all that we could do with this emotion

Oh god. The universe misread my wish. Sort of. I had my first OB/GYN experience today. I have TWO cysts/lumps in my breasts. One in each one. Fuck. No, that’s not the bad news. The bad news is that I have to get a mammogram. Fuck me. NO. I don’t wanna. A mammogram is almost as scary as a pap smear to me. But nothing can be as painful as a pap smear, right? I don’t want a machine touching my breasts. I almost died having her touch them.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I could ignore it. I’m not scared of dying. Death is a gift. So why get the mammogram? Well, I guess I would rather know if I had cancer and was dying. Isn’t that the point? I have to know I’m dying so I can do whatever I want. If I just keel over tomorrow, what’s the point? I need to know I’m dying. That makes sense (in my mind). I’m off for 3 days in October. I may delay it until then. That’s the plan for now.

After the breast check and pap smear (in that order), I was crying. Not bawling but tears were coming down my face. She asked whether everything was alright. UM, you just told me I have to get something I never wanted to get done done. AND you stuck something up my vagina and it hurt. So no, I’m not okay. Thanks for asking.

Yes, I did ask the universe for some intervention for death….However, I assumed the universe knew I wanted a bad pap smear result not breasts issues. I thought I made that clear. What can I do? I really don’t want to get a mammogram. Have I said that? I do want to make that clear.

One more thing: I have never done a breast exam. I could have had these cysts for YEARS. I could have cancer. It could have spread. I just looked on WebMD. So I don’t know. And then they say cysts rarely mean cancer then why do I have to get a mammogram? Whatever.

I ran out of that office. I will not be going back within the next 3 years…unless I have to.

I know people all around the world (and yes, that includes America) are suffering and here I am posting about this. Yeah, I know. I follow the news. Too closely.


I started working on my novel. I’m already doubting everything. Page #1 would offend most people. They would throw the book or Kindle across the room and never pick it back up.  I know I shouldn’t worry so much about that. Who cares? It is only page 1. But my story is about that. I need it to be there. I think I’m going to write around it and see how far I can get. More on this later or maybe not.


I broke up with my boyfriend today and I don’t really care. I’ve got worse problems.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Carly Rae Jepsen, Luther Vandross, Tori Kelly, Shura, Jordin Sparks, Laura Welsh, Bea Miller, Taylor Swift

Song of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen – Making the Most of the Night

FULL STOP.  Go buy Carly Rae’s album. Right now!! (Or at least listen to it on a streaming site). It is genius! I love good pop. I live for good pop. I don’t even know much about her music prior to this album. This has to be nominated for Album of the Year at the Grammys or at least Best Pop Album. The sound is very 80s. I happen to hate 95% of 80s music, but I love her album. Soooo good. You’re welcome. See, I’m not totally useless.

I need to stop buying music. That is what Spotify is for. I’m trying to pay off debt and only buy what I need, but I had to have Carly’s album. I saved about $3.00 by buying the regular album instead of the deluxe version. The extra tracks aren’t as good as what is on the real album. Love her. Thank Buddha for her. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Totally needed her music this week.

TV of the week: Big Brother, Curb Your Enthusiasm, U.S Open

Rooting for Serena and Federer.

Movies of the week:  None

Books of the week:  Still reading The Power of 100! Kickstart Your Dreams, Build Momentum, and Discover Unlimited Possibility by Shaun King  and  Luther: The Life and Longing of Luther Vandross by Craig Seymour. I started Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover. The names are very soap operish. LOL. But the book is good so far. Easy, quick read.

Planner update:

plans o' the week
plans o’ the week

I want to get a lot of reading done this weekend. I will also work on Saturday for no extra pay, of course. I completely forgot Monday was a holiday. I don’t want to be behind. I want to get some serious writing done. Just relax. 🙂