I know what it looks like from the outside

I’m going to stop acting like I’ve already been diagnosed with cancer. What a novel concept! The waiting is the hardest part. I will find out soon enough (early next week – maybe Monday??). I know most people with cancer don’t have symptoms and I only have one (pain). The pain could be due to something else. I just hope that I can get a concrete diagnosis after the ultrasound and mammogram. I don’t want to have to keep going back. I’m taking 2 hours off on Monday to go to the doctor. I don’t want to keep taking time off.

Thanks for any good vibes. I’m terrified of getting a mammogram. I’m scared of the (possible?) pain. I have a feeling the people who say mammograms don’t hurt say the same about pap smears.

I have a bad feeling about all this, but I’m not assuming anything.

Yes, I know some people will judge me for my posts.  (OMG! She is like being totally dramatic!) Those are the same people that judged me before…about social anxiety or not having sex or not being social or whatever. I don’t care. Obvs. 😉 It’s amazing that these people who claim not to judge or gossip, judge and gossip. Well, it isn’t that shocking. People are people. Sorry for the semi-rant. Continuing…

I’ve been thinking about my life as one might do when they think they may get a bad diagnosis. I think I did okay considering all factors. The one thing I wish I had done more is travel. But I do consider it a big win that I left the United States. That was my dream since I turned 15. At one point I thought college might be a way to live overseas by studying abroad. LOL. I had to put some of the cost of school on my credit card so that didn’t work out. After that didn’t happen, I thought I would never get an opportunity to leave.

There are plenty more places I want to go, but I think I did okay with what I have (financially, mentally etc.). I have also been to a lot of concerts. This is so not what normal people think about when they think of their lives. I KNOW, but everyone has different definitions of living.

I loved a lot of animals. 🙂 People? ehhh, not so much. ROFL.

I would like to do a few more things. But right now I’m trying not to think of specific things. If you had a year to live what would you do? That is a hard question. Is money a factor? It would be for me. So I don’t know the answer.


This week I…

Music of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen, Maddie & Tae, Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Tori Kelly, Nina Simone, Joss Stone

Song of the week: Rachel Platten – Fight Song

TV of the week: Big Brother, Curb Your Enthusiasm, U.S Open

Re: Big Brother – Go, Steve, Go! I would love for him to win. I support the socially awkward. 😉 I think he is playing the second best game. I thought him intentionally losing all those comps was stupid, but he knew what he was doing. Vanessa is the best player this season. I wouldn’t mind her winning or John. Anyone but Austin.

Movies of the week:  I watched 50 minutes of Dear White People. Bleh. It wasn’t interesting enough. I might watch Wild this weekend even though I hated the book.

Books of the week:  I didn’t get a chance to read that much. I’ve been working long hours. Still reading The Power of 100! Kickstart Your Dreams, Build Momentum, and Discover Unlimited Possibility by Shaun King  and  Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross (55% through) by Craig Seymour and Maybe Someday (on page 185) by Colleen Hoover. I would love to know where I got the idea to read this book. It is not what I normally read. It is borderline romance.

I brought Soul Shifts: Transformative Wisdom for Creating a Life of Authentic Awakening, Emotional Freedom, &  Practical Spirituality by Dr. Barbara De Angelis (WHY ARE TITLES SO LONG THESE DAYS???) It was on sale for 1.99 so I grabbed it. I know it’s crazy, but I’m thinking about starting this one tonight. Not sure. I’m living wild and crazy…with all these books. I heard her on the Hay House radio app. After listening to her for 30 mins, I decided I wanted this book.

I also brought a Wayne Dyer (RIP) 3-book collection. It was on sale for 1.99 also. I read most of one of the books. The others are new to me. Great deals. I don’t know how long they will last. I just know many books are on sale for 1.99 as of Friday.

Planner update:

plans of the week

plans of the week

This weekend I want to mow the lawn, clean and read. In that order. No working this weekend. YAY. 🙂 I really need to read if I want to finish my library books. Most of them are on hold so I can’t renew them.

Oh yeah, CHEAT DAY tomorrow (Saturday)! I haven’t lost a pound in a week so why not? I’m stuck at 125. I may not lose anymore and that’s fine with me. I only have two more weeks of Nutrisystem food left. 😦