Sinner’s Prayer

Oh my! How I wish I were blogging about my first Zumba class (a little mention at the bottom of this entry). Or how I need to stop eating red meat daily. I’ve just been doing it for about 4 days but I can already feel the effects. EW. I’ve been eating red meat because it is the most convenient thing. I’m stressed about moving plus I’m in school. etc.

Considering where I work, today had gone well. Yesterday sucked so I was trying to see what I could do to make it better. I read my Zen stuff last night. And I was determined to be different. It worked okay. But when A, K and J were trashing someone, I did think, “There they go again.” I judged them for it. But they talked negatively more than once and I was able to let it go. I didn’t judge their behavior every single time.

I don’t know what happened. Nothing really happened but in this situation perception matters more than reality. I guess I was bored. It was almost time to go home – maybe I was sick of being zen like. How do people do that all the time?

Anyhow like I mentioned a month or two ago, I found out everyone else is a “B” and I’m an “A”. B is better in this situation. For two months I said nothing because I don’t really talk because I wasn’t angry about it. I did feel that the majority that works at home get an unfair an advantage in being a B but that was about it.

I sent my manager an email (1st mistake). She said we could talk right then. (Thanks a lot – hah). So we fucking talked. And talking is where shit goes bad. It is evil. Pure evil. Things went well with the A to B stuff. That was the good part. But then I mentioned how people aren’t on the same page. (HUGE mistake). But everyone agrees. It’s true. This is a management issue. I made sure not to make it about her. I just said that certain people (without naming names) share info but refuse to email it to whole team. How are people who work at home supposed to know anything? EMAIL THE INFORMATION.

My mistake was that I named an example from this morning. WTF was I thinking? I should never ever ever talk. EVER. It wasn’t a huge deal but I made an assumption because D emailed J, M, A and everyone else who had problems…everyone but me. I have to understand or accept that there will be cliques and I probably did not NEED that email but we are all working together so why not email it?

I was in my zen like state at the time (LOL) so I just walked away and forgot about it until I was in a meeting with my manager. WHY DID I MENTION ThAT? I didn’t get anyone into trouble but their perception is that I’m mad at them or I ratted them out or whatever.

After I came back from my meeting, J said “Tomorrow is going to be a loooong day”. 😦 Not for you. You are the one making the sarcastic remarks. Who do you think is going to feel a looooooong day??? You are dishing it out so it shouldn’t be you. FUCK. All you have to do is stop with the bullshit but I guess you can’t help your diarrhea of the mouth. At least I hope you can’t help it.

I could have said a lot…and they know that. Most of the things they do now are subtle. It wasn’t like before when things they were doing could be filed under harassment. That suddenly stopped.

SIGH. I know tomorrow they will be throwing daggers. How dare I talk to my manager? If I can be zen tomorrow, I can do it any day. I would get up any time they start to gossip about me but then they would do it constantly so that I couldn’t work. LOL. That falls under the subtle shit they do.

This may be too vague or maybe someone who has been in a similar situation gets what I’m saying. I hate explaining myself. I suck at it.

It made me realize I am a semi-functional depressed person. Is that what people get from their first zumba experience? 🙂 I was apathetic. I don’t know. Since I can’t feel “fun”, I can’t say that it was. Once again I was the only new person. It is challenging but people who are good at following dance steps, would have no problems. It wasn’t that hard.

I will probably blog more about it later. All I know is that I paid $20 for 20 classes and I have taken two. I have already gotten my money’s worth so if I don’t go back, no big deal.
In the meantime I need to NEVER TALK – which is what I do 95% of the time. 😦

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