I know what’s ailing me

How did I miss the whole filibuster thing? I worked 2 hours of OT on Friday afternoon. Missed everything. Ugh, is CSPAN going to repeat the thing? I wish I could watch on the internet. But dial-up and streaming videos don’t go together well.

I think I’m going to work as long as I can on this Friday too. What else is there to do on a Friday night? 😉

It is so cold inside my house. Brrr! Another reason to work overtime. And no my NYE plans are not canceled. Unfortunately instead of 2 nights, I will probably do one. The hotel isn’t expensive but I don’t know how to justify spending the money. I’m sure I can somehow though. I used to go to my mom’s on some NYE (to avoid my firework neighbors) but then I realized how selfish that was. What if she had plans but didn’t want to say NO to me? It is NYE after all. I don’t celebrate. In fact, I hate it. I’ve had so many bad NYE’s memories…including the suicidal one. So I just need to get away.

I haven’t booked the hotel because I can’t decide on the number of nights. It’s not like the fireworks start on NYE. In fact I’ve already heard some. It will only get worse. Noise scares me in irrational ways. I react to noise like a person who is scared of snakes might react to seeing on snake on TV.

Speaking of fears…My therapist totally thinks I have PTSD. DUH!!!!!! I don’t need a doctorate. I live with myself. Since this fear is chronic and I relive it DAILY, it has no option but to be labeled PTSD. But forget the label. It is only important because the book is soooo awesome!! (The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms I almost LOL’d when my therapist pulled the book off her bookshelf. I was not expecting that at all. Anyone with a severe phobia has to get this book. I wasn’t able to complete all the exercises on my own but my therapist easily helped me.

I just hope I can tame the fear. I’m taking it slowly.

Ugh, I had to do something public today. NOT public speaking. I would die before that. But still…The comments from coworkers bothered me. I did it in the past with a ‘nice’ group 2 years ago. I didn’t freak out as much but today AHHHHHHHHH! I hope I don’t do it tomorrow. I couldn’t think. Tears (not a lot) were streaming down my face. I was super clumsy. Just another day in my life.

I really wish people could control their months because I’m sure they would if they could, right? I mean that would be NICE. 🙂

Talkarhea is what they have….and no desire to get rid of it.

Go Ravens!! I bleed purple.

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