I don’t wanna feel numb

That girl made my life a living hell. She ruined my life.  I’m not exaggerating. Now she’s dead. She died a year ago. 😦 I just found out about it this week. I don’t know how she died. She was so pretty. She had the best smile.  She had 5 kids, but one died. I guess he died during or right after birth, but I don’t know for sure.

I don’t believe in not talking ill of the dead. Obvs. That’s fake shit. Just a warning. It may seem wrong to some to report her death and then tell the truth about her *cough*. But since this is my blog, I thought I would explain how what she did throughout school is still affecting me today.

She is the reason I have a VERY hard time with eye contact. I can only do it when I must. And even then, I’m still not good at it. She gave me a nickname related to how I looked at people.  That’s not all she did, but that is the main thing that still affects me today.

Of course, she went on to live a normal life. I’m sorry it was cut short. Very sorry. Isn’t it interesting how someone can destroy a life and not even know it? Not even be aware? She had no clue what she did affected me for years.

I got all of the negative out. Now I’m thinking about how it would be great if I forgave her. I didn’t think about her every day or even every week*. The thought of her would cross my mind every couple of months. And then I found out about her passing and all of these thoughts flooded back.

*During school I thought of her every single day. I was terrified of her! My whole school day was about avoiding her.

I hope her 4 girls are okay. I’m sure they are. She has a big family. Her dad is some type of doctor. Her grandfather is a reverend.

It’s difficult to move on from that subject. But I’ll try.

I was able to get my birthday week off from work. YAY! However, I checked one of the cabins, and it is booked for that week. Bummer. So now I only have one real choice left. I need to book ASAP. But I can’t book due to financial reasons until mid-February. What if all the cabins are gone by then? Then I probably won’t go anywhere. 😦

PLEASE let cabin #4  stay available until then. It has two bedrooms. I’ve never stayed there, but I’m familiar with its location. I usually stay in the one bedroom cabin. Please, please, please.


I look like a freaking raccoon! I’ve never seriously worn makeup. I have played with it. I’ve never tried mascara or blush (and probably never will). I’ve only used foundation, and that used to be when I sold Avon. I never would have tried makeup if it weren’t for Avon. But now I look like a raccoon, and this can’t go on.

I’m talking about the bags under my eyes, btw. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to wear foundation and/or concealer for a job interview. So I have to practice now. I don’t have the extra money to spend on makeup. But I’m going to buy some this weekend. Nothing expensive. I’m just going to Walgreens to buy the Maybelline Fit Me line. I already checked the website to see if they have my shade in stock and one store near me does.

I’m not going to be able to take the time to put makeup on every time I leave the house even though I don’t go out much. I usually go out right after I get off work and if I took time to put makeup on, I would be in the rush hour traffic I’m trying to avoid. But on the weekends, I will probably start wearing foundation and concealer. (Or one or the other).

I never thought this would be me. NEVER. lol.

******BREAKING NEWS***** I took out a very small loan on my 401k just to survive this winter. So I have money for makeup (so sad), and I’m booking my vacation on Monday.  I would never encourage anyone to take out a loan, but if you are, I say 401k is the best bet unless you are on the verge of retiring. My interest on the whole loan is only $67, and I’m going to start paying it back the first week of February. I could’ve been done in 6 months, but I decided to take a year to pay it back.

I will probably pay it back early if I get a tax refund. I assume there is no penalty for that.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Beth Hart, Jess Glynne, Britney Spears, John Mayer, Parson James, Mariah Carey, Regina Spektor, Miranda Lambert,

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls,  basketball, RHOBH

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I finished reading  Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult. I gave it only 3 stars on Goodreads. Not because she is a white woman writing about race, but because the book was too damn long. It was 450+ pages. It could have been 350 pages or less. I do think she did a good job on writing about race from a black woman’s perspective. I don’t know how she did. haha.

I thought I was going to finish   They Can’t Kill Us All: Ferguson, Baltimore, and a New Era in America’s Racial Justice Movement by Wesley Lowery but this is another long book! For some reason, I thought this was a quick read. I will try to finish it before it is due back at the library, but I have a board exam to study for.

I just started The Unseen World by Liz Moore. I also have a few holds at the library. Too many books and not enough time.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren Life Planner:


Plans for the Weekend: I’m studying for the boards and I’m going to attempt to stop looking like a raccoon. You know the normal stuff. I have a ton of errands to run on Saturday. I guess it’s good to get out of the house. Blah.

Thanks for reading! Have a nice weekend. 🙂

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