I have no patience & I hate waiting

The best rap line ever…That was a joke. Everyone knows Tupac was the greatest rapper of all time. But I love, love that by Jay-Z.


That is what I screamed in my car several times. I rarely get my hopes up. I learned that at a very young age. If you have high expectations and you keep getting crushed, you will probably naturally be this way. But I don’t know. Some people are good at not dwelling on disappointments. Anyway, my doctor did nothing. I spent my life avoiding doctors. Now I have a bad PCP. (She gave me a thyroid test in July and I still don’t have the results. In fact, the test has not been viewed!).

And “my” shrink doesn’t know shit. I waited for a whole hour in the waiting room to be referred to someone else and I saw NO ONE. I give up. Fine. I’m dead. I’m just waiting for my body to expire. I’m done. Maybe this was a sign that getting referred wasn’t the answer. HOWEVER, in the meantime I will suffer. I used to be a A student. I will be lucky to get B’s this semester. In fact I’m counting on Cs. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My house is unlivable. I have the attention span of a gnat. Should I go on?

Oh well. Everything is my fault. There is no such thing as mental illness.

edited to add: Oh well, I am a little less doom and gloom. Today my shrink prescribed Wellbutrin for me since my depression is getting worse. I just read about it and I’m willing to give it a chance. I thought it was just for depression but it is suppose to work for other things as well. Okay, I’m game. I’m glad there is a generic version. I didn’t know that….I’m on a very low dose. The lowest possible. Hmmm. Maybe he does know shit even though he admitted he didn’t know anything about a certain type of medicine.

I have homework to do. I wanted to post two great writing/journal prompts. They aren’t meant to be prompts but I saw them that way. I rarely use prompts in this blog or in my paper journal but I thought these two questions were interesting. From O Magazine (specifically) by the awesome Martha Beck.

1. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

2. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

There are 19 more questions in the article (from the February issue). I think #1 is the best question. I have nothing in me to answer either one at this time but I just wanted to share.

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