I’ll be fine

I’m getting my Stitch Fix on Wednesday. yay. This time, I’m not peeking on the app to see what I’m getting. I want to be surprised. I have a feeling it is going to be bad. lol. My next entry will probably be about that if I can get it together.

I just wanted to do a quick entry on addiction and what I’m learning. Like I said it is fascinating. I want to read more about it because science is finding out new things all the time. Anyway, I don’t think I have an addiction or maybe it is what some would call a ‘soft addiction.’ Not sure. Soft addictions include working out, shopping, browsing the net, etc.

It doesn’t matter what anyone calls it. I just know I act on random impulses too much. I get obsessed with something and then I have to do it/have it. The book (The Heart of Addiction) taught me my triggers are frustration and helplessness.

Today I cracked at 4:45 PM.  Usually, it is something work related that triggers me. Not this time. My dog used the bathroom in the house. He does it at least once every 3 weeks. ARGH! I was just so frustrated. There is nothing I can do (helplessness). I take him outside all during the day, yet he still will use the bathroom in the house. I know I need to accept this and blah, blah.

And I was also frustrated at not having the food I want. I’m running out of Nutrisystem food, and I’m sick of what I have. (ungratefulness).  It’s easier to just order delivery, and that is what I did. Now I do feel bad, but I understand why I did it. But I don’t have any more money in my ‘budget’ to order delivery. That is the problem.

Fuck. Now I’m mad at myself again. See how this works? I was frustrated at my dog and the lack of food choices, so I ordered food. Waste of $20. Plus, it doesn’t help my diet to eat cake and a meatball sub.

So my goal is to order no delivery for the next 7 days. Starting tomorrow. That means no fast food either. I was going to eat out on Wednesday at Chick-fil-a while waiting for my oil change, but I already messed that up by eating junk today. I’m going to take food with me. How boring. But it must be done.

I knew I wasn’t going to make it 2 weeks without ordering. I just hope I didn’t mess EVERYTHING up. What if it is all downhill from here and I mess up again? I don’t have an accountability partner. That would be so helpful.

Breathe. I have to learn to deal with my helplessness and frustration in other ways. Obviously. Since my therapist is useless, I may tell her what I’ve been reading and fill her in on the whole addiction thing and what causes it and then maybe she’ll be able to help and stop boring me with her anxiety talk.

I’ve been blogging about therapy more than usual because I just started going twice a month. That is a lot for me. I usually go once a month. I was happy with that. This twice a month shit is UGH. I’ll stop bitching about it. But it really sucks. 🙂 I’m not getting much out of it unless I force the issue.

This was my quick check-in. I feel like I should have put this in my paper journal, but I can’t find the one I usually use. So this will do until I find it…hopefully soon.

I also applied for two jobs over the weekend. I don’t expect to hear back from either place for different reasons. One was full-time. The other part-time. The only good thing about this is that I have a new, wonderful resume I LOVE. I finally started from scratch (well, I used a template). That is what I accomplished over the weekend. Now I’m really going.

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