running, running

In less than two weeks I will be at my favorite hotel on the beach! I’m so thankful for the special. On the other hand, I have so much stuff to get done and since I’m using my days off in April and May to ‘travel’, I have no time to get things done like getting tires for my car and finding someone to fix my computer. Oh well, I’ll make it work.


Self love or simply caring?

I have low self esteem. I don’t think that will shock anyone who reads my blog. I bring this up because my therapist said that the defense mechanisms I use is self love. Right now I would say I’m disappointed in myself. I do hate myself sometimes but I know I could be alone in the woods forever and be just fine (well with books and music, of course). I don’t need company. So I guess that means I do like some of myself.

But protecting myself is just natural. Let me reword it by saying that taking care of myself is maternal. What I’m doing is what a mom what do for her kid. She would protect her kid at all cost.

YES I protect myself from those mean people. YES I do go overboard. No shit. I don’t feel all that loving towards myself especially right at this moment. I’m just super disappointed that I went to a hotel last week. 😦 Bummed. I mean I had a good time and it was kind of worth it but the cost of staying at the hotel is the problem.

I just think ‘self love’ is the wrong term. Caring. Self protective. I want to protect the person who got bullied everyday. I don’t want all that to happen again. It was horrible.

If she thinks it is self love…..okay. Nothing is wrong with self love, I just feel a little far from that. I guess now is the wrong time for that when I’m just kind of down in the dumps over my actions and reactions. If I could only promise myself that I will NEVER do it again.

I will not flee to a hotel again. At night, I’m willing to sleep in my car (only if it is at least 50 degrees, I don’t have my sleeping bag). I can go to my mom’s house but for several reasons I don’t want to go there daily. For one, she lives on the other side of town. Gosh, I really hope I can lease a house when my lease is almost up. (My lease is up in December but I hope I can rent a house in October/November somehow. I’ve been thinking about breaking my lease and renting a house NOW but how many people would rent to me?). I don’t know what I will do this summer. The adults are kind of bad but the kids are…hell on wheels.

I need to focus on saving money to rent a house. I’m pretty sure I’m not resigning my lease for this place. I know moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily the answer.  But all of my living situations have NOT been negative. Plus I have learned from my mistakes. I can do this as long as I’m not sharing walls with someone 24/7. A house………..please.


I’m a little excited about my May scrapbooking Ebay listing. I have a mix of stuff. Project Life: (cherry, turquoise, olive, blush, jade, wellington, and cinnamon) and a mix of stuff from Studio Calico. I’m more excited that I get to keep half of this stuff for myself. But I also get to sale half of it. I love ebay…sometimes. It can be addicting. :/ At least my Project Life spreads in the future will look better.


I’m starting to watch “Mad Men”. Yes I’m late. I’m on season one, episode 3. I’m only watching because there was a recent article hinting that the main character might have social anxiety (!!). Anyway, now I’m watching it to see if there are clues. So far I see nothing. The show is okay so far, it is too early to tell if I will end up slowly watching all the episodes. I loved the pilot but thought the second show was average. It was “Mad Men” or watch the “The West Wing” from the beginning. I haven’t seen all the episodes. That could be interesting.

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