let’s focus on the hate

I just got robbed at Subway…yet I said nothing. I had a gift card that paid for about 30% of it and that is why I said “whatever”. I also got charged $2.00 extra at the work cafeteria. I said nothing. Now you wonder why I’m angry? 🙂 I vowed to never go into the work cafe again…but one day I was almost falling asleep at my desk. and I foolishly “needed” coffee. I didn’t even drink all of it. There is no good reason to be ‘eating out’ but that’s another entry.

One more random thing: Any person who says, “Everyone had a bad childhood” did not have one. It is on my list of things that perceptive people just don’t say. Everyone isn’t smoking weed or having sex or doing whatever you are doing. It is what people say to make themselves feel better. Were you raped/molested as a child? Did you see your parents get shot in front of you? How dare you say you had a terrible childhood? (judgment) Are you kidding me???? Seriously?! Keep in my mind, I would NEVER say this to a person and belittle their childhood experience but to say “everyone had a bad childhood” is a crock of shit. Everyone may think they did…which baffles me. but whatever. I could do a whole entry on this.

edited to add: I know the above comes across as harsh. It’s like saying, “Everyone was teased”. Um, there is a difference between being teased by your “friends” and being so afraid to get on the school bus every single day because you know it is going to be bad.

I HATE PEOPLE. I MOTHERFUCKING HATE THEM.

I think that has been established through this blog in several ways. I also hate heavy traffic, more than 6 inches of snow, the cold, baseball, the Pittsburgh Steelers and grasshoppers.

It’s okay to hate people* (in my world – haha). I know people who hate people but have friends/acquaintances. The problem FOR ME is when I take this out on someone. This person isn’t 100% innocent but still…Dude, I have to get over my ANGER. I’m not about to fight anyone or anything. My anger doesn’t manifest that way. (Thank Buddha or I would be out of a job).

*Of course it is probably better for yourself if you don’t. In fact I know it is.

This is 100% my issue. The problem is that I thought this person was totally opposite of what he/she is. Don’t you hate when you think someone is admirable and then you find out they aren’t? I know I’m not supposed to look UP to others but I think/thought some people were cool. What’s wrong with admiring someone? You know what is wrong with that? YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW THEM. They put on a facade!

Okay. It is a SHE. She is a normal person with a mean side. *GASP* Can it get any worse? (I’m being a little sarcastic). I thought she was smart (judgment), different (judgment), perceptive (judgment), and nice. All judgments. She may be smart but boy, did she let me down on the others. Yes this is my issue, my fault. I should have never had her on a pedestal….especially without knowing her.

I’m angry at myself because even though I intellectually know the above, I refuse to accept it! WTF is wrong with me. We weren’t even friends so why should I even care who she is?????????????

Now I can’t stand being around her. I radiate anger….when she is around. Tension. Anger. Hate. I’m not PMSing. Some of this may due to stopping the Wellbutrin suddenly. That is always a major no-no. You could get really depressed, have physical symptoms or GET ANGRY. But I couldn’t take it without gagging so for me it wasn’t a choice.

So many things bother me about this.

1. If she were (in my opinion) innocent, I think I could find someway to curb the anger. I have tried. This has been going on for at least 3 days. I mean the strong hate. I have tried acting like she isn’t there but then she laughs and I get irrationally angry. I’m embarrassed. I should be. I have never experienced something like this before because normally I could avoid the person.

2. I can’t get over how she “really” is. I want to call her an evil bitch. Even though it isn’t true. LOL. No, I don’t want to say it to her. I mean in my mind I feel that way about her even though I know it isn’t true. She just isn’t who I thought she was. That’s it. I need to get over it. (But how? I’m trying…I need something by tomorrow. Thanks).

3. Why is all my anger going towards her? Is it just because I didn’t think she was “one of them”? How can I get that angry over that? Perhaps I was really idealizing her. Wow.

I’m not done with this. I can’t find my paper journal and the only way I can process anything is to write it down. Actually I’m only typing and typing isn’t as cathartic as writing. So this hasn’t helped much.

I would love to go on but I have to mow my lawn for the first time since last August. This is long overdue. But it kept raining, then homework etc. So I’ve got to do it now. 😦 At least I get some exercise. It is almost 80 degrees out there. I’m really procrastinating, huh?

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s