scarred

And doesn’t that sound familiar? Doesn’t that hit too close to home?
Doesn’t that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn’t it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
Could you leave me with a scar?

-Missy Higgins

I’m depressed. At least I know why and it isn’t the restless/wtf is wrong with me depression. Both suck. I just like to have a reason. I still dream of death but I know I will keep moving (since my mom is alive).

I did get a lot accomplished at home today. Leaving work before 5 (or @ a lil after 6) makes a huge difference when it comes to traffic. I got home @ 5:15, drank some caffeine and got my clothing organized. yay! I just have to keep it up. I still need to throw more clothes away. But I always think, “hmmm, I could sleep in this”. I also finally put my cat food in the glass container. No more cat food bags sitting around. (exciting entry!) Now I need another glass container for the stray’s cat food. That’s another $15 but it must be done.

———–
Work. They know I had an emotional breakdown on Friday. Everyone knows…even the lady who used to order Avon from me, no longer orders. (she does not work in my department). That is a little relief because I don’t have to buy brochures 2x a month. I will buy 1x a month & save $$ and trees. However, part of me is hurt and rejected. Just a little.

I’m so lost when it comes to people. That is probably where most of the depression is coming from. I don’t want to delve deep in my paper journal because I don’t wanna cry over this shit again.

I wanted to blog about how I know I’m fucked up. I’ve been studying Buddhism for 5+ years. Of course I know I played my part in all this. I would have to be delusional to think that I’m just being slammed for NO reason.

FEAR is the cause of 75% of the mess that is my life. Fear is translated into anger. Example: I’m scared of people. So every silent message I send is a ‘hate’ sign. (There is only love or hate). That is why I get into these situations. Karma.

Why am I working on my social anxiety? Because social anxiety is ALL FEAR ALL THE TIME. I also think I have some autistic issues.

My point is that I’m very aware of the cycle. My coworkers think I’m not. And how would they know? There is one huge thing that bugs me about them. They keep saying, “I could deal with this.” or some version of that. OF COURSE YOU COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t have:

  1. ZERO social support
  2. social anxiety
  3. depression (hopefully if they have it right now, they mask it well).

I could go on. But those are the major things…especially the first two. When you handle your problems all by yourselff because you have NO FRIENDS, call me back babe. Until then STFU about “I’ve dealt with stuff harder than this”.

please! the nerve…………

2 thoughts on “scarred

  1. I totally understand what you’re going through. It’s like I have mental/emotional breakdowns all the time but I don’t want everyone around me to be aware of my weaknesses because I’m afraid they will take advantage of me and exploit them for their own benefits somehow. Your frustrations and struggles seem common, and I can relate to not wanting to waste so much time thinking about this because you’ll end up wasting more time crying about it. I’m also aware of my problems but don’t know how to get myself to deal with them. Well I thought I would let you know that I can definitely relate to what you’re going through, and I hope things get better!

    1. First, I would like to thank you for your comment. You said what I meant to say. 🙂 Thanks & I hope things get better for you as well.

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