I’m losing my grip

I guess I should add a trigger warning to this post. I’m going to mention suicide. Warning! I “blog” about things all the time without warning because 1.) It didn’t occur to me. 2.)I don’t think anyone is really going to read it anyway. It makes me feel a little stupid to assume someone is going to read this but anyways…Oh, I am also turning off comments because I don’t want people to think I’m fishing for comments. I’m not.

December 2012 was the closest I ever came to suicide. I had a method. On the other hand, 6 years ago I had a big ass knife. I was scared to death. WTF was I going to do with the knife? I wanted to slit my wrists but I was too scared. I thought it might be painful. I even wrote a 2 sentence suicide note. Now I know I would do it by pills. I have a lot of pills. I just have to find the right dosage to take. Am I brave enough to do it?

Parents suck. If it weren’t for them, I would probably be dead right now. But nooooo, I don’t want them to go through any pain. I give a shit. Unfortunately. ARGH! Do they even appreciate the shit I go through for them? (slight sarcasm).

I don’t want to deal with the money problems anymore. I’m done. I don’t care. I’d rather be dead. The vet bills are killing me. KILLING ME. I live paycheck to paycheck. This sucks. And no, I don’t want to make more money*. I want the high electric bills to stop, the vet bills to stop, people to stop knocking over my mailbox, and to live in a house I can afford. I had the same job 5 years ago and I was living just fine because I could live below my means.

(*I’m currently focused on school and my current job).

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? Go knock down Suzy’s mailbox. She probably has $200 or better yet, she probably can fix it herself or has help. Go attack her for once. Geez. Leave me the hell alone!

You know what? They would never attack Suzy because she has it all together. She has the money and/or the help. It’s no fun bothering people like that. One time I had a neighbor who used to let his HUGE dogs out every morning the same time I was leaving for work. The dogs  would come right to me. Once the neighbor saw that I wasn’t scared of his dogs, he stopped doing it. People only bug people who are vulnerable. Sick fucks. I can name several examples just like the above. Never let people know what bothers you. (easier said than done).

I can’t believe the one time, I am living from paycheck to paycheck, my dog gets sick.

I don’t know maybe I’ll try defying gravity or some other BS.

You know what I wanted to do with my tax refund? Buy yoga pants and stock up on shower gels. Then I was going to pay off my debt with the rest. I can’t even do that now.

This isn’t all about money. My job is also kicking my ass. I’m behind despite putting in (non-paid) extra hours. I’m getting up at 5:30AM and staying late, working Saturdays for no extra pay. I know Suzy does that all the time because she’s salaried BUT I’M NOT FUCKING SUZY!

Well, I think that’s everything.


I have to admit I really love my new mailbox. 🙂  It really belongs to the landlord since I don’t own this house so he’s welcomed.