Thou shall not worship

I have so many things I haven’t been blogging about it. I guess I should just begin at today instead of going back.

I had my first taste of eggnog. I don’t know if this is only a Christmas thing or Thanksgiving and Xmas but um, I like. That may be the only thing good about the holidays? Why do people act like you can only get it near this time of year? Surely that can’t be true, can it? Anyhow, I only had a very little since it was my mom’s. I may be buying my own bottle. 🙂

On a message board someone asked, “Why do you hate the holidays”? Most people said because of family obligations. God, I would hate that too. I don’t do any family stuff (besides exchanging gifts with the immediate family). I think the main reason why I dislike this time of year is the crowds. I can escape the mall crowds by not going to the mall but even the grocery store gets more crowded. Other than that I just put the holidays on IGNORE. Or at least I try. I really hate New Year’s too for different reasons. I won’t get into that now…

In good news, the lady who placed the $125 Avon order, ordered again ($98 this time!). And she plans to order again. It is good news because I thought I really fucked up. I think she just really likes Avon and can’t find another rep. That’s the spirit. I guess I’m just thankful that her order is covering costs. She helps me not lose money when ordering brochures.
On Monday my coworker invited me to church (AGAIN). I used the football excuse last time so this time I just went. It was on a Friday night. And most Fridays nights I just do homework and laundry so I don’t feel like I’m losing too much time. But this is so inauthentic (and uh, I missed a really cool Veteran’s Day college Bball game). I feel this conflict within me but am I really losing anything? I felt resentful afterwards as I was walking to the parking lot. This is partly due to me messing up by leaving my cell phone at home. So when I got to the church we couldn’t meet up! UGH. I thought about leaving early several times. But I was in the middle of the row and even though others did it, I didn’t feel comfortable making people get up.

Christianity and what I believe do have things in common, of course. BUT THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. Um, I don’t believe in worshiping a god. Yep, that is kinda huge. No one will ever be able to convert me because I just don’t believe in that little part of Christianity. I listen to the sermons and 90% of it is about worshiping so WTF am I doing there?

Generally Buddhism does not believe in a personal God or a divine being, it does not have worship, praying to, or praising of a divine being (although some sects do.) It offers no form of redemption, forgiveness, no heavenly hope, or a final judgment to those practicing its system. Buddhism is a moral philosophy, an ethical way to live for the here and now of this world to gain the ultimate state. It has more in common with humanism and atheism than its original religion Hinduism it separated from. But Buddhism is not atheism just because they don’t believe in a personal God. It is more like pantheism, there is a impersonal force the void which is the ultimate.

If we ever did something outside the church, I think I am ready to tell her that I don’t believe in worshiping a god. I will use Buddhism as my belief system (which is true…but I’m not a practicing Buddhist). I don’t want to bring it up at work because then everyone will hear. When I rarely talk at work it feels like public speaking because everyone can hear what you say. Recently we had to move our desks closer to one another. GAG. That is actually causing me a lot of grief right now but that is a whole ‘nother entry.

Anyway, I think I feel okay with saying, “I just don’t believe in worshiping a god”. I just need a chance to say it…She did say long ago that she did not want to offend me. SIGH. I’m not offended. I watch Christian programs from time to time. It’s not like there are a ton of eastern religious stuff on where I live. But it is different to go out of one’s way to go to a church when one does not believe.

I did listen to the sermon and once again I got the same message: I SHOULD QUIT MY JOB. haha. I always seem to get that message. Too bad I have nothing (skills, people etc.) to fall back on. Bummer. That will not be happening. Plus I’m hoping I will be working from home soon. Patience. Just hang on. This is hard. Struggling. lol.

The whole thing was really socially awkward. I was sitting by myself in a church. I took a beta blocker before to calm my nerves and I did notice that I was able to relax my face more but as soon as a person looked at me, I would tense up. Sigh.

I have a ton to do today. Gotta go.

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