Heading Down Hill

Countdown:

16 days until my mini-vacation

From my private journal – October 5, 2021

Is today the day of my breakdown? I cried a lot today. In front of my ADHD coach! I never cry anymore. It might be the Adderall. 

Not sure? I did ask for a short notice day off for tomorrow and I got it! Shocked. But she said yes. 

I don’t feel secure in my job at all. Time to look for a new job or double down on my business but I can’t do freelance work with the mandatory overtime. 

Frustrating.

I got TWO errors today. They might fight one. So not sure. But I was in such a good mood and then BAM. Errors. Fuck. (UPDATE: I only got one error. They took the other error back because I stood up for myself and told them they were wrong!)

My coach mentioned that I might have a visual processing problem! Interesting. Might be true. I never thought of that. I know I have a sound processing issue. I will look into that. 

I feel hopeless, helpless, frustrated, sad, angry, and misunderstood.

From my private journal – October 10, 2021

(What I plan to do on my mini-vacation)

Write your rough draft of why you want to pause.

I want to pause because life is shitty right now, and I need to figure out some next steps. I also want clarity. I need a break. I hate almost everything about my life.

Recently my emotions have been all over the place due to Adderall. Happy, sadness, & anger.

The story I’m making up: I have no control over my life. I have no support. No one cares about me. I’m the only one working a lot.

What I plan to do on my pause is….

  • Gain clarity on what I want the next few years to look like. Have a plan for what I need to do now to get there.
  • A successful pause would be actionable steps (a plan) on what to do these next two months. I plan to rest more than usual during my pause.
  • I hope to be calmer after the pause. Not as angry.
  • I want to have a plan for a digital release in January of 2022. Decide whether I need to take a class and/or hire a coach.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alana Davis, Charlotte Martin, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Boyce Avenue, Grace Potter, JoJo, Kacey Musgraves

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives, Elize Matsunga (sp?) 

I finished the Elize show. I don’t recommend it. It’s interesting, but should not have been a show.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, I Have ADHD, The Followers, Tara Brach

Books of the Week:

I finished ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction – from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward M. Hallowell , John J. Ratey ★★★★ I have to read this again. Per usual, too much talk about kids with ADHD. But a decent read.

Goal for Next Week: Not to kill myself or anyone else.

Weekend Plans: I worked most of Saturday (yesterday). I did marketing stuff for my business today. I have learned my lesson and will not work ALL Sunday even if I feel like it. I only took one dose of Adderall today. One dose only lasts for 3 hours for me.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 

What is Adult ADHD Like?

October happens to be ADHD awareness month, so good timing on my part. Anyway, it was hard finding good videos on adult ADHD. These are the ones that describe MY experience:

I didn’t show many signs of ADHD as a kid, but the video above reminded me of a few of my signs:

  • I made good grades in math, but I would also get told I could have had a higher grade if I didn’t make careless mistakes.
  • I had a hard time writing long papers.
  • I was obsessed with planners from the age of 8. I have had a planner every year since then.
  • I was messy and a little disorganized. I still am very messy. I have learned how to organize things.
  • I was hypersensitive to touch. Now, I can’t tolerate touch, noise or smells.
  • I would become addicted to every hobby. I still do now, but I don’t have as much time for hobbies now.
  • How could I forget the main thing??? I talk extremely fast. Always have. That’s the hyperactivity part of me.

I’m sure there are other things like low self-esteem, but I may have had that without ADD.

Links to articles on adult ADHD:

I will update this list of articles if I find a great read…if I remember!

I was just diagnosed with ADHD in August of 2021. I have read a few books on it. But I don’t really feel knowledgable about ADHD. I know more about social anxiety, and gastroparesis. I’m an expert on those.

I did try a non-medication for ADD. I only tried Adrenal and Focus from Mary Ruth Organics* (link). I think my ADD is too severe for this. It kind of helps, but a bottle would only last a week! It made me a little sleepy, so I think Adrenal and Focus is probably best for people with hyperactivity. If I had a kid with mild ADHD, I would probably try this first before meds. If it didn’t work, I would have no problems with medicine.

*Affl. link You get $10 off your first order if you use my link. I have stopped using Adrenal and Focus since I’m on Adderall. I do recommend their liquid vitamin multi-vitamin. I’ve taken it every day for the past 4 months and my lab results came back looking decent for someone with gastroparesis. I get most of my nutrients from their morning vitamin – NOT FOOD. I highly recommend any Mary Ruth products. All organic. No alcohol. Etc.

I have an ADHD coach. She’s still in school for her certification, so she’s affordable and we only meet twice a month. I recommend getting a coach if you can spare the money. There are also group programs which are definitely cheaper. I know I don’t do well in groups because I don’t talk! So I didn’t even seriously consider that. If you want a certified ADHD coach or group coaching, look here to get started. (link) I like that list because it can be filtered easily. I think I found my coach through just searching ‘ADHD membership’. She has a big monthly membership group that I am not a part of yet. She’s not currently taking anymore clients because she has 3 (including me) and with all that she has going on, she can’t take on more.

Therapy also helps and is probably much cheaper than coaching for most people. Please be sure the therapist is familiar with adult ADHD or you will get frustrated.

As far as organization goes, I use ClickUp* (link) for all my business stuff and a few major personal things. I just bought a Planner Pad (link) because so many people with ADHD rave about it. I just got it today. I will add a review here once I use it for a couple of months. ClickUp is the only thing that works for me as a business owner. I like that I can set recurring tasks since I do some things every month. I’ve also tried Trello, Notion and Asana. ClickUp is a little slow on my computer, but it works best for me.

*supposedly an aff. link, but I don’t know anyone who has gotten money from them – lol.

That’s all for now. I will try to update this post with articles, podcasts and videos as time goes on.

Have a good day. Thanks for stopping by. Don’t be a stranger. 🙂

Are You My Missing Piece?

I was on the wrong medication the whole time. ADD is overdiagnosed in kids. If a kid is hyper and makes bad grades, they are automatically labeled as someone with ADHD. However, adults are underdiagnosed. 

How many adults are on antidepressants when they aren’t depressed? I was depressed in college. But, I haven’t been depressed without reason for at least ten years! I’m not depressed. I have ADHD. 

I wish doctors were more aware of adult ADD and bipolar disease. Being on an antidepressant when you have bipolar is extremely dangerous. It could lead to suicide or a manic episode. 

Anyway, I’m finally on Adderall. It is the medicine I need. It WORKS! It has its downsides, of course. 

It does raise blood pressure and lowers appetite. Not for everyone. Since I’ve been dealing with gastroparesis for 8-9 months, I’m used to eating when I’m not hungry, so I’m doing it now. I have a schedule. You have to eat even though you’re not hungry. People with ADHD can often go hours forgetting to eat, but I’m used to my schedule now.

I am eating less, but my weight was 114 last week. I probably have lost a pound since taking Adderall. As long as it’s not due to gastroparesis, I’m fine. I don’t want to weigh less than 110. 

The blood pressure thing is going to be interesting. I go see a NEW PCP on Tuesday. He may want me off Adderall if my BP is high, but I’m not going off. I have been waiting for most of my life to feel normal. Dude, you can give me a medicine for hypertension, but I’m not going off the Adderall. I just started! AND IT WORKS!

I have less anxiety (until the medicine wears off). I’m content, and I’m less frustrated. I’m working better. I’m able to focus. I think more clearly. Etc. 

I will ask for a higher dose. 10 MG is extremely low. Of course, I don’t know how things will go, but I’m guessing 20 MG twice a day will work for me. I want to try three times a day (I’m taking it twice a day on most days), but I can’t let anything affect my sleep. 

Some people only take meds when they have school or work. But #1. I work almost every day #2. It helps with anxiety, and I’m always anxious, so why would I take a day off? #3. It helps me with my mood. Uh, hell yeah, I want to feel content. 

If I remember, I will take about non drug alternatives to helping with ADHD. I have tried a few things. I will review those later. Maybe next time.

Today is Sunday. I worked from 7 AM to 9 PM yesterday (with a nap in between), so I could take most of today off. I’m only taking one dose today. It does raise my BP, so my body could use a break. 

When I go on my vacation in late October, I might try skipping a day or just taking one dose a day. Or I might take one amount a day.

Speaking of my vacation, I’m so excited!!! I do want new tires before I go. I still have to do that. I think I only need one tire, but I may as well get four new ones since I have to get my car inspected in November. 

I’m buying one new book today that I can’t find in the library. But other than that, I’m not spending any more money on unnecessary stuff until November. I need to focus on getting $5K in my moving savings account, so I feel comfortable moving. I only have $1,100 for my move because I decided to take a vacation, and hey, why not buy some winter clothes?

In my defense, I did buy the winter clothes from ThredUp (an online thrift store – aff. link). However, I don’t go anywhere, so most of these clothes are for when I walk the dog and to wear around the house. I would share pics of all the clothes I ordered, but I ordered the plainest sweaters. I don’t care how I look when I walk around the house or the neighborhood. I wear wrinkle shit all the time. LOL. 

I did buy a few things I will wear when I go to the grocery store and doctor’s appointments. I HATE the cold, so I’m only going grocery shopping once a month starting in November. Anyhow, here are some of the nicer clothes I bought from ThredUP:

This jacket will be used exclusively for dog walking. I hope it will last all winter, but I seriously doubt it. It’s probably not thick enough.
I love cardigans. This is for the rare occasion when I actually go somewhere.
I will be wearing this sweater every time I leave my house this winter.
An example of what I will be wearing around the house. The other clothes are so plain, I’m not going to post them, but for some reason I think this will be comfy to work in. I can’t wait to get this.

This post is getting long, so I’m going to get right to finishing it up with what I consumed this week.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Jewel, Boyce Avenue, Chris Stapleton, Ellie Goulding, JoJo, Joss Stone

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives, Elize Matsunga (sp?)

Rooting for Xavier to win BB. He played the best game. He’a a Taurus. The end. Kyland is trash. I always knew that.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Southlake, Murdaugh Murders

Books of the Week: I finished reading two books over these past two weeks. I finished:

All the Things We Never Knew: Chasing the Chaos of Mental Illness by Sheila Hamilton ★★★★★ This is one of the best books I’ve read this year.

Victim F From Crime Victims to Suspects to Survivors by Denise Huskins & Aaron Quinn ★★★★1/2 Great book. If you like true crime or nonfiction, I recommend this. My only complaint is that it is about 50 pages too long.

Goal for Next Week: To not lose my mind. I’m working 60 hours again next week. I have 2 hours off from my day job to go to the doctor. I would like to start reading a new book next week during work breaks. Hopefully, if I do all the exercises in the book, it will lead to me being less confused. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life because working 60 hours a week sucks. The book is – Pause: Harnessing the Life-Changing Power of Giving Yourself a Break.

Weekend Plans: I’m going to eat lunch and then work on marketing my business a little. Then walk my dog. Nothing too exciting.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 Bye.

I Want Simple Times

I have two things I am very excited about. But, of course, I am worried about how both things could go wrong—typical me.

The thing that made me smile this week is that my psychiatrist prescribed me Adderall. I wanted Vyvanse because my ex-therapist told me that would do wonders for me. Unfortunately, my doctor doesn’t want to deal with the health insurance company. Vyvanse isn’t even that expensive. I would pay for it.

Anyway, I haven’t started Adderall yet. It’s coming through the mail. I probably will have it by Thursday. I’ve been on meds for years. So why haven’t they worked? Uh, because maybe they were treating the wrong thing! I have ADHD first. Everything else is secondary.

What would it be like to be normal? I know the neurodiversity crowd doesn’t like the word ‘normal.’ They don’t want to be normal. I WANT TO BE FUCKING NORMAL. Okay, I don’t want to be boring. But the norms in the United States are based on people being ordinary. To work or make a living, it’s far easier to make money when you are normal.

The Adderall might not work. Some of the side effects are losing weight and GI issues. Well, I already have a severe GI issue. I’m underweight. I just want the med to work. My work is suffering. I have to work so hard to focus during the day.

I’m so thankful to my doctor. I was shocked when he said he treated ADHD! I asked him about eight years ago, and he said that he didn’t prescribe stimulants. So I assumed it was still valid. I’m glad I was wrong.

I’m too scattered to explain how ADHD affects me. Here is a chart that kind of explains what it’s like for me:

FWIW, I’m good at listening. I just can’t follow verbal directions. I need things written down.

Check back for updates on how Adderall works for me. I’m hoping for the best. Even if it works a little, I would consider that a win. I need less chaos.

I booked a 3 night/4 day trip to a private beach at the end of October!!! I’m working SO much. I can’t move, so I’m going to have a little fun. At this point, it will just be my dog and me.

I’m concerned that it might snow. But I looked it up, and it NEVER snows in October, but it’s the last week of October. So I’m still a little nervous. But, I can still get my money back up to October 13. So that makes me feel good in case something comes up.

The house is charming. It’s within walking distance of the beach. It’s going to be cool, so I won’t be spending much time there. I’m planning on spending most of my time in the house. You can see the beach from the windows and deck. That’s good enough for me.

I’m glad I could pay CASH for this trip—no more credit cards for me. Well, I have to have credit because that’s how America runs. But for now, I don’t use credit cards. Eventually, I might want to better my credit score, so I might buy furniture or something with credit. Anyway…

I’m leaving on October 27. Here are some pics of the vacation house.

This is where my dog and I will spend most of our time. I’m not going into the other bedrooms. See that desk? I will be using it. This is probably going to be a working vacation unless I can get everything done in advance.
How close the house is to the beach – walking distance.
The kitchen. I will probably bring prepared food with me, so that I won’t have to cook.
The deck.
The sunroom. It’s added on to the master bedroom where I will spend most of my time.
The living room. Probably will only stay here if I have DVDs. There’s a DVD player in this room.

My dog behaves pretty well but I want to be extra careful. So I’m mainly staying in the bedroom and sunroom. I’ll be watching my dog 24/7. He will go everywhere with me – whether he likes it or not. LOL.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Kacey Musgraves, Elle Varner, The Wreckers, Boyce Avenue, Lizzo, Mariah Carey, Caitlyn Smith, Danielle Bradbury

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives

I hope Tiffany wins BB. She has played the best game.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished,

Books of the Week: I finished reading The Comfort Book by Matt Haig – ★★★★ I love Matt Haig’s books. I think he is my current favorite author. I’m scared to Google him. What has he done wrong???

Goal for Next Week: I’m working 60 hours again next week. 🤯  BUMMER. My goals include doing good work, not getting overwhelmed and to not be so reactive. Adderall would probably help with all of that. ::crossing fingers::

Weekend Plans: The weekend is almost over. I worked most of yesterday. After I post this, I’m going to walk my dog, take a nap, eat dinner and work.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 

Bad Blood

I have to work 60 hours this week and another 60 hours next week. Most people don’t have to work this much. I want this to end. I don’t mind working 60 hours for myself. I’m only working 10 hours a week for myself. The rest is for the man. The horrible man.

I do get two days off from my corporate job the week of Sept. 6. I’m also off on Sept. 20. I’m desperate for a getaway with my dog. Instead of planning my birthday trip for May 2022, I should be planning a trip for October or November. I have to think about it.

I have decided not to move right now. I’m saving money instead. I can’t afford to rent A HOUSE within an hour of where I live now. The high rent prices are kind of a new thing within the last year. I lived in a house in a nice neighborhood for five years. I will be able to afford to rent in about two years. But I don’t want to wait that long. I’m not living in a good situation. It’s affecting my physical and mental health.

Work is also affecting my health, but I know I would do better if I just lived in a house with my dog. I have proof from the past.

I still haven’t been able to get the kind of medication I need for my ADHD. So why can Richard quickly get medicine, but I have to drink caffeinated water and soda? I’m not supposed to be drinking soda, but soda is much cheaper than the water. And I happen to love Mountain Dew. I might consider just paying double for the damn water. Trust me; I’m glad caffeinated water exists. I wish I didn’t have to order it from Amazon.

In summary, life sucks right now. If I have to work this much, I want to be able to live alone. BTW, I can’t live in an apartment due to noise. I have sensory processing issues (due to ADHD or autism), and noise triggers me. I used to have panic attacks when I lived in a townhouse. I couldn’t work. I wasted money on hotels. It was horrible.

I have a new therapist. She lives where I went to college. It is a Republican, conservative, Christian city. I’m so far from that. I’m not sure this is going to work. She asked whether I had a boyfriend. When I said “no,” she didn’t follow up with “a girlfriend? a partner?” And she seemed shocked when I said I wasn’t a Christian.

She thinks my life is strange. It is, but I don’t see it that way. Well, I know the way I grew up was weird, but I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. And of course, I know my life is strange now, but the strange parts are the parts I like for the most part.

I wouldn’t say I like working so much. And I don’t like how I am forced to live—those two things I would like to change. By next June, I may start looking for houses to rent again. Not counting my emergency fund*, I have money saved for rent. Hopefully, by June, I will feel more secure and have much more saved.

*My ER fund is only to be used if I’m unemployed and not making enough in my business. So I hope I don’t need it for a long time.

I hope the people in Louisiana stay safe. It sounds really bad right now.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alana Davis, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Boyce Avenue, Donna Missai, Kacey Musgraves, Maggie Rogers, Rachel Platten

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives

Movies of the Week: Midnight in Paris, All Good Things

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed All Good Things. I thought it was too short. I’m sure it was 100X better because I am watching the Robert Durst trial. I found the movie fascinating.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Generation Why, True Crime Garage, Crimelines, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Women & ADHD

Books of the Week: I finished reading:

Back in the Burbs by Avery Flynn and Tracy Wolff ★★★

Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey ★★★★ 1/2

Goal for Next Week: Survive. Find a ADHD doctor or at least make a spreadsheet of doctors to call. I’m thinking of hiring someone to make the phone calls. I will probably have a list of at least 20-30 doctors. Maybe I could pay them $50 to $60? That’s a fair rate. Way better than I get paid if it only takes 5 minutes for each call. I hate calling people and I don’t have time during working hours.

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. I slept in today. My dog LOVED it. I worked all day yesterday and after I publish this blog, I’m going to work and then take my dog for a walk.

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Time to Get a Gun

How are you feeling today?

Rejected, hurt, confused, tired. 

Take some time to describe your vision of the Desired Life in detail:

I want to be able to move around. I want to get up when I want and do whatever. I want to feel like I don’t need a therapist. I want to not work for the man. I want to enjoy what I do every day. I want to travel. 

How would you describe the Depression you are currently experiencing?

I feel unsupported and rejected. I feel all alone. No one cares or gets me. No one helps me. Everyone leaves.

What are your Negative Beliefs?

No one likes me.  No one can like me. No one wants to support me. Everyone hates me.

Take a moment to write down your reflections about your session:

Tomorrow is a new today. Maybe I do have some say in my future.

Grateful for:

Tomorrow is Thursday! 

I stand to lose from winning

I’m so confused. I need to blog and listen to Miranda Lambert.


I really need to live alone. I’m happiest that way. I hate all these restrictions on my life. Work, roommate, and government restricitons. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Well, guess what? I can’t get medicine for it. And money is NOT the issue.

It’s the stupid laws. I can only get a stimulant drug with an in-person doctor. Well, there are no in-person doctors that are taking new patients. So I’m stuck with some shitty medicine that supposedly treats hyperactivity. Guess what? I have ADD. I’m not hyper.

Fuck. I feel like I have had the worst luck recently when it comes to medical stuff. Who gets gastroparesis? Only me. I think about 10% of the population has it, but unless the person goes through a traumatic event or burns out (me), it doesn’t show up enough to cause problems. I’ve had GP probably all my life. It only affected me when I was working 24/7 (like right now).

So no magic fix for me (a stimulant). I probably won’t take it long. It causes sleepiness. And I quit meds that do that. I can’t afford to be sleepy. I need to PAY ATTENTION. What a fucking concept!

Anyway, I might have a house to rent. The worst thing about the whole thing is that it is 6 hours away from me. Who has time for this shit? Not me. BUT it might be worth it. Another downside is that it is in a small town—less than 1,500 people. LOL.

It would be weird to live there. So I’ll be the person who never leaves their house. S said I could see the house after August 21. The move-in date is September 1. I’m so nervous right now. I can’t even think.

What happens to my current doctors? Do they have good internet? A MUST for work. Will I be able to find someone to mow my lawn until I get a lawnmower? The yard is HUGE. Even if I get a mower, when will I have time? These people are working me to death. What are the utility bills like? I know there isn’t a Walmart there, but how far do I have to go to get to a REAL grocery store.

My car is over ten years old. So, I won’t be able to keep coming back to where I live now. SIGH.

I have so many things to think about. I hate thinking these days. Why do I suddenly seem to have severe ADHD? Well, I’ve had signs all my life. But once I had to quit drinking coffee and Mountain Dew for the caffeine, my life went downhill. Why? Because the stimulant in the caffeine was helping me keep it together.

I’m not supposed to drink soda due to having GP, but I just started back this week realizing that caffeine HELPS me. I haven’t gotten sick. But I do have a little stomach pain. But I’m so freaking desperate. No one will give me the medicine I need, so I’m taking herbs and caffeine. The herbs make me slightly sleepy, so I will stop that if the ADHD medicine makes me sleepy too.

More on all this later. Time for pictures of the house that I MIGHT have. Three bedrooms. Two baths. There is a tenant in there now, so no pics of the inside. I hope if I choose to see it, I like the interior. I’m not picky, but I don’t want something falling apart either.

The view! I LOVE it.
SWOON! I love the outside.
Look at that balcony! You can see a nice view of the town from there.

When I look at these pictures, I get excited but when I think of really moving. SIGH. I don’t usually mind moving. I don’t even have much to move (no sofas or dining room tables etc). But moving anything 6 hours will be expensive. Bummer.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Miranda Lambert, Joss Stone, Lindsay Lohan, Marren Morris, Rachel Platten, Robyn, Taylor Swift, Tracy Chapman

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Housewives

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, So You Wanna Be a Witch,Generation Why, True Crime Garage, Crimelines, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, Dear Gabby, Sword and Scale

Books of the Week: Currently reading –

Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder by Drs. Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey

Back in the Burbs by Avery Flynn and Tracy Wolff

Goal for Next Week: Survive! I forgot to mention that I have two days off next week. I would say that I wish I would have saved those days for the potential move BUT NO, I’m so freaking exhausted. I’m working about 60 hours this week!  

Weekend Plans: Mostly working. I might take my dog to the park on Sunday. I was going to take him on Tuesday (my day off) but it’s going to rain. I’ve worked 10 hours today. I’m out of it. There’s so much more to say. But I think I said enough for now.

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Fruits of My Labor

I’m so tired. Why are Sundays always like this? Last weekend, I was supposed to take my dog to the park, but everything ached, and I was fatigued. So, we didn’t go.

Yesterday was great! I worked all day (for my day job for one hour, and the rest was business stuff). I even felt a little optimistic. I rarely feel that way, especially since I’ve had gastroparesis.

I did leave the house today. I’m looking at houses to rent. Today I realized that I can’t do this. I don’t have time to look at a bunch of places. I work 50 hours a week (minimum). Plus, I’m tired and achy. I just can’t. So I don’t know what to do. Maybe wait until I have time off to search for houses? But what if I miss my dream house???

Anyway, the house I saw today was pretty good. I didn’t get to go inside—long story. I hate that I wouldn’t be able to walk my dog if I lived there. There are no sidewalks. I would have to walk on the narrow road. I would have to get in my car and drive to walk him. Um, sorry, I’m too tired for that, and I don’t have time.

The person one house over has a blue lives matter flag on his mailbox. And I saw an “All Lives Matter” sign on a church. LOL. I guess this is a white neighborhood. I didn’t see many people, but everyone I saw was white. The ‘blue lives matter’ folks don’t bother me. I think the All Lives Matter people are ignorant.

Would I still live there? YES. I don’t talk to neighbors. As long as they don’t bother my car, my dog, myself, or the house, I don’t care. It was quiet, but it was also a Sunday morning. I saw a basketball hoop in a person’s yard. UGH. I hate the sound of a bouncing basketball. Been there. Hated that.

Nice house. I would have to hire someone to mow the lawn because there is nowhere to store a lawnmower. I just emailed the guy back. I expressed interest, but I don’t expect much from this.

The last time I weighed myself, I was 109 pounds. That’s decent. I have a follow-up appointment with the GI on August 16. The only medicine I take for gastroparesis is an anti-nausea medicine (Zofran). I had to take it three times this week. I usually go weeks without needing it.

O, GOD. The guy with the house already emailed me back. I don’t know if I trust him. Hmmm. I’m still thinking about how I won’t be able to walk my dog, and he wants to do it month to month. I did that once and lived in the house for five years so…

ARGH. But I really want to move. Oh, and there is nothing nearby except gas stations. I did see a Mexican restaurant and a church with a Spanish sign, so it might be a Hispanic/white neighborhood. But there is nothing there. I want a park or maybe a store. Something.

I still have to investigate this guy. I was able to look inside through some of the windows. I was impressed. It was fixed up. There is new carpet etc. Three bedrooms. Two bathrooms.

Here are some pics of the house I’m probably NOT getting:

Bedroom
living room

I’ve been working. I’m waiting on a new client to sign a contract. They* are supposed to pay me $350 a month. I think they got cold feet. I have to go. I still have more work to do before I get into bed.

*They are nonbinary. I have never mentioned this, but I’ve been nonbinary before everyone knew what it meant. I still use she/her pronouns, though. I need to blog about this one day. My gender (just like sex) is not important to me so I rarely think about it.

Music of the week – Boyce Avenue, Ariana Grande, Jack Ingram, Jewel, Rachel Platten, Taylor Swift, Bethany Dillon, Carly Rae Jepsen

I really have to go if I want to go to bed on time. Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

I Quit

I’m wearing my $559 Michael Kors glasses. Unfortunately, I don’t have vision insurance. Well, I have free vision insurance, which means the eye exam was free. Thanks to me having Triple A, the price went down. With my free insurance, the glasses would have cost $660.

Before anyone thinks Michael Kors was the problem, the frames only cost $136. The cheapest frames were $90, so I thought, why not go with MK? I had picked out light purple Liz Clairborne frames. They were on sale for $130, but the woman thought dark purple looked better on me. 

The reason why my glasses cost so much was due to me needing a progressive lens. Trifocals. And I foolishly let them put scratch-resistant lenses in. I wanted the blue light because all I do is sit in front of a computer for 12+ hours a day. I should have told the lady at Lens Crafter that my budget was $300. She just threw everything in and acted like $600 wasn’t a big deal.

I picked purple glasses, of course! I’m still getting used to them. I drove in them for less than 10 minutes. I like reading with them, but I’m still having problems seeing my work computer for my day job. Now I’m wondering whether the prescription is strong enough. My next eye exam is on July 4, 2022. I hope I don’t have to get new lenses. I will have real vision insurance next year, so it shouldn’t be as expensive.

I’m still having problems walking with these glasses. But other than that, everything is okay. I’ve never worn glasses before. Isn’t that obvious?

I’m researching so many things right now. I don’t have time for anything. That’s why I haven’t been blogging here as of late. I need a new PCP. I might take an ADHD test. BUT I might have Lyme disease and not ADHD. (They often get confused because some of the symptoms are the same). I had a tick bite years ago. I never got it checked out. 

I want a solution. Antidepressants aren’t helping, but my life is also kind of shitty. The only thing going for me is my dog and my business. However, due to my day job, I cannot spend as much time marketing my business. If it weren’t for my “old” clients, I wouldn’t have much business going on. 

I see my living situation and my day job as my main problems. Everything comes down to money. (In a capitalistic society, that’s a common issue). 

I’m fully vaccinated—no horrible side effects from the second shot. I had to get the vaccine later than most people because I was sick from gastroparesis. I feel bad for people who aren’t getting the second shot because they can’t take time off from work if they get sick. I took time off in advance in case I got ill. 

Update on my dad: He’s okay. He’s in a nursing home until my sister can find an independent living place for him. He has veteran disability benefits, so he can live there for free. Right now, he’s in Maryland. But, for some reason, he wants to be in Virginia. I love Virginia (I would love it more if it never snowed), but I don’t know why he wants to live here. He’ll be happy in an independent senior place because he likes to go out every day, and now he can’t. 

I feel like I have so much to say since I haven’t done an actual post in weeks, but I’ll be back in a week or two. Unfortunately, I don’t have control over my time. One week I’m working 45 hours. The following week I’m working 60 hours. No control. 

I’m so over people talking about critical race theory. On both sides. #random 

Weight update: I’ve been stuck at 107 pounds for the past few weeks.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Dave Matthews Band, Kelly Clarkson, Lana Del Rey, Mariah Carey, Natasha Bedingfield, Patty Griffin, Brandy Clark, Carrie Underwood

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Wimbledon, Grey’s Anatomy 

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crime Junkie, Generation Why, True Crime Garage, I Have ADHD, All In with Chris Hayes, Fresh Air, Murder in Alliance, Jury Duty: The Trial of Robert Durst, Paper Ghosts, Crimelines

Books of the Week: Currently reading –

I finished reading Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley C. Ford. Great book. It’s a memoir. 4.5/5. I could relate to so much of it. 

I also finished Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon (3.5) and No One is Coming to Save Us (4) by Stephanie Powell Watts. The book by Watts had many great quotes and 75% of it is great, but it’s too long.

I’m trying to finish a bunch of books from the library. My goal was to read 24 books this year. Well, I already passed that. 

Goal for Next Week: Post on my business Instagram 2 times next week. I haven’t posted twice a week in about a year. I don’t have a goal to keep this up. Social media is too time-consuming. I would like to post once a week. 

Weekend Plans: I finished working overtime for my day job today. I only worked about two hours. Now I have to work on business stuff. I’m not even going to try to get everything done today. I will be working tomorrow too. At least, the weather is nice. 

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

June 2021 Overview

Here are a few entries from my private journal. I deleted some names. June was a roller coaster. Btw, there are probably a lot of grammatical errors. I type these entries on my phone.

June 3, 2021

Ugh! Overtime next week. Boo.

And I’m supposed to start with A next week. Sigh. Yes, it makes me angry. They are taking my rest, sanity and opportunities from me. 

I hate my day job. But thanks for the healthcare.

No therapy this week. Boo to that too.

I’m nervous. Nervous about everything. The unknown. Work.

My dog is laying his head on my pillow like a human. He’s such a sweet boy. 

Grateful for: free time today


June 6, 2021

I wonder if my therapist is guilty of gaslighting? Does she even know what that is? I barely know but she does question some of my experiences. I feel. 

I don’t often interrupt her but maybe I should instead of just nodding. 

Ugh. Tomorrow begins a non great week. I’m going to try to work most of my time on Saturday.

I meditated for two days in a row. That’s good.

Grateful for: nice walk with my dog


June 10, 2021

This is supposed to be about a possible gastroparesis business. 

I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing group classes unless I couldn’t see the people. Maybe. But I can do other things. 

I would like to slowly explore having a resource for people with GP. 

Right now I don’t have time. But I may have some time when/if the VA business slows down and I stop doing overtime. 

It just feels right. I don’t have clarity on getting a certification. Because that costs money and I know all the stuff won’t apply to me but I will learn a lot. Not that I have time right now for school. I need time and money. 

But I can provide free resources and support.


June 20, 2021

UGH! My mom kicked my dad out. The day before father’s day. I will never forget. At least we got to spend some time together yesterday. I took him to Walmart alone. Mom wasn’t feeling well. 

He gave me $20 and when a woman was asking (begging) for money, I gave her $2. Then my dad asked, “How much did you give her?” I told him and he gave me $2 back. That was nice. He never got his father’s day card, though. 

She’s too paranoid to live with. I wish I could buy a house. Or rent. I was looking on Zillow. So many nice places. But I’ve got a long way to go. 

Still don’t know about OT this week.

Hope my dad is doing well. I hope he has someplace to stay.

Fuck her!


June 27, 2021

Took my dog on an impromptu park trip today. It was nice but too many dogs there. I might do one more summer Sunday. 

My mom still sucks. If she knew he was sick, why did she kick him out? I wasn’t aware of how out of it he was. 

To play catch up, dad was found wondering in Pennsylvania. Luckily someone took him to the ER or called for an ambulance. 

So my sister is looking for nursing homes. So glad she is doing that. So grateful for that. And I told her that on Facebook. What my mom did was shitty. 

I’m supposed to be planning this next quarter or at least the next week. 

Grateful for: my sister


The end. These aren’t all the entries, of course. I journaled almost every day this month. LOTS of drama at the end of the month. I paid for my dad to have a hotel for 3 nights, but he didn’t want to pay for more nights or he really doesn’t have the money. He is in the ER (long term ankle pain and disoriented) until my sister can find a nursing home. I hope I can visit him this summer or fall.

MY MOM SHOULD APOLOGIZE.

Thanks for reading. Have a good week. Get some rest. 🙂