There’s a little black hole in my golden cup


I could kill the PCP I saw 5 years ago. I’m not sexually active. So why am I getting painful pap smears? THAT’S BULLSHIT. I may never get another one. Why should I? Chances of me getting cervical cancer are extremely low. Yes, it can happen but I’ll take that chance. OMG. I can’t believe I subjected myself to that last week when I didn’t have to…Okay, I’m slightly thankful because she found the lumps in my breasts*.

*I don’t do my own breast exams because I’m scared and I’m a slight hypochondriac. I would feel something there even if it weren’t there. So it isn’t best for me to examine myself.  I thought I had HIV for years when I was a kid.

That PCP could’ve told me that I didn’t have to get regular pap tests. That is why I changed PCPs, btw. I was going in for a regular checkup and she ended up doing the most painful pap test. It was not good.

Anyway…no more OB/GYN visits for me. I will get mammograms…if I must. sigh. I doubt I do them annually, but I will probably go. But no more pap smears. Nah. Don’t need them. Celebrate good times! Who knew there were upsides to being a virgin? That is the BEST thing about it. Score one point for me. Ugh, I can’t believe no one told me this fantastic news.

I guess I should add that a pap smear isn’t painful to non-virgins. It is apparently just ‘uncomfortable’. So carry on.


I scheduled the ultrasound and mammogram for Monday. She would have laughed at me if I suggested October 7th. She didn’t want to give me a date 2 weeks out. Due to the breast pain, I do feel I have cancer. But I won’t know until next week. My main concerns involve chemo. Can I drive myself? My mom doesn’t drive. I don’t have friends. How would I get there? Could I still live alone? (I wouldn’t be able to afford it with a pay cut of any kind).

I know this is nuts, but I want to learn about all the alternatives to chemo. Can I do natural treatments with the chemo? I’m 5 minutes away from loading up my Amazon wishlist with books about cancer. Like I said, all of this would be moot if the cancer is incurable. I’m just assuming it is. If it isn’t. I travel. I have fun until I die.

I’m already obsessed and I haven’t even been diagnosed with anything! AHHHHH!

I’m not telling anyone I think it’s cancer. What’s the point? They don’t know about the pain. The pain is right where the masses are. One reason not to tell people after a diagnosis is because they will have an opinion on treatment. What if I don’t want treatment? I will definitely think long and hard about it.

If it sounds like I’m being blase about it, I’m not. My uncle died from colon cancer. He went through chemo. I saw him weeks before he died. I get it.

Gotta go. Today is gonna be a loooong day.