Tried to hide it, fake it

All this horrible news today…

My mind should be on the big exam but all I can think of is the work party/gathering. In case a coworker is reading this entry, I’m only going because our manager threatened us. Remember? She threatened us about the Xmas party (that I didn’t go to). I feel like I have to go AND I haven’t met the new manager yet. That is the second reason I’m going.

I know they are going to question why I came. Who goes to a party and doesn’t talk? ACK! It isn’t going to be a typical party. I wouldn’t be going if it was. I would just wait until the next gathering. I have never been to a normal party. This is taking place at a restaurant. I assume we will be sitting most/all the time. GOD, this is going to be so awkward. Why am I going? But a restaurant gathering seems much easier than a regular party. No one can hit me with food.

I’m going to this “party” and then I’m not going anywhere for at least 6 months. That means no holiday gatherings for me. One and done? Probably…especially if it goes bad. I need to stop thinking about it. After the boards, I will have more time to worry/focus on it. lol.

I’m cramming for the boards but I’m also knitting  while watching TV to calm my nerves. How much studying can be done? I will study for an hour or two tonight.  I have panic attack nightmares about the boards. What if I have a panic attack? AHHH!  Overwhelm. Overwhelm. Next topic.

I really want/need to go to the dentist but I can’t afford it. I do have an okay dental plan. It isn’t as good as the one I used to have. Anyway, none of the dentists I can use are in my network. I need a dentist with anesthesia services (due to my severe anxiety). It would possibly cost me $1000? Ouch. I can’t do that. My plan will probably cover some of the cleaning but none of the anesthesia.

Another thing about the dentist is that I would need someone to drive me. WAHHHHHHHHHHH! Woe is me. It pays to have friends. So what do I do? I hate the rules but I get it. My mom doesn’t drive and she takes care of her mom so she can’t be the one. I was thinking of hiring someone on craigslist but HELL NO. I would feel so awkward with a stranger. Perhaps I could do a posting asking for a home health aide? They are used to working with strangers. Or maybe I can take a cab with my mom one day if she can find someone to take of her mom. Blah. It doesn’t matter now due to the cost.