Something’s Missing

Hopefully the next time I post I will have a ticket to the John Mayer spring tour! Super excited!!!!!!! šŸ˜‰ If you think that is a lot of exclamation marks, just want until I get tickets! šŸ™‚ Tickets go on sale this Friday. I will have two computers set up and ready to buy. I put a reminder on my work computer. It will notify me 15 minutes before tickets go on sale. The one thing I’ve noticed is that I completely lose sense of days/weeks since I started working at home. I no longer count down the days of the week. On Thursday, I’m not thinking about Friday.

It might have something to do with me having to work 6 hours on Saturday. (Not really – it is only two Saturdays I get to work). Anyhow, my weekends are so busy now. Most of it is house stuff. I can’t wait to get rid of the house (via renting out or putting on the market) but all the work that leads up to it is AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I’m glad I’m working the extra hours. I just found out about the Mayer tickets on Monday and the price isn’t cheap. But I’ve been to about 20 concerts and I don’t think the price is unreasonable either. Some fans seem to think so though. I’m just glad I don’t have to travel. I know if I decide to see him again this summer, I will have to travel/do the hotel thing etc. I would follow John Mayer around the US. Too bad I can’t get paid for my passions. heh.

The one thing I meant to blog about last time, was happiness. I’ve been happy about 5 or 6 times during the past 3-4 years. It is easy to think of happy moments when you are depressed. That is probably a sign of depression. Anyway, yes one moment was the John Mayer concert I went to in 2010. But Mayer isn’t the point. I was trying to figure out why I was sort of depressed recently (pre finding out about the concert). And it is really simple: It was the letdown after being able to work at home.

I was SO HAPPY when I initiallyĀ found out that I was going to work at home. This lasted for about 3 weeks. And then I started working at home. There is no new anymore. Of course there is going to be the letdown. The last time this happened was after my team made it to the Final Four….and then they lost. I was depressed for weeks. There was nothing to look forward to anymore. There was nothing to live for. Yes I was that depressed. Keep in mind I was already depressed but the weeks of March Madness gave pure joy. So I didn’t feel the depression. And after it was over BAM! So depressed.

This time isn’t as bad as that. It is just getting used to things. Work is still the same. The only difference is I don’t have the DRAMA from people to deal with. Trust me, that is wonderful but work is still work. I’m slowly adjusting to this. I wouldn’t say I’m really depressed – whatever that means. But there was a week after working at home where I was depressed.

I stayed in Monday through Friday of last week. It felt kind of good…I think. But I wouldn’t want to do that week after week. This week has been crazy. I’ve been going places during lunch and after work. Sigh. And I still have to go to the bank tomorrow to deposit Avon money.

Now that I have a treadmill at home, I’m not that motivated to look for places to go. Do I need yoga to relax? I don’t know. I been on the treadmill daily. That is my exercise. (I need to stay on for 30 minutes a day but that is another entry…..). I go to my monthly counselorĀ session next week. I know she will be disappointed that well, I haven’t done anything. But she has to understand that I went through a major change by working at home. And every other week is delivering Avon/going to the bank.

My thoughts on ToastmastersĀ is: I don’t want to be around normal people doing public speaking. That isn’t fair to me. I know the #1 fear of people is public speaking but there’s that and then there is social anxiety. Sure I could go to one meeting but I know how this will end. I will feel inadequate because I am worse off then THEM. I’ve been through this ish before. Why can’t there be a social anxiety group where I live? There is nothing near me. The closet thing is a OCD meeting which would probably be a little beneficial to me.

I hope she understands. Why set myself up for failure and feeling bad about myself? Dexter had a great quote about finally feeling normal with a group of strangers. I would love that. But everywhere I go, I end up going home feeling like more of a freak. šŸ˜¦ Is that what I need?

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