so much for my happy ending

I’m definitely depressed. It doesn’t take a PHD to know that a person with social anxiety is going to have some depression. By definition, it isn’t social anxiety or any anxiety if it doesn’t severely affect your life. So I get that. But…

I guess I just want it to be over. I’m not used to being depressed every day. I’m not used to not like going to work. I’m not used to this amount of gossip (and I thought high school was bad!)

So it’s 11:40 pm Thursday night and I don’t have time to plan out everything. During my lunch break, I have to go home & get laundry ready. It will have to wait until Friday night or maybe Saturday.

Unhealthy living this is. Orson Welles said,

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

My happy endings:

  • getting my acceptance letter to — university & finally realizing I was leaving home
  • getting a new position @ the same company after years of no job stability
  • the day I brought my house
  • That’s most of it. All of my happy endings end on day ONE.

    And I can’t remember who said people go through droughts of bad years and then good years. It comes in 7 year stints. That gave me hope a few years ago. Looking at it objectively, I can see how the 7 year thing seems pessimistic but to me…it was a chance. I had something to look forward to. I know there will always be problems and suffering (Buddhism). I’m not naïve. However, I thought it would be manageable. It has been more than 7 years. I haven’t been depressed for seven years straight…I’d be dead if that were the case. But everything else has been going on since I was at least 14. And I’m not a teenager anymore.

    I should be asleep so I can rush around tomorrow (well technically it is ‘tomorrow’) like a mad woman. A break won’t solve my work issues so it isn’t about that.

    This is what happens after I am around a group of people. After work, I went to a salon. Another social disaster. This is why I avoid social situations. Typical psych 101. I get ‘punished’ every time I do anything around people so why would I NOT avoid it. I have a B.S. (stop the joke) in psych and I know all this has real names but I can’t even get the terminology right. Long day. dehydrated and bad eating.

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