stressed out? Because my job is stressful and I’m working all the time. I have to. I can’t even “get another job” because I had to borrow from my 401K to pay bills about two years ago. If I quit, I owe that money back immediately.

So that’s that. I took Thanksgiving day off. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I starting feeling sick and stressed out almost immediately after.

I’m thinking about taking Sundays off from working. If I were healthy, I wouldn’t be doing this, but I feel like I have to take one day off a week. What if I’m suffering from burnout? Taking a day off may be helpful. Fuck it.

Sorry for the outburst. I’m stressed out. I’m not as stressed as I was on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I was sick, so I couldn’t work on my freelance stuff. Then Wednesday at work was extremely stressful.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. This is where I am, but I have to work. No one is going to save me. I don’t have anyone. Health care is tied to employment, which is the worst thing about America. And no one is trying to change that. Well, no one in power is. I just tweeted that I can’t believe I voted for any of these assholes in Congress. They are worthless pieces of shit.

Random: I got the semi-famous client. MORE WORK FOR ME. Yay? I can feel the stress eating up my stomach.

Current events: Oh, god. Biden’s cabinet is horrid. I just can’t. I don’t want diversity in terms of gender and race. I like the diversity of thought. Do you think I care if it’s all white men if they do the right thing? I don’t care. Just do something. CHANGE something. For fucks sake. But Biden is who I thought he was. Nothing has changed. He is…Biden.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Sam Smith, Selena Gomez, Rachel Platten

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but the cases start running together. It’s a long book. Still recommend.)

Weekend Plans: I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. I haven’t been to the store in a month. Since I can’t eat much, it’s hard doing a grocery list. But I have one. Then I’m working the rest of the day. Hopefully, on Sunday I can take the whole day off.

Thanks for reading my rants. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂