I don’t have forever or time to waste

I’m screwed. SCREWED. I have to rant:

No one is going to rent to me with a voluntary foreclosure. It doesn’t matter that that type of loan is probably illegal now. It doesn’t matter what those fuckers did to my car and all the other things…who cares?

I’m fucked.

Why am I trying so much? Why bother? Maybe I do love myself and that is why I won’t kill myself. If that is true, it is very hidden. Because I swear I’m just scared. I almost did it once but the fear…it got me. Maybe it is fear of the unknown?

I applied to rent a house today. I wasn’t even thinking it would cost me $50. FIFTY DOLLARS to get screwed. 😉 Before I went there, I thought there was a slight chance I would get it but then I saw the application. SCREWED.

And tomorrow I have an appointment to see another house. WHY? I was feeling like I had a chance earlier today so I built up the courage to make 2 calls and 1 text message. Courage or just desperate?

oh god………why?

I never once went to a hotel while I lived in a house. I think I lived there for 5 years. NO HOTELS. So I really do believe a house is better.

I’m sick of driving around and enviously looking at all the perfect people living in their perfect houses. And yes, sometimes I wonder who do I have to fuck to get a house?

Maybe if I just had sex like a normal person…wait but I can’t live like that. Stop that idea. But really, I could have that if I just had sex?????????

Maybe I’ll die tomorrow. You never know.

I’m just so sick of everything.

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