acquiescence leads to rage

Work sucked today.


Her: Are you interested in dating?

Me: Uh, no. Not really. Ummm, Maybe if I didn’t have to live with the person EVER. *laughs* Um, maybe with a loner. Ugh, I don’t think so….


What the &^%#? I’m 95% sure I’m not interested in dating. But she caught me off guard. However, I am a romantic. I believe in soul mates and all that…just not for me. That isn’t a life I want. Most of the time I think dating/being in a relationship sounds like hell. Complete hell. I can’t believe people can go through it. I have enough to deal with. How about being in the presence of other people? DATING? Uh, yeah that is totally what I’m thinking about. LOL.

I have other issues if you know what I mean.

It did occur to me to mention asexuality but I thought that might be too much for her to take in. 😉 If people can’t get atheism (see below), then asexuality will go right over their heads.


I had my monthly therapy session today. I thought it was another ‘go nowhere’ session. But maybe not. Sometimes I do wonder if she gets it. I mean, I know she knows I have social anxiety. It is the other issues that go with it that I wonder if she understands.

So she wants me to get out there. What a cruel thing to ask of someone. I know. Doesn’t she get that I’d rather go to the dentist than be around people? I really don’t think she gets it…at all. She thinks I want to be around humans. ROFL.

Anyhow, she mentions joining a group. Okay fine. But then she mentions a church! A freaking church. Me and god don’t really go together. How many times do I have to tell people that? Do I have to scream it? I apologize for the outburst. I have nothing against going to a church for class. And even if I didn’t have to join, how awkward would it be to be around members?

person: I haven’t seen you here. Are you new?

Me: Yes……..

It would be great if it ended there. But how do you say “I don’t come here on Sundays because I’m an atheist“. HOW AWKWARD IS THAT? So I either have to fake it or alienate myself. I’m sick of faking it. Why do you think I’m so bitter? Okay, that is only 30% of the reason.

Sigh. I am looking into churches because they seem to have more options. It will be awkward calling to find out about membership and classes. Some churches offer yoga classes but if I’m not a member am I welcomed? What does being a member entail? I know one church requires a day long orientation with a lot of interaction. And that is why I didn’t join that place.


I mentioned in a previous post about how I’m interested in activism. So what happens? I see this opportunity at work! It is a Hispanic diversity group. I’m not Hispanic but what the group does interests me so I joined. I just hope the first meeting isn’t like a meet and greet. That sounds like hell (again). One of the groups in another state is having leaders speak. That is something I can attend. But just meeting people??

I’m so lost with this human social stuff. That is an understatement.

But I’m glad I joined. Let’s see where it ends up.


Back to my therapy session. She asked me how I would vision my life without social anxiety. I couldn’t answer. Eventually I just rambled. I’ve had SA years before I knew it existed. So all of my dreams have been crushed by knowing that I have SA. I don’t think about life without it. I guess it hurts too much. But I am well aware of what I am lacking/missing. Very aware.

I’m going to search for some interesting social groups. Interesting and social don’t go together very well. This is hard. But I have an excuse to surf the net until I find some meetings/classes/groups.

Gotta go.

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