Slow Burn

It’s almost noon on Sunday. I’ve been working all morning. What else is new? I usually like to blog on Sunday mornings, but I had a project I wanted to finish. 

The business has been kind of slow. But it’s only January! I wanted to make $10K this year. In 2021, I made about $8,300. Not bad for doing this part-time, but I was always working. Hmmm. I am redoing my website and still trying to figure out how I want to make money. 

Do I want to concentrate on services like I did in 2021 or create more digital products? Digital products seem like a little less work, but the cost of the products are lower, and I feel like I have to market more. Guess who hates to market themselves? I don’t mind some things, but anything involving being or talking or video makes me uncomfortable.

Speaking of that…someone asked me to do a class for their membership! I said I was shy and blah, blah. Then they responded that the course could be taped. So now, I think I’m saying YES. I’m still not 100% sure. I don’t know my rate. I have made an online course before (talk about long hours!), but I’ve never done a one-off class. I should do this. It would be for great marketing. And it might help my social skills, but I don’t know about that. That would be a miracle. 

I will probably charge between $75 and $125. I still have to do research. I know experts charge at least $400 an hour. But I don’t know how long it will take me to prepare, tape the class, etc. So it’s hard to come up with a rate if you’ve never done it before. I hope I can get at least $75. 

Anyway, people still suck. It’s great when I can just listen to music or walk my dog and ignore that people exist. I love that! I did like talking to a few business owners on social media yesterday. Usually, I don’t get involved in conversations. 

I emailed animal control on my neighbors. Sorry for the abrupt transition. I’m rushing now. It’s a long story. I don’t like when their pitbull comes into my yard. I didn’t get my medicine two weeks ago because the pit bull was in or near my yard. MY MEDICINE. Some people don’t think that’s a big deal, but do you know how often mail is lost?? So they tried to deliver it right the first time and then have to do it a second time? WTF? 

Keep your damn dog in the house. They usually have him tied outback. According to my landlord, it’s illegal to have a dog (or any animal???) outside when it’s under 35 degrees. Unfortunately, it’s been under 35 at night for about 2 to 3 weeks. So what they do is bring him in and then let him loose about five times a day. I can’t make this up.

I’m not scared of him. He’s friendly. However, I don’t like that he defecates in the yard. I hate that shit. The point is this particular mail carrier (I think he’s new) doesn’t want to deliver mail when he sees a pit bull. 

It’s not just about mail. I was so scared FedEx wouldn’t deliver this laptop because of the dog. And next week, I have my groceries* coming on Tuesday at 9 AM. I do have a Blink camera. Walmart is known for coming early. So I will have to keep checking the camera, or maybe they have an app that will tell me? I have never had food delivered from Walmart before.

I did leave a note about ‘a loose dog’ I told the driver that if you see a loose dog, please call or text me and I will put a mask on and get my groceries. 

Another bad thing about a loose dog is that they could EAT your groceries. What a nightmare. This isn’t the greatest neighborhood, but I have left a package outside for an hour, and no one took it. One package was the Blink Camera. I may do a review of that later. 

*About the groceries. My fridge is empty. My dog ate one of my chicken thighs. He stole it from the bottom of the refrigerator. I could cook more thighs, but no, I’m gonna bitch about it. 

I can’t wait to get my food on Tuesday. I could have picked Monday, but I thought the store might be empty after the weekend. I guess I will have a better chance of getting my food if I choose later on in the week. I’m probably not going to make this a habit. My job is paying for some of the food. (Long story – Instead of giving us more money, they gave us a food card for healthy food only. I can only eat about 12 foods, so I can’t eat only healthy foods. I would die. But thanks!) 

Oh, and I might get fired soon. So I might not get the autism assessment in March. It’s not important enough for me to pay out of pocket. It’s not cheap. 

I might apply for another job by the end of the week. It’s at the same company I work at now. I’m only doing this because there would be no benefit disruption. Anyway, I hate this job, and I hate these people. Well, I like two people. I would probably like more if I knew them. They work from home in Florida. I didn’t hate the managers or supervisors for many years at this company. It all started when they forced me to go to a new department in 2020. 

Work is the main reason I’m so stressed out right now. I am only content when I’m walking my dog and most of the weekend. I was supposed to do overtime this weekend. It wasn’t mandatory. Whatever. I feel like everything I’m doing is a waste of time. They are paying me for now, so I will work until they fire me.

I was planning on leaving the company in 2023. I forgot what month makes sense, but I kind of need to stay there for over a year and a half. 

I will get unemployment for a little while if they fire me. I want disability because I am disabled. Try getting a job with social anxiety and call me back. Right now, I’m dealing with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and/or autism. Gastroparesis is not a significant issue right now. When I get stressed at work, I can’t eat. And sometimes, nausea comes back. But it’s not a real flare-up. 

It’s 12:30. We usually have lunch around 11:45 or noon. My dog will kill me or steal some nonexistent food from my fridge. So I have to go. 

I just took my dog outside. Guess who’s in the yard. The pit bull! URGH. Oops. It was the rottweiler. Not the pit bull. I never got a response from animal control, but I find it strange that a random guy starts bringing his rottweiler around when I’m outside the day after I email animal control. I take my dog outside around the same time every day. Anyway, I think it’s funny that my dog is considered the aggressive one out of a rottweiler and a pit bull. Btw, my dog is a corgi mix. I only say he is aggressive because he is the only dog barking and wanting to attack. LOL.

People suck. I love animals. Just don’t shit in my yard. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alanis Morissette, Ellie Goulding, Patty Griffin, Sara Bareilles, Kelly Clarkson, Tracy Chapman, Jewel, India.Arie

TV of the Week:  Amazing Race, Housewives, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, 

Books of the Week: I’m going to try to finish Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke this week. It’s okay so far. I started a book by Stephen King. I can’t remember the name. It was okay, but I could tell I wouldn’t love it, so I gave up about 20% in. King’s book are so long. 

Goal for Next Week:  Sigh. I will commit to trying my best at work. But it is incredibly frustrating to work hard, and it is not good enough. I’m at the why bother stage. Trying hard and failing every day sucks.

I need to market my biz. I need to come up with my main service. I think I’m going to lower the price of my 6-month service. And I will not think of digital products for this week. I need to concentrate on one thing at a time.

As far as my book goes, I’m editing chapter 2. I will probably give that away free within two weeks and no more free chapters since I’ve decided to do the book in a personal essay format. I will offer free content, just not whole chapters. 

Oh, and I have to sell my Samsung Book Go on eBay. The weather is going to be okay for the next ten days, but I have to download the files I want. It’s not a lot. Then I guess I do a factory reset? I have never sold a laptop before. I’ll have to read about how to do that. First, I need packaging tape. I have no tape of any kind in this house. I would love to have the laptop sold before Feb. 1, but I have to list it on eBay first!

Weekend Plans: The weekend is almost over, and I have 800 things to do. So I won’t get overwhelmed, I will make my to-do list in my planner for the week. Unfortunately, I will still probably get overwhelmed. Too much. Too much. 

Thanks for reading! Have a great week. 

I’m Crumbling

An entry on a Thursday? Say what?

Whatever. My life sucks right now. But what doesn’t suck is this new kickass computer. I love this thing. It took me three weeks to work on the Samsung Book Go. I worked on this HP Pavilion Laptop – 14t-dv000 yesterday. The first day I got it! 

I’m so in love. I hate slow technology. I hate it when I’m faster than the computer; then we have a problem.

So, I am supposed to be practicing talking slower and enunciating. 

Talking out loud did help me put things a little into perspective. So I think I want to do it every day after I get off work. I should do it before work, but my brain doesn’t wake up until around 9. Recently I’ve been starting work at about 6:50 AM. 

I called animal control on my neighbors. More about that this weekend if I have time. I just got an email from my manager about a particular project and overtime. She didn’t say when the OT is available. But I need the money, so I’m doing it this weekend if possible. This project is not something I’m really familiar with. I’m NOT doing more than an hour or two of OT if I hate it. But, if I’m good, fast, and don’t want to poke my eyes out, I will do at least 5 hours of OT this weekend. It’s not time and a half due to MLK, but I don’t care. 

Anyway, I dictated with Dicition.IO (Free) after work today. I have to leave a lot out because it wouldn’t make sense without knowing much about my job. 

Here is what I dictated. It took a lot of editing because my speech sucks.

Testing. OK, so I’m going to try this transcriber. Is it working so far? Weird. But I want to try this. I have to keep my voice down. People might be listening.

So I’m going to do this for a little bit just to see. I had many things I wanted to dictate. 

I’m going to do like a what did I do this week kind of thing? Oh my gosh, I worked all weekend. Then, Monday, I took kind of a break. Well, not really, but kind of. 

I try to be optimistic about work, which kicks me in the ass. I think it’s time to stop that work. I don’t know that I don’t like it. But, today, I realized that I do like some aspects of it. Like I want to work in a fast-paced environment as long as I can sit down.

I think I’m talking too fast again. But yes, I do like the dopamine hits of working quickly. But unfortunately, I’m going slow, and the system is slow. So there’s a lot of waiting, which does nothing for me like I can’t work like that. I never worked like this where it was just it was so slow since June or whatever 2020.

So that’s enough about work. Let’s talk about business. I could take on a new client for less money. I’m thinking about that maybe this weekend. I always say I’m going to do stuff on the weekend. In other words, this will never happen. But, if I have the time and the energy, I’ll do it.

It’s so hard to talk so slow because I think fast. I want to get the new computer up and running, which will take a few hours. 

All I’ve been doing is working, and my book—kind of put on hold. I guess I could work around that. Something that’s fun and something I’m passionate about. It’s not about money at all. I may do that tonight. I’m looking at my to-do list for tonight.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping, but I don’t really need groceries now. 

So tonight think focusing on the book would be good and it’s different. Plus, it’s not work, so that’s good. I’m tired of always working. So yeah, working on the book tonight is a good idea. I’m just editing.


Okay that’s the end. I will not be blogging “my talks” daily. This took way too long to put in a blog post. Anyway, I need to talk clearer. The pace is probably not the problem. 

I’m going to go edit chapter two of my book now. I’m thinking about turning my book into personal essays. I don’t like personal essays unless it is written by Roxane Gay. 

Onto doing something. 

Thanks for reading. I might be back this weekend. I have a lot to say that I was too scared to transcribe. And sorry for the errors. I can’t spend two hours editing dictation. 🙂

There’s Danger in Being Myself

Ugh. So much going on. First, I have to pay state and federal taxes today. Why did I do this to myself? I meant to pay one last week and the other today. But now I’m stuck paying both on the same day. Blah. 

Oh fuck. I just realized I might have to mail my state taxes in. I hope not. My printer is not working. And it’s winter, so I don’t leave the house in my car. Anyway, I won’t worry about it. I think the state taxes that are due in April is what I HAVE TO print and mail in.

I’ve been so busy. I’m taking most of today off. But unfortunately, I woke up at 9:30 AM. I feel like the day is gone. It’s good to get rest, though. 

Long story. The smoke detector did that beeping thing it does when the battery dies. It started at 3:30 AM on Saturday. Guess who didn’t get any sleep? Me and my dog. My dog is terrified of all smoke detectors and most beeping. At one point, he put his paw on my neck, and I thought he was trying to kill me. 

Luckily, the landlords (husband and wife) came on Saturday at noon to inspect the house. It was supposed to be a full inspection, but they only checked the smoke detectors since I moved in two months ago. No more beeping. If it were my house, I would just change the battery (if I had one) or just take the battery out. I have taken the battery out of so many smoke detectors. I can’t stand the noise. Yes, I know it’s not safe.  

What else? I’m being tested for autism in March. I was just expected to be put on the waitlist for April, but they had one opening, so I grabbed it. It’s near my hometown. And it’s three visits. Two days of testing and one to give results. (If she thinks I don’t have autism, I’m going to be pissed if I have to pay to be told I don’t have autism. What a waste of a visit!) 

I will probably take 4 to 5 hours off for the first two visits. And the giving results visits shouldn’t take long. I might take 2 hours off for that. This is the problem with going back to my hometown for everything. I have to take more time off and leave my dog alone. 

Eventually, I will get doctors here. Maybe? My car is old, and I don’t want to keep driving back and forth. If something happens to my car, I will see doctors around here. The bus system here is much better than in my hometown, but I’m not familiar with it, so I will take an Uber if I have the money.

I was supposed to get a mammogram in March. ARGH. I’ve been putting off this mammogram for two years. My OB/GYN found lumps in my breast, so I’m supposed to go every year. Anyway, in 2020, I was sick (gastroparesis). In 2021, I was going back and forth to doctors for gastroparesis. So now I have to go. But it probably won’t be in March due to all the autism testing visits. If I weren’t worried about snow, I would go in February even though I wanted not to take any time off to have more time off. 

I’m definitely getting a mammogram before May. Oh, and I want to go back to my hometown because they have all my records. I have a lot of cysts in my breasts. But can’t they forward my records to a place here? It would be much easier and quicker to go somewhere around here. I might consider that. 

Time off for doctor’s visits is boring. 

I haven’t had any significant incidents with the neighbor across the street. I think his family member or whoever watches him hates me. Okay. A lot of people hate me. I don’t even keep a list anymore, but she can add herself. 

Oh! I bought a new computer. The Samsung Book Go is great for students and authors. But I do simple work, and I can’t even work on it. So I’m going to sell the Samsung laptop on eBay. Unfortunately, I can’t sell it until February because HP is stupid and slow. Who makes laptops on demand? WTF? My HP Pavillion won’t be here until after February 9th. I hope nothing happens to Samsung. I’m going to sell it for $240 (including shipping). It should go quick. 

I hope the HP laptop lasts for at least 4 to 5 years. Unfortunately, I usually don’t have that kind of luck. I ordered this computer, I upgraded the memory. I didn’t get the touch screen. My mom has a touch screen desktop, and whenever I had to help with something, it was always so annoying to touch the screen by mistake. 

TMI: Fuck Pfizer and the CDC. I have worked so hard not to get my period, and that damn booster bought it the fuck back! I’m so pissed. I will NOT be getting another booster—Eff that shit. I have put YEARS into not getting a period, and then this? I got my booster on December 31, and I have my period right now. I’m so pissed. 

I have a lot to say. I haven’t blogged in a while. But this is getting long. If I keep taking Sundays off, I will have more time to blog. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Jewel, India.Arie, Joy Oladokun, Boyce Avenue, Ellie Goulding, Maggie Rogers, Miranda Lambert, Selena Gomez

TV of the Week:  You, Housewives, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, Magik Vibes, The Astrology Podcast

Books of the Week: I finished  Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin. Great book. Awesome. It’s one of the top books I read in 2021. I finished it on December 31. I admire her. I didn’t finish Not All Diamonds and Rosé: The Inside Story of The Real Housewives from the People Who Lived It by Dave Quinn. I doubt I will buy the book unless it goes on sale. I don’t think this would be a good audiobook because I don’t know many of the characters. It would just be confusing. But I do want to finish this book. 

Goal for Next Week: Who knows? I’m so exhausted. I’m supposed to work on my business website this month. I’ve done a lot, but it’s not finished. I want everything ready to go by February 1. I need to research dentists. I have bad dental insurance this year (by choice), but if I still have my job, I may consider going in 2023. I need anesthesia, and the insurance won’t pay for it. That’s the main issue. AND some dentists don’t even offer anesthesia. Sigh. 

I’m also working on my book. OMG. Editing takes so long, and it’s boring. But I do want the book out there. I know most will criticize, but I’m doing the book for loners. I can’t change neurotypicals’ minds. They are the majority, and they have no reason to understand us. 

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. I’m paying my quarterly taxes. It’s kind of warm for January, but it might rain. If it doesn’t rain, I might take my dog to the park since we didn’t go at all last week. I would like to get some reading in. And maybe do 90 minutes of work? LOL. I have to get some work in. 

A pic from a recent visit to the park:

pic of a park in Virginia. lots of trees, leaves and water.

Thanks for reading! Have a great week. 

Can’t You See I’m Struggling?

Should disabled people have to advocate for themselves? Shouldn’t others help out? What a concept!

Anyway, a not pleasant experience happened on Monday evening. The guy across the street went off on my poor dog and me. Well, it was probably me. 

I heard what sounded like a gunshot. For a second, I thought, “Someone got shot.” Then I heard the guy yelling “fucking bitch” at me across the street. He said lots of things, but I stopped listening. I froze. I was taking my dog out to use the bathroom.

There were lots of commotion. I think my dog was barking at the guy. I can’t remember. He eventually used the bathroom. I think the guy was getting closer because my dog started growling. I didn’t look in his direction, so I didn’t know where he was. 

I was kind of pissed. LOL. So I went into the house and turned the porch light off. That was a mistake. The best thing to do is ignore people like that, and unfortunately, I reacted. 

I had work to do, and I had a meeting at 7 PM. I could not concentrate. I needed to get work done. I called the employee assistance program to see what they might say. He told me to get a gun or a taser. And he told me to call the police. 

I don’t like guns. I would be open to learning how to shoot a firearm, BUT I know I would end up getting pissed off at a moron and shooting them. Do I really want these morons to die? NO. I just want to be left alone. 

Or I might shoot myself, not while my dog is alive. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. I don’t know why he likes me, but he does. He is extremely attached to me. 

A taser? Has anyone heard of retaliation? I would end up getting shot by someone else, and once again, my dog would be left alone. I would be open to carrying a taser in a bad neighborhood where I don’t know anyone, and they have no idea where I live. That’s not a bad idea. But these people know where I live!

My therapist took this week off because she cares a shit about Christmas, or she doesn’t give a fuck. LOL. Anyway, I talked to another therapist on Tuesday night. She kind of said the same things, but she mentioned putting a men’s workboots on the porch. (Hello, they would get stolen). But every freaking person who lives by me, at least ten people all know I live alone. So why would I make 12 trips back and forth when taking the groceries in the house if I lived with someone? They better fucking help! 

Also, I’m always alone with my dog. Always. The neighbors would be dumb to think someone else lived here. Where is the person? Is it a ghost? I guess I should add that people are often outside, especially when over 60 degrees. I rarely go out and see no one. 

I’m used to living in bad neighborhoods. This is my third lousy neighborhood. I didn’t know this area was bad until I moved here. I’m not from here. I’m 40 minutes away from my hometown. 

Anyway, I’m thinking about getting a camera. But my landlord charges $100 for each hole in the wall. I kid you not. So if I ask in advance to drill a hole outside, will I have to pay upfront? Or will she take it out of the security deposit? But, of course, I never think about getting a security deposit back, so I don’t care about that. 

I anonymously asked on Facebook, what should I do? Of course, they all said to call the police. (UGH). But one guy left some helpful links to cameras on Amazon. The cheapest one was $400, and it involves more than one camera. Sigh. Due to my landlord and the cost, I think I only want one camera. If I owned this house, I would get two for the front and back. The front yard isn’t that big, so one camera should cover the yard and my car. 

I will probably email my landlord within 2 to 3 weeks. I saw a decent solar camera for $150. There are some downsides, like not keeping all the footage. It records, and then it goes away, so I would have no proof if I wanted to go to the police. BUT I would be able to see who it was. I can watch it live, but I don’t have time for that. I would get fired for not working!

So the camera is still on the table. No taser because everyone knows where I live. I can’t learn to shoot a gun because someone would “innocently” get killed, or I would kill myself. 

The police? This guy is either mentally unstable or has a learning disability of some sort. The #1 group of unarmed people killed are deaf people and mentally ill people. I don’t know what this guy had. I thought a gunshot would sound louder. He had something. But he lives with caregivers (I think). I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t let him walk around with a gun if they have any sense. I don’t know enough about fake weapons or different kinds of guns to know what he had. It didn’t sound like a firework, but New Year’s is coming soon, so maybe? 

I did tell my mom if anything happens, it is the guy across the street. She doesn’t know about the loud noise that sounded like a gun. I’m going to leave a note in the house that it is the “unstable” guy across the street if anything happens. I have to use Google Maps to get his address. 

SIGH. Nothing has happened since Monday. Oh, I forgot to mention that someone rang my doorbell for an hour after this incident. But I had the meeting at 7 PM, so I couldn’t answer the door. Then I was on the phone with EAP. They still rang the doorbell. After those two things were done, they rang the doorbell five more times, and I was too scared to answer. I can’t imagine ever answering my doorbell unless I had a camera. 

Other than that, nothing is going on. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Joy Oladokun, Jewel, Taylor Swift, Boyce Avenue, JoJo, Fiona Apple, Maria Mena, Adam Melchor

TV of the Week:  You, Housewives, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Crimelines, Drop Your Buffs, Generation Why

Books of the Week: I’m still reading Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin. I have more than 50% to go. She talks about things that happened in 2005, and it seems like it happened yesterday. I’m also reading Not All Diamonds and Rosé: The Inside Story of The Real Housewives from the People Who Lived It by Dave Quinn. So juicy. I’ll have more to say once I finish this book. 

Goal for Next Week: Do better at work, but I feel like their standards are so high. I feel like I’m set up to fail. I did yoga once this week. I would like to relax during my break from work by doing yoga, taking a quick hot shower, or meditating. Meditation doesn’t work for me much anymore. My mind is racing so much. I used to could meditate. Now, it is not relaxing. It’s a chore. 

I’m also getting my house deep cleaned on January 3, so I’m going to try to get the little things off the floor. I do not need a deep clean. I have an inspection in January, but the place is not dirty. I’ve only been here since November 8. Do I want to mop the floors? No. She has a business, and she’ll do it. I have to tell her I’m sadly allergic to essential oils. She is known for leaving the houses she cleans with a deep smell of essential oils. OMG. I would die. I wouldn’t be able to work for the rest of the day. I would be sneezing three times a minute and having trouble breathing. I used to love essential oils. I can’t even use shower gels now. THAT SUCKS. 

Weekend Plans: Today is Friday. I was supposed to get a booster shot today, but I would have to drive 40 minutes to my hometown. I’m not doing that, so I’m scheduled for next Friday. I don’t think the booster is helping with the spread of COVID. When I go to the park, I rarely see people, and we are always more than six feet apart. I go to the grocery store once a month. I will see my mom on her birthday next week, but the booster won’t be in my system the day I see her. If she wants me to wear a mask, I will. 

If people who could stay home stayed home (regardless of vaccination status), that would be helpful. If the country shut down for two weeks, that would probably help. But capitalism. The vaccine is not stopping COVID at the moment. It might lessen symptoms which are good, but we don’t know the long-term effects of having COVID. Read the newspaper about people who had mild cases of COVID and how they are still suffering a year later! 

I’m taking my one day off a month today. I will read, listen to music, go for a walk, and start my business plans for 2022. Tomorrow and Sunday, back to work. 

Thanks for reading! Have a great rest of 2021. 

Beginning of November 2021

November 1, 2021

Only 5 minutes of writing today. Sigh.

I’m moving on Sunday. Wow. I won’t have electricity until Monday, so I don’t know how that goes. I will have gas, though. 

Today was rough at work.

Tomorrow has got to be better. I was planning on leaving after I talk to my ADHD coach to go to the water company. But should I wait until Monday??? I will have more time on Monday. My dog will have to be alone unless it is cool.

Tired. Frustrated. And it’s only Monday. Wow. Yeah, I should not go to the water company tomorrow. I will look into that. 

Have a lot to do and buy before Sunday. I hope I can do all my overtime on Saturday. This is bonkers! 

I might get neurofeedback. Probably need it, but how many sessions? And how much. One near where I’m moving starts at $50. 

End of 5-minute session. Bye!

November 2, 2021

10-minute writing session. I can’t believe I have ten minutes! 

I didn’t do much overtime today. I had an appointment with my ADHD coach, and I made up that time. I was supposed to go to the water company but fuck it. 

I did call the electric company, and they are coming on Friday. PLEASE let them turn the power on. If they see that dog or something is blocking the meter, I’m screwed. 

I’m moving on Sunday, and I need power for food and my noise machines. I’m not sleeping in a new house without the noise machines. I don’t even know how my dog would do. 

I still haven’t decided whether I should take him to meet the landlord. I think it will be too much. Stimulation overload, and I will lose focus and get frustrated. 

Sunday will be a long day for my dog. He can handle it.

Work went well today. Went above my numbers.

I’m not doing a good job at packing, but it is only Tuesday, right? 

Bummed that people are recording CPS hearings and messing things up for everyone. So now I must watch live. Is there a way to record YouTube? Maybe. But why bother? 

No walk today. It rained.

I don’t have food for next week. UGH. I might order groceries, but I don’t even know what to order. Is there a Taco Bell where I’m moving? Hmmm. If so, I will probably go. 

I didn’t get to meditate today because of my appointment with my ADHD coach. She has helped me, but she doesn’t want to help with the accommodation stuff, which bugs me. It’s not helpful. Maybe I can get my therapist to help me, or perhaps I shouldn’t fill it out at all??? 

I don’t know. So confused. Time is almost up. Wow. I feel behind. I need to pack. Have business work to do. But I think I can do it all this week. 

November 3, 2021

8-minute session today. I am so tired after the governor election last night. Screw who won! He will set us back. Some of those people deserve it, but many don’t. 

Yes, Terry sucked, but he would have been better. Oh god.

Work was slow this morning. Picked up a little in the afternoon. I didn’t do too bad.

I’m behind on packing. Um, screw it. It’s not happening. I will probably have all of Sunday morning to pack. At least that’s the plan. 

Oh, my dad is living in where I’ll be moving in a motel. Interesting. Too bad I can’t help him. If he sees me, I will have to lie about where I live. 

Wow. So sleepy. Need rest. I was going to do a ten-minute packing session. I think I will lower that number. 

I need to relax and not work. So maybe I won’t bring the laptop to bed tonight. Good solution. 

I’m running out of things to say. I hope the move is successful. I have a big fear of people and new situations. So this is scary, but I’m also a little hopeful. 

My plant is dying. I might feed it some water after this. All I really want to do is get in bed. I hope tomorrow is an easy workday. I need one. I had one yesterday. 

Sigh.

I’m a Mountain Dew Drinker

It looks like my gastroparesis may be back. I hope everyone who stressed me out and worked me to death is thrilled. 

Fuck them all. 

Other than that, things are going great! Can you feel the sarcasm? 

I’m really pissed about the gastroparesis being back. But moving and working 70 hours a week might do that to anyone. 

I ate french fries for dinner tonight (Friday night. I don’t know when I’ll be posting this). I can’t even think about a burger. I hope I don’t start losing weight again. Last time I got down to 103. That sucked. I’m now about 113. My jeans are getting loose again. I didn’t notice how hard it was to talk due to a lack of energy and nausea. People thought I didn’t want to talk when I was just sick.

Well, I never WANT to talk to people. But I couldn’t say more than a few words at a time without feeling sick. It was so bad. 

I feel so exhausted, and guess what? There was no required overtime at my job this week. And it was still crappy. I feel better about some things, but overall not a good week. 

I got my Samsung Galaxy Book Go, and I’m not using it now. LOL. But I do plan to use it more later today. I did use it during the week, but not much for work stuff. 

The Book Go is suitable for students. It’s not for people who like to listen to music. Spotify skips, and the volume isn’t loud enough. I haven’t tried listening with noise-canceling headphones yet. 

For now, I will say I’m glad my MacBook Air still works. I usually wait until a computer dies before I get another one. But with my work, I can’t wait until a computer dies. I need to get shit done now. 

I will review it more later. Unfortunately, I can’t do a full review without working on it. 

I’ve decided to write my book. I’ve been writing it since 2007. I will self-publish it. I’m getting it all organized for the editor. It will cost between $400 to $600 to edit. It won’t be a great edit, but I’m not spending a ton editing a book I’m not planning to make a lot of money on. I’m thinking about taking donations. I might make $100 a year from this book. Or less. I just want my book out. 

I thought finding clothes for ThredUP* would be fun. But now they aren’t sending bags anymore. So I have to box my clothes up and send it to them. It won’t cost me anything (except a trip to the post office), but I don’t have a box big enough for all the jeans I have. Jeans are heavy. Ugh. 

So I don’t know what I’m planning to do. That was supposed to be my fun project. I have one small-medium box. Maybe 4-5 pairs of jeans can’t fit in there. Dude, I want to get rid of at least 20 pairs of jeans. 

Whatever.

On Wednesday, a guy yelled, “bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch” across the street at me. Was there one more bitch? I don’t know. The guy has mental issues. I don’t know what they are. It could be a learning disability. (That’s not mental, right?) 

It didn’t bother me. I was pissed because I couldn’t find help. He is a Black male with some learning issues or mental illness. If I were him, I would be pissed off too. The world has probably failed him in so many ways. I understand. I get it. 

However, if he approached me…Well, my dog was with me. My dog wouldn’t let him get too close. So anyway, he was across the street calling me a bitch. He was far away. There was no physical threat. Do I want it to happen again? NO. I don’t like attention—someone yelling at you kind of puts attention on you. 

The United States has failed so many people. The few who are doing fine refuse to acknowledge their privilege. That makes people angrier. LOL. If you can split bills with a partner, you are lucky. America punishes single people without kids. If you are a single woman (or identify as a woman) without kids, try getting into a domestic violence shelter. They usually get turned away. 

People say ask for help. WHERE IS THE FUCKING HELP? Stop telling people that unless you have a resource. I will talk about this again. This bothers me so much. 

Oh, and I have been lucky in my life. I admit that all the time. I could say renting this house is a privilege, BUT I just moved here on November 7. It could be horrible (I hope not). I’m not going to know until at least six months to a year. Most things that started as “luck” turned out lousy over time. That’s just life. I still consider that being lucky if I didn’t do it myself. 

Once, I got a HUGE raise. That was luck. Well, I went to work every day* and did an okay job. But I didn’t ask for a raise. My manager just picked three people for a raise. I bet he wouldn’t get away with that now. Anyway, him giving me a raise is why I’m making what I’m making now. I’m still working class, so it’s not enough to live off. I’m not middle class or anything. I had to start a business to really make money. 

*I was lucky to be able to work every day because I was healthy for the most part. 

I will probably make a little over $50,000 in 2021. That includes my business income and overtime. So no, I don’t make a lot at my full-time job. But I do make more than the median income in The United States. Some people get free food (EBT AKA food stamps) or the child tax credit. I have a person in my family that makes more than I do (from my day job) with JUST the child tax credit. She also works. She has to pay for childcare for the one or two, not in school. If the child tax credit stays forever, I would consider not working if I were her. 

The child tax credit won’t solve everything. If a person needs healthcare, they will probably need to get a job eventually. This is another massive failure of our system and why I’m working full-time. However, I am considering quitting in 2023 and just freelance. I might not have healthcare, so I hope the gastroparesis doesn’t return. 

My point is, I have been lucky. I point out where I have been lucky. I point out where I have NOT received any help. If a person makes more than me on unemployment and doesn’t have the stress of working, I consider that lucky because working for someone else makes me physically and mentally sick. Therefore, I need money from the government. Working is making me sick. But who cares? Only me. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: JJ Heller, Adele, Boyce Avenue, Joss Stone, Ellie Goulding, Joss Stone, Kelly Clarkson, Mariah Carey

My top three artists for 2021 were Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert, and Jewel. 

TV of the Week:  Survivor, Vanderpump Rules

Movie of the WeekLandline. 3 stars. I’m mad someone recommended this, but I was working while watching, so not a complete waste of time. It’s just not a good movie. Oh, but Eddie Falco is in it. I love her. She’s not in it enough to make it watchable. 

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, 10% Happier

Books of the Week: Still reading Women With ADHD by Roberta Sanders and Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin. I’m not going to finish Huma’s book in time. It’s due at the library in 3 or 4 days. After that, I might get it from Audible. The book is so long. There is no way I could read this book in 21 days. 

Goal for Next Week: I don’t know yet. I might have to work overtime. I hope not. I have a meeting with a new client on Tuesday. She hasn’t signed the contract, so technically, she’s not a client yet. She’s an artist. I have never worked with an artist before. This should be interesting. I might call the autism resource line to talk to a social worker. It’s a free benefit from my job, so why not? I’m also meeting with a person to discuss how I want to do this book thing. Do I give parts away for free and hope for donations? I don’t know how I want to set it up yet. There are so many options. 

Weekend Plans: Well, today is Sunday. I took my dog to the vet yesterday. I hope his tests went well. I will find out next week. My dog was limping. The doctor couldn’t tell if it was arthritis or something else because my dog was nervous and tense. I do get one “free” X-ray a year. I want to save it in case something happens. Sigh. If he seems fine, I will get the X-rays done in October 2022. I am paying for that benefit, and it might be helpful to get a yearly x-ray even if nothing seems wrong. 

I want to work on my book for at least one hour today. Then do one hour of marketing my biz. I will set a timer for these tasks because I need to relax. I gotta go. My dog thinks it’s lunch time and he is driving me nuts.

I know this is a long entry. If you read it, whoa! 😄Thanks for reading. Have a great week.

I’m off Twitter

YAY! I have all 8,000+ of my tweets. They are mostly about sports. Uh, I don’t watch sports much anymore.

I got my new computer (see last entry). More info later.

I’m still a child

I’ve been bad if not celebrating Thanksgiving, and buying crap is terrible. I don’t care about holidays. But spending money, I do care about. I still have money in my moving savings account that I haven’t touched yet. 

What did I buy? A cellphone – Moto G Power (2021). I’m going to use it for apps because my cellphone sucks. I will only be able to use this phone with wi-fi. It’s unlocked, so I should be able just to use it without a sim card, right? If I can’t, I will return it. I think Amazon will take it back. I chose to pick this up from Rite Aid. I will probably get it on Sunday, unless it arrives very early on Saturday. I’m new to this neighborhood and I don’t want a bunch of packages coming here. I think people around here notice everything.

Unfortunately, I ordered my Samsung Galaxy Book Go (a cheap laptop) directly from Samsung. Now I wish I would have ordered from Amazon because I know how they ship. Or I could have picked it up. I know Amazon will let me know when the package is here. Unfortunately, I have no idea how Samsung ships. I did leave one small package outside for 48 minutes, and no one stole it. BUT THIS IS A LAPTOP!

Anyway, my MacBook Air only performed well for less than two years, so no more Macs for me. I’m going back to Windows. I don’t know how long this Samsung Galaxy will last. It is usually $350. I got it on sale for $250. I need to be able to work. 

My Chromebook is about three years old and in good shape because I never used it. I just downloaded apps on it today. It’s funny because it is so thick. All the Chromebooks on the market today are slim. My CB looks like a dinosaur. It also has a small screen, so the next one I get (probably next year) will be bigger. 

I took today off. I did a good job with unpacking. I don’t know what else I need. Well, I know I’m going to get rid of a lot of my old clothes, which excites me. I might get started this weekend if I have time. I know I will probably never get back to a size 8 in jeans again, so I will get rid of 85% of my jeans (due to gastroparesis).

I’m going to have two piles. One pile will be the name-brand clothes. Those will go to ThredUp so I can get jeans in my size. I only have one pair of jeans that I can find in my new size (about a size 4). I did buy two other pairs, but I have to go through everything to find them. The other pile I will donate to the new city I’m living in. 

It will be great to get rid of so many jeans. However, I’m keeping all my tops. No matter my size, I wore medium and oversized tops, and I’m not going to stop now. I can probably get rid of a few dresses too, but I have to try them on. I’m not sure how a medium dress will fit me. The one I’ve worn is a little too long, but I can still wear it. 

I also need to get back into recycling. It seems like it should be easy, but ugh. I’m probably making it too complicated. I was saving cans, but that causes clutter, so I’m going to throw away the cans until I can come up with a system.

I’m doing a Black Friday sale for my biz. So far, one person has signed up, but she’s not an ideal client because it will be a lot of work for me for about $240 a month. Ugh. I might explain to her that I can work with her for a little extra money. Explaining stuff? Communicating? I suck at that. 

Well, I have to go and get my website ready for the Black Friday sale. I should do it tomorrow and just take today entirely off, but the deal goes live at 11 AM, and it makes me nervous to wait until tomorrow. I like to be prepared. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Adele, Taylor Swift, Jewel, Maggie Rogers, Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Grace Potter, Joss Stone

I’ve been listening to a lot of music this week. It makes me feel good, so why don’t I listen to more music? 

TV of the Week:  Survivor, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, Dear Gabby, Breakdown, What Should I Read Next?, Your Permission Prescription

Books of the Week: I’m reading Women With ADHD: A Life-Changing Guide to Overcome the Hidden Struggles of Living with ADHD – Includes Debunked Myths and 15 Effective Tips to Positively Transform Your Life by Roberta Sanders. There is lots of good info here, but I don’t like how she states, “make eye contact.” NO SHIT. What if making eye contact makes things worse because you get overstimulated? Then it’s not such a good idea. Only in job interviews do I try to make eye contact because the whole fake situation is overstimulating. Not making eye contact probably would allow me to have better answers, but I wouldn’t be a great communicator either way. 

I borrowed Huma Abedin’s book from the library, but I haven’t started it because the ADHD book is so good.

I finished Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. ★★★★ It’s a great book about her father dying from COVID. But it’s so short. Only 97 pages. So I had to take away a star. It is a great book. Very real. 

Goal for Next Week: I don’t want to think about next week. I have no time off and lots to do. Busy week. Ugh. My goal is to make the phone calls I need to make. 

Weekend Plans: Today is Thursday. I would love to get a new blog post up on my biz website tomorrow. I really need to update my website, but that could take forever, so I won’t spend more than 2 hours simply fixing it up. I’m not going to start over. I will probably start a bag of clothes to donate and a bag for ThredUp. That’s a fun project for me. And maybe finally finish unpacking. I’m 87% done. 

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🥰 

Nothing left to lose?

Long time. No real entry! I moved to another city. I still live in Virginia. I’m 40 minutes away from my hometown. 

I live somewhat downtown. I could never afford to live downtown in a big city. I haven’t had a lot of time to explore, but I like walking around the neighborhood. My dog likes it too, BUT he hurt his leg on our first walk. He finally stopped limping yesterday. We went to the park and walked around for 30 minutes. I’m so glad that he seems okay. 

My dog on the floor of my office. He has eyes closed.
My dog in the office.

I got out of required overtime this week—kind of. However, I did do 3 hours of OT. I was supposed to do 8 hours, but I emailed my boss and told her that I was moving and that my dad got hit by a car. So she said it was okay for me not to work today.

Yep, my dad did get hit by a car AGAIN. He was living in hotels, but he can’t afford food and hotels for a whole month on his income. Plus, he has officially been diagnosed with dementia. So, he can’t live alone. The problem is, where does he go? The hospital won’t release him until they can find something. 

After I post this blog, I’m going to unpack more. I left a lot of stuff, so I don’t have that much to unpack. I want to get things organized. It’s funny how many clothes I have. I rarely leave the house (except when walking my dog), so I’m thinking of keeping most of my clothes packed. 

The house is mostly okay. The biggest issue so far is how much heat is. There are no vents in the rooms! I didn’t notice that when looking at the house. I have to leave the doors open. That wouldn’t bother me if I lived alone, but I don’t like having opened doors with my dog. If it’s midnight and he has to go the bathroom, he’ll just use it in the kitchen instead of waking me up. Gross! I don’t want to have to clean that up. That’s what happened at the old house. I learned if I kept the bedroom door closed, then he wouldn’t do it.

The heat is also expensive. $178 a month! My mom’s house is way bigger, and her gas bill is about $100 a month. How does that make sense? So, I’m paying way more than I thought I was going to pay. 

The movers were great. I only had a desk, treadmill, bed, and a medium-sized wooden table. Since it was considered long distance, I had to pay $450 even though I didn’t have much. I don’t have any living room furniture or TVs. 

This is the first time I don’t have a TV. I don’t have cable. Besides, I watch everything on my iPad. 

I have much more to say about the neighbors. LOL. But not now. 

I did yoga yesterday during my work break. That felt so great. It’s so great to be able to move around. The living room is kind of a gym. My treadmill is there. And I do yoga there. Otherwise, I’m never in the living room. 

I have to get brakes for my car tomorrow because I’m getting my car inspected on Thursday. I hope it’s not too expensive. I might go grocery shopping afterward. I don’t want to leave my dog alone, but he has to be here alone unless I drive to my mom. My dog was so scared (shaking) when I left him alone on Monday. I had to go turn the water on. It only took about 45 minutes. I know tomorrow is going to take more than that. 

If I still have my job in 2022, I will order my food once a month. I will still have to go to the store occasionally to get paper towels etc. I would love only to have to go to the store once every 60 days. 

Anyway, I was going to buy a computer. But now I have lots of bills. I need a computer to work. I have to see what I can do on a Chromebook. I can do lots of admin stuff without a computer. But I do a lot with Canva*. I need a laptop for that. I have a new-ish Chromebook. I rarely use it, but I’m getting it out today to use my computer less. 

I have a list of laptops I MIGHT consider if there’s a Black Friday sale. I haven’t done much research. I know I’m going back to Windows. The good Macs are out of my budget. At this point, I might be willing to spend $500 on a computer. Not sure. It depends on how the car stuff goes. 

EDIT: Wow, my Chromebook can do much more than I thought. I might not buy anything OR I might buy a better Chromebook. I have to do research. I’m still going to wait until Black Friday.

I’m also thinking about offering some of my services on Black Friday. Unfortunately, I’m too busy now. But if someone wants to start working with me in January? Hmmm. I should follow through with this idea. The service would cost $2000 for six months of work. I know that sounds like a lot, but it is incredibly underpriced. 

I have so much to say. I haven’t blogged in forever. This is getting long. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, India.Arie, Joss Stone, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, Rachel Platten, Alessia Cara, Ariana Grande 

TV of the Week:  Survivor

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Undisclosed, Crimelines, Ten Percent Happier, I have ADHD, Generation Why, Dear Gabby

Books of the Week: I’ve been listening to an excellent course about purpose on Audible. Unfortunately, it’s not a book. I wanted to buy the Kindle version, but it doesn’t exist. If you have Audible, I suggest checking out this course – Finding Your Purpose by Christine Whelan. I will take the audio with me tomorrow and do all the exercises while I wait for my car. Most of these courses come with a PDF. That would be so helpful. Instead, I have to listen and write down everything.

Goal for Next Week: Either do yoga or meditate every day. I think meditation is probably more helpful for my ADHD issues, but some parts of yoga are like meditation. But they are not the same thing. 

I also want to get ALL the rest of my stuff from my old place. 

Weekend Plans: I’m going to set a 25-minute timer and unpack/organize twice today. I might get everything done with those two sessions. Then I’m going to do some biz work. I will probably work for about 3 hours today. It’s going to be 60 degrees. I hope my dog’s leg is okay. I’m going to try to go to the park at 2. The park is not that great, btw. It’s nothing compared to our (my dog and me) favorite park. This park is more for kids to play basketball and walk. Tomorrow is all about my car and getting groceries.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 Is this font too big? LOL. I give up with WordPress and font. I also can’t see well, so I want everything big.

Memories Fade Away

I don’t have time to do a normal entry. I’m not even editing this until after I move. I move on Sunday. I will probably have internet by Monday evening.

I’m going to post a few pics from my beach trip. It was nice, but I’m learning that breaks don’t really help when you are in a high stress environment. Here I am back to working 60 to 65 hours a week. Same old.

My dog was well behaved. I hope he is well behaved in the new house!

dog near the beach. Lots of grass.
The beach was closed this day. It was rainy and windy. Some of the roads flooded. It is scary to have a beach house. How do people deal with it during hurricane season?
This was before the flooding. When the water was high, the pier was covered and there was no walking here.
bedroom with a ceiling fan.
Where I spent the most time – the bedroom.
Loved it out here. Great view.
The beach
Beach was closed. My dog doesn’t love the beach like me, so he was fine. He loves the park.

He’s not sleeping. Just blinking. He hates when I take his picture!

I wish I had more time. But I really didn’t have time to post this. I’ll be back after I move.


Thanks for reading. Bye!