I still can’t accept that I’m not a fit

I just got back from a strength training class. Feels good. But I have to work on a new working out schedule…and stick to it. I want to say that I’m over my weight but if I were to gain 3 pounds, I would be in freakout mode. NO I’m not done with trying to lose weight. I want to and will lose 7 pounds. Yeah. One day. ha.

I need to stick to  a meal plan. I was doing so good but then I got lazy. I’m still eating much healthier now that I’m wheat free.


I’ve been lucky. I have always liked and got along with my managers. Always…until now maybe. SCREAM. I don’t know what is really going on. I’m still temporarily helping out another department so I’m not in the loop. I do know that the company hired a new manager from the outside. I also know that he is trying to limit the time off we take.

WAIT! I didn’t take any time off in July and August. Fuck that. I need time off. I don’t take  time off in the summer. I take it in the fall and winter and now this new guy is saying “No time off”. WTF? We aren’t used to that at all. I know I’m not the only one trying to figure out what this new guy is doing.

The second issue is of course he doesn’t get it. lol. He’s new!! He doesn’t know how to do our work. I can’t get into all of it. I’ll just say this guy is bringing MORE pressure when I was already complaining about it before.

5 months ago, I didn’t care if I lost my job. (Of course I would’ve been stressed about how to pay rent…) I was done. Then I took a $5000 loan from my 401k to pay rent at two places. If I lose my job, I have to pay all of it back immediately. Um………..Yeah, that sucks. I need this job.


Overwhelmed by the work.

And I can’t take time off in October? :/

I was a little depressed over the weekend. It is mostly about work. If work is going fine, I’m fine (most of the time). I also feel like my social anxiety is getting worse. It could just be the gym environment. I don’t know. I’m probably over analyzing every situation at this point. I shouldn’t have watch the short documentary on social anxiety. The next day I stuttered like never before.

Like I said in my paper journal:

Does going out and working out make it better? Probably. But a shitty day is still a shitty day.

FWIW, today was a decent day compared to last Friday. I hate not knowing. I have never met the new manager. He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him. This is a strange situation.

And then there’s the animal shelter situation. I have decided to not volunteer this week. Too many people. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe I’m not needed. I definitely don’t feel like they are appreciative of anything I’ve done. I think I will try one more time. Perhaps the last time was a fluke.

This entry is just an overview of what’s been going on the past week. There’s more but maybe I’ll talk about that later. No rereading. Just publish.

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