Your words in my head, knives in my heart

My family (extended and not so extended) probably wonders why I don’t spend time with them. It isn’t just social anxiety. It isn’t just lack of social skills…it is how they react to my lack of social skills. Would they make fun of someone with Asperger’s? My whole family on one side seems to have this in common. They talk about people a lot. This behavior has bothered me since I was 10. Um, why don’t I want to hang around them???

Recently my aunt made fun of how I speak to people. I’m socially slow. I don’t have social skills. etc. I knew what I was doing was weird but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I knew she noticed it. I felt embarrassed each time I spoke that way even though it isn’t that bad or rude. It is just different and awkward. Why the need to make fun of someone worse off than you (or not as skilled as you)? That is not a rhetorical question.

My aunt is not a bad person. She helps the homeless on a weekly basis. But that behavior makes me not want to be anywhere NEAR her. I don’t hate her. I just don’t want to be made fun of. I get made fun of a lot. It doesn’t hurt more when it is by extended family. It hurts just as much to be ridiculed and laughed at by a stranger. I’m weird. It happens a lot. I wouldn’t even know I was so strange if people didn’t keep pointing it out. Now I know! No need to make an announcement.

So that is why I don’t hang around them. I guess I don’t want reminders of my weirdness. I want to be normal. I should give the normal dream up. Ha. I don’t want to be normal in every way just in a be-able-to-get-a-job-way. And it would be nice to not always be laughed at. That kind of sucks.

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Speaking of getting made fun of…my department is having a spring hangout. UGH! Everyone else will be there with their spouses and/or kids and I will be there all alone. At this point I am going. Something unexpected would have to occur for me not to go because I have never met my boss or new coworkers. Plus she threatened us. So it isn’t like I have much of a choice. I wish going to this would get me out of all other gatherings for the next 12 months.

Anyhow, the gathering is happening in a month. There is not enough time in the world for me to prepare for it.

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Another knitting picture:

knitting

I don’t know why it looks blurry. Operator error, I guess. Anyhow at least this looks like something. I don’t know what it is…but at least it is done “correctly”. I did do it too tight. But I’m learning. Whatever.

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5 days until my hotel getaway! 🙂

I should go outside but I have been outside a lot over the weekend. I’m passed ‘caught up’ on school work. YAY for that. Hopefully I will be able to say that about work one day. If I can get up at 5:30AM for work, I should be able to get up at 5:15AM for the gym. But right now I need to work. When I get caught up (not IF), I will start going to the gym once a week. I need to exercise. It is warm……I think I’m going to knit :/